Reconnecting

[Justthetwoofus2007]

Hey all

Needing some advice, inspiration I guess.
We’ve been together 20 years, 15 years of rubbish sex, my fault, I didn’t disclose sexual trauma, so I withheld sex, as I was scared, and it bought back memories id buried deep.

I disclosed it all to him I’m guessing 7 years ish ago now, he got me counselling and we reconnected and had lots of fun exploring together, I felt like a kid in a toy shop and wanted to try everything at once, as I missed out on exploring when I was younger.

Sex was great, I gained confidence to trust with him, I even lost 7.5 stone.

I was desperate to get my body sorted, and wanted surgery to make me feel more attractive to him, obviously loosing 7.5 stone I had lots of loose skin.
So I decided to try web camming to make the money I needed to correct my excess skin.

Except, it tore us apart, he became a man I didn’t know, angry, aggressive, abusive and we had a few really bad times. I lost my trust, my faith in him.
He stopped drinking, I reduced my hours, and we agreed to try again.

My in laws found out about my camming, tried to blackmail us, outted me to our friends and family, and we lost everyone, then a forced house move on top, really took its toll.

So now we’re trying to reconnect sexually, and I’m struggling. There is no getting in the mood, it’s just he wants sex, I agree and I give him what he wants, and needs.

I’m not getting what I need, and he’s started to notice.

There is no getting me in the mood, turning me on, I’m expected to just be in the mood. He doesn’t do oral on me, it’s not his thing, he’s tried a few times, and it’s not for him. He also can’t use his fingers on me as he has nerve damage in both hands, and he can’t feel what he’s doing, so it’s not pleasant for me.

He’s also not keen on dildos, so we can’t use those either.

What happens is I go up alone, watch some porn and use my womanizer, he comes up when I’m done, and he has oral, hand job and then I ride him till he’s done.

I just feel like I’m missing out, and a bit lost on what to do to work thro it. I’m gonna 39 soon, so I know menopause will be knocking on the door soon, and he’s getting close to 50.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated x

[Davey123]

Seems like youre the only one trying…
Kind of sounds like you arent talking to each other about this.

[RacyRosalee]

I agree with @Davey123, you’re the only one making an effort.

He’s not taking the time to get you in the mood, and that’s causing a huge disconnect.

You’ve stated that he doesn’t like giving oral, can’t use his hands, and doesn’t like dildos, but what about if he used a vibrator on you? Or even your womanizer? There’s other options out there, he just needs to want to explore them.

Both of you definitely need to talk it out, because from the sounds of it, it’s causing you a lot of hurt. You need to be doing this for you, as well, not just for his wants and needs.

I really do hope things turn around for you

[Rhilee]

I agree with Davey. The only way to reconnect is through communication. I’ve read many of your previous posts so am somewhat aware of the issues you’ve had. From reading what you’ve posted, it seems to me that you’re willing and have opened your mind to other things but he isn’t prepared to do the same. Whether that’s because you’re both not communicating or it’s downright refusal on his part, only you know.

Sex is meant to be fun an enjoyable to both couples and it seems to me the balance is completely about his needs and wants at the moment.

You can’t reconnect if you’re trying to alone, you both need to be on the same page and be open and wanting to please each other too.

Good luck, I know you’ve had some really difficult times together and I hope you can get the fulfilment you deserve. Xx

[batjamboree]

This can be difficult and you don’t want to bring back those horrible memories when your partner is playing with you

You may just tell them what happened and then to avoid digging up those thoughts going forward

I knew a woman who was abused as a teenager and now will not do vaginal sex at all.

[Justthetwoofus2007]

He’s not the easiest to talk to, as he gets angry, and I’d rather avoid that.

We’ve explored a lot, and what I’ve learnt is he’s happy with hand job/ blow job and sex, nothing in between, no sexy underwear, toys, nothing other than that.

As I’m completely opposite, I need to feel sexy, desired, it’s the whole package for me.
I’m into alot more than he’s willing to do. He’s happy as it is.

He’s recently allowed me to play with my womanizer whilst he’s in the room, but I take 30-40 mins to finish, he’s usually snoring by then, I’ve tried to be quicker, but even on my own I take 30 mins, I know a lot is to do with my abuse, and this sounds horrible, but if I know it’s just the same boring stuff I can’t get in the mood. Do I just fake it for the rest of my time?

He won’t talk, he won’t see a counsellor or therapist, so I dunno what to do.

I enjoy his company, I love him like I always have, just the sex is just underwhelming

[Davey123]

Whats his background… His side of the family as well.

[steve19]

I think he needs to be more responsible, certainly oral is a two way thing if he wants a blow job he must be prepared to go down on you. I would not expect my wife to do anything I was not prepared to do to her. I sympathize with you but am unable to offer anything to change things unfortunately.

[Justthetwoofus2007]

Sexually he isn’t experienced, I was his first proper girlfriend, he had 2 women before me, one was his neighbour his mums best friend and another was a friend of his.

So not really anything before me.

He was 27 and I was 18 when we met, and pretty much been together since we first met.

His mum passed during covid, and we don’t speak with his side since she passed due to the blackmail about my camming.

[JoCat]

This just makes me sad.
He’s putting in no effort to make you feel desired and wanted.
It really sounds like theres no fun in it and he won’t even talk about it.
You say he won’t talk and gets angry when he does, are you afraid of him?

