Need help getting my wife to open up sexually

My wife and I have been together since we were 18, we are 40 now. We are not boring by any means. But things have been getting very predictable. We have spoke about spicing things up, but she is not super forthcoming with things she would like to try. Says she doesn’t have a fantasy? Is this common or am I not asking the right questions? Or is it something I am missing?


She might not have thought of anything, why not sit down and trawl through the LH website and look at toys, lingerie, guides, podcasts etc and see if anything sparks a light.
Or as you look through it say what you like tge look of and it may get her thinking.


We have had conversations about this. It always ends with her saying she doesn’t have fantasies. On the other hand I just found out she bought a new trusting vibe and kept it a secret until now. I’m just not sure what path we are on together. And why she can’t share her wants and needs with me.

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She might hard to say

Suggest a few of yours and see what she latches onto, as others have said a leaf through the lovehoney catalogue might help, there are a few games within the lovehoney catalogue which might help with you taking it in turn to pick a card on which is described a sexual or sensual activity.



Have a look through this thread, might be worth showing your wife

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Try an app called ‘spicer’ it’s eye opening :wink: you put it on both of your phones and answer various questions some of which will give you each an insight of what you like or don’t.
If you both hit yes on one you can talk about ut on the app or just talk about it. If you’ve said no …. No one knows :grin::wink:


Hi @sken180 and welcome. Agree with others use this forum and the LH site together to look through and discuss. When we began our journey we had fun looking at toys and lingerie together discussing whether we would like them and how we could use them. A fun way to initiate discussion on likes and dislikes. We also discuss and enjoy looking at the Position of the week - a good laugh at how to achieve them! Enjoy the journey and good luck.

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Its called "marriage " . I wish i could be more positive

My wife is exactly the same. Claims to have no fantasies whatsoever and contributes nothing new, kinky or original to our relationship BUT on the other hand she is open to pretty much anything I suggest and once she tries it she adopts it with enthusiasm. We’ve come a long way since I discovered this endearing trait of hers.


@sken180 I’ve had a similar thing going on with my wife of 17 years (together 20+). My OH doesn’t really have fantasies, and I’m the only one buying toys.

I’ve really battled the feeling that my wife has been holding back from me - turns out she has been. She’s embarrassed talking about sex, has a major insecurity about her privates, and generally struggles to be creative in thought.

I’ve spent the last few months warmly expressing how much I love sex, sex with her, the things I’d like to try … I bought a crazy toy and have been sharing LH reviews that rave about it. I’ve told her nothing is a ‘must’, but that I crave variation and excitement in our sex-life. No blame … it’s about letting her know how she can play a part in my fantasies … making those fantasies OURS.

I suspect the secret purchase your wife made was simply because she likes solo sessions but feels weird talking about that … don’t take it personally. Ask if you can use it on her one day. If she’s experimenting with herself, it could lead to experimentation with you … keep letting her know the door is wide open, and she’ll be completely accepted.

Honestly, it’s amazing how many very sexual adults struggle to have dialogue about sex. It’s not something many people have to do. Until they meet someone like us (you and me) … at first it’s confronting. It slowly starts to become normal. Give it time. Be VERY patient.

I really mean that. Be patient.
And make it/keep it fun.


Welcome to the forum! Maybe you could turn this into a game for her and get a selection of various objects that mean different things to explore and let her select one each time to see what takes her fancy.

Objects could vary from a toy, handcuffs, blindfold, massage oil, ruler, tie, bottle of water… anything that represents the things you’d be interested in trying out or bringing to the table with her :nerd_face:

She may not be creative, she may not know what she wants to try. Try the spice app that was mentioned above or the Carnal Calibration quiz. Same concept, choose beginners, intermediate or advanced (I’d suggest beginners for now) & you’re given different ideas and you answer yes/no/maybe to them. It will show you the answers you’ve matched or said maybe to, but not any that had yes/no answers. Good way to open the conversation and give her some ideas.


Welcome to the club
Personally I would ask her to do things for you - and see her reaction

Suggest ask her to spank you or ask to wear her lingerie or ask her to peg you and see what she says - she maybe waiting for you as she is embarrassed

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Just gonna add something here, while trying to open her to new things, keep in mind that she may fear judgment, and/or feel that your need to spice things up is a sign of dissatisfaction with her or the relationship.

So to avoid this, i would say that you should create a “safe space” to talk about this, show that you wont criticize her, show her some insurance that you desire and lover her… instead of asking directly about fantasies, begin by sharing some of your own fantasies or desires. This may help her feel more comfortable opening up about her own. Try something, it may spark excitement or curiosity for other things.

Have fun, and good luck!


Good shout!

@Lucas04 good to know it’s not just us


My ten pence worth … When I met my wife … she said she didn’t really have fantasies … and I think women often don’t have the mental space to give to fantasy life …

However … I signed up for Lustery … it’s female run porn … and we watch it together… we’ve def learnt a few things that we both wanted to try out … and if we are watching someone do something on there she will sometimes check with me if I find it a turn on … it’s a bit less threatening that way I think …

Hope you find something that helps you both relate


@sken180 absolutely!

I often felt alone, frustrated and even sad about a few things until I started coming to this forum, reading about others, and having the courage to post about my own relationship.

You’re not a bad person for wanting more, or weak in asking for help. That takes strength … and love. Your love for your partner is a big reason you asked what you did. That’s awesome.

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You sound very much like us, married 19 years, we trouble with miscarriages and stuff and sex became very much about creating babies. We then discovered lovehoney after the vasectomy and played with toys. We then went to Amsterdam for a wedding anniversary and went to see a sex show, no this opened up discussions and we started investigate more bondage stuff which I dunno why but I love, it’s just about growing together

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