Partner not interested in sex

Couple of months ago. Wife could happily go without sex I believe. Gets me depressed and results in self loathing.

It can be quite common for women to have or go through phases with a low libido, this could be for numerous reasons such as:

  • stress
  • tiredness
  • hormones
  • energy levels
  • medical conditions

I really hope you can stop self loathing and feeling down about it as it may not be in her control.
It’s like, if your body is not at all tired - then you can’t just fall asleep.

Do you still play and have fun together that doesn’t involve sex.
What does she say when you talk about wanting her more.
Do you think there’s any little sweet or romantic gestures you might be able to do, to get her in the mood.

2 Likes

As well as the romantic things, what about acts of service @Scottishfunk? Even just the little things around the house that is one less thing for your wife to worry or stress about.

2 Likes

@Cupc8kes @For_Your_Eyes_Only_x and @GlasgowGal trust me I’ve tried everything. Things went downhill as soon as we found out she was pregnant. Our son is nearly 4 now! I have to accept my wife just doesn’t like sex. She would never talk about it, never initiates it. Won’t even let me go down on her these days, even though I love doing it. We barely cuddle or kiss these days. It’s so bad she hasn’t seen the self inflicted punch marks on my ribs or the scissor marks on my body. Shows how much attention I get paid. I’ve never felt more alone in my life.

1 Like

@Scottishfunk I’m honestly really sorry to hear that and if you don’t feel like you can talk to her about it please talk to someone else that you can open up to, even if it’s people on here plenty of us are great listeners.

1 Like

Withholding any type of intimacy including sex is emotional abuse whether your wife is aware of this are not, and whether that is her intention or not.

4 years is a long time too. She obviously liked sex at one point to have a child. Something obviously has changed that she either doesn’t want to tell you or just expects you to put up with it.

Yes a relationship shouldn’t be based on sex alone but it’s still important aspect of any romantic relationship. No intimacy, you might as well be flat mates.

As someone said, talking to someone would be helpful especially you’re self harming. I know you have a child but when a partner cuts all communication and you’ve hit a wall at every attempt to fix things, is it time to call the relationship a day or do you want to keep trying to make it work.

And I’ll assume she wouldn’t be open to couples counselling either?

2 Likes

Please talk to someone. The self loathing and harm is not a good path to be on. Lack of intimacy can destroy your self confidence, please find help to get it back.

1 Like

So sorry to hear that @Scottishfunk, I love my girlfriend, but we haven’t had sex/foreplay or any intimacy for nearly 11 years now, I just accepted it knowing it will never change, but it’s really hard, all kinds of things have gone through my mind over the years. I’ve felt terribly low, angry & unwanted. Feeling like I wasted a chunk of my life. I discreetly bought sex dolls etc for solo play, but i just felt guilty everytime I used them, she’s never asked me if I satisfy myself and I’ve never told her I use this forum.

1 Like

Please don’t suffer in silence, self loathing and self harm are alarm bells, please seek some help.
I was the wife that with held from my hubby for 15 years, I never showed any love, no interest anything, I had been abused and took
Me a very long time to realise it. I got counselling and things were amazing between us and we did get our sex life back. It was a long road to recovery for me. I’m not saying this is what’s wrong in your relationship.
Maybe you could seek some counselling or help from your Gp ? Even if at first, it’s you, before you discuss with your wife? So that you have a safe space to open up, and air your feelings?

3 Likes

I feel for you @Scottishfunk
It’s really hard being in that situation but she needs to open up and talk to you, otherwise how will the relationship continue.
Surely she can’t be happy neither, so it will be in both hers and your best interest for her to open up and let out her feelings.

It can end up in a no-win situation.
You stop trying with her because you keep getting rejected and feel unloved.
She has no confidence and feels unwanted because you don’t keep trying with her anymore.
But if you both could manage to talk it out, you’d both end up feeling more positive and understanding the other person’s needs.

We are here if you need a release and remember, you deserve to be happy!

This is where we are @Cupc8kes. I’m a very sexual person willing to try most things twice. My wife is the opposite, which I’ve always known. I’m no sex pest and have alway respected limits. Funny thing is I’ve always had her pleasure in mind. She must be the only woman who doesn’t like oral, intimate massage and any general foreplay. Always get the impression she wants it over with as quickly as possible. I never ask for anything in return. I don’t know what to do. All sorts of things have crossed my mind.

One thing that that could change people’s opinions is that she’s the only woman I’ve ever been with, and didn’t meet her till I was late 20s. So I’ve missed a whole lot of sexual activities through my life. We were a great couple not so long ago. Now I drink to much on Saturdays which used to be sex night. Then go to bed angry and frustrated. While she’s asleep I lay awake thinking dark thoughts.

