Maybe your thinking about it all to much and putting a lot of pressure on yourself to orgasm (which is causing you stress) when maybe you just need to enjoy sex a little more. I do hope you get their in the end : )
I have put my boyfreinds pleasure above my own for a long time, I used to go down on him for an hour till he could cum as he could never cum from oral before so I just persivered until he did even though I was exhausted by the end of it. I have had sex with him even when I wasn't in the mood reguarly and even when I was still swollen and sore from previous days to keep him happy. It's not my fault that in doing this that it had caused me to be stressed about having sex and a drop in sex drive. I just can't keep putting his enjoyment above my own when he doesn't do the same for me as its not healthy to do that.]
We enjoy our relationship in all otherways and really enjoy spending time together and I DO feel guilty for having a low sex drive at the moment and for having negative feelings about sex but I can't keep having sex just to keep him happy if it leaves me in pain and in tears afterwards. I am doing my very best to increase my sex drive and get things back to a happy medium, and yes it does kill me that its my fault but I can't just change overnight, we need to work on it together.
Hi there,
You definitely need lube, and if your OH doesn't like the idea of you applying it, you could always discreetly apply some yourself before sex. Maybe hide a small bottle in the bathroom and apply a little then, so he doesn't know? My OH doesn't get wet all the time either, and its not nice for me when I start to pleasure her and find her completely dry. If I were to find her wet down there, it would be a turn on for me, even if it was lube.
As for your semi-orgasm, it sounds to me like you aren't relaxed enough, or taking enough time. It probably sounds weird, but I've ben getting similar disapointing orgasms with my OH lately, and I can only put that down to feeling rushed. This is because we tend to concentrate on giving her pleasure first during sex, with manual clit stimulation during intercourse. After she climaxes, she gets very sensitive, and doesn't appreciate me lasting more than a minute or two longer.
How much time are you giving yourself when you are trying this for yourself? Personally when I get the chance to do similar, I try and go slowly, and if I can make it last an hour or two, then the result is much better.
I probably spend about 10-20 mins myself before I either get the muscle contractions or loose it and get nothing. I am not sure I can prolong it much more without loosing it again and ruining the buildup but I can try to go slower and see what happens.
I will try to put the lube on in the bathroom before hand, good idea, I normally put it on his penis and hadn't thought about putting it on myself to be honest so I will give that a go. Thank you :)
Hmm. To be fair, I used visual stimulation (aka porn!) to keep myself interested for a longer time when doing DIY. This way I can slow down or stop any touching to keep myself going over, and just watch or read to keep the interest up. If you don't like the idea or porn videos etc, there are always erotic stories or audio files. Literotica is a good place to check out.
I'm not sure if the same would work for you. Maybe one of our female members can advise what they do?
Yes i watch porn some times, or there are some good stories on here in the erotic fiction section. I was just wondering are you on the pill?
yes I am on the pill and have been for 9 years, I also take antihistamines every day which I have read can cause dryness too. I used to take antidepressants for 7 years and presumed my problems were caused by being on them but I havent taken them for about a year now so I guess not.
me wrote:
I have put my boyfreinds pleasure above my own for a long time, I used to go down on him for an hour till he could cum as he could never cum from oral before so I just persivered until he did even though I was exhausted by the end of it. I have had sex with him even when I wasn't in the mood reguarly and even when I was still swollen and sore from previous days to keep him happy. It's not my fault that in doing this that it had caused me to be stressed about having sex and a drop in sex drive. I just can't keep putting his enjoyment above my own when he doesn't do the same for me as its not healthy to do that.]
We enjoy our relationship in all otherways and really enjoy spending time together and I DO feel guilty for having a low sex drive at the moment and for having negative feelings about sex but I can't keep having sex just to keep him happy if it leaves me in pain and in tears afterwards. I am doing my very best to increase my sex drive and get things back to a happy medium, and yes it does kill me that its my fault but I can't just change overnight, we need to work on it together.
It's generally frowned upon to judge on here... but your OH sounds a knob. It certainly isn't your fault if that is your level of support.
When I see my OH in slight pain I stop, ask her if everything is OK, ask if there anything we can do like use lube, give her a hug or maybe do a different act. I don't carry on until she cries just to get my rocks off.
I'm sorry this isn't great advice for what you asked but perhaps you have other things to consider.
To be fair on him I have never cried in front of him I would run to the bathroom as I normally have a shower after sex and would cry in the shower so he never knew, he would know that I was sore as if we had a long session I would sometimes have to ask him to hurry up as I was sore, especially if we had been having sex for an hour already. I think a main problem in me enjoying sex is that I can't show him what I like as it upsets him as it never allows me to relax and enjoy it if he is rubbing my clit in a way that is painful, he seems to think that everything he does is going to feel nice but some things are just uncomfortable and completely remove any sexiness that had built up. even if I move his hand to where it feels nice, after about 10 seconds he goes back to what he was doing which was uncomfortable anyway
I will have a look at the erotic fiction, that is a good idea as I have never read any, I have watched porn but do find it hard to find something that interests me and if the video is only 1 minute then its obviously not long enough. I actually get really turned on by my partner masturbating so I could suggest we try some mutual masturbation to begin with or something.
blimey - you really shouldnt be having sex like this any more it isnt healthy. You should be open with your OH and tell him what you like and dislike - this isnt a healthy sexual relationship and you running off to the shower to cry and hide it from him is really not how things should play out in a committed relationship.
