@Yesjo have you sent him the pic you posted here? It may stir him up.
Yes I have before but he doesn’t ask me to wear them and it didn’t get him horny or turned on so have stopped trying
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Yes we do I’m just going to back off because I don’t like the feeling of being rejected 
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That’s a shame, all i can suggest is talk frankly to him about how his lack of interest is making you feel. Good luck.
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I really hope you get things sorted Yesjo and you feel better Malcolm of confidence is not a good thing and rejection you look very nice hun and he should be pleased you made such an effort he should think how lucky he is and appreciate you more 
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I feel your pain . It’s been about 9 years for me now . I hope you can work things out x
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If it was me I would try to explore exactly what he’s getting off on online. Is it a particular kink or power exchange fantasy, is there any interaction with other people involved?
If it’s as simple as that he likes just watching porn then I would be thinking how that could be turned into watching me, watching another person we both enjoy, watching our own home videos, or watching porn together if there was no other way.
Porn can be a crazy spiral of watching ever more extreme things and totally losing grip on the realities of sex and connection. When it gets like that I tend to think people need to get help fixing it, or realise it’s an issue and fix it themselves.
That’s just me, hopefully nothing too close to a nerve there.
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Have you tried mutual masturbation?
Tell him you’d like to be included in his masturbation time, perhaps you could lie next to each other in bed and both sort yourselves out, even if that means to start with he still has his porn in front of him. I know for me, if it came down to wanking over some porn vs wanking over watching my wife pleasure herself, my wife would win 1000% of the time. It may re-train his brain away from porn stimulation back to you.
Perhaps you could put the porn on somehow for you both to watch and masturbate too (might be tricky if its not your thing)?
Make a video of yourself masturbating and let him watch that for his stimulation?
If you are going to just back off and give him space, have a chat with him about it and maybe even put some time schedules in place. Tell him you’ll give him some space for a few weeks, but would like to chat after that period and see where he is at, then if needed, do another 2 weeks, rinse and repeat. I wouldn’t leave it much longer than 2 weeks at a time though. Make it clear he is free to approach you before that period of his own volition, but that there is no pressure and that you are there for him if/when he needs it.
I’d then take that time to do some self love, that may be masturbation, or it could be as simple as taking “me time” going for a walk, a coffee, meeting friends for a drink, a hot bath, really anything that is just for you.
You may find that allowing him some space and him seeing that you are looking after yourself too may aide in re-kindling his desire.
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I know it used to be porn he would watch but now it’s real women online and think he as an online relationship with them. Back story is that he started an online relationship with a woman 4 years ago because he gamed with her on xbox and he was going to leave me for her, they was always messaging each other and she would send nude pictures and naughty videos plus found lots of other pictures on his phone of other women.
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That’s not a great situation or senator to find yourself in what or did you ask him about this what was his defence. You find yourself in a very bad situation, I do not have a perfect answer for you ! You have to do what is best for you it appears he isn’t going to stop so maybe you have to ask what do you want for yourself and build on that ! Sorry I really hope you get it sorted hun @Yesjo 
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All he said that he gets carried away with it and can’t help it excuse and when I did find what I found he said sorry not because he got caught lol
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Hey! That’s fairly heavy, thank you for sharing that.
I feel like relationship councelling is the obvious suggestion, talk it out with an experienced and unbiased third party. I think over a forum that’s the only easy advice that anyone can give.
Some probably useless irrelevant opinions… If it was me though I would [domineeringly]:
- Explicitly open the relationship partly (seeing as it already is).
- Focus on what is causing his mental arousal – I would want to be completely aware of all of his play partners.
- Set boundaries and limits on things I was not OK with.
- Replace any OkCupid, FetLife, etc accounts he has with couples accounts or linked accounts… So that any of his play partners know that he is ultimately taken.
- Slowly rein him in so that more of his play is with me.
My goal with that would be that being involved in his sex life will be a turn on & to ultimately end up in the position where I am his primary partner & any play he does on the side is known about, accepted, and would ideally involve me (because 3way can be fun).
If the above either didn’t work or didn’t result in him just dumping his online play (because I made it stressful) – Then I would fully open the relationship and find my fun elsewhere, or move on to a new relationship.
Sorry, probably fairly useless opinion, that last bit 
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Hi @Yesjo as it has been said it’s very heavy and not the best response for you and your own self esteem or worth, I am not sure If I agree about getting involved in what he is doing if he wanted to include you the surely he would of done that .
Maybe 
you have to think and put your needs above his and do what you feel you need and want it’s not a situation I envy and would think it would not be resolved easily especially if he has shown a lack on interest in you and does not talk to you about it . It will only push him away further you need to do to protect your own sanity and for your self worth hun . to be honest what a waste but it is his loss I’d say but it’s easy for me to say because I am not in your situation. Gl hun I hope you sort it out for the best for you
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@Yesjo as others have said that’s really heavy stuff, I’m assuming here that you hadn’t previously agreed to an open relationship before he started things with the other woman online.
Please excuse the harsh question but do you actively still want to be in a relationship with him?
Apologies if I have misread or got the wrong end of the stick but from what you’ve said he’s cheated on you via xbox, was going to leave you for her, is seeing other women online and isn’t making an effort to engage in your sexlife as a couple. If this were me I would be questioning why I still want to be with this person.
It sounds like you are trying hard to keep things together and to improve things, please have a think about what is best for your own happiness. You deserve to be happy and wanted
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Because he has been doing it for a long time I’ve come to the conclusion that I should stop hassling him. A) he will just hide it more and B) stop hating myself because its his problem and had enough of telling myself that I’m ugly and hate my body and not good enough. So I’m going to look after myself and do thinks for myself and get my confidence back
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@Yesjo I agree with you looking after yourself hun as for ugly your far from that I am sure with some self love and attention to your own needs you will gain your confidence it my take time but learn to live yourself and you know your own needs and wants and I would definitely pander to them! I don’t know what you do about the OH and the situation you will have to either live separate lives or come to a mutual agreement somehow to do what you want like he is clearly doing ! I hope you find yourself again and your confidence your not ugly hun and from your pics very sexy enjoy exploring yourself 
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No way are you ugly and no way has this anything to do with being together for 21 years!
Mrs300 and I have been together for 24 years and it just keeps getting better.
Yes I watch erotica and masturbate but Mrs300 knows that this is no reflection on her and how sexy she is and that I would rather be making love! She just doesn’t have as much of a sex drive as I do and is happy with where we are.
I hope you can have a chat about the issues and get things sorted!
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Put yourself first! Get your confidence back and learn to enjoy your body for wat it is. Maybe someone else will take more notice off you elsewher and treat you right!
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This is your husband’s issue and not a reflection of you at all. Never ever think you’re not enough because you are. Like some have said already are you happy being treated second best to porn and other online addiction? You’re entitled to feel wanted and loved and if he’s not willing to provide that, make a effort to change his habits then you need to think really hard is this end of the road? You need to have a good talk with him, away from phones, computers etc and see if he’s willing to sort this out and go from there.
Unfortunately backing off and leaving him to it isn’t sorting anything.
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