Orgasm advice

Okay so I couldn't think of a better title! But here it goes:

My boyfriend and I have been together 2 years and I still haven't orgasmed internally. The only way I can physically orgasm is with clitoral stimulation which usually involves a vibrator.

My boyfriend still won't understand why I won't just leave my toys aside and "try" to orgasm without any help. Even rubbing does nothing for me. I've felt close a few times and we would only use my vibrator atleast once a week. Quite unfair, right? Although I find sex just as enjoyable!

Is there any tips you guys could give me?

Or even some facts for my boyfriend to understand some women can't orgasm internally. I know 80% of women can't physically orgasm or is this true?

Let me know please! He just doesn't believe. :(

Have you tried something like a clitoral stimulation gel? just as an example.

It's true, not every woman is able to achieve orgasm from penetration alone. You could also try a cock ring with a clitoral vibrator as well - of which Lovehoney sell plenty: - this one is only £10 and is highly reviewed.

I have a clitoral balm that just helps tingle me but the gel looks very appealing!

As for the cock ring, this doesn't appeal to my boyfriend. He hates vibrations touching him as he says it "hurts". We bought a WeVibe for the both of us to use but something tells me I'm going to enjoy it far more than him.

Can he insert all the way? Ive never had this issue I'm average size maybe a bit bigger but I tend to insert as far until I can rub my pelvic bone kinda against her clit while thrusting seems to work alway has.

This obv only works in mis position. From behind I use my hand :) sorry if thats too much detial

At least 70% of women can't orgasm from penetration alone. 70% cannot orgasm without clitoril stimulation. it sounds to me like he feels a little useless against your toys because they can make you cum and he can't, which is understandable but immature and a little selfish. Does oral get you close? Toys do it quicker but oral might get you there, but that means him spending a fair amount of time down there, but if he wants to get you there it should be worth it.

i think it's rediculous you're only allowed to orgasm once a week, 1. He has no right to put that restriction on you and 2. Ask him to have sex but not orgasm for a week.

He needs to understand that it has nothing to do with his performance but few women can orgasm without clitoril stimulation, he's lucky, you know what gets you there, you CAN orgasm, he should appreciate that and understand it's unfair on you to not let you Finnish because it's an insult to his manliness

I can't orgasm at all during penetration, even with a vibrator during, I can only orgasm after with oral and OH fingers. But he loves that because I never orgasmed before him at all so he appreciates that it's good that I can orgasm at all

I didnt read the bit where he only wants you to cum once a week!! Thats very selfish does he always cum first? Maybe he should make you cum first I know after I have cum my interest in sex declines fast but before that I'm more than happy to spend ages massaging and exploring my wifes body.

As most have said lots of women can't orgasm from sex alone, me included. TBH if you were the only person in the world who couldn't he ultimately should be listening to your needs and what you enjoy. Sad that he isn't.

Have you tried stimulating both at once with fingers?

The first way I ever made my OH orgasm was by making a sort of 'hand rabbit' by pointing my index and middle finger forward and thumb up (a bit like a kid pretending to have a pistol) and using my fingers to thrust whilst my thumb rubbed against her clit. She's pretty much the opposite though - it's almost impossible to get her to cum through clitoral stimulation alone; just goes to show that everyone's different!

So you have sex regularly, but because you can only orgasm with toys, you use them once a week - at his request?

OK - forget my initial suggestions - what you need to do here is sit down and communicate. He is most likely feeling inadequate, so whilst his toy restriction seems very harsh, I can understand where he is coming from. He wants to feel like he is the only one that can make you orgasm, so when you don't use toys, it's going to be very frustrating for him as well as you.

What you both need to do is spend time getting to know each others bodies. So no toys, set a romantic mood and spend an evening massaging each other. Use tongues, fingers - anything but toys to explore each others bodies - you may find that you might be able to orgasm without the use of toys, you just might not have had the right stimulation.