DrtyBoy wrote:
blimey - you really shouldnt be having sex like this any more it isnt healthy. You should be open with your OH and tell him what you like and dislike - this isnt a healthy sexual relationship and you running off to the shower to cry and hide it from him is really not how things should play out in a committed relationship.
You really do sound like you need to talk!
Good idea with the mutual masturbation. I've not done that with my OH, as she won't masturbate herself, but I'm sure I'd enjoy it.
As for porn, if you enjoy watching your partner mastubate, then maybe something aimed at gay guys would be more appropriate for you? There doesn't tend to be a huge amount of porn aimed at the female audience. You can find lots of free streaming videos online at places like youporn, xhamster, redtube etc. All categorised so you can find something to your taste, and not just 1 minute long, some of them have full scenes lasting 30 ,40 minutes or so.
OMG, I sound like an online porn junkie now
I'd recommend trying some erotic audio files too, they can be very good, and you can just put some mp3 files on an ipod or something, so easier than looking at a computer screen, tv or book.
me wrote:
yes I am on the pill and have been for 9 years, I also take antihistamines every day which I have read can cause dryness too. I used to take antidepressants for 7 years and presumed my problems were caused by being on them but I havent taken them for about a year now so I guess not.
hiya i was on the pill for years, i had no sex drive at all, it might be talking to your GP about the sideffects of the antihistamines, they can try a different type.
me wrote:
To be fair on him I have never cried in front of him I would run to the bathroom as I normally have a shower after sex and would cry in the shower so he never knew, he would know that I was sore as if we had a long session I would sometimes have to ask him to hurry up as I was sore, especially if we had been having sex for an hour already. I think a main problem in me enjoying sex is that I can't show him what I like as it upsets him as it never allows me to relax and enjoy it if he is rubbing my clit in a way that is painful, he seems to think that everything he does is going to feel nice but some things are just uncomfortable and completely remove any sexiness that had built up. even if I move his hand to where it feels nice, after about 10 seconds he goes back to what he was doing which was uncomfortable anyway
I will have a look at the erotic fiction, that is a good idea as I have never read any, I have watched porn but do find it hard to find something that interests me and if the video is only 1 minute then its obviously not long enough. I actually get really turned on by my partner masturbating so I could suggest we try some mutual masturbation to begin with or something.
My husband used to be really heavy handed and it was a total tur noff but i just had to keep telling him until he got the hang of it, the thing is i think he was enjoying himself and not concentrating, if i'm giving him a BJ he forgets about me so now we take it itn turns so we both get pleasure! I also love mutual masturbation! x
I will check them out thank you :)
I have talked to my partner several times about how I would like to be able to show him what I like but so far he hasn't seemed to take it on board. I think we will have a talk again and hope he will be open with me as I have asked what he wants too but I think he just wants to have sex at least once a day and whenever he wants and that's it, he just sulks when we talk rather than seeing it as an opportunity to find out how we can start making things better. I have said we need to work on it and find out what each other like again (which I have tried very hard to do for him and have bought many toys for him too to heighten his pleasure) but I guess we need to have another chat as it has not sunk in yet.
In an ideal world I think I would be happy having sex 2-3 times a week provided an effort was made such as lighting some candles or more focus on foreplay and not always at 3am when I am exhausted.
I think the majority of people focus to much on the ending than the actually beginnig. What will make your orgasms more intense is the lead and build up to it. for get rushing straight into the full shabang! with your other half, lots of for play kissing cuddling massage, you name it, just let your imagination take over, after all its what were thinking about and not just physical touch that makes us horny.
If your on your own, i would watch some Porn, get a mirror and start stroking your body all over pretending your the most hottest sexiest thing ever, fantasise about what ever turns you own, watching yourself in the mirror as your hands take over your whole body, you will know your wet by this point as you will be wanting to put something inside you.If you have got a toy. i reccomend every women to have more than one fave toy to reach more intense orgasms and multiple orgasms, one should buzzing on your clit and one inside you, if you can handle the intensity get a butt plug or small dildo for your ass using all three. will tip your right over the edge. your whol body will be quivering after that.
Then if your man is not fazed by you using toys. use them with him while he strokes your body and sucks your nipples this is always great.
Next time I go to the Dr I will mention about trying a different pill/antihistamine then as it could be something as simple as that which is dampening my sex drive, good point!
I hope I can get it sorted as I really want to be able to have a fulfilling sex life with my boyfreind which is satisfying for both of us
me wrote:
Next time I go to the Dr I will mention about trying a different pill/antihistamine then as it could be something as simple as that which is dampening my sex drive, good point!
I hope I can get it sorted as I really want to be able to have a fulfilling sex life with my boyfreind which is satisfying for both of us
Hi hun,
Have you tried the contraceptive pill microgynon30ed this is the one im on and doesnt interfear with your sex drive.
Having low levels of zinc can also lower you libido, so eating food rich in this should help. thats why the say eating oysters is the food of love, its because is rich in zinc.
Try boosting your intake of zinc that get your sex drive up. sunflowerseeds, almonds bananas are meant to be good.
I am on a different pill than that but will ask my Dr about which ones would be better for me. I will try to eat more zinc too and see if that helps, thank you
This does not sound healthy but damaging and insidious, rather a vicious circle in which you now associate sex with pain and distress. I have started crying on a couple of occasions during sex (not for dryness at all) and my husband stops, comforts me, especially if I feel guilty, and I finish him off with a hand job. Do not be forced into having unwanted sex, it is not your fault and as you have already said that you have tried to use lube he knows that he is hurting you, perhaps the analogy of sandpapering his cock is worth mentioning? Ego-flattering may also serve a purpose if you explain that he is too big to just shove it in there and you need time to work up to the full thing! Bad sex occasionally happens but one of the major things that inhibits enjoyment is an inability to relax. Is it possible that you are unwilling to objectively assess the relationship due to what happened in your parents relationship as you mentioned that you did not want to break up over sex because of this.
Whatever happens he needs to gain understanding and grow up; children sulk, men- real men- do not continue to hurt their partner because they won't play the way he wants.
me wrote:
yeah I don't really get wet at all no matter what and my boyfreind gets annoyed that I ask to use lube as he says it reduces his pleasure. We have gotten to the point where we only have sex once every month if that!
I have tried using a bullet during sex (we dont do oral as i find it annoying as he is stubbly and not very good at it) but I think I find the whole process too stressfull to relax enough, although I enjoy manual stimulation on my own its not enough during sex but then he often gets annoyed at me using the bullet during sex too as he says it gets in the way. He also takes too long to cum so I am normally very sore and swollen after sex which puts me off anyway.
I used to go down on him a lot but I actually haven't done it for at least 6 months as I kind of resent how it is always about his pleasure and how he ignores mine, no matter how much we discuss it he doesnt seem to understand that not everything he does is going to feel nice and gets upset and sulks if I even move his hand during sex and will often stop mid session to sulk if I do that.
Alarm bells are ringing!
Point 1) You can't use lube or toys as they reduce pleasure for him, but you're not allowed to ask him to be gentle when playing with you or he gets upset? Double standards!
me wrote:
I like the idea of just exploring our bodies with no pressure of sex as I have started resenting him kissing me as I know he only does it as he wants sex.
Point 2) When he kisses you, he wants sex...and I'm guessing yu give it to him which is why you've decided avoiding kissing is the best way to avoid sex...instead of saying "I don't feel like sex"
me wrote:
I am not sure he will like the idea though as he will probably just say we don't have sex enough to warrant the effort, I will try though, I really want to get our sex life back on track so I can enjoy sex again rather than it be a traumatic experience, I have even burst into tears after sex before when I felt I had to have sex when I didn't want to.
Point 3) He doesn't want to put effort into your mutual enjoyment! Does he love you? Because if he did, he would want to try hard to make you happy!
Point 4) You feel forced to have sex and cry when you feel forced.
me wrote:
I have put my boyfreinds pleasure above my own for a long time, I used to go down on him for an hour till he could cum as he could never cum from oral before so I just persivered until he did even though I was exhausted by the end of it. I have had sex with him even when I wasn't in the mood reguarly and even when I was still swollen and sore from previous days to keep him happy.
Point 5) You continue when you're sore and feel you can't tell him he's hurting you! I get pain during sex because of an issue I have, if my partner even notices the tiniest wince, he asks if I'd like to stop!
me wrote:
We enjoy our relationship in all otherways and really enjoy spending time together and I DO feel guilty for having a low sex drive at the moment and for having negative feelings about sex but I can't keep having sex just to keep him happy if it leaves me in pain and in tears afterwards.
Point 6) You feel guilty for being you! If he were more understanding you'd feel less guilty!
me wrote:
To be fair on him I have never cried in front of him I would run to the bathroom as I normally have a shower after sex and would cry in the shower so he never knew, he would know that I was sore as if we had a long session I would sometimes have to ask him to hurry up as I was sore, especially if we had been having sex for an hour already.
Point 7) You can't cry in front of him!
me wrote:
I think a main problem in me enjoying sex is that I can't show him what I like as it upsets him as it never allows me to relax and enjoy it if he is rubbing my clit in a way that is painful, he seems to think that everything he does is going to feel nice but some things are just uncomfortable and completely remove any sexiness that had built up. even if I move his hand to where it feels nice, after about 10 seconds he goes back to what he was doing which was uncomfortable anyway
Point 8) See point 1!
me wrote:
Next time I go to the Dr I will mention about trying a different pill/antihistamine then as it could be something as simple as that which is dampening my sex drive, good point!
I hope I can get it sorted as I really want to be able to have a fulfilling sex life with my boyfreind which is satisfying for both of us
Point 9) You're trying really hard, including wanting to try changing pill and he doesn't think it's worth the effort!
That's a whole lot of alarm bells.
I don't think you should be putting the effort into accommodating for much of his childish behaviour.
Adx