Sex is hurting

Any advice, folks?
Also hoping that anyone else enjoying midlife sex might find something helpful here…

I went through an early menopause and one of the first signs was painful sex - it felt like I didn’t stretch enough. I read up vaginal atrophy (lovely term!) and my GP suggested Vagifem (vaginal oestrogen suppositories). I also got myself set up with oral HRT, better lube and a bullet vibe and in time my libido came bouncing back.

However, I’m recently finding that sex is hurting - however gentle we are - and I’m sore the next day if we carry on. We’ve always enjoyed long and varied sessions, so it isn’t a matter of not enough foreplay. It is the PIV part which is tricky, and while that isn’t essential it is bonding.

The only thing which has changed is that I haven’t used any penetrative toys during lockdown - just a quiet bullet and regular but reduced sex with OH. Reasons vary from anxiety around having a shielding child and the fact that our family of 5, like so many others, has had to stay hemmed in at home. Not as much chance for solo play or sex.

I have ordered a slimline glass dildo to try to coax my body back into co-operating.
I have enough toys, lingerie and lube to sink a ship.
Any ideas?

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It sounds like it could be down to ‘out of practice’. Could you add a 15 minute workout to your daily schedule, and see if that helps? (something simple, alone in the bedroom/bathroom. Not a masturbation/sex session :slightly_smiling_face:)

Maybe even some kegel balls?

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@Ian_Chimp A workout doesn’t sound as much fun as a solo session, but I think I’ll give it a go.

If it is that, then it is surprising how fast ‘use it or lose it’ kicks in… I’ll start doing crosswords to keep the grey cells going too :joy:

I also thought of kegels for some reason…


@GoGirl12 I’ll have a look at that lube - thanks. My ‘go to’ is Sliquid Natural Gel, which is quite thick:
Sliquid Natural Gel

Sore around vaginal opening and inwards for a couple of inches.

When you say, it felt like you didn’t stretch enough post menopause, do you mean just the entrance or throughout and is the pain that continues the next day entrance or internal?

Sometimes I find sex painful since having some cervix removed after a bad smear test when he goes too deep and hits the cervix. It’s a couple of years on so rather annoying as I thought it would get better but too deep is just a “no go” now.

ETA Sorry, you answered my question above. May not be the most fun you can have with toys but I think @Ian_Chimp has the best advice.


@GoGirl12 thanks for the tip re washing. I remember being bathed in bicarb as a child after swimming, because I used to get cystitis.
I do try to stick to natural and PH balanced products.
I don’t need condoms now (yay!) but when I did I quickly realised I had a latex sensitivity, so switched to latex free - I always check for that in toys too.

Glad you are ok now. I’m going to check out other lubes :+1:

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Hi there.
During menopause it felt like an elastic band tight around the opening. Penetration wasn’t possible until I tried the things I mentioned.
It isn’t the same sensation now. I can have sex but it is sore, and the next day I feel it around the opening and just inside. Areas further up are fine. In fact, that little bit of irritation makes me want g-spot stimulation… when that glass dildo arrives it will be put to good use.

Sympathies for the cervical issues. I had some changed cells removed soon after meeting OH - about 17 yrs ago. It will feel better as your body forgets the trauma, but I hope it doesn’t affect things too much in the meantime.

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@MsR I’ve found myself familiar with that feeling. I’m having to use industrial amounts of lube! Mine even occurs after solo sessions with toys if I let the lube dry out too much…something that can happen quite quickly with silicone dildos .
You’re right as regards ‘use it or lose it’ When there’s a reduction in penetration on a regular basis it’s kind of like your vagina tightens up…and not in a good way. I too really dislike the term ‘vaginal atrophy’ it makes it seem like there’s something wrong with you when in fact menopause is a natural event!
One thing that seems to work for me is using my glass dildo with coconut oil as it doesn’t dry out and I don’t get the sore stinging feeling the next day .
Kegel balls are great too as they kind of keep things moist in there and obviously increase the blood flow when you’re squeezing round them which is good for the vaginal tissue.

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My OH had to have a hysterectomy in her mid-30’s and everything was fine until she was taken off HRT a couple of years ago. The doctor prescribed various daily washes, moisturising ointments and pessaries that have done the trick, but it has taken a while to get the elasticity back, so yes there is a bit of use it or lose it involved. Also as @wildflower said lube, lube lube! So please see your doctor, they can help.

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Thank you.

Some good advice given above and it does sound like a good argument that we must all continue to use what’s there when possible to keep everything ship shape! I wish you very good times with your new glass.

…I do wonder with porn sometimes though, just how!!! I definitely couldn’t take what some of them do! :rofl:

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VR will have some good advice. I’ll invite her. :+1:


@wildflower so reassuring that you can relate to this!

I thought we were using lots of lube, but that’s based on the past - maybe we need a tub loads of it now.

I defo need to carve out some solo time - for my sanity as well as for keeping the cogs turning.

That’s a good description of a vagina tightening up but not in a good way.
I absolutely agree that we shouldn’t see it as something ‘wrong’. My skinny frame has given birth to, and breastfed, 3 kids - I think it wants a bit of TLC now :rofl:

I have some coconut butter rather than oil - also shea butter, I don’t know if that is worth a try?

And kegel balls - yes. Will have a look on the site over the weekend.
I have tried them before, but they just fell out - that might be a symptom of the problem! OH needs to thrust quite hard to finish, and there is no chance of that at the moment, so I think kegel balls might help there, too. Otherwise he gets used to stronger grip and we all go round in circles…

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I had a hysterectomy nearly seven years ago , I didn’t go on HRT as I kept my ovaries but at 57 I’m in no doubt they’ve finally packed in!
I thought I could handle all the issues menopause throws but that sore stinging is miserable isn’t it?
I don’t know about shea butter, I haven’t used it so I wouldn’t like to say but the coconut oil is extra virgin organic coconut. If your kegel balls fell out they were most likely too small or heavy. Try going larger and lighter, the lightest possible weight to start with and once you can keep those in comfortably for a few hours at a time then go on to the next level. It can take a while but there are definite benefits to be had for persevering.
Hope you find a solution soon @MsR :hugs:


Thanks for posting and understanding - good description.
It’s a journey and I was hoping I’d got to the end of it.
I’m sorry for your experiences. We really do deserve to enjoy our bodies and our lives!
I’ll keep trying out lubes and body butters.

The teens are cooking a family meal tonight (they needed something to do), then a peruse on the Lovehoney site for kegels. Large and light - got it x

Thank you, again.


I’m thinking of trying this:
Single Kegel Ball
It’s the largest and lightest I can find.

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A quick one to highlight a comical aspect…my OH was giving her best friend a lift in her car, they were both hot flushing so much they steamed the windows up and had to put the air con on full to clear them!


@MsR yes that one looks good with lots of positive reviews too.

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Haha don’t get me started on the hot flushes! My OH jokes that getting into bed with me is like climbing into a furnace! :hot_face: I just hope he appreciates my heat when winter comes around!


some people find that ovestin cream applied to the tight bits can help, as well as the vagifrm internally. I find the site of my previous episiotomy can tear a tiny bit, if I’m not careful.

I think the glass dildo/kegel balls will help. I got the je joue ami set and also downloaded the ‘squeezy’ app from the NHS

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@MsR That was the first Kegel Ball Mrs onlyones tried,if i remember correctly she liked it because it was not too heavy and was also a reasonable size so she did not have to work too hard to start with.