Do you ever let him use the toys on you? If you use the toys on yourself, this might also put him out and again, make him feel inadequate. Whilst it may seem selfish of him, put yourself in his position.

I've never orgasmed through penetration alone. Thought I was close, and had some small twinges, but the earth shattering orgasms are all in my clit

ScarletRose wrote:

I've never orgasmed through penetration alone. Thought I was close, and had some small twinges, but the earth shattering orgasms are all in my clit

Can he not rub against your clit whilst thrusting when on top? Not sure why not maybe everone is build different,

Letting him use the toys on you is a good idea but it might help to show him what you like otherwise it'll make the situation worse if he can't do still.

i disagree with the banning toys all together though, depriving you of orgasms until he maybe does it, let him try oral, talk him through it, what's good what's not, if he gives up or it's just not working ask him to introduce a toy

again, I understand his point of view, it's a common concern of men but he needs to understand it's not yours or his fault, it's just how your body is .

Fitnessfreak wrote:

Can he not rub against your clit whilst thrusting when on top? Not sure why not maybe everone is build different,

That doesn't work for everyone, for me rubbing is just uncomfortable and painful and makes it harder for me to orgasm. Everyone is different, what works everytime for one woman may never work for another woman

Okay, here is a tip for helping your boyfriend understand your predicament (which, by the way, is so common that the MAJORITY of women have the same experience as you...including me)

Say to him that your clitoris is like his fact, it is very similar. You need to have it stroked in the same way he needs his penis stroked or touched in some way, to reach orgasm. Tell him that to "try" to orgasm without any clitoral stimulation, would be similar to you asking him to "try" and orgasm from JUST having his balls stroked, or his perineum, or his nipples. While it is still possible he/you can orgasm from NOT touching the clitoris/penis, it is not that easy and not everyone can do it.

It is important to get this message across. Maybe ask him how he would feel if, for the next two years, you constantly kept asking him to stop touching his penis and get himself to orgasm by stroking his balls. Ask him how he would feel every time he failed to reach that orgasm, when he saw disappointment on your face, or saw that you were desperately seeking something he could not do. Explain how this can eventually leave you feeling.

Only about 30% of women can orgasm during penetration and I imagine that for most of them, it is because they are experiencing indirect clitoral stimulation (like, maybe his pelvis is brushing her clitoris)

When you say you are only using your vibe once a week (quite unfair right) do you mean he has banned it from use the other 6 days of the week? I just get a sense that he is expecting you to be like some porn star and that you should be able to cum within seconds of him penetrating you and that only his body pleasuring you directly, counts. Like, its not a "real" orgasm if you got there using a sex toy instead of his penis?

Unfortunately if this is how he feels, then I believe he is insecure. Not his fault. He probably feels like he is failing to be "the man" when he cannot make you orgasm and a sex toy can, but unfortunately I believe this is an issue he has to deal with, as opposed to you being denied pleasure to massage his ego. I sympathise with him, but I think he has a misunderstanding of female pleasure, how much more difficult (and longer) it can be for us to reach orgasm and the fact that MANY women simply cannot orgasm at all unless they use vibrations.It really has nothing do to with how much you love him, how much you area attracted to him and how much he turns you is just how your body is designed. I hope he can understand that.

Ideally, he needs to see the sex toy as an extension, or addition for spicing up your sex life together, as opposed to a threat. It is an inanimate object, a tool, a device and could never be "better" than him.

Young and fun95 wrote:

Fitnessfreak wrote:

Can he not rub against your clit whilst thrusting when on top? Not sure why not maybe everone is build different,

That doesn't work for everyone, for me rubbing is just uncomfortable and painful and makes it harder for me to orgasm. Everyone is different, what works everytime for one woman may never work for another woman

Yea thats what I was thinking cheers

Fluffbags is the sexpert of the forum... I was hoping she'd come along, just show him her post

Totally agree with what's already been said but would like to add- I know it's hard but try not to put too much pressure on this- otherwise even if he is stimulating you (with or without toys) in the "right" way, your head might well be in the wrong place and then it'll be much harder!

