Newbie (Novel of an Introduction, Fantasies, and Struggles)

Greetings All,

I didn’t intend on writing such an extensive introduction, but for the first time I wanted to put everything on the table and see what feedback/comments I get. Thank You in advance if you read my intro!

I stumbled upon this forum as I was scrolling through toys for me and my wife. I’m a 34 year old heterosexual male that’s happily married for 8 years. As I have gotten older my sexual fantasies and desires have grown and consider myself to have a bit of a kinky side. My wife is not very adventurous and content with a vanilla sex life which I do support and hold zero resentment. During the pandemic times I have purchased some sex toys for the both of use to add in the bedroom to spice things up in the bedroom and have had some fun. Toys I have purchased for her were 2 variations of thrusting dildos…1) is a rabbit thrusting dildo that has clit stimulation for her solo play and 2) a realistic thrusting dildo with a suction cup which she can use solo but we also had fun night where we used it to simulate one of her desires of DP where we attached to the wall and she was in doggy style with the toy and watching her warm up and get into it then approached her where she then performed oral on me (great experience).

My toys I purchased for myself was a powered thrusting/rotating male masterbater which I have only used a couple of times (wasn’t exactly happy with the device and found out that I’m not into that type of toy. The other toy I purchased was a vibrating/rimming Prostate massager which I have really enjoyed and now wanting a thrusting anal dildo/prostate massager.

Wanting to continue to experiment and fulfill my kinks and desires I’m struggling with fulfilling them since my wife isn’t very sexually adventurous and in my opinion a little closed minded and hasn’t been able to understand sexual fantasies and desires are normal and natural.

My desires and fantasies:
The following desires and fantasies have been on my list for at least the past couple of years and would love to hear any and all feedback.

  1. Don’t get me wrong I can and love to be dominating in the bedroom and would/could be even more aggressive and dominating, but rarely think/watch porn when masterbating to being dominating or male in porn being dominating (just when I’m actually in the role)…what I fantasize is wanting to be dominated in every which way. From being tied down not able to move and be at the disposal of the dominating mistress…aggressive face sitting/riding, and most of all being pegged with a strap on. Not only do I fantasize from being pegged anally, but also orally and deep throating.

  2. Like I have said I’m very much heterosexual and 100% attracted to women and have zero attraction to men, but I have a huge desire to give a BJ. Lately I have used the thrusting dildo with the suction cup I bought for my wife stick it to a mirror and go to town. I get extremely turned on thinking of performing a deep throat BJ…I have enjoyed performing on her dildo to I now know I don’t have a gag reflex and love taking the whole thing in my mouth and feel the thrusting action in the back of my throat. I also like acting out aggressive BJs with smacking the dildo on my face/lips, licking the shaft and sucking on the balls. I finish with thought of either receiving a massive facial or a swallowing a massive cum in my mouth load. Not saying that my wife is bad at BJs or doesn’t like performing on me, but let’s just say that she doesn’t perform a BJ the way I do. Like I said and trying to as sincere as possible as I am by all mean not homophobic at all have zero attraction in men just wanting to suck and perform a BJ with a real penis and to actually see how much I would enjoy and to see how good I am at it. Side note…I also would love to perform a BJ with a strap on. As I said previously I finish with the thought of receiving a facial or swallowing cum in mouth deep throat, (I can get some satisfaction of performing a BJ with the dildo) but I now I crave the facial or cum in my mouth. I have looked at purchasing a ejaculating dildo (and did purchase one for my wife which we returned without having tried it bc we didn’t like it was operated with a syringe and wouldn’t didn’t think it would deliver the experience we wanted). I have found one that ejaculates by squeezing the tip which I am tempted to purchase, but still don’t think it will satisfy my fantasy of receiving the real thing. I am open minded and willing have a 3 way with my wife and another man to 1) have her experience a real DP and 2) to experience performing a BJ/facial/CIM. I have communicated with my wife being open to a 3 way, but will circle back after I discuss my final desire/fantasy.

  3. My final desire and fantasy is to be with transgender woman. I do want to point out that this is just not a fantasy or desire to fulfill… But I truly find transgender women extremely beautiful individuals in every way and who in my opinion has everything I find attractive. Don’t get me wrong I am attracted to women (all shapes and sizes from BBW to small and petite) I love eating out my wife (when I say I love eating out my wife I mean I love performing oral on her and perform in the same manner and effort that I described when I perform a BJ and use my tongue to lick everything from head to toe)… and I do indeed enjoy vaginal intercourse, but to be honest there’s nothing that turns me on thinking about a vagina only the enjoyment I get from performing oral and intercourse. But everything about a transgender female checks off every sexual and non-sexual attraction I have…when I watch porn 90% of the time it’s transgender porn and Watching a transgender female that has all the female curves I am attracted to (Breasts and Butt) but too also have a penis is what is the cherry on the top that I find so attractive! I want to experience everything from being dominated by a transgender female and to also be the one that’s dominating. I also just want to make love and cuddle and be romantic. I can understand that some people will question with me saying that I am happily married, but I truly am and would never not want to be with my wife and family. With that said I do want to say that if I was single that I would be seeking a relationship/dating with both females and transgender females.

