I lost the V-card and it didn’t go well. I’m a lesbian who just learned she was one. A week ago I had sex for the first time with my girlfriend, and it went terribly.
During the sex I didn’t know what to do and it was obvious because my GF got irritated and said I should know what to do already at my age. I tried to give her head but she stopped me and asked me how I could not know how to give oral by now. I felt so embarrassed and it hurt my feelings because I started out excited to learn but it wasn’t good enough I guess. After the sex we talked about it and I shared how it made me feel when she had that reaction. She said I shouldn’t of been that bad at it then and that I was being too sensitive. Now I don’t want to have sex anymore because I was bad enough for her to have that reaction.
I know I’m a late bloomer but I did not think sex would be like this and I didn’t know it would be this hard for me to do. She knew it was my first time, but maybe she just doesn’t have the patience to teach me? I don’t know if anyone even will.
If she knew it was your first time then how could she expect you to know what you were doing? Sex is something you learn to be good at, not something you just know how to do perfectly right away. I’m sorry she wasn’t more patient and understanding.
Your post is very similar to another young lady, who is going through a similar situation just recently with her boyfriend.
I will link it for you to have a read.
We all have to learn somewhere, that’s how you gain experience - expecting someone to know everything for the first time is unrealistic. It’s the wrong attitude.
I would sit down and have a chat with her. Let her know how it’s made you feel. And then the decision is completely upto you on how you move forward.
I wish there was magic to offer you. But I think whatever the ladies have to offer will be your best advice. It’s regeretable you had that expoerience just know it isn’t the indicator of who you are as a person or a lover.
Sorry to hear of your first time not being a good experience. As the ladies have suggested, have a heart to heart talk with your partner and let her know how she made you feel. She needs to understand that she also has responsibility in communicating gently what she may or may not like. Sex is a 2 way street and open, empathetic communication is key for it to be a good mutual experience.
Welcome to the forum, and I’m sorry to hear about your first experience. Sex isn’t everything, but it is a huge part of a romantic relationship and truly an indicator of how relationships might progress (one of my favorite relationship experts says “how you do sex is how you do life, and how you do life is how you do sex.” )
I’m a straight dude so I can’t get into whether and how technique may be specifically applied, but I’m appalled at your partner’s response. She doesn’t sounds at all trustworthy with such an intimate experience and would be hard to trust to share other parts of life with, too. I don’t know how “late bloomer” you are, but there’s clearly a dearth of emotional maturity and empathetic life experience here.
And not to say that relationships can’t survive mistakes and emotional damage between partners (the same expert says the best lasting relationships are those that know how to recover well) but that you’re in a position from which you should proceed with caution.
And finally, to reiterate that there’s nothing wrong with you for being a true novice your first time. Your partner is the one with a problem.
I’d like to 2nd Stacy2 with respect to you taking a look at that other thread as many of the responses there are applicable to your scenario as well.
I’m really sorry this happened to you.
This is a person you shouldn’t want to be with going forward.
She showed you her true colors and they aren’t good at all.
There are so many better people out there, people who will say try it this way, this is what I like, yes, keep doing that, OK, no, don’t do it that way but like this.
She could have also show you by doing to you what she likes as well.
For her to get irritated and put you down showed you that she isn’t the right person to be your partner.
Sex is but one component of a relationship, sure it’s a big one, but there is much more to a relationship than just sex and she showed you what she’s really like as a person and it’s not good.
You should remind her that oral sex is a learned skill. She should have been understanding about that. If you are searching for guidance, you might want to consider the book, “She Comes First” by Ian Kerner, PhD (from Harper Collins).
Sorry to hear that your first experience has been like this, strangely (as others have said) you’re the second to have a bad experience in quick succession.
Oral isn’t something anyone will be an expert at straight away, everyone is different and likes different things.
I would say your partner isn’t the one with that reaction however, whether you stay with her or move on, communication is key, ask them what they like, during, ask them how it feels and read they’re body language.
I’m sure you’ll learn a lot from the forum as there’s a wealth of experience, don’t let this first experience put you off!
Sorry to hear that your first time wasn’t all fireworks and rainbows, but in truth it seldom is.
What is slightly more disturbing is your girlfriend’s reaction, especially if she knew it was your first time.
If she wasn’t enjoying what you were doing she could have coached you, and help. She could have performed on you to show you how to do it, but to criticize seems harsh.
I would explore your own body with fingers and toys, what feels good for you is likely to feel good for her.
If she isn’t understanding of your situation and isn’t patient then it could be a red flag for the whole relationship.
Please do not be put off, as with most things practice makes perfect, how with regard to sex it is rarely perfect but it is great fun.
There’s a reason it’s called your first time. Pretty harsh to expect perfection from word go and react like that. Took me a couple of decades, I reckon, to “get up to speed”.
I wince whenever I hear/use “should” because I learned that “should” is a shaming word – it’s there to humiliate the other person to do better. How can you know what you were doing? It’s your first time! Where on earth does she think you’ll get this instant sex goddess knowledge from? You won’t. As others have said, we learn as we grow.
