mamz, I really do want to help you, but I need to find a way of doing so without sharing too much personal detail about me on here. I am not comfortable in sharing too much not because of who I am, but because of Lovehoney's copyright policy (I don't want to seize them rights of my story).
Sorry you're having such bad luck with ladies, alone4ever... :(
I struggle with this stuff too mamz. Used to orgasm from oral, now no longer do. When I don't have sex I don't want it, I don't even want him to turn me on so I can want it. Used to orgasm from his hands, now no longer do. It seems like a chore to me, like I 'owe' him because we are married but that makes me angry.
I would love for him to dominate me, I took a test on a bdsm site and I'm 92% submissive which is really no shock at all. But he won't. Or I don't think he will. Plus with the kids we don't have time. We have absolutely no way of getting a babysitter.
Even masturbating since I was doing really well has stopped.
Idk, I don't have anything to offer. Just wanted to say, been there, done that, still there, got the t-shirt.
I was abused sexually as a child so.. That aspect too.
It makes me feel less like a freak to know there are others so maybe if it helps you too?
You're a lovely person, I hope things get better xx
Sweet Cherries, you should edit your post. Life at LH starts at age 18, sorry, but they take this rule very seriously and if you don't edit, they will!
alone4ever, I will figure something out. Meanwhile, I am glad you are here, you give out very sound advice to her. :)
Don't worry about it! I will be off to bed now, time to sleep for me. Good night!
Sweet cheries it does help to know that i'm not alone. I would like to help you too if I could. It is so frustrating though to see that the people who struggle the most almost all have an history of abuse. It makes me so angry and it makes me want to save the world, but I have to save myself first.
Era and alone4ever, I don't want to be a chore to you. Don't feel like it's a duty to answer my post or give advices. Don't take that on your shoulders. I apreciate the fact that you want to help me but you don,t have to if it's hard for you. I know I can be really depressing, espacially for someone affected by the subject. I don't want to get you tired or depressed guys. I love you so much I don't want to get you exausted or make you risk revealing your identity.
Era I also have to say that your advide on this post is really apreaciated and really helpful. Thanks for offering your help. I am thinking about a way to talk to my bf about some of the things you suggested.
Can I ask if you've considered taking yourself out of the equation? It sounds funny but hopefully it'll make sense if I explain.
It sounds to me like you have built up resentment or men being able to have orgasim easily, by default even if you haven't realised it you are resentful of him because of his ability to orgasm. So take you away from that.
Try having a session focused on him. It sounds utterly mad but your thinking too much.
You are thinking too much about you and your lack of orgasim. So take it off the table. Be selfish in an unselfish way. You mentioned you have a fantasy about BDSM. Well have you considered taking the reigns with that? Why not surprise him with a blindfold. Explore his body and learn how to get turned on mentally by what you are doing to him? But set limit make the rule that you will not get touched for an orgasim. Tell him you get pleasure from watching his pleasure at what you do to him. It'll relax him and secure his knowledge that intimacy is okay and stop him from feeling self conscious about his ability to please you. With that it opens a few doors. For one if he enjoyed the control being taken away you have the ability to slip it in on your direction. "You know what I did to you with the blindfold... I want you to do it to me." Removing his fear of hurting you because youve shown him its pleasureable. Or on the flip side you might find you enjoyed the control and if he's willing to do it again you have the ability to tell him how to touch you in a different context, he'll be rewarded for finding the right spots, you get to tell him as the controller and not the girlfriend.
Its amazing what a little mental shift can do.
I think if you can relax him it'll relax yourself.
On the flip side of that after giving him a his only session you can have a you only session taking away the resentment of his orgasim. Then you can use what you have both learnt about your own and each others body's in a joint session.
Just my thoughts.
Its how my husband and I got over something similar in our sex life. (I also was abused) our sex life was fantastic after working on it. But what I learnt was key was being able to appreciate his orgasim and not hate it. We now have a whole new problem to work on. (He has asthma) but for six years these tricks were what kept us going.
Ok, still here. Don't be silly, it is not a chore. What I post on the forum is always well thought out, I never partake in any conversation if I don't want to. I guess I just want to help you so badly because I can relate to what you feel and how you think and I have overcome it. So now I'm a bit tired, but I will be back with more advice when I can think more clearly. You are also free not to take it, I don't mind. Just filter anything that can be useful to you and never mind the rest. :)
Don't worry Era I do and I will continue to do so. I'm feeling a bit tired too (and it's only 9PM here :P) I guess i'll concentrate on studies and think about how to intriduce all this in our relashionship later.
