Overcoming performance issues

Sex Tips & Talk
56

For me its a case of acceptance. For me and I can't stress this enough that this is just my experience, its not necessarily going to be the same for you, but just knowing its okay to not be okay helps tremendously.

I have a very understanding and loving husband and that helps. I know I'm never going to be just like everyone else who has always had an easy sex life. So I just decided one day that that's okay. I don't need to have an easy sex life, I don't need to have what everyone else has, I'm different and its perfectly okay to be different. I just work at it harder. My husband and I constantly change what we do and how we do it. When things get hard we stop having inter course and mutual mastubate. We talk all the time. I have a freek out and that's okay too. I don't have to have someone elses sex life to be happy I just need to be okay with the one I have. Sometimes if that means we only use toys for a few months I refuse to feel guilty. He's getting pleasure and so am I and its in a way that isn't hurting anything. Then we go through periods of being crazy active Sexualy.

Like I said for me Its all about acceptance, I'm never going to be 100% okay, and that's okay. Once you've truly accepted that you start to see the silver lining. I kinda just said to myself one day "fine so I'm never going to have easy sex like everyone else but I'm going to damd well make sure I have fun trying everything to make the sex life I do have better." Then we started experimenting, what toys did I like what didn't I?

I have never had an orgasim at all until my husband not even by myself. So I took that and made that an achievement rather than focusing on the negative that I must be broken if I can't orgasim at anything else. Then worked slowly on it until I could make myself get off. Even if it was 1 in 10 times that was still 1 in ten times more than I had before.

Its all about just being okay. Knowing that even when you aren't feeling okay one day, know its temporary and even if it takes along time you will be again.

And above all never stop trying! Even when it feels hopeless! By trying even when you don't feel it it can reassure your partner that you won't give up and reassure yourself that even if you don't orgasim you've just been intimate and close to a person who you love and who loves you. Slowly by being okay with that everything just clicks and boom it creaps up on you and your enjoying it again.

Try a little bit of everything. And remember to laugh! Sometimes it makes it easier by taking the serious edge off it.

I brought glow in the dark condoms and he came bursting in the room wearing it shouting "WHO YOU GONNA CALL?" It was funny and took the pressure off. I couldn't think about anything but how hilarious he was and had my first O in a month because I was so distracted I wasn't thinking about how I probably wasn't going too!

Enjoy each moment for what it is and decide not to care about the one that comes after it!

In a nut shell I'm okay because I decide to be even when its a rough patch.

57

You didn't upset me era, I felt guilty for breaking LoveHoney's rules, felt like I was taking advantage. Plus I worried if I had upset someone, idk. Nothing to be sorry for. You were trying to look out for me. 💖💖

My posts say time to edit Nan.. It just never works.. Very strange.

Feeling any better mamz?

Can I ask? Does it upset you often throughout the day, or is it moe background than that, or does it fluctuate? Has it always been a focus of yours? Are you a take it or leave it person when it comes to sex? Does the issue come up only in relationships or always?

Cause I've mainly been of the leave it, and thought I wasn't enjoying sex through some fault of my own. I would get desires and get turned on from kissing etc but the actual act, I've been lucky to experience a tingle. I count it as an absolute win to even enjoy the sensation, which is odd because the idea of it is hugely exciting.

I think it's exciting that you've even thought thisii out while you're still young. You could work on this and hopefully sort it while still having your peak years ahead, so many years to look forward to with enjoyment.

58

THank you VABarnes, you are so courageous.

Sweet cherries, It does upset me throughout the day, but it fluctuates at the same time. It's like constant thoughts, but the thoughts themselves change depending on how it is going.

It hasn't been a focus untill I realised that there was something wrong. Before that I just went with the flow, putting myself to use and not feeling any pleasure, thinking it was all normal. When I realised that something was wrong, I just fell deeper and deeper and let myself sink in that sadness it brought me. I've been trying everything since then in order to start enjoying sex and overcoming everyother issue that came with my sitution, but so far i've only learned to say no and to experience painless sex, but still not that pleasurable. I'm also learning to have sex because I want to, to have sex for myself, and not for the other because he wants to. Oh and i've also learned to trust my partner. I know now that he wants what's good for me and doesn't want to take anything from me, he only wants to give to me.

I'm not sure I understand the take it of leave it part of the question.

I've had a period too where I was happy about every little step. I was thinking that the most beautiful thing was experimenting together with the person I love, and overcoming these issues together, but bow I am sad because I feel that the exploration isn't really worth it and that nothing is even getting better. I feel like if being happy of what we've got and the progress we make is only a consolation price for what I really want (pleasure and satisfaction).

60

Alone4ever, I am feeling good right now reading your post. I've just had a talk with my bf (that wasn't even intended to end this way) but we decided we would try bondage, on me first, so I can learn to let him in control and so that we can both learn to feel psychological pleasure from him touching me.