To close out my novel of an introduction as I know I probably went over the top, but have finally reached a point of wanting to fully express everything in a safe community and just want to receive any and all feedback. I promise I won’t be offended, and comfortable and confident in my own skin and won’t take anything personally, so please share and give comments. So I am at the point of when I said I would circle back after revealing my last desire/fantasy of expressing to my wife that I am open to a 3 way. My wife know of my desire/fantasy/attraction for transgender women and being pegged (doesn’t know of if wanting to give a real BJ), but this is reason why I said that she is still close minded (still being the key word bc I believe that anyone is capable of changing and becoming open minded, but doesn’t yet understand how I can have those desires and fantasies and not be gay or attracted to men (not to say she doesn’t support the LBGT community bc she 100% does) but I have tried to reassure her that’s not accurate and have tried to communicate and educate that sexual desires/fantasies/gender/orientation doesn’t and isn’t a black and white thing, there aren’t rules or guidelines that say just because you have a certain desire or fantasy means that you are this or that which I find so beautiful. Yeah do other people have desires and fantasies that I don’t have any interest in…yup absolutely but who am I to judge what someone likes and doesn’t like and think of it the same way when you order a pizza with a group of people…some people like just cheese some like deluxe and there’s everything in between, so why can we accept that someone doesn’t like olives on a pizza and pass no judgment or put them in a certain category. I feel the same way about sexual desires. Yep I want and desire a huge hard penis in my mouth and throat and ending with a massive cum load on my face and then another one that ends with a massive load in my mouth with cum exploding out of my mouth while I swallow all the cum that is in the back of my. I do want to be pegged with a strap on, I do want to have a real penis giving me anal with experience both cuming inside and pulling out and cuming all over me, and I’ll go even further and say I would want and experience DP action and receive anal while performing oral. I have no desire or interest whatsoever if kissing a man, receiving oral from a man, performing anal with another man or have any attraction for any men (and when I say men, I’m referring to anyone who identifies themselves as a man) I consider transgender women as women regardless of their genitalia and have a attraction and get turned on with women who have a penis and can deliver cum loads (I’m getting turned on just writing about this).

Who knows, someday I might be able to try and experiment with my desires and fantasies and come to realize that I didn’t enjoy it like I had thought I would (doubtful since I have been enjoying all of my solo oral and anal play with the dildos, but it’s possible). Now I just want the real thing!! But just because I have these desires and fantasies does not mean I’m gay or prefer men bc if I was attracted to men/bi-curious/gay I would have no trouble admitting that and being true to myself and 100% comfortable and confident in the person who I am. I want to spend the rest of my life with my wife, but I want to explore and fulfill my sexual desires too. I have also contemplated doing porn to fulfill my adventurous fantasies, but that is highly unlikely and really not the way I want to fulfill my fantasies. In my perfect world I would love to experience all of my fantasies along side my wife with no judgment, mutual and purely as fulfilling both of our desires and not in anyway seeking other relationships outside of our marriage.

As a final twist and before anyone says that I should should be open up and discuss everything that I have disclosed above to my wife, she actually walked into the room and asked what I was doing to which I was honest and told her. She then read everything that I wrote by herself in the bedroom. When she finished reading she gave me my phone back and said finish what I started. She’s hasn’t said anything to me since and in the bedroom. I’ve been slowly opening up to her with my sexual fantasies and giving her time, but now she knows everything. Right now I think I will just give her space and not approach her and wait for her to come to me when she’s ready to talk about it.



Hello and welcome @Brann.Rose :slightly_smiling_face:

Good morning and welcome :green_heart:

Hi and welcome.

To be honest, reading your second paragraph, your wife seems more adventurous than what many would consider to be ‘vanilla’.


Welcome to the forum @Brann.Rose

Nothing you have written is in any way wrong. Your fantasies aren’t unique and are possibly more common than you think. When we were actively swinging I knew of plenty of straight men, both single and in relationships who enjoyed same sex fun but who weren’t and never would be interested in a same sex relationship. There’s a difference (to many anyway) in someone indulging in an act with someone of the same gender purely for sexual gratification and needing to re-label their sexuality in some manner. People enjoy what they enjoy. Nothing wrong with that at all.

Of course its also possible that the reality won’t live up to the fantasy. Many people are turned on and aroused by the idea of something, yet in a real life scenario either can’t go through with it or upon trying it don’t enjoy it. Again - nothing wrong with any of those outcomes.

