Hi sorry if this has been brought up before. My situation been with my wife now 12 years we used to be quite passionate but after having our first child things slowed down ok it happens, we decided wanted a second child age gap 4 years. Pregnancy obviously nothing happend sex wise and now my daughter is 2 we have still not had sex I’m really feeling disheartened as yes I want to have sex again with my wife but more I want to reconnect with her intimately I tell her how I feel but I get a sigh or a try and talk about the subject I get not this topic again or we’re talking about that again are we, we never talk about it I bring up the subject and she dismisses it. In the time of pregnancy and having our 2nd child I may have received 2 handy j’s and 1 bj. I am not trying to bad mouth my wife I just don’t know how to reconnect any more as I can’t bring up the subject, she knows how I feel. Most night we sit on sofa watching tv when the kids go to bed but sit on different sofa across the room unless we’re sharing a snack. I try and give her massages which she loves and I love giving them to her but I never get anything back in return. I just don’t know what to do advice anyone please
Thank you
It’s a hard one. Kids makes everyone so mental and physically exhausted that I understand why they can cause a dead bedroom situation. Add into all the hormone changes during pregnancy and breast feeding. Then there’s the pressure of the whole thing when it has been a long time that it builds it up so much and adds extra pressure onto something that should be fun.
It sounds like you’re being patient and have tried the sensible solution of talking to her without much success, so maybe something like writing her a letter explaining how you feel could take the edge off of her feeling like you’re putting her on the spot?
It sounds like you are doing all of the right things, being supportive and patient and understanding. Children change the dynamics of a relationship there is no doubt about that.
Could I suggest that if you have the support of family who could babysit and potentially have the children overnight, that you reconnect on a fun level, doing activities you did before having kids, going out for a meal, or to cinema or theatre or dancing, some activity which you both enjoy and what brought you together. If you wife feels more than just a mum, and I do not mean that with any disrespect to mums, but she feels desired again, then perhaps over time it will lead to a pick up in your sex lives. An overnight stay in a hotel with spa might be just the thing to reignite the sexual spark.
Its a tough one as every woman feels and copes differently after pregnancy and child birth , i agree with a lot of points from above . After our 2nd child we went without sex for 5 years (sure you dont want to hear that though) i had post natal depression which i did nothing about . I did feel under pressure to satisfy him even though i had no interest and the longer it went on the more pressure i felt . Any moment alone i assumed he would want sex so i distanced myself even more .
You are doing the right things thats for sure , i loved it when my husband gave me a massage but i never did anything back .
As above i suggest something you like doing together with no plans for anything sexual , have fun or try something new together that you both fancy , doesnt have to be a fancy night out or an expensive meal , believe me when our children were small him coming home from work with unplanned fish and chips was pure joy !!
My OH said it wasnt the actual sex he wanted but just the closeness and connection .
We did get through it and still 20+ years later i still feel a bit guilty about ignoring him for so long.
She wont be doing it on purpose and probably misses it as much as you do but its just not a priority . Keep on with the massages and simple things like hand holding and never stop kissing when you say goodbye or goodnight .
Maybe suggest she goes out with friends or family whilst you look after the children so she isnt being a mum or a wife for a few hours .
Post natal depression doesnt always happen straight away so it could be a factor or fear of another pregnancy if either of hers have been difficult .
Maybe treat yourself to a (secret) toy so you can get satisfaction i know its not the same but if you arent sexually frustrated it might make things easier for you .
Hang on in there it will get better .
Good luck
We have a 2yr old and a 5 week old. They’re both generally well behaved but when the 2yr old goes to bed the newborn wakes up for 4hrs!
We bought a large order off Lovehoney to keep things going and although we can’t have sex yet we’ve still been playing as much as we can. Even if the teasing in the day gets ruined by a very awake baby.
We’ve booked a dirty night away in Feb and generally have non children time now and again and is always worthwhile and we don’t feel guilty as the adults need time to.
Sounds like it’s been tough and sexually frustrating for you. It isn’t that uncommon for sexual urges to change when a lady gives birth as her hormones go into maternal mum mode which often means the dad gets neglected. Is it a possibility she’s feeling self conscious about her after birth body in how it now looks?
I’d suggest somehow to try figure out what’s on her mind and why she’s not feeling like reconnecting on a sexual level as yet…
It took me a long time after my first baby to desire sex. Much of it was hormonal, some fear as I really didn’t want to get pregnant again and some because I felt so undesirable and disgusting in my own skin.
Mentally I had to make myself have sex, I loved my partner and wanted him to be happy, but didn’t get much pleasure because of my head space for quite a long time. Nothing he was doing wrong and he always made me feel wanted. The more you have sex the more you want it.
Work on the mental game, this starts waaaay before the bedroom. This is helping with the load at home, how you behave with the kids, a kiss and a hug when you get home,cuddling with no pressure for sex, looking in her eye and telling her she is beautiful, arranging time alone.
It will come, keep communicating and create space for you as a couple.
Thank you to everyone that replied to my question. At times I’ve felt selfish for thinking about myself, other times does my wife love me anymore as she doesn’t want to get physical and I see the kids hugging her and I miss that connection. I really know it’s work life family end of day we’re both tired. I have tried to get my wife to go out on a date night we have a couple of family members to ask we went on one about a year ago just for meal but ended up talking about the kids most of time and came home early she felt guilty for being out. We have never been away over night she feels too guilty and worries the kids will be too upset for her to be out and relax. Thank you everyone it has helped knowing it wasn’t just me and will try to convince my wife to have w night out on her own or a date night meal just the 2 of us or even better over night maybe just book that way she can’t refuse.
It will get better. If you have some quiet time snuggled up, no pressure tell her how you feel.
Also talk to her about the need to relieve the frustration, that if you do that you are thinking of her and no one else.
That’s great you kept your intimacy going even though you r just had a Baby. Congratulations btw, even after our first we had a dry spell but this is just longer had moments where wasn’t sure if my wife still loves loved me but sure this is me just feeling down and don’t want to seem selfish just long to be close again it is the connection I’ve lost not just the lack sex I miss.
Thank you for your reply
Thank you for your pov coming from another woman it does help hearing from your side. Lime I said i sometimes feel selfish for feeling like this or wonder if she still had feeling for me. But I’m sore this is not true just how I’m currently feeling.
I hope to spoil her by taking her out like others have suggested but she feels guilty leaving the kids even with family and especially over night but may just have to surprise her with an overnight trip not to far away from kids in case she wants to get back but put no pressure to be Intimate.
Thank you.
Good post @Googley_Bear - sounds like you’re doing all the right things. Maybe just try and explain it’s starting to upset you - but difficult to know what else is going on in your lives (e.g if there’s a major traumatic event going on in the background obviously would be bad to raise it then). I’m sure you are but I’d just make sure you’re being the best partner / father you can be before you raise it as obviously if she’s running around after you and the kids she’s probably not in the mood for sex (sure that’s not the case).
I’m in a similar boat. We have a 5 month old and we’ve had no action really since birth. It’s a magical (and exhausting) time but I do miss the evenings of play between us. No relatives near by to really help out so the idea of having a few hours to ourselves feels a long way away. We do talk about it though so it’s not an elephant in the room.
It happens to us all, but 2 years post birth is a long time.
(I am going to preface the rest of this reply by saying that in the absence of any information to the contrary, I am assuming there’s not post natal depression, major medical issues, massive trauma etc.)
After our last one we were getting on for a year post birth before we got back to any form of intimacy, heck we were 6 months in different beds. It was certainly 18 months - 2 years before anything that could be