Hi, I’m new and feel embarassed about what I’m posting, deep breath!
I’m sexually inexperienced, thanks mainly to my ex who wasn’t the nicest person. Ive also had major surgery after leaving him so the thing is I only returned to sex in late 2018 and it was like I’d never had it before, it was great! (4 partners prev all relationship).
Since 2018 I’ve enjoyed sex, it feels new, good, better than previously however and here’s the embarrassing bit, I’ve actually never had an orgasm. Since 2018 I squirt which some have said is urine (3 guys) but I am always horny so cant understand why I don’t orgasm.
Its now a thing for me as I’m getting concerned about it, I have bullet and vibe to help out during covid as my current friend we’re not seeing each other but I wonder whats wrong with me!
As I’m new sorry if I have posted this in the wrong place!
Orgasm isn’t always an easy thing to achieved and often takes some learning how to to achieve properly.
Orgasm is part mental, part physical so if your brain isn’t fully engaged int he experience it can be very difficult. If you start to think about how long it is taking or why aren’t you close yet then it will become harder and harder.
Everyone has different places they enjoy being stimulated. Although many women prefer clitoral stimulation, this doesn’t mean every woman does. I would suggest taking some time, exploring with your fingers at first and finding the best areas for you. Think about where you normally touch yourself or where your partners have touched you and try moving your finger ever so slightly. Often clitorises have a slightly more sensitive side.
As for toys, not all toys will work for everyone. When it comes to vibration some people need higher frequency vibration, some lower frequency, some people need lots of power, some need only a small amount of power, some need very direct stimulation, some need the vibration spread out across a larger surface area. Different materials can make a difference too. So it could be you aren’t in the right spot for you or that the toys aren’t quite right.
I’d recommend spending some time with yourself, trying different things, maybe immerse yourself in some erotica or porn. Don’t rush, don’t pressure yourself, just enjoy.
However, If you are really concerned you might want to consider seeing a professional. A sexual health check up is a little hard to get at the moment but might be worth it to make sure everything is physically in order. However if you’ve had bad experiences, it may be more of a psychological block that you need to work through with a therapist.
(Side note, you don’t seem concerned about this is your post but as you mentioned it: you can squirt without orgasm, and it has a different colour, taste and smell to urine. But in any case, enjoy what your body can do when it’s turned on!)
I’ve not got much to add on top of @Calie’s excellent advice. Just to reiterate there’s no need to be embarrassed, nothing is wrong with you, everyone is different and you have to find what works for you and sometimes that just takes a little experimenting.
Personally the more erogenous zones are being stimulated at the same time the easier I find it to orgasm, so you could have a try adding in additional stimulation and see if it helps. But most important try not to stress about it. Good luck!!
I can’t add much since it took me a while to work out how to orgasm and when it happened the first time I’m not really sure what I did! I think not trying was the main thing.
The only other suggestion I have is that, if it is really bothering you, you could try talking to a sex therapist (psychosexual therapist). They are very experienced in this sort of thing and could help you work through some of your previous experiences too.
Hi @Calie and @Cassii
Thank you both for your feedback. I live with family so time alone to explore is somewhat limited.
I’m trying meditation to help me relax as I do have a stressful job and feel although my family are great, helped put me back together etc I find it difficult not to spend time with them.
I will try and explore later on just trying to see whats comfortable. I am getting more and more concerned about it and pre covid a tually mentioned to a female gp and the look of disbelief when I said it well was embarrassing. She then said “what never” to make me feel worse.
However I will try to find what works for me and thanks for your advice, at least I know I am not a freak! X
This frustrates me so much when I hear things like this. Well done for talking about it and don’t let her reaction make you feel bad. You are NOT weird, you just happen by chance not to have had an orgasm yet.
Hmm, family is a tough one - I’m not a fan of being sexually active when family are in the house, I find it too hard to relax. Are you likely to be staying with family a while? If it’s a short term thing you might find it easier to start exploring when you have your own space.
Thanks @Kitty-Cat01 I have had appts with a women’s health physio in relation to kidney issues but this did come up.
She told me to get some lube and explore. Altho I am slim I think I’m not sexy and as I said find it difficult to get time alone. My friend tells me all the time how great my body is so thankfully I am starting to believe him.
Alot of my confidence issues are because of my ex who used to constantly tell me I was fat, I wasn’t even a size 8 in the end so I’m glad I woke up and walked out on that toxic relationship
It’s not too much information and don’t feel you need to appologise to us x That sounds like a very toxic relationship, well done for getting out. It sounds like your friend is really helping to improve your confidence. Everyone here is very friendly and I hope you soon feel you are among friends
Hey @Curious-Girl and welcome. Please don’t be embarrassed, it’s not at all anything to be embarrassed about. It’s really good that you’re talking about it, and sorry that it sounds like you’ve had a negative experience when trying to talk it through with a medical professional.
You’ve already had some excellent advice on here. As others have said, a lot about orgasm is in the mind too. Something that can further impact this is any past experiences/trauma that someone has been through. For example, you describe negative experiences with sex with past relationships and so this may be subconsciously affecting it as well. Also you mentioned major surgery, which is another thing to come to terms with. All these things can take time so my advice would be to go easy on yourself, don’t try to rush or force anything, and try to just focus on what feels good.
It sounds like you’re having pleasureable sex which is good. As others have already said exploring your own body when you’re able to so you know what turns you on and what you need to get you to climax will really help.
I’d suggest seeing a different GP, or if you can afford it then following @Kitty-Cat01’s advice and seeing a psychosexual therapist if you can afford to.