Now I know that is gonna take a while till it can bring something, because I know he is not the type of guy to do that in the first place (he only does it because he know I'de love him to). Maybe I should tie him up at least one time so he can learn how great it can feel. I'm sure this will bring back confidence, trust and passion in our relationship, as well as a minimum of a sex life, even if it's just learning for a while. What is great too is that it's a new way of learning, so it won't feel like we've already been there and know there is no use because it's not gonna work (this is pretty much how we feel about sex now).

Your comment really feels warming to me. I guess i'm looking for someone to shake me up a bit. Every great turn i've taken in my life has been preceed by an enlighting insight, I guess I just don't see why things would change progressively and without that aspect for once.

Thanks for bringing me back in the "live the moment" mindset, it've helped me a lot in the past and it still feels good sometimes. I know I forget is more often than I should.

It's nice to hear that I at least master one part of sex: knowing what I like and what I want. We've almost done exclusively oral for 3 years now so of course we know, but there is still things that I know I want that he still doesn't know how to do. At least with oral I'm ready to enjoy the journey untill we get there. Also, i'm sorry that I may have made you want to know how it feels to receive it. I know that if I was in the opposite situation, I would've felt like this :(

Hugs and plenty of love.

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So now, we're taking advices on how to introduce bondage. We will need to decide on a safe word and set our bundaries. Any things you think shouldn't be tried in that situation? We've also thought that I might put on sexy lingerie to turn him on so that he isn't thinking about how to do X or X thing to please me and let himself go with the flow. It would also make him more enthusiastic about the idea I think. I think that being blindfolded would be a good idea and having only my wrists tied as we only have wrist restrains.


Any advice is welcomed. Thanks

62

Wow that is amazing. I red this with a big smile on my face.

First, what I wrote on the other thread is not that beautiful, it's poorly written, in a bad english and with a lot of typos and mistakes (I wish I'd be bilingual). The thing that is beautiful about it is that you felt love and passion in it. Maybe it is beautiful too that such a sexual act can bring this inside me, but it does in you too :)

I like your way of solving your problems. That's what I recently learned to do (bonus, if you never think of the problem aain, then it was irrelevent) but I just can't apply it on sexuality, even though i've tried. Maybe trying new things will help me put some other aside without thinking about them for a while, we'll see.

I have been tied up once before, but it was kind of boring. I didn't feel restrained at all (maybe because of the fact that we used clothes to tie me up and that they were stretchy) and I even wanted him to take way more control over me. I guess we are gonna have to use clothes again to make a blindfold, but for ankle restrains, we do have bondage tape so we can probably make something out of it. Anyways, we are probably going to go with only the wrists the first time.

Even if the safeword is more usefull in more advanced bondage, I am sure that having one now will be a positive thing. As I am just learning to say no, it can be hard sometime to say stop, I find that this word has a heavy meaning, saying chiouaoua though is really easy. Plus, having a safe word makes it ok to say no, so no feeling of guilt afterwards.

I love the idea of him dressing up for me and acting my turns on. I love the idea of deciding that I can give myself to a man who diserves it. You saying it makes me view sex in a better way. I know he'd love me to take control, and I know I can (but it's more of a "I'll take what I want and need", than a "watch out fo the good time i'm gonna give you") but i'm still not there yet. My mood isn't good enough to want this right now, but it'll sure be a part of our future.

He does know what to do for me, what are my turn ons and how to please me (at least with oral). The only problem is that he doesn't do it naturally, and when he thinks too much about it, it just doesn't work. I am not afraid to tell him what I want and like (after he insisted on me doing so, I am getting more and more used to it). I tend to do it more before or after sex than while it happens. I like the idea of having one blindfolded and one tied up for that, I could then have no other choice than guide him all the way. My bf doesn't have a big ego, and he wants me to teach him, but I'd like him to be more confident and dominant and strong, but using it all to please me and take care of me. I don't know if you know what I mean.

I'd also love if we talked to each other more during sex. I find it a huge turn on if he lets me know how excited he is and how much he wants me and what he wants to do to me (still to please me of course). We have tried it but it never woks. Both of us are very bad at it and never know what to say. It always just ends up like "i want to eat you so bad" "Then why don't you do it ;)" "uh, yeah, I don't know.." and both of us being just like "yeah.. that was bad".

I love all the possibilities that it offers and all your great advices and plays. It's a good way too to concentrate on something else if one thing doesn't work.

I saw the underbed restrains offer but wasn't interested. I was more interested when there was one with a FSOG bondage kit and last's week DOTW with the FSOG over the door cuffs. Now i'm looking to by some door restrains when we have a little bit of experimentation done.

Thanks for all those great tips! It makes me feel empowered (which is what i've been after for a while)

64

Yeah those compliments are a bit romantic in my opinion and I have a tendency to dissociate romance and sex. I know that's a problem too.

When we strated dating, he had that attitude that I like and that turns me on, but he slowly lost his confidence because of the situation and because of the fact that we try to overthink it to try to make it better. It's not natural anymore and it doesn't work so of course his confidence isn't there anymore :( But I like the fact that he thinks about me and wants to make sure everything is ok even if that stops spontaneity and lowers his confidence.

