Now we’re all sitting here with this crazy image in our heads 
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I’d stick it somewhere in the middle. 
You can use the other star boxes (and the text) to give a clearer picture. 
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I wouldn’t worry too much. The words are much more important, so I’d match the overall star rating to the overall gist of the review.
My basic 1 → 5 is:
1 - It was crap
3 - Mixed bag
5 - It pretty much matched the sales pitch
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I agree with @Ian_Chimp
You should still rate it fairly on how it worked for you.
The most important thing is explaining the positives and negatives that you experienced
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For me it’s usually:
5 - Diving into bed with it!
4 - Has some notable issues, but still good.
3 - Meh. So-so. I can take it or leave it.
2 - Dreading going to bed with it again, but still has a few glimmers of hope.
1 - Bin worthy! Hall of shame! Booo! Hisss!
It’s a shame we can’t use the half stars anymore as they were helpful when something wasn’t quite a 5 or a 4, for example.
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I liked them too, though I think they were more comforting to the reviewer than the reader (eg. 3/5 feels low and stingy, but 7/10 seems quite reasonable). But when reading reviews I don’t think those half points have ever swayed me.
There’s so much variety in why someone has come up with their particular star rating that it makes it a bit of a vague metric to rely on. The detail in the explanation is the real treasure.
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True to a certain extent.
If an item only has 2 stars, then I probably would scroll right past it and find something else before even looking at the reviews.
But I agree that the information in the review is the most important.
I saw a review a while ago that was only 3 stars yet, in the write up it said everything about the item was great 
so that’s a bit of mixed signals
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They’re the ones I read first. Especially if it’s something expensive or swish.
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Same. I wanna read the dirt 
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dirty girl 
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Reviewer: “This is garbage! Not worth the money! Hated it with every fiber of my being!”
Me: “Yes! Yes! Tell me more! Spill it!” 
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Reviewer (me): “loved it in my .*ss, on my d.*ck, so pretty”
@Mint-Monster You: 
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I always read the bad ones first too. Good gauge of what people dont like about it (also amusing).
Always struggle to review something i didnt get on with too. Had a few items (most notably the desire pebble vibe) where the vibrations did nothing for me. Not the fault of the vibe (i really really liked the pebble one, was so sad it was numbing. 
. One of those vibes i had a “is it actually on?” Moment with.)
Tend to shove the review in the middle and then talk about its pros and coms and how the vibes just didnt work for me personallyy
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Oh, I’m the opposite. I find it easier to talk about the issues. Hard for me to leave the Cons box empty 
. Even if I don’t find it an issue, it could be for someone else? For example, I loved my leopard print thong but my partner hates that pattern. Pro for me and con for him type of thing. No points deducted, but it was worth a mention I guess.
In my actual job, I’m like a truffle pig that finds faults and flaws so I probably come across as a bit nit-picky in my reviews because I’m used to doing that all day, haha.
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I find reviews much easier when I have something to say. Whether it’s positive or negative, that first thing that stands out the most seems to unlock the rest of it for me.
I’ve been tempted to create a review template that includes all the ‘sections’ that would be worth commenting on (sort of like the Feedback form for some of the secret testers), but it feels too clinical, and I end up sounding quite ‘samey’.
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If the issue is something like fiddly controls, vibe travelling into hand, loud, tricky to hold, i havent an issue putting those in a review. When i read reviews i want to know what people hated about a toy, helps me work out whether its for me or not. But if its that the vibrations diddnt work for me, i always struggle 
what i hate vibe wise, others may think is amazing. perfect example, new tango. For me it is meh. Take it or leave it. Everyone else raves about the things
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I try and describe the vibe frequency/strength/how deep it travels, that sort of thing. That way people can decide if it’s their kind of ‘thrum’.
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That could be helpful. The other star ratings in each review also come in handy (noise, orgasm rating, etc). I always forget to mention my size in lingerie reviews even though I find that information essential in others. Doh!
I have the original Tango and I didn’t understand all the hype either. Good but not amazing for me. Having a large collection to compare to can also affect how you score future toys. I didn’t enjoy it as much as another bullet, so gave it a lower score. However, you’re right. Something I’m not into may make someone else’s day.
Oh, thank goodness i thought it was just me
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Mrs Chimp didn’t like the Tango either for the longest time. She didn’t get on with the hardness of the plastic and the power. It was just too much. She much preferred the softer silicone skins of her other bullets.
Saying that, she loves it now. We revisited it a couple of times during our Vibrator Maintenance Day refresh and worked out that it was better holding it with much less pressure (I think Mrs Chimp can be quite heavy-handed with her toys). So now it lives in the bedside drawer, and has knocked the Desire off the top bullet spot.
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