Selfish, me or him?

Bare with me first time posting.

I have been with my partner 14 years (we are both 40) & I love him so much, I would even go as far as to say I’m addicted to him (unhealthy, I know).
However the last 2 years have been hell, in November 22 I was diagnosed with cervical cancer & in the December 22 he was diagnosed with type 2 diabetes.
Our sex life became non existent for 9 months while I had to heal from 2 major surgeries. I got the all clear December 23.
He’s on medication to get his diabetes under control along side this he takes medication to help with erectile disfunction caused by his diabetes which I understand is hard for him as our sex drives are so mismatched (mine is extremely high).
In the last 6 months we have only had sex about 7 times, I am understanding with his condition however I have always been the one to compromised but he rarely meets me in the middle so I end up going without & have to please myself when he’s not around.

I have tried getting him in the mood with all the classics tricks but if he doesn’t get hard then I get nothing.
He says he loves me but even when I try to kiss him passionately I get nothing back & he will say ‘eww’ & wipe his mouth if I try & use my tongue.
I am craving his touch so much & every time he rejects me it hurts more & more all I want is to feel his love.
I can go without sex if I have foreplay & the intimacy of being close with him however he doesn’t seem willing to give it if there’s nothing in it for him.
Talking to him is a battle as the ‘sex’ topic makes him feel uncomfortable.

Am I being selfish for wanting my pleasure?


Definitely not selfish, we are all different and have to deal with different sex drives. I’m definitely more needy as far as pleasure is concerned than my mrs, especially since the menopause hit. I just look after myself when I need to and when she’s up for it it’s wonderful. We do lots of other things apart from full sex such as mutual masturbation, that can be fab too. Never feel selfish or guilty for wanting pleasure​:smiley:

Definitely not, you are understanding and willing to compromise, but it is not being reciprocated.

He might be ashamed of not being able to perform, us men are very sensitive about things like that, but he could pleasure you in many ways and it doesn’t really excuse the lack of intimacy.

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I think its worth having a conversation with him about seeing the Dr just to double check his testosterone levels are where they are supposed to be. If this particular blood test has not already been done it is well worth asking for.

I suspect that his ED is causing him anxiety and perhaps his ego has taken a knock. Testosterone gel could help him.

The meds he’s on to help is tadalafil.
He’s spoken to the doctor before to up the dosage but due to his blood pressure being abit high they said no.

It’s not selfish to want it but that doesn’t mean he is the selfish one either. If it’s intimacy you are craving, you won’t get it by pushing him to go through the motions.

It’s changed a lot recently, but a lot of the traditional messages around sex basically make the penis the centre of it. If that’s the messaging he has had growing up, he might not be able to see a way to have sexual intimacy without sticking his erect penis inside you. If you want to get the intimacy back, you need to talk to him and reassure him that you aren’t looking for penetrative sex. That you just want to make out, cuddle, slowly progress to heavy petting. Help him find ways of getting pleasure from it too. Yes, for most of his life he has probably got pleasure from his penis, but it isn’t the only place.


Thanks for your words.
We used to have lots of intimacy without penetrative sex.
It’s s only been the last 2 years, since we had to step back from the sex due to the cancer.
The intimacy has become less & less to now being basically non existent.
I have tried raising how I feel with him but he always manages to change the subject as he feels uncomfortable talking about it.
It’s getting to the point that I feel like I’m begging & then when he rejects me I get depressed & there’s so much tension that we struggle to communicate at all.

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Approaching my partner this way has worked for us and on occasion he hasn’t needed to take the little blue pill :blue_heart:

Type 2 diabetes can be reversed. How active is your husband and how is his physical shape. Sometimes being more active, getting into better physical shape will make him feel better physically and mentally. Not trying to assume he is not but I have family that has and has had type 2 diabetes and seen the change in the ones who took a bigger step and role in reversing this with diet and exercise. More confident and vibrant.

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He is over weight & is trying to sort this out, he will occasionally go for a walk but overall he could up his activities but again when I address this he says “i know” & that I’m nagging & changes the subject. :roll_eyes:

What about him performing oral on you?

The only thing he’s still doing at the moment is spooning in bed but that’s just how we fall asleep

I’m glad things have gone well regarding your cancer and it sounds like your partner is getting the diabetes under control. The difference in sex drives is not unusual and trying to discuss both your needs would be good if at all possible. Neither of you are being selfish. Could the medication be effecting him? Good luck and try to communicate. :smiling_face_with_three_hearts:

So sorry to hear what you have been through and I hope that things for you health wise are now improving.

I have a couple of suggestions/ observations.

Do you think that your treatment may have affected the way he treats you? By this I mean that he had to watch you go through with your treatment. He maybe worried about your health and possibly thinks that you are now fragile so he is holding back not wanting to put pressure on you.

Are you certain he is taking the ED drug as I think it only has a short effective time window.?

Is he depressed regarding his type 2 diabetes? Depression can lower his sex drive.

I would recommend talking together to try to understand each other and where you are. This may help or ultimately you could try counselling but I think that this step must be taken with mutual agreement.

I hope what I’ve written makes sense and is helpful.


Some great suggestions from @Love_Stud_Too


Calie raises a good point. Maybe he is typical man, like me and thinks a snog is going to lead to a bit of fun then leading to sex. He might be protecting himself by pushing you away.

It’s alway tricky compromising and if compromise leads to broken compromise promises gaps can form in confidence, trust and how you communicate. Is it worth trying some non sex fun? Or suggesting something you seen on the internet or read in a book?

We do spend a lot of time together as both him & myself do not really have any friends so it’s just me & him against the world, that’s probably why I’m so hurt by his rejections.

I know I need to work on myself as I have big attachment issues.

Sorry I meant sexy fun without penetration. Take the pressure off of penetration and remap the mind that sexy stuff can be one way (for kinks and giggles) and not lead to sex

I can’t think of any ideas right now other than oral only Sunday :rofl:.

That’s what’s I’ve been trying to communicate with him.

With regards to the kissing reaction he has it is possible it could be linked to a side effect of diabetes medication. Some of them can change your sense of taste. Possibly worth looking at the leaflet in the medication box and see if that is listed in the possible side effects and if so consider speaking to a GP.

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