I’m sorry to hear about your girlfriend’s reaction. She sounds disrespectful at best, and not somebody I think is likely to change unless she wants to. I think that’s a better reason for not wanting to have sex with her again; not because you’re “bad” at sex, but because she is a bad partner for you. You need and deserve someone who is patient, loving and kind. Everyone does.
There are other glaring red flags in her behaviour as well that would make me seriously question whether she is someone I personally would want as a life partner. She called you “too sensitive”? Again, that’s shaming, and that’s not very respectful. You’re not “too sensitive”; your feelings were hurt, and your feelings are valid too. She needs to apologise to you for being insensitive.
I think it’s worth one last conversation obout respectful communication, but if she blows up and tries to blame you again instead of apologising and trying to do better, I think I would say my goodbyes. I’ve been with disrespectful partners before and they’re not worth fighting with/for. Don’t settle for less, see your worth and find better. You deserve someone who loves and respects you
I can echo what the others have said. I am a straight guy, who loves to give oral to my wife by the way. For your first time you would obviously have no experience. It’s sad your girlfriend treated you that way, and the disrespect she showed is telling. But don’t give up on yourself. There are many resources available to you including here to help you along. First, take time to learn your body and how it likes to be touched. Then, when you find someone new to share your journey with, you can simply ask them how they like to be touched. And when you are doing oral, listen to their breathing and pay attention to subtle cues that give you an idea what you are doing feels good. You’ll get the hang of it in time. And remember, we all start out as novices, no one inately knows how to do it, it is a lifetime learning experiiy. Be kind to yourself and have good safe sex. And welcome to the forum.
Most first times are usually a disaster, mine was…and a lot of subsequent events, but it does bet better , your gf is a bit of a lady jerk, she needs to learn some basics too, hope it gets better for you !
@Natalierem Welcome to the forum. It’s very sad that your GF has made you feel this way, and no one should ever have to feel this way especially after their first time having sex. I don’t understand how you’re supposed to know exactly what to do, this is all new to you so you need to have time to understand what works and what doesn’t. It seems your partner doesn’t have patience and in this situation she should’ve been guiding you and explaining what works for her. Every person is different so what feels amazing for one person may not necessarily feel too great for the next. You’re not being overly sensitive, you just want to understand why she reacted the way she did.
I wouldn’t let this get you down and put you off having sex as the next person maybe more understanding and give you all the time you need to learn each others feelings.
I hope you and your partner can work things out and gain that confidence you need. Have a chat and explain that for you to learn what is good for her she needs to help guide you along the way so you can make it feel good for her.
All that aside did you actually enjoy the sex you received with your partner for the first time?
I am so sorry things did not go well. I also think your partner needs to re think things and should have been more supportive. A good conversation needs to take place, where you can discuss things and move forward. Sex needs to be enjoyable to both of you but it is a learning curve. Good luck.
I’m sorry you’ve been through that and my first reaction was you need to leave. You deserve better. Spend much time on this forum and you’ll realise non of us know everything. Every day here you’ll learn something new. A new way of thinking, a new technique, a new fetish. We’re always growing and we’re all at different stages and thats the way it should be.
I love going down on my wife and I’ve done it now for 30+ years so you’d think I’d have multiple certificates and masters degrees. But I can still get it wrong and some days the stars just don’t align. Almost every time she’ll still give me instructions. Tell me what she needs and where she needs it. I’m not a mind reader and since every time we do it the mood is different, the environment is different, the position, the foreplay, and we’re both human … she’ll need different things in any given moment. So she’ll communicate. sometimes I’ll still get it wrong ( giving an ADHDer verbal instructions is usually a recipe for disaster )
Only two days ago I was living my best life for what must of been 30+ minutes and in the end she still needed to pull out the suction toy to cum. Sometimes, thats just the way it is and you have to embrace it. I just laughed it off and stayed involved to add more pleasure while she was doing what she needed. No guilt. No shame. No blame. No sense of failure. She had 30mins of pleasure and then a satisfying orgasm. We were both happy.
Will it go down as our most memorable session ever? No. But we cuddled and were both happy.
Don’t let her complete lack of empathy and compassion put you off sex. It can be better than that and you will find it. And I think most peoples experience of losing their virginity is not the fairytale experience many expect or hope for. Its a mess. My own was .. dissapointing .. and I went home and had a wank so I could have sex with someone who cared.
Read these forums and you’ll realise you’ve got a lot of joy and happiness and sexual satisfaction coming your way whether you want toys, kink or vanilla.. Don’t let this one woman put you off experiencing that.
I’m sorry, that sounds like a horrible way to be treated and hugely unfair and unreasonable to put that level of expectation on you.
No-one is a sex ninja and despite all the information out there in clickbait, there is no one true technique that will work for everyone. There’s a huge variety of ways to approach different sex acts that will depend on arousal, mood and such.
That’s not to overwhelm you, more to reassure you that you did what you could with the information you had at the time and that’s all you could have done given you had no specific communication to help you understand what would work for her from her.
In terms of teaching and learning, there are sites and services like Beducated and OMGYes which are excellent resources for sex and relationship education. Material like this may also help you to understand what it is you like too.
First times have a near mythical status but they shouldn’t leave you feeling doomed that this how it will be. Like anything it’s about trying again to create new more positive experiences.
