Hey guys, I'm in need of advices. As some of you know, I'm experiencing sexual difficulties. It has come to the point as I feel I cannot be satisfied. I am not satisfied by our sex life. I can ahrdly come through penetration and because of that i'm loosing interest because I feel like it has nothing good to offer to me. I have never struggled to orgasm through oral, untill now. Since my OH knows I'm not satisfied and won't be if I don't orgasm, he is very performance focussed. He always tries to give me orgasms and focusses too much on it, to the point where it has made it difficult for me to orgasm at all.
Also, it is getting more and more difficult to be turned on because of that. If I know I'm not gonna have an orgasm anyway, what's the point of having sex? Espacially if he can cum so easily and I can't even experience an orgasm at all. We tried some things so I am more turned on, but when we reach the point where everything works well, he starts thinking about his performance and stops doing things to turn me on, and that makes me start wondering why I don't find it pleasurable anymore and I then try to push myself through orgasm. When this occurs (way too often), We just end up giving up thinking that there is no use in trying anymore. à
I know I am facing this with a pessimist approach, but how can you be turned on by(or even have interest in) sex and enjoying it if you know you won't have any orgasm? How can you not focuss on trying to have pleasure when you know that if you don't get there you're gonna feel frustrated and unsatisfied?
Any help or advice is welcomed. We are tired of this situation and have tried some things to overcome it but nothings has worked so far.
Try not to put so much pressure on yourself and your partner to reach an orgasm. Maybe try steppign back a little and going back to basics, touching each other and focus on finding out what feels good again. Aim to enjoy the touching and sensation rather then aiming for an orgasm from the off, it might help make it fun again and take the pressure off you both.
Can you orgasm through masterbation? Is this a recent thing? Has anything changed in youself or your relationship which could of caused it?
I don't have any trouble to orgasm when masturbating (probably because I know I can acheive it).
I've had an orgasm through penetration maybe once or twice, (but I can with toys but sometimes it takes a lot of help and porn), but through oral I've always been able to come.
There has not been any change in our relationship since then, expect that I started thinking that sex was only enjoyable for men and that I had nothing to benefit from it.
We have also tried getting back to basics but I don't know why we just can't do it. We give each other massages, cuddle, shower together (and always make sure that we both agree that sex doesn't have to follow) but sometimes it turns me on a little bit and I jump on the occasion becaus it almost never happens, and then we end up focussing on performance again.
I think you should use toys in the bedroom just so you get the feeling back that you also can get pleasure from sex. A clitoral vibrator or a wand never hurt anybody during sex. Then you get to (probably) enjoy some orgasm/orgasms since you know your body best and atleast feel you get something out of the sex. It may also make your OH feel a bit less focused on performance if he knows you have gotten orgasms from your vibrator and will be more satisfied with the experience even though he didn't make you come this time. Then he might focus more on the experience instead of performing under pressure.
I have never myself been able to come just by penetration, only oral, so I use toys during play from time to time. Hope you understand my message even though my english may be a bit weird 😘
Don't worry Sxleksaker, I understand (even though i'm not a native english speaker either :O )
What you said could be a good idea.
I could also masturbate in front of him, so I can experience orgasms while he is there. It could help me to be able to orgasm with the pressure we both put on ourselves and it would make it easier to do so when having sex. It's like getting used to the pressure.
The only problem I see with what you brought up is that if I use a toy when having sex, I see it as an aid, so as something I have to use to have pleasure wile my OH doesn't need anything. I feel like I would then only use a toy to make it better for myself so that I can endure having sex only to give him pleasure.
I found it helpfull before to know that there was some ways that could always give me an orgasm if we didn't get there, and oral was one of them. Since I can't even orgasm from it anymore I feel like nothing could guarentee I get to orgasm if I struggled to.
What about taking sex off the menu? Agree for a time limit, maybe a month or even two, and know that you will not have sex with each other. This takes the pressure off from performance, and builds sexual tension between the two of you. Also, helps focus on turn ons as you will both masturbate presumably relying on fantasies.
Or why not develop my previous idea into masturbation sessions only but with the twist of doing it in front of each other? Again, this takes off the pressure of satisfying the other person, and you only have to think of satisfying yourselves. But with the twist of naughtiness, sexiness and a great learning curve as the other watches you do it!!! It can be highly rewarding and arousing and I believe one of the most intimate sexual interactions in a loving couple!
Are you generally open with him about your turn ons? Maybe share fantasies without acting on them immediately, just let them soak in, or watch porn together and discuss or even act out the parts you like? Role playing generally takes the pressure off as they are intended to be acted out without taking yourselves too seriously. So basically just having naughty time in a fun way, consider it like going to a luna park: innocent fun for adults. You do need to take things less seriously in order for your body and mind to relax and enjoy it.