Good night y'all 
I'd like to be able not to feel down when he comes and I don't, but it's just that way. I don,t control it it's a deep feeling.
I agree with the first part. I just don't know who we can focus on the satisfaction of love if one of us still has orgasms. I think it's just gonna end up being about performance again. I don't want to keep him from having his (except by penetration, because if I don't feel like it and I give him an orgasm that way i'm giving myself for him to use).
I don't know if I ever told you about it but after a big depressed period, when I finally got out of it, we decided that we would only focus on love and what we shared and the moment, and no need for penetration. the only difference with what you are saying is that we decided on having a 2:1 orgasm ratio (I hve two for every single one of his). It went so well that the first time we did cuddle we both wanted sex really bad. I was really enjoying myself and was close to come (which wasn't even the goal). He was sure that I was having an orgasm so he let himself have one so we could enjoy having simultaneous orgasms, but it didn't happen because I was not coming. After that, I started foussing on orgasms (and he started having even more trouble not ejaculating so quickly) and it led to where we are today. I don't know how we could get there again but without ending up focussing on performance again.
VABarnes wrote:
Can I ask if you've considered taking yourself out of the equation? It sounds funny but hopefully it'll make sense if I explain.
It sounds to me like you have built up resentment or men being able to have orgasim easily, by default even if you haven't realised it you are resentful of him because of his ability to orgasm. So take you away from that.
Try having a session focused on him. It sounds utterly mad but your thinking too much.
You are thinking too much about you and your lack of orgasim. So take it off the table. Be selfish in an unselfish way. You mentioned you have a fantasy about BDSM. Well have you considered taking the reigns with that? Why not surprise him with a blindfold. Explore his body and learn how to get turned on mentally by what you are doing to him? But set limit make the rule that you will not get touched for an orgasim. Tell him you get pleasure from watching his pleasure at what you do to him. It'll relax him and secure his knowledge that intimacy is okay and stop him from feeling self conscious about his ability to please you. With that it opens a few doors. For one if he enjoyed the control being taken away you have the ability to slip it in on your direction. "You know what I did to you with the blindfold... I want you to do it to me." Removing his fear of hurting you because youve shown him its pleasureable. Or on the flip side you might find you enjoyed the control and if he's willing to do it again you have the ability to tell him how to touch you in a different context, he'll be rewarded for finding the right spots, you get to tell him as the controller and not the girlfriend.
Its amazing what a little mental shift can do.
I think if you can relax him it'll relax yourself.
On the flip side of that after giving him a his only session you can have a you only session taking away the resentment of his orgasim. Then you can use what you have both learnt about your own and each others body's in a joint session.
Just my thoughts.
Its how my husband and I got over something similar in our sex life. (I also was abused) our sex life was fantastic after working on it. But what I learnt was key was being able to appreciate his orgasim and not hate it. We now have a whole new problem to work on. (He has asthma) but for six years these tricks were what kept us going.
Wooww. Sorry I didn't see your post in the first place. I like that idea because it's something that I would never have thought of. What is great about it is the fact that there can be no expectations that way. the idea scares me, but if we realise it and succeed, maybe it could help me overcome other fears that I have. In fact it is realllyyyy scary, but maybe it's the kind of shock that I need to get things moving.
Sorry era, i cant edit it. I dont know how, it never lets me.
Sorry mods, bad day. Feel awful now. Very sorry. Please excuse me.
Sweet Cherries wrote:
Sorry era, i cant edit it. I dont know how, it never lets me.
Sorry mods, bad day. Feel awful now. Very sorry. Please excuse me.
You can only edit posts up to 5 minutes after writing them
Sorry, I didn't want to make you feel bad!!! I'm sure they will understand and edit it for you. Editing is for just 5 minutes as mamz said, and it can be tricky on a mobile... :( Mine does let me, but it's a pain in the you-know-what nonetheless because of the tiny size the editing window come up in on my screen.Sweet Cherries wrote:
Sorry era, i cant edit it. I dont know how, it never lets me.
Sorry mods, bad day. Feel awful now. Very sorry. Please excuse me.
I'm so glad I helped been a little. Its difficult and will be for a long time but the best thing you can do is what you are doing and that's not give up.
What I will say is do it for you. You'll only get better if you are doing it for yourself and not someone else. Its going to sound cheesy but we are all in charge of our own happiness everything else is a bonus.