1 Like

You really need to both get some counselling, for both your sakes. We are here for you, but if you’re self harming, drinking to excess and having dark thoughts, you really need help or to get out of the relationship. Sorry i can’t be more help.

4 Likes

@Scottishfunk
You definitely shouldn’t allow things to continue the way they are, it will only get worse.
If deep down, you both love and trust each other and want to stay together - then you both need to put some work into making it a better relationship for you both.
This will also create a happier home for your child.

If you have a hard time talking to her, you could try getting all your thoughts and feelings down on paper, and giving them to her in a letter.
This way, she can take some time to think about what you’ve said and process her thoughts before she responds.
She might even be thankful for the opportunity to open up to you without being put on the spot in the moment, she also may appreciate that you want to do what it takes to improve the relationship and make her happy.

1 Like

I think that maybe you both see a doctor together (Maybe difficult cyourrently i know) my OH had loss of libido many years ago and low dose testosterone implants did the trick. If i remember correctly, they lasted 3-6 months.

Hi @Scottishfunk I’m so sorry to hear that things are so bad. If you’re self harming you really need to seek some help and support from a medical professional - I know you probably don’t want to (neither did I when things were bad) but it’s important to get the support you deserve.

If your OH refuses to change anything or even discuss the situation with a counsellor that is really unfair and not ok. I understand that some people don’t want sex and if that is the case then you would need to accept that and decide if you can continue in the relationship but she owes you an explaination and an attempt to improve things at the very least. At the end of the day you can’t make someone want sex but she should at least be willing to try talking to a counsellor.

This sounds a little harsh but I would suggest telling her exactly how this is making you feel and saying that you need things to change or you would need to consider leaving (even if this isn’t something you actually want to do). Giving her an ultimatum might spur her on to agreeing to some counselling or attempting to improve the situation if she wants you to stay.

I really hope you get something sorted x

1 Like

Has she given even you any reason as to why she isn’t interested in sex? You mentioned it’s been like this since you found out she got pregnant. Does she have fears of falling pregnant again or something? Is she masturbating/seeing to herself at all? At least that would mean she’s still sexual in some way and not gone off completely. Admittedly, I prefer using toys but that doesn’t mean I make my partner obsolete.

I agree with @WillC . It needs to be dealt with and the sooner the better - especially if you’re already at the point of self harm at 4 years. What will happen when it’s 6 years? 10 years? If it’s not going to get better, then what? Is there any point in having the relationship if you’re unhappy and harming your health?

Big cwtches @Scottishfunk definitely speak to her, but I’d also speak to a doctor or mental health charity about how you are feeling to get some support just for you.

I went off sex after having kids - a combination of tiredness, hormones from the mini pill, just feeling all touched out from kids all day, and major fear of the pain and discomfort which came from childbirth! For the almost 3 years of only special occasion quickie sex, I thought my husband was fine with our almost non existent sex life as he understood. It was only when my libido came back, after coming off the pill and children settling etc, that he actually told me how badly it affected him, his self confidence and self worth. It broke my heart to know he was so hurt, and that we could have been intimate in other ways or dealt with it all sooner.

Maybe your wife will be the same, maybe it needs you to tell her how bad you are hurting for her to see it, and for her to address any issues she has with herself.

But ultimately, NO ONE is worth hurting yourself for (I say as an ex self harmer/depressed/PTSD sufferer) and your kid needs a safe and happy daddy, so if you need to walk away if talks don’t help, then that may be the road to face :heart:

7 Likes

Spot on @WelshDragonette and much love @Scottishfunk xx

1 Like

Yep @Scottishfunk I have to agree. It’s more than time for change. You, and your family, deserve better. Hopefully you will find a way forward with them, rather than without them babe, but it’s time to get some help and move forward instead of being stuck in amber.

1 Like

It’s possible that she resents you for something. You said she was upset about getting pregnant 4 years ago now. Could it be that she is afraid it will happen again? Could her body have gone through a very traumatic experience (giving birth), and she has fear of going through that again? Has she had a hormonal imbalance all this time and not even know it? Would she be willing to go to an Endocrinologist to get that checked out? Did she have a traumatic experience that she never told you about? There could be so Many reasons. Don’t be hard on yourself for it. I resented my now ex-boyfriend for years, and because of that had no physical emotion or attraction towards him. Resentment came because I felt he didn’t consider my feelings on having a future. Consider speaking up about how her lack of emotional and physical intimacy is taking a toll on you, and you think she should either see a horomone specialist(also check pituitary gland), or seek marriage/sex counseling. You absolutely must know that this is not worth hurting yourself over. A first step, is to cut down on your drinking, and be kind to yourself. I’m rooting for you.

4 Likes