Yeah it's a weird title.. they're hard to miss, right? That's what I'm told, at least.
I've never had an orgasm. I've had the right kind of stimulation, physically and mentally, and I've come damn close, but somehow I seem to block it at the very last moment. Sort of running full tilt off a cliff and then instead of falling, grabbing the edge with your fingers and climbing back up. I also tend to ease off on the stimulation at that point because it's all too much right that moment.
It'll feel great, I've even had (once or twice) tingling under my feet and a full-on bloodpressure headrush afterward, but it doesn't feel like a sharp peak or a feeling of release of tension... more like a fly-by of the peak and then a drop-off again. I don't really have muscle contractions. The tension I build up doesn't release, it just eases off again.
My partner applied a Hitachi magic wand to me a while ago and observed a few of those fly-by's in fairly rapid succession.. and wondered if I did come (even multiple times) but just didn't recognise it, and that has made me pretty insecure. And truth be told, if what I experience *is* an orgasm, then damn, that would disappoint me. Nice as it is, I was operating on the assumption that there is something more spectacular just out of reach.. the way other people talk about it sure seems to suggest that.
What makes me think I don't come fully is that the satisfaction feeling isn't there. It'll feel really good, and it can tire me out, but I never get to a happy 'enough now' physical feeling. The physical urge just stays around, and when we stop, slowly eases off again. This might sound weird but during these sessions the question 'do you want to stop' always brings on the realisation that I didn't quite get where I feel I was headed, and I don't really want to stop, but also know that at that point it probably isn't going to happen anymore due to tiredness/overstimulation. There's always this sort of physical disappointment feeling...
Anyway, not sure what I want from this. Maybe to know what other women think.. is it possible that I am having orgasms? Or is this a case of (what I've always believed) 'if you have one, you'll *know*'. Anyone have tips for a brain that just kicks in at the very last moment with 'wait! What are you doing? anything could happen! Must not lose control!' and such?
I'd guess that as long as what you're doing feels good, carry on doing it. The more you do, the more you learn about your body and what you like, I reckon that orgasms will eventually follow.
When I first started masturbating in my youthful explorations of myself, I never orgasmed either, I had sort of what you describe. The orgasms did happen after I became more experienced with what I enjoyed and how my body responded. I'd say keep at it, enjoy yourself, and you'll get there. :)
Err, yeah. That's what I have been doing for 12 years or so now - I'm late 20s, fairly experienced in what like and what my body likes. I've got the right stimulation down. There's just this mental block in the way...
Yeah, and I think it's being scared to completely let go, be out of control.
I also sometimes have the feeling I might fart (...or worse..) and that makes me stop things completely!
My main question was how to recognise an orgasm though - I'm feeling a bit insecure because my bf says it definitely looked like I had one (several in fact) and now I'm wondering if I have them (small ones) and just don't realise it...
What do you think might happen if you let go of control?
If you're concerned about farting or anything else, how about setting up a situation and trying to fart or whatever? If you really try to and can't, perhaps that may reassure you that you won't.
Besides which, I know for a fact that even if I need to pee and don't get up to go to the loo, I won't pee involuntarily. Sexual function is usually contrary to digestive function. I had a partner who used to fart a lot during sex, but since I celebrate wind, I just cheered every time it happened and we got on just fine. Eventually, he began to cheer when he farted too. :)
My experience of recognising an orgasm is that there really is no issue. When I had one, I knew! When you have one, you will know too. If you're not sure, my experience is that you didn't.
Can I be blunt? I think this is orgasm, but because we're told in the media that the world explodes and spins out of control blah blah blah we tend to expect too much of orgasms. I used to think (a waaaaaaaaaaaaaay long time ago when I was very young, I'm 26 now) that I didn't orgasm and then realised that the brief release of tension thing that I had was actually an orgasm. Some orgasms are never all that much TBH. However, now that I think of them as orgasms, I do feel they are more powerful. Almost like concentrating on them and getting more used to my body in time, they feel stronger though I'm not sure they are. Does that make sense?
Can I be blunt? I think this is orgasm, but because we're told in the media that the world explodes and spins out of control blah blah blah we tend to expect too much of orgasms. I used to think (a waaaaaaaaaaaaaay long time ago when I was very young, I'm 26 now) that I didn't orgasm and then realised that the brief release of tension thing that I had was actually an orgasm. Some orgasms are never all that much TBH. However, now that I think of them as orgasms, I do feel they are more powerful. Almost like concentrating on them and getting more used to my body in time, they feel stronger though I'm not sure they are. Does that make sense?
No, you can't be blunt. (kidding) :p
You made a really good point. It does take time to learn how to have better orgasms, and it does take time to recognise body responses and which bits to focus on and lots of stuff like that. I think you made a lot of sense.