On a none sexual note how are you in general? With everyday things. I still suffer panic attacks myself. And for my everyday life I've found that meditation really helps. There are some fantastic couples meditation out there too if you think something like that might help with everyday none sexualized intimacy. Me and my husband laughed all the way through the firs one we tried, even that helped as it was just pure enjoyment of the time we were spending together.
There have been posts and threads cancelled of people speaking about their own childhood abuses, so yes, mods take the '18 rule' in the strictest possible way on here. I don't agree they don't allow one to speak about abuse either, but I've seen it happen... I don't think they are unforgiving though, so Sweet Cherries, you shouldn't worry at all, it was an honest and innocent mistake and I'm sure they will fix it for you, do not worry about it! I'm sorry if my warning came off as harsh, I meant it in good faith!alone4ever wrote:
And the rule refers to talking about your personal sexual activities under 18, abuse is not this.
Imh95 : Hi, i'm feeling ok today. Yes i've recieved a lot of great advices expect now I don't know where to start :P
About porn, it's true that I'm a bit ashamed of what I like, and I know it doesn't reflect what I actually want. Porn is a bit of a taboo in our relationship becaure I'm against it. the problem is that I watch it, and I watch things that are part of why I don't like the idea of porn. Plus I know I should try to avoid it because it just conditions me to think even more that sex is only for men and that women are there to be used my them.
I'm glad to hear that you got rid of your own mental block and noy enjoy sex. I'm afraid in my case it's not that I don't give myself permission to relax and enjoy, it's that I want to enjoy it too much and get sad because I don't.
Thanks for your support.
VABarnes, thanks. I actually learned to engage in sex for myself and not for others, and to say no when I'm not into something. The only downside is that my partner often percieves it as selfish, in addition with the fact that I want to feel pleasure and feel bad if he has more than I do.
I'm doing ok in general. Just came out of a thougher phase, when I was thinking deeply (I still do but it's not as intense anymore) that sex is only enjoyable for guys and that a vagina is not made to feel any pleasure but to procure some to a penis. This caused me difficulties with school too as I had trouble concentrating and not thinking about this. I am now late and trying to catch up for my upcoming exams. I'm not that depressed anymore, it's ben a while since i've had a panic attack or been irritable. I guess I could say that i'm getting better. Therapy helps too. Thanks for asking.
I've tried meditation in the past and it helped, but I am never able to meditate only by myself. When you say "there are some fantastic couples meditation out there", do you mean like a bounch of medtations or like meditation for couples? I've never heard of meditation for couples but if there is such a thing I'd be interested in trying it.
I'm so glad to hear you are doing well in general for me sex is an act but life is for living. Sometimes I get so caught up in sex being essential I forget that the little everyday essential things are much more important.
And by meditation for couples I do mean meditations for both of you to do together. I brought some great books on it from Amazon there is also a great one for tantric massage I think will help you. But I'll copy the theory on that out for you once I've had a few hours sleep (its 4:36am)
In the mean time if you type into YouTube guided couples meditation there are some nice short beginners ones that are good to get you started.
On the vaginal sensitivity issue. And I can't believe I forgot to mention this in my previous post, but and it's a little difficult but try doing ten to twenty minutes a day of yoga with kegal balls in. Lol I felt rediculous doing it at first and it was a little difficult but it really helped. I still can't orgasim most of the time out of vaginal only but my god it does feel better after doing that. Plus's the added flexibility doesn't hurt either. ;-)
Sorry if this is coming across as total new ageie hogwash I'm just sharing the things that I've found helps (I won't say helped as you never 100% get over it) me enjoy life and sex to the best of my ability.
I understand because sex is something that takes a big place on my mind too. When things don't work out, I think about it so often and I can't concentrate on anything else.
The couples meditation sounds really intereseting. I'll take a look at it when I have some time, but what exactly are the benefits of it?
I'm not sure I would try to do yoga with kegel balls. I had to have physiotherapy so I could learn to relax my perineal muscles because they where a bit hypertonic and sex did hurt. I still have some stretching to do sometimes because sex hurts when I get too tensed up. I have a pair of jiggle balls and I find them really easy to hold in but I haven't used them in a while. Because my muscles where always too contracted, they didn't have their normal strenght and endurance so I had kegel to do on top of that. I think I could replace them with the balls and still do the stretching (I've stopped doing both since a few months), that way I could have a healthier perineum and maybe experience better sex.
I'm glad this helps you, but may I ask how do you do still living with that? Knowing I may not fully recover from this is one of my biggest fears. I don't want to get better and cope with this, I want to fully recover and have a normal and healty sex life :(