I am looking to find a way to get him back like he was, but I don,t know if it's possible right now because of the situation. If we weren't in a situation in which we feel insecure about what is going to happen and in which we have almost no interest anymore, maybe things would be better but I don't know how we could get out of the situation.

66

mamz, I have not forgotten about my promise to come back and try and help you some more. I've been reading this thread and am super happy that alone4ever is here to help you, his tough love is spot on! I've just been super busy these days, but I now have found a way. If you have time, I hope I'll catch you on here tomorrow.

67

Don't worry, we will try and keep trying.

We are probably won't gonna be doing anything up to 2 or 3 weeks but after that we'll try (I'm saying that but i'll probably end up procrstinating and it may lead to sexy time), so advices are still welcomed and will always be because we are never gonna be perfect.

68

Alone4ever, I just wanted to share something. I eas listening to some random music, and that song that eas playing caught my attention because I had the feeling it was like what you are telling me. Listen to it id you like (it gets better after 30s don't worry) or look up for the lyrics: the song is control by alexisonfire

69

Well, I have been advocating all over this forum lately about how good I think the Tie & Tease board game is to introduce bondage play taking the pressure off. Could this be an idea for you two?

70

Yes it could! We have never played any sex games so this would be a lot of firsts time. But I feel confident in trying without a game too, i'm not scared, i'm even a little excited about the idea. The game would be a little bonus. I saw people on the forum saying how they liked the game monogamy and I saw some talking about tie and tease too but I wasn't sure if the comments about that one were positive or negative.

71

Well, I very strongly advocate for Tie & Tease, and against Monogamy. The latter was a bore, with lots of non logically sequenced tasks, lots of drinking and kissing... It is also very-very vanilla. Tie and Tease on the othe hand will surely make you try new things, in a very fun way. It is our favourite board game, and we have lots. It is also the one that has opened the doors to bondage for us. :)

72

Hey guys, I just wanted to get you informed about how we are doing with all this.

First, we finally tried tying me up and it went better than expected! I was expecting him to be unconfident and all, and he was at the biginning but when he saw how much I was enjoying it he became more and more confident and exploring. The only downside is that again, once he got close enough, he started focussing on giving me an orgasm. We started with the idea that we would give it a shot only with touching with no need to go further, but as we got more and more aroused we things just went there by themselves. I even found myself begging for him to make love to me, and he loved it and took control even more by acting like he was the one to decide whether or not I diserved to get penetrated. I had an orgasm, but not during penetration because he had to withdraw while I was so close that I just orgasmed while he was out. It was great and left us both in a mood for sex for the following days.

So the next day, we were cuddling and playfully touching each other with no intention to have sex or to orgasm at all, and so, I had an amazing orgasm in less than 5 minutes. I am happy because it really does mean to me that I can orgasm as quickly as a guy can and that I usually don't because we are focussing too much on it.

Also, things are starting to move a little with therapy. Things are slowly being sorted out. I even talked to my ex this weekend, telling him how I am still traumatised of the relationship and what I did that I still didn't forgive, and he took it all very nicely and all. It really is a weight lifted off my shoulders. It felt good too to know that I am not the only one that's been hurt in this relationship.

75

Ok so news again for those interested:

Yesterday we talked about it again (we do often). I explained him why it is important to me that I feel as an equal and that I don,t feel like I'm cutting from my own pleasure to give to the other and don't simply enjoy what feels good and stop caring about the rest.

He told me why he thinks it's possible for a girl to have more pleasure making love (even without any clit stimulation) because he used to give 2 or 3 orgasms to his ex before he came and he says that after the first 5 or 10 minutes things start feeling numb and it doesn't do much for him and it's all for the girl. This makes me feel more equal but I can't help but wondering if his ex has been faking or if her clit is closer to her vagina than mine or whatever, all in all if this is possible for me too. I am also wondering if it's really like he says it is or it's it's simply that because he is used to more pleasure he just thinks it's like that while I would find it pleasurable if I was feeling the same.

This brings me some questionning but it also makes me feel a bit better about this unequality thing. It makes me feel like I have a caring and loving partner and that I can trust that I'm never being used because I can maybe feel as much pleasure has he does.

He also insisted a lot about how for him the feeling of his penis is not important while making love. What is is the feeling we share, and how he gives me pleasure and how I react on each of his mouvements or to what he gives me, he sees it like a connection and that's what feels good for him. I'm still wondering if it's really like that or if it's simply because he feels so much pleasure that he just doesn't need to focus on it.

So things are still not sorted out but I feel like it's gotten a bit better.

76

Thanks for the updates mamz, I'm so happy things are getting better for you! It also sounds like you really do have a gem as a boyfriend. :)

77

I do :)

78

mamz, are you around here right now?

79

What do you mean? If i'm on the forum at the moment? Is everything ok?

80

Sorry, I left. Yes, I meant the forum. Everything is fine, I would just like to catch you "live" here for a chat. :)

81

Yeah it's hard to do since i'm always studying and on here when I take brakes :P