Ive recently started seeing a guy from work, the sex is great and he is a really nice guy.
but.....
there is something holding me back from getting serious! he doesnt understand why i have the toys!! he seems to think that toys are for girls that "cant get any" and says things like "why, when you can have the real thing?" ive tried to explain to him about how it isnt something that i use instead of a sex life, its something that makes it better. but i think he might be a little creeped out by it all
The two guys i was seeing before this one were very happy with the toys, and considering that one of them had only ever slept with his ex-wife and myself were really open minded
Im very open about using toys in my sex life (to people im cose to, not the old lady im chatting to on the bus) and consider them a big part of my life. and part of me is a little worried about him trying to get me to choose between them and him
if he does ask me to make that choice i will not choose him, this has nothing to do with the toys, im just not happy to be with someone that wants to mould me into what they want instead of accepting me for who i am
maybe im looking into this a bit too much, but i think i need some help with an important question.....
Do i get serious and hope for the best? do i stay casual for a little while longer and see how it goes? or is this guy not for me?
Do you think the toy thing is something he might warm up to, or is it something he's not gonna shift on? Personally, I think a partner should accept you for who you are. He doesn't necessarily have to like everything about you, but if he started stopping you from using your toys, I, like you, would begin to wonder if you're really compatible. I actually read yesterday there's approximately 4.9 million single guys in the UK, surely from those at least one of them would be more suitable to you in terms of sexual compatibility.
You did say you were having sex, could you perhaps incorporate toys into one of your sex sessions some time? It might make him see the light! My boyfriend loves using my toys on me, to the point where there's been occasions we've actually stopped having sex so he can get the vibrators out!
It might help to talk to him about it some more, but get him to think about the toys as a masturbation aid than a replacement for sex. Tell him it's no substitute for the real thing, perhaps he has some insecurity issues going on regarding that.
You shouldnt have to settle if he won't allow you to enjoy your toys. No matter how great the guy, you shouldnt have to change yourself for him. If you have to, there's another equally great guy out there who will accept you as you are!
You shouldnt have to settle if he won't allow you to enjoy your toys. No matter how great the guy, you shouldnt have to change yourself for him. If you have to, there's another equally great guy out there who will accept you as you are!
Agreed! If you stop using them just because he thinks you shouldn't you might end up resenting him for it!
i also agree that it sounds a bit like he might be insecure!
If you stand your ground with the toys but keep seeing him he might see the light and at least accept that you have them, but even if he doesn't make you get rid of them he might not want them anywhere near the bedroom when he is about. So whilst he could accept that toys aren't for desperate lonely women, you might not get to use them with him.
But he could always accept it and join in, even just a little to begin with. Maybe you could ask him to use something on you once and if he does then 'reward' him with something he wants (within your own comfort zone). Train him up so that he can see how the toys will benefit you both not just you.
But if he is adamant that the toys are evil, I'd say stop sleeping with him. Don't get rid of him completely just don't give him want he wants until he accepts that you have needs too and see how things go from there.
I agree with the other, its kind of asking to change who you are, and thats just not right in anyway. I would speak to him about how much of a real issue it is for him, and maybe see if he is even open to trying some out. I am sure once he had some fun with the toys that are out there, he will see your side.
Aww, that sounds pretty frustrating - it can be so difficult to get past some people's preconceived ideas when they're set in their ways. I think the others have covered pretty much anything I was thinking, but if this guy hasn't been with any other people who have (or have admitted to owning) any sex toys, it might be a bit of a shock. His reaction might not be so extreme if he gets used to them gradually, and may indeed feel comfortable bringing them into your 'couple-time' soon. Best of luck with this!
I think you should give him a chance to get used to them. Make sure he knows they're a non-negotiable part of you, and your sex life. Explain to him (over and over if you need to) that they're not a replacement for sex, they add to sex.
If he just doesn't get it, I think that's a basic incompaitbility in personality and sex drives. If he can't say that anything that gives you more pleasure is a GOOD thing in your sex life, then he's just not on the same page as you. It would definitely be a dealbreaker for me if a guy didn't understand my sexuality.