Except for the asking about being blunt part, because I mean, why not just say your piece instead of asking if you can say your piece? :)
ps: Ok, I'm giving you a hard time, I admit it, I dunno what's the matter with me, maybe I'll be nicer after dinner. I live in hope. :)
Hmm. I just spent half an hour playing with the shower massager and felt some very nice things, but it was mostly a plateau. As if I was pushing against something that wouldn't *quite* give.
imeldaimelda, thanks for your input but I don't think that is the case for me.. I think I feel a physical sensation of not-quite-there. Like when you need to sneeze, and you almost-almost-almost get there, you take a deep breath.. and it's gone again.
(I just made that up but actually that is a really apt description of what it feels like!)
Sometimes softening a comment with a bit at the front works and helps ensure a comment is not taken negatively.
That's a great analogy Darth! I do get what you mean and it is quite different. I also experience that sometimes when I can't orgasm because I'm frustrated or my mind is elsewhere. I suppose you can at least get nearly there. You just need to find a way to tip you over the edge and that just requires more practice (yah!)
Sometimes softening a comment with a bit at the front works and helps ensure a comment is not taken negatively.
Yes indeed, an excellent point. :) I'm sorry I snarked at you. I was in a weird mood. Better now. :)
Oh, and I am absolutely sure I could do with some comment-softener myself! Maybe I can get some in a bottle (in the extra large, 30%-extra-free, economy size!). :p
Sometimes softening a comment with a bit at the front works and helps ensure a comment is not taken negatively.
Yes indeed, an excellent point. :) I'm sorry I snarked at you. I was in a weird mood. Better now. :)
Oh, and I am absolutely sure I could do with some comment-softener myself! Maybe I can get some in a bottle (in the extra large, 30%-extra-free, economy size!). :p
Let's go halves on a giant bottle of Comfort Comment Softener eh Lubyanka l'm just off to Costco now !!
I think that orgasms are so impossible to describe and so different every time.
The warm flooding feeling i get from penetrative sex is so different to the breath taking crescendo of clitoral stimulation. And often it is nice not to have to worry about the destination and just enjoy the journey!!
I never used to let go with other people and only orgasmed on my own. I always felt selfish if I was taking a long time to get there. It took a long time to convince myself that I was allowed to let someone focus on me.
Hmm, I think that my new partner may actually be too intent on making it happen... and that makes me (even more) selfconscious about climaxing. I think I'll see if I can get him to forget about it for a bit..
The thing is we're in a long distance relationship and so far have only seen eachother a long weekend in 6 weeks - that does tend to put a certain amount of mutual hyperfocus on the few times we have sex. Like it must be fantastic right then because we have so little time. If we had more time I think things might also be a bit less pressured..
I know what you mean, Darth. An attentive, enthusiastic lover is fantastic but sometimes can be a little intimidating when you want to please them. If you're feeling the pressure, I'd suggest turning your attentions to him when you need a break. I'm doing the long distance thing myself and although it's great for keeping things fresh and lustful, it does have its difficulties too. Keep practising in your own time maybe a little bit each day and then when you're confident, you can tie him down and show him how you like it?
Alternatively, you could just decide that you're not going to orgasm at all, even if you want to.
Enjoy the moments for what they are. Perhaps redirecting your focus might help you to enjoy the other stuff more, and then when it happens, it'll happen, no pressure. Just a thought.
Update: I think I got there! At least I have muscle contractions now. (thank you Hitachi!) Can't say the feeling itself is particularly different or more than I experienced before though...
I wonder if I'm having 'small' orgasms (and can in fact have several of those fairly close together) that are nice but not spectacular - and that the huge buildup I sometimes get could lead to a really *big* orgasm, but I don't quite get there yet. Because that buildup definitely seems to promise a lot more than the small orgasms seem to deliver..
I am still waiting for my first also and there is alot of text around making it the ultimate life changing experience. The desperation to finally have it is probably detrimental. Everywhere I read says u have to relax (frankie song relax...if u wanna cum). Easier said than done tho. Maybe a herbal relaxing pill would help? I'm getting the flushes and contractions n all the other signs but it doesn't feel like a release at all. So disappointing and quite annoying at every failed attempt. Oh yeah and the soles of my feet feel on fire literally. Not too nice :( oh also the heart beat thudding in my ear at breakneck speed. I gotta start chanting to myself or something to just enjoy the preset n not keep idolising the future ;)
It's funny because to orgasm you need to both be relaxed and excited so your muscles contract all over the place. I don't think you need any pills, just more time to experiment. I keep saying, but orgasms are NOT the earth-shattering thing they are portrayed as in films etc. Sometime syou get that but more often it's just a release of tension. The more build-up and turned on you get though, the stronger the orgasm so maybe spend more time on non-genital foreplay and teasing before you start touching genitals because you may feel different as a result. Also not getting hung up on orgasms will help, enjoy the process not the end result!