Thank you so much everyone for the advice!

I always let him use the toys on me as that's how I prefer it anyways or else I'll use the magic wand and he'll kiss me all over and play with me.

But to your questions: Yes, he doesn't always let me orgasm. Atleast once a week on average but it's horrible since we're a long distance couple it's more difficult. He also tries to get me to do anal with him although I'm not quite sure I'm a huge fan yet! I guess I could make a deal with him. ;)

We have tried oral but he stops after a while and just ends up having sex with me again. We have sex (when we're together) atleast 2-5 times a day so obviously I end up very sore and still never get to orgasm.

@Fluffbags To your comment about expecting me to be a pornstar, is absolutely how I feel! He needs to realise that Porn is completely different. They're paid to do it and fake most of it. I can squirt however which makes him feel happy atleast. But yes, he doesn't like me using my vibrator most of the time. I'm lucky if I get to use it twice a week. I have to hide some of my toys I've recently bought as I know he won't be at all happy. I even bought the Clone a Willy kit just so I could get a dildo that is basically him (he suggested the idea). He has a lot of insecurities but I try my absolute hardest to make him feel comfortable as he is the only guy that has made me orgasm while he's inside me and I'm using the vibe.

I agree with you all. I don't feel I put any pressure on him. We do however experiment with some things. After buying the Monogamy game, we've found a lot more about eachother!

I will definitely get a night with him where lights are dimmed, massage eachother and see how things spice up!

I really think you need to express some of these feelings to him, in a non-judgemental, non attacking kind of way. It may be that his only experiences with sex are through watching porn and he simply thinks that is what women need/want. If he genuinely is confused about why you are not reaching orgasm, this is your opportunity to show and explain the differences, not just between porn sex and non-porn sex, but also between men and women with regards to orgasm.

You say he gives you oral for a short time, before having sex with you again...this just screams "porn" to me (and also screams that he might not know that women take on average 15 to 20 minutes to orgasm, whereas men take around 3 to 5 minutes)

I honestly suggest braving it and speaking up a little. Outside the bedroom, you can discuss it in more depth, inside the bedroom, guide him a little. Things like "I like that, don't stop yet" or "Can you go back to what you were doing a minute ago"

I mean, it does seem to me like he cares. He wants to give you pleasure, clearly, hence his attempts. I think there are lots of men that fantasise about a woman having orgasms simply from his penis going inside her. Think on much of an ego boost that must be. I guess this is also why it is portrayed in porn so often (women having screaming orgasms just from him penetrating her)...because it is a male fantasy. Unfortunately you...and me...and many other women who commented above, can't do it, or really struggle to. Its happened to me twice in like 15 years being sexually active.

Bit concerned as to why you are allowing him to "monitor" when and if you get to use your toys/orgasm. Its kinda controlling, which, if like me, you are in a D/s relationship and want that, fair enough, but I sense you don't. You are hiding toys and sneaking in orgasms when he doesn't know. Can't say I blame you! Nobody should be telling you when and how you can touch/play with your own body. Yet this is actually a reasonably common thing in relationships, so it would seem from being on forums a while. I know it all boils down to insecurity (You should only have pleasure when I do it!!!) but its not really right. Your an adult and should not be denied your natural urges to smooth someone elses ego. The irony is that most people won't stop. They will just do it behind your back anyway. (Like you are experiencing right now) Well....thats just my opinion on that! Masturbation and fantasies =/= cheating.

I know you are happy with him and I am half convinced he is just a little bit confused but deep down, wants to pleasure you. I reeeeally think you should honest. Stop worrying about hurting him/his ego because all that is happening is you are going without. Don't be mean or attacking, but at the same time, get him to understand YOU have needs and this is HOW you satisfy them. Make him understand that you don't get off from XYZ but NEED AB and C (Even if AB and C is a vibrator. This is nothing to be ashamed of and there are many women who need vibration to orgasm.) Show him how he can be involved in pleasuring you the way that works for you.