I have now on a couple of occasions stumbled accross the type of porn my partner watches, not through any particular intentional snooping but just through her failing to close down tabs on a shared device or simply seeing it in history when using the same sites etf, what she tends to watch often involves the women being tied up and or dominated but nothing overly hardcore
Obviously I know porn is often a very unrealistic view on sex and I wouldn’t go for an exact copy of what she’s watched but use similar themes but do think it would be someone exciting for the both of us if indeed this were to be something she’d like to but I think would feel hotter and spontaneous were it to be done without a prior talk and as a surprise
It’s no secret that we each watch porn when not in each others company but haven’t ever really discussed what we watch so it did come as a surprise for me as she’s certainly the more assertive extrovert in the relationship so surprised to see her into females being dominated but having seen it a few times now it definitely seems to be her preferred genre to watch
Our own sex life is pretty vanilla mostly, I’m very open to the possibility of exploring new things but am also content with how it is as long as it’s frequent enough, whilst tying up/dominating was never on my own bucket list I’d be excited to do it if it was something that worked for her
As I say I’d prefer to do it out of the blue than orchestrate it so overall I’d guess I’d say from the good people’s experience, when you watch porn is it usually something you’d like to do yourself, I know for me the vast majority of porn I watch involves the woman wearing stockings and that’s exactly what I like to see in the bedroom so does everyone go for things they’d like to try or do some go for an escape from reality they’d never actually try themselves to avoid a spontaneous attempt turning out a disaster!
Just because someone watches something in porn, it doesn’t mean they want to do that thing. There are several of my porn choices I find super hot but would never do. Plus, how do you know she wants to be dominated? Maybe she wants to be the one dominating a woman?
Bdsm needs conversation to go right, otherwise it borders on assault. Please talk to her first. Put yourself in her shoes, even if she is curious, walking in to a room you’ve converted into a mini dungeon could be terrifying
I know it wasn’t the question asked but I thought it needed to be mentioned.
I’d personally definitely advise you not to do it out of the blue consent is everything with sex in general but especially with BDSM. It is vita you talk to your play partner and establish boundaries safe words etc before any play takes place. I know it may sound like I’m killing the spontaneous vibe by saying it but there are so many safety elements to consider for both of you.
To answer the question:
Personally I haven’t watched porn in a long time to tell you the truth. I was never a fan of the unrealistic parts of it and as a queer person it was really hard to find ethical porn that showcased actual queer actors.
Not to say that I have any judgement against anyone who does watch it it’s whatever floats your boat.
My partner did recently show me one of their favourite porn videos which was of the schoolgirl and headmaster category so we had a really interesting chat about it and decided one day I might look into getting a cheeky schoolgirl outfit and doing a bit of role play.
I’m not meaning to come across in the wrong way just trying to give some helpful advice I hope it helps
No thank you both for helpful responses and these sort of thoughts are exactly why I felt the need to ask the question rather than just do anything to canvass thoughts
To clarify there would certainly be no sort of BDSM dungeon in mind just my thoughts were to start very light and just some small ropes and easy to reverse out from but yes absolutely the consent is a big factor
Personally, what I watch is not what I would want to do in real life, so I wouldn’t assume that she’s going to want to be tied up just because that’s what she watches in porn.
I know you would rather be spontaneous but I think a conversation first would be more sensible and you can find out what she would actually like. I enjoy watching quite rough BDSM porn but I wouldn’t actually want to be the receiver in those scenes. I would, however like to watch if I ever got the opportunity
That being said, I don’t think there would be any harm in buying a soft blindfold and padded cuffs, maybe some massage oil and a feather tickler as a surprise and then asking if she’d like you to massage her while she is blindfolded / restrained but definitely ask her first! Of course, she might say no which you would have to accept. You need to be very clear when you discuss this how far you both want to go and have a safe word for her to use if she feels uncomfortable. Even if it’s very light bondage, she will still be in a position of vulnerability so communication is really important. You know your partner better than anyone else so only you can decide what to do.
Yes thank you I would say your pretty spot on here, bring the lighter stuff as a potential surprise is something I consider and then obviously check it’s okay before doing anything, the potential excites me but more the fact of if she is into it rather than because it’s something I want to do
There certainly wouldn’t be anything majorly rough or that could cause pain as that’s something that I myself would find pretty off putting I would just be thinking a bit of tie up and take control roleplay sort of thing but obviously all those who have responded so far make complete sense and I think maybe to bring it up more casually sometime and if can get a good sense it would be welcomed then look to bring it at a later date to have a bit of pleasant surprise
I’m so glad this forum exists so that we’re able to tell you that you should not rock up some day without consent and restrain your partner! Absolutely not.
Wanting your partner to wear stockings is so different than restraining them without consent or discussion.
I watch porn with body bits being nailed to boards and extreme whipping and if my partner came anywhere near me with a hammer, I’d be calling the police!
To go from a vanilla sex life to this is too big a jump.
You need to discuss everything with your partner, you both need to consent to it, if your partner wants to do it, you need to discuss how each of you want it to go. Your interpretation and theirs could be vastly different. And you need to decide on a safeword and actually stop everything if its used. Communication matters.
As others have stated, most importantly remember consent is key! It is very possible to plan BDSM play and have a plan, but still ways you can make it feel spontaneous and exciting!
Personally I would start off by talking about it with your partner, and remember to bring it up in a way that won’t make them feel embarrassed or ashamed of what porn they watch! Begin to discuss the different styles of porn you both watch and talk about things you’d like to try with/to each other.
A good way to dip your toes in the water is also to watch the porn together! See what both of you like from different styles and and build off the ideas. Educate yourself on how to properly do things such as bondage or impact play to insure you won’t cause unintentional harm. Starting small and working your way up is always best!
Im just going to reiterate that nothing BDSM should be sprung upon someone, whether it be a bit of light restraint and slap on the or hardcore ‘dungeon’ play as tou described it. To be fair, even vanilla sex should be discussed. Ther are certain things that are classed as vanilla that i wont do and my husband knows that because we have talked about it more or less from day 1.
We delve into BDSM and other than a few things that have been pre approved to be used in our more vanilla sessions, we discuss everything. It doesnt have to be a huge discussion with powerpoint presentations but a chat to see if she would be willing to be restrained or lightly flogged, or even blindfolded. You dont know if something like that could trigger her or distress her.
Just because she watches it doesnt mean she wants to experience it.