Like people have said there it isn't really right to expect you to change so you might want to get this issue out the way.
Hmmm... maybe we're being a bit biased because we are ok with toys....
Why do we expect her man to change but not poppy?
I guess the key word is expect... no one can expect something from a partner but they can ask. Only the 'askee' can decide what is reasonable and what is not.
If you decide not to budge then you can't blame him if he decides not to too.
You may be analysing it a tad too much also. You said he seemed creeped out... plently of men and women know their partners masturbate but just ignore it as they don't like it. Would you or him be comfortable if they were used solo-ly. Maybe he would be willing to try some couple toys.
Unless you ask him it will just be speculation which could be discussed forever.
Hmmm... maybe we're being a bit biased because we are ok with toys....
Why do we expect her man to change but not poppy?
Because it's not something that's damaging to their relationship, it's something that could, in fact enhance it... and the only reason (as far as we've seen) that he's not ok with sex toys is that he thinks they're just for people who "aren't getting any". Which we know for a fact to be false.
So he's coming from a position of relative ignorance on the topic, while poppy knows more about it. If he had all the knowledge and still said "I'd prefer if it was just us in the bedroom", I'd say poppy should compromise too. But he's not... he's still at "sex toys are for desperate pervs lol". Which isn't correct or fair to poppy.
Ive recently started seeing a guy from work, the sex is great and he is a really nice guy.
but.....
there is something holding me back from getting serious! he doesnt understand why i have the toys!! he seems to think that toys are for girls that "cant get any" and says things like "why, when you can have the real thing?" ive tried to explain to him about how it isnt something that i use instead of a sex life, its something that makes it better. but i think he might be a little creeped out by it all
The two guys i was seeing before this one were very happy with the toys, and considering that one of them had only ever slept with his ex-wife and myself were really open minded
Im very open about using toys in my sex life (to people im cose to, not the old lady im chatting to on the bus) and consider them a big part of my life. and part of me is a little worried about him trying to get me to choose between them and him
if he does ask me to make that choice i will not choose him, this has nothing to do with the toys, im just not happy to be with someone that wants to mould me into what they want instead of accepting me for who i am
maybe im looking into this a bit too much, but i think i need some help with an important question.....
Do i get serious and hope for the best? do i stay casual for a little while longer and see how it goes? or is this guy not for me?
thanks guys. x
give it some time... it used to freak me out, in fact I thought most things sexual were wrong.. just my upbringing I suppose. just introduce them one by one.... bit by bit.. I bet if you don't mention them for a few weeks, he will suggest using them. most men need time to mull things over...
Hmmm... maybe we're being a bit biased because we are ok with toys....
Why do we expect her man to change but not poppy?
Because it's not something that's damaging to their relationship, it's something that could, in fact enhance it... and the only reason (as far as we've seen) that he's not ok with sex toys is that he thinks they're just for people who "aren't getting any". Which we know for a fact to be false.
So he's coming from a position of relative ignorance on the topic, while poppy knows more about it. If he had all the knowledge and still said "I'd prefer if it was just us in the bedroom", I'd say poppy should compromise too. But he's not... he's still at "sex toys are for desperate pervs lol". Which isn't correct or fair to poppy.
I was basically making the point that no one should expect anyone to change based on a differing view, poppy or her man. They can only ask and it is not unreasonable for either to say no. External Media
Many people have different views on toys or porn. None is more valid than the other even if I personally feel some people will lose out because of theirs it is not my place to say I'm right or you should adjust to me not vice versa.
For the last bit I think it may have been analysed a bit too much. According to poppy he hasn't said that. He sounds puzzled to me and maybe slightly insecure as opposed to judgemental.
I just wanted to clarify my point. I agree its worth most couples giving toys a shout but I know when people are only told the one point that suits them best it can make them more steadfast and resolved to have things their way. Just adding a different perspective!External Media
For the last bit I think it may have been analysed a bit too much. According to poppy he hasn't said that. He sounds puzzled to me and maybe slightly insecure as opposed to judgemental.