[Justthetwoofus2007]

Sometimes yes, he is working on it tho, he has a stressful job, long hours, heavy lifting, he has a few injuries from work, so he’s tired, grumpy

[Davey123]

Sorry… but if all youve said is the pure truth and there isnt another side to all this, then my opinion is to ‘get the fuck out’ and find someone nice to enjoy the rest of your life with… or even be on your own until you feel comfortable starting again.
Ive done it lots of times. Its hard at the time but when you look back you think ‘what the hell was i doing’… ‘living a lie’, ‘trying to flog a dead horse’… Im happy at last. Truly happy…
If you need a push… im sure everyone on LHF will support you.
If you want to stay and fight for it… im sure everyone on LHF will support you.
There are more people than you realise that have been in your situation… You are not alone… honest
My thoughts and feelings go out to you with many hearts behind them… what a head fuck you are going through.

[Justthetwoofus2007]

I get what you’re saying, but I think we’re just a bit lost right now.

It’s finding away to communicate with each other, he’s honestly not a monster, he is just set in his ways, he has low self esteem, and he’s had to deal with my camming, which I hardly do now, having men looking at me, paying me compliments, he struggled with.

[krzwis]

for it was sex board games or couples games that focused more on intimacy and expressing desires and wants and needs. Some of them can be really well paced and build up well.

having those open and awkward conversations about desires and our sexual curiosities also helped.

[JoCat]

I be grumpy too after a long day in work but that doesn’t mean I’m allowed to get angry at my partner. He needs to sort himself out before he walks through your door because that behaviour isn’t acceptable.

I’m really sorry you’re going through what you are, I know you’re isolated too and it might feel like your husband is all you’ve got but honestly if I was in your situation I would be planning on how to leave.
Anonymity on this forum is great but at times I wish there was an option to reach out to people bc I really feel like you could do with a friend.

[AJ82]

Leave.

You have abusive in laws.

Your husband sounds about as pleasant as a sandpaper dildo.

I never understand why people stay in situations like this with people this toxic.

[Mercyun]

You mustn’t blame yourself for the bad sex due to sexual trauma. It sounds like the counselling you had for that helped. Maybe you need to keep talking about having more counselling.
Love and hugs to you

[Justthetwoofus2007]

He’s honestly not toxic, we’ve have a tough couple of years, I stay because we have kids, and because we do both feel like there’s something worth fighting for.

[AJ82]

Sounds like Stockholm syndrome to me.

[mrssaffa]

@Justthetwoofus2007 firstly I just want to give you a hug.
And I respect you for wanting to sort things out. It sounds like you have both been through a lot together. With what I’ll say I will stay on that track because from what I’ve read that’s what you would prefer to do over leaving, and I can understand that, we are only glimpsing in to something only you and him know intricately so we can only ever offer advice based on what we know, you are the one with the history and connection. So take what I say with a grain of salt if you feel it does not apply and I apologise in advance if I’ve missed the mark anywhere.

Would you consider the possibility that he still holds some resentment towards the webcamming? I understand why you wanted to do it, and I hold no judgement I am only saying this based off what you said…but it sounds like his response to it at the time was not positive and those emotions could run quite deep and not be fully resolved, even if you think they have.
I’m not defending his actions but if there is resentment still there under the surface, I can see how that may affect how he views sex with you.
For example, If I step in to his shoes and picture this as if it were my partner, I would probably battle feelings of inadequacy, that they get all the attention online and what I give is not enough so why bother trying, that I loved them with the 7.5 stone on, and now that it’s gone and they feel sexier, that is being given to those online and not 100% to me, even though I’ve loved them the whole time, and even though I know they are doing it for the money.
Those emotions would war with the fact I would want to support them and their decisions, and understand why they are doing it so putting those emotions I have aside, but emotions are LOUD. That kind of war in the mind would be taxing.
Add in to that family dramas, to be honest, despite efforts to not be resentful, I think it would be hard to avoid.
To reiterate I am not judging or placing blame at all, but just looking at the other perspective, which could be way off! But maybe it’s worth considering that person he became at the height of your camming is still someone he’s struggling to quieten in his mind, and more work could be done to heal.

Regarding the not turning you on, from what I’ve read you’ve said it does sound like he is inexperienced but that is so easily fixed, it’s that he doesn’t want to try anything else that is the concern, and that could tie in with the above. Resentful people do not want to offer more.
There is also the less than accepted topic that some people just don’t like doing certain things. Using oral for example, my OH also does not do oral on me either.
For him it’s related to a past experience with someone who objectified him (in a very negative way) so certain things trigger him. I don’t know more about what happened because even talking about it locks him up and he can’t say more, even to me, even though he wants to.
The difference is, he wants to work at it, and has told me that he would never expect me to go down on him, so I only do when I really want to, and he knows it’s fully my choice.
Most of the time I don’t, so he doesn’t think I expect it back from him, which is pressure for him.
He has agreed to go to a sex therapist with me (which surprised me at first) and more than makes up for it with other things, so I don’t necessarily feel like I’m missing out, but it is something I would like ti experience with him. But more than that, I just want healing for him, even if it doesn’t result in the experience of oral… my point is… at first it was “he doesn’t do oral” but it’s about working back and looking at why.

For you, maybe he just doesn’t like it, and that’s totally fine, but why not make up for it in other ways? He is experienced enough now to know how the female body works now at his age, being inexperienced is no longer an excuse he can use. My opinion is that there’s an undercurrent of Something that makes it difficult for him to connect. Not just you. Maybe you’re picking up on that energy.
The fact he does not want to use toys either says to me that it could all be connected to the feelings of inadequacy that he might be still struggling with.
He may not want to go to therapy because in his head he may feel like none of this happened because of him.
He does not sound like a selfish person, he’s stuck around through his whole family turning against you, and you have stuck around him for a reason.
Again, I said none of this to make you feel bad or anything if the sort, more to rewind back and look at how some of this could be looking from his perspective, to help hopefully you figure out what your next steps are.
Again, a big hug because this sounds really hard to navigate.