It’s great that you’ve been open with your partner as hiding things would definitely be a bad idea. Just don’t push too hard and make sure she’s comfortable should you ever decide to progress with any of your ideas.

Good luck. :grinning:


Moved from your other thread.
Was a lot to take in, but made for an interesting read. To make things simple I feel the first step is working out are you going to keep it between you and the misses or are you going to bring another in to your play. You would really need to make sure this would not damage your current relationship, as your 3 some idea sounded more like you having sex with another person with her watching. I feel she would need to be interested in participating in a 3 some or be alright with you having sex with another person.
Really depends how open your relationship is, not sure if your swingers or if she has had sex with other men while you were together.

Hello and welcome! :slight_smile:

Hi and welcome @Brann.Rose

Welcome to lovehoney

Hi and welcome

Was a lot to take in, but made for an interesting read. To make things simple I feel the first step is working out are you going to keep it between you and the misses or are you going to bring another in to your play. You would really need to make sure this would not damage your current relationship, as your 3 some idea sounded more like you having sex with another person with her watching. I feel she would need to be interested in participating in a 3 some or be alright with you having sex with another person.
Really depends how open your relationship is, not sure if your swingers or if she has had sex with other men while you were together.

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I agree that if your wife is open to the idea of swinging - this may help both of you to fulfil some of your needs and fantasies.

Let us know if she comes back and says anything about you post once she’s had a chance to think about it.

Hopefully she remains positive :blush:

Hi and welcome @Brann.Rose :smile:

Welcome @Brann.Rose

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Cor very long intro but also pleasantly insightful and of course this forum is a safe place to be open about sexual desires among other topics :relieved:

Hi @Brann.Rose Welcome to the forum! :wave:

I might add another post to this thread later but I want to think about it a bit first and, since I’m supposed to be studying, it’ll have to wait until later. Interesting post though! :blush:

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Hello and welcome :smiley: @Brann.Rose


Yes giving your wife some space to think and come back to you about it is a good idea. Clearly this is something that has been on your mind a long while and you’ve thought it out carefully whereas she is only just hearing this (or the extent of it) now. It’s a lot to take in so allow her time to process, answer questions if she has them but don’t push further.

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Hello and welcome to the forum @Brann.Rose :wave:

That is quite the introduction. I think what you’re asking of your wife is well beyond vanilla. As you say, she has seen your post, I think you need to give her time to digest it and think seriously about what she is and isn’t ready to try. I think @GoGirl12 's suggestion of a sex therapist maybe a good way to go to help both you and your wife explore what possibilities are open to you both and where hard limits lie. Remember some things may well remain fantasies and that is okay, often the reality wouldn’t live up to your fantasy and could cause problems in your relationship, which rightly is very important to you.


Hi @Brann.Rose Just a few thoughts…

I wouldn’t worry about how you “identify” in terms of sexuality, what you like and what you want to label yourself as is totally up to you and you might even find that this changes over time, it is just a spectrum I think. It’s great that you know what turns you on and you are open and honest about it.

I don’t know when you started talking to your wife about these fantasies / things you would like to try? If you told her all of this quite recently and/or all at once, it is probably a bit much to take in! I’d give her plenty of time to think this through and process it. Give her time and space and let her know that you are happy to talk about it whenever she is ready. Maybe tell her that you respect her opinions and wouldn’t want to hurt her or go against her wishes, it might reassure her a little.

As a relatively open person, even I would find this a lot to take in if my OH were to tell me all this. I wouldn’t mind but it would take me a while to process and there would likely be some things that would be a definite “no” such as a threesome. I wouldn’t mind some aspects of a threesome and the fantasy sounds amazing, but I can see it causing some resentment in a relationship even if it was something that both partners wanted to try. You probably need to accept that there are likely to be some things on your list that she would not even want to consider. Hopefully there will be some things that she would be open to trying to begin with and you might find that she becomes more confident and open to trying new things as time goes on.

I’m thinking that you could perhaps break this down into more managable and realistic steps? You mention face sitting and being tied down. If your wife already enjoys you giving her oral, maybe you could suggest a girl on top position for oral sex? That way you can incorporate a small part of your fantasy into something similar to what you would normally enjoy. As for being tied up, maybe you could suggest trying this as a next step? Instead of saying that you want to be dominated (which could sound intimidating to someone who is not naturally dominant), you could explain that being tied up and blindfolded hightens sensations and is something you might like to try.

I’d also like to point out that, as @Rob36 @GoGirl12 and @Peitho said, sometimes there are things that are better as fantasies than exploring in real life. I always fantasied about being dominated but whenever we even tried some really basic bondage, I just felt uncomfortable. It’s just stayed as a fantasy for now. If anything, in real life I prefer to be the dominant partner whereas in my fantasies I am always the submissive one!