Exactly... if he's puzzled and insecure he needs to get to a place where he's educated and secure, and THEN he can make calls on what he does and does not want as part of his sex life.
If the sex is great with him I don't see a problem - you don't need sex toys for a healthy and varied sex life, if he has a problem with you using them alone then that would be a problem though and a long term live together relationship would be difficult if not impossible if neither of you would compromise .
He's not a jerk because he has a different view point, if he really doesn't like them then find out why and take his reasons seriously.
Perhaps he has objections to specific things like large penetrative toys? not all men get off on watching or using big toys on their partner, my husband would find it a huge turn off - I know because I've asked him .
If he knows little of sex toys he may think they are all about huge realistic dildos or rabbits, they turn me off as a woman so plenty of men probably don't like them either , it's nothing to do with insecurity, it's purely personal preference.
Sex toys may be fun but they are not necessary for a mutually satisfying sex life - it's not wrong to like sex toys and it's not wrong NOT to like them . It may be a case of throwing out your toy box and choosing things together if he would be interested - if he won't consider anything then you would have to decide how to proceed.
when i met my OH he'd never used any kind of sex toy. i'm still trying to introduce toys slowly and he's starting to see that it all adds to the fun. it can be frustrating taking it slowly but to be fair if i'd been presented with all the toys in my toybox all at once without ever using one before i think i might have cried. if hes totally unwilling to compromise or try anything new its not good but maybe hes just afraid or embarrassed.
well yeah but if hes less confident or less experienced than the girlie with the healthy sex drive and he thinks he's competing with a rabbit it cant be easy.
I know it's been said, but I think its probably a insecurity issue. I remember the first time a partner brought out toys several years made me feel that way. It felt like she was saying I wasn't good enough. Its strange thinking back, I always resented toys in that reltionship, but missed them afterwards and have brought toys (don't worry not the same ones) into every relationship since then.
Ive recently started seeing a guy from work, the sex is great and he is a really nice guy.
but.....
there is something holding me back from getting serious! he doesnt understand why i have the toys!! he seems to think that toys are for girls that "cant get any" and says things like "why, when you can have the real thing?" [..] if he does ask me to make that choice i will not choose him, this has nothing to do with the toys, im just not happy to be with someone that wants to mould me into what they want instead of accepting me for who i am
[...] Do i get serious and hope for the best? do i stay casual for a little while longer and see how it goes? or is this guy not for me?
thanks guys. x
I think you already answered this question yourself. His averse reaction to your toys isn't so much about the toys but about his reaction to you and to new things. If he is likely to denigrate what is new to him like toys, then I think he is likely to denigrate a lot of other stuff too.
If I have to explain to somebody that "new" doesn't mean "bad", in my experience my explanations are usually disregarded so it's just not worth the effort. I find that people who denigrate like that are likely to enjoy doing so and will keep doing so regardless of the evidence. So personally I wouldn't bother. Too many problems tend to keep cropping up.
Besides which, if he wants to fuck you on the one hand, and yet denigrates female sexuality either alone or with a partner on the other, how good a lover can he really be in the end? I'd be concerned about this guy. For a relationship to work all participants must actively contribute to make that happen. If he really wants to make it work then he will change his attitude. But in my experience, people don't change their attitudes. Even if he changes his mind about the toys in particular, I think he is likely to denigrate what he is unfamiliar with in general, no matter what that is.
Still, I'm all in favour of enjoying it whilst it lasts. :)
lol poppy - buy him one of the male grab bags!! that might get him to see sex toys in a different light External Media i've just bought one for the OH cos he's never used any toys before (apart from on me)........
Actually emmilou might be onto something there. While in his company, why not inadvertently ask him what on earth he thinks would be in the 'couples bag', maybe agree that you'll get one. Open it together, and see how that evolves. Maybe it is just a case of he's been sheltered, and needs to be introduced / warmed up to the seedy desires that we all have External Media
The sex without the toys may be great, but i can't see a problem with you using toys as well during sex and on your own.
Variety is the spice of life.
He may just have a closed mind to them, if he isn't prepared to open his mind to the use of them, then i would be inclined to advise you to seek someone else.