And finally, I have one last suggestion, but I don't know if this would be up your alley... BDSM. If you can allow yourself to seize control consensually to a trusted partner, this will put your mind in a more receptive state. If he can then put your needs before his own, and if he can master the art of putting you at ease while under his control, this can again be highly enlightening to you both. Even just starting out with a relaxed evening, a blindfold, some soft music and some soft restraints might be a good beginning. And then it is up to him. But this might be "tricky" in your condition and I'm not sure it is something you can / should do right now. I fear you are too fragile/hurt/stubborn/angry for this to work and if it's not something you feel comfortable doing, it can backfire a great deal! So if it's something you'd consider, let me know, and I'll try help more on the subject, otherwise I'll shut up about it for now.
May I ask how old is he and how experienced he is with women and sex?
First I think that the masturbation idea could help a lot. We could agree to only masturbate together (and never alone). This would also prevent me from watching porn, which I think could be a positive thing. I am not into watching porn together though. I don't think this would be a great idea, and I am not confortable with the idea.
Secondly, I am trying to teach him what turns me on, but it doesn't seem to work out and I don't know why. Maybe he thinks too much about it and it's not natural to him. I think the performance thing is the biggest obtsacle to it. I wanna feel passion, i wanna feel like he wants to give me the most pleasurable experience, I want him to take control of my pleasure, but even if I know he that does and how much he cares about my pleasure I just can't feel it. We also took a sex survey on the internet to get ideas of things that we could try together, but the majority of it is just things we can't do untill things don't get better.
I have never been interested in role play because I think it would feel so awkward, but maybe it would help to take the pressure off and could help us by getting to laugh together and bring us closer to each other.
And now, about bondage. It is actually one of my fantasies, and he knows. We have bought some basic silky restrains that were on sale and received some bondage tape for free but have never used them. I would love him to take controle over my body and tease me, playing with my mind, and give him a total control of my pleasure. I have also noticed that things go better when we decide that I let things go and give him control (even in normal sex). The only problem is that I don't think that this is someting that turns him on that much, and I even think he is not entirely confortable with the idea since he knows I've been abused and he doesn't want to feel like he is controling me in any way. I'm sure though bondage could help him to let go on those thought.
Finally, He is 23. He has had 3 sexual partners before me, all of which didn't have any issue enjoying sex. He had always been confident about his sexual performance before getting with me. I would say he is good. When we were starting together, he was the best I had ever had. Things are getting worse since he started to worry about performance and since he knows that I am feeling unsatisfied by our sexlife. He really cares about my pleasure and is frustrated too because he says that he can't get any pleasure out of sex if I don't. That's also he struggles to turn my on based on what I tell him to do because he feels like he is manipulating me into sex and doesn't feel like turning me on if I don't look like I am already turned on and wanting sex. He can turn me on better when he is, but for that he have to feel like I am. I don,t know how we can ever get out of this.
Imh95, the problem with putting sex, toys and masturbation aside is that if I don't orgasm by myself, I feel even less interested in sex. When I'm not, it can take a really long time before we have sex or even be intimate together. He doesn't want to pressure me into having sex so he just leaves it that way untill I feel interested again (which usually take a very long time). When we are in this situation, I also end up being scared of anything intimate because I am afraid it might lead to sex and when I'm not having any interest in it, even the idea turns me off to a point it scares me.
I think that this situation is harder to overcome than this situation we are experiencing right now.
I think the idea about not having sex for a while but masturbating together is great, and you should not use any toys when you do this to increase your sensitivity for when you are going to start having sex again.
I think it might be some kind of mental block, you feel like you must achieve an orgasm or else you will feel unsatisfied and your partner will feel bad for not helping you get one. If it just would happen once, I think it might be alot easier after that. So try to not masturbate to often and maybe use some kind of clitoral cream to increase sensitivity for when it is time to finally have sex, so you might get the most out of it and hopefully it will feel better once you have passed that block and know you still can come from him :)
Btw, love your wish list of lingerie, seems like we like the same kind of things.
You all may want to know that penetration has always been a problem between us. First it was painful. I had pysiotherapy for that, but is sometimes still is (but I have learned to end it when it does). After that, I have been afraid it might hurt again. Now I don't, but i'm afraid of not feeling pleasure (while he is struggling not to cum because he likes it so much. I think that it's unfair).
Because of all that, sex has always been mostly based on other things. I am feeling unsatisfied now because I can't orgasm from oral (which I always did before), and because I would like to feel as much pleasure as he does when having sex.
So we have been trying to get to penetration, but this issue is something that we met on the road to get there.
Have you tried reading any erotica? That can get you really turned on mentally and physically.
If you feel the masturbation helps then maybe just do it manually without toys for a short while as toys can have a numbing effect on your sensitive spots whereas fingers are much gentler x
I don't think the problem is the feeling itself. I mean that I don't masturbate that often with vibrators, and I still find his touch pleasurable. It's more of a mental block caused by not being turned on.
For the erotica, I'm sure it would help if I didn't get frustrated by anything or romantic or sensual. It just gets me even more desperate because I'm sad that we don't have it this way and that everything fails :(
Mamz don't be sad about this. You have got a lovely OH that seems to get how you feel and care about your feelings. And you seem to get what he feels and care about him too. To me, this sounds like an good relationship where both of you just want the other to be even more happy, just that you have some problems at the moment that causes some stress and maybe tension because you don't want to pressure each other.
This will eventually pass, and you will be stronger than ever together. You just have to relax and not pressure yourself or feel bad about this. It will eventually pass! Hugs 💖
I feel a little bit less focussed on how the guy feels than the last time we talked. A little time has passed and for almost a week I have had absolutely no interest in sex. Then, one time as we were cuddling and talking about all this, Something happened and we both felt better (something made us understand each other's reaction to the situation better), and we strated feeling turned on by the idea of trying to make things good. It simply failed and neither of us came, but it got me concerned about my ability to come through oral. Since then I'm not thinking about the men's pleasure because I feel I have bigger issues (not being able to orgasm with my partner at all anymore). But yes, the thing that's preventing me from being able to enjoy sex is still the same; i'm afraid I am not gonna feel satisfied.
How can one give up satisfaction? It is not something brought by kissing or holding hands.
I can totally relate to you Mamz, I can struggle to orgasm all to frequently, it's definitely mental and if you could orgasm through oral before then you definitely will again!
Aside from the brilliant advice you have had so far I find that when I'm getting close then I ask him to talk dirty to me as it distracts my mind as well as bring sexy! The filthier the better!!
I also have been recommended Durex Play O orgasm gel! Mine will arrive on Weds but the reviews look good and I'm hoping it'll remover the pressure in my head x
I can totally relate to you Mamz, I can struggle to orgasm all to frequently, it's definitely mental and if you could orgasm through oral before then you definitely will again!
Aside from the brilliant advice you have had so far I find that when I'm getting close then I ask him to talk dirty to me as it distracts my mind as well as bring sexy! The filthier the better!!
I also have been recommended Durex Play O orgasm gel! Mine will arrive on Weds but the reviews look good and I'm hoping it'll remover the pressure in my head x
I am glad to know I am not alone. I hope you get to overcome this and that the orgasm gel does help. I have tried a gel and a balm but both don't work for me and can't offer the pleasure ganrantee that I need.
Distracting the mind is a good idea, but I am not into dirty talk. The kind of talk that works for me is when he tells me how much he wants to give me pleasure and get me to scream and things like that, but I don't think it would help in that situation.
Alone4ever and Era, you are so helpful to me! thanks for trying to help me with every issue I come up with.
Era if you have any other advide on bondage I will happily take them.
Aloneforever, I don't know how you do this but everytime you say something you make me face my situation in a very harsh way while comforting me at the same time.
This v
alone4ever wrote:
[...]
The orgasms will come when you are ready, but you must give yourself the time it takes, there is no quick fix, [...]
This is about feeling love for each other in every touch, [...]
But you must let go of these negative thoughts, when you have them write them down on paper and serimoniously burn them; consign them to the dust where they belong.
You can do this hunni, I know you can. hugs xx
it makes me sentimental. feeling close to my lover and sharing love through touch and pleasure is what I want but we are so far from that right now because of all that performance thing.
Plus the idea of burning those thoughts, wow. I think it could be even more effective than when you told me to have a chakra because it is easier to get rid of the old thoughts than to trying to replace them. And burning them is so symbolic. Only the idea of it makes me feel better. I would feel purified from all those negative thoughts.
And am I right if I say that it seems to me like you actually have actually known love in the past? With your first, just like me. You loved her but she hurt you so bad that you are now protecting yourself too. Could I be right?
Even if we had sex we still aren't to the point where he can cum from it, we both would feel horrible if he did. Instead, he can come anyother way and we are both ok with that.
One time I thought that maybe it would be a good thing to let go on orgasms for a while, not only mine but his too. He didn't agree and was like "I am not the one stuggling to orgasm, I don't see how it would help, we have to focus on giving you an orgasm instead of keeping me from having one. But if that's really what you want, we can try it". Needless to say we didn't because he obviously didn't want to (and his answer was very frustrating for me, but after we talked about it I understand that it was not in to be mean or to blame me for anything).
But I still don't know how I could feel ok with not comming when he does (I mean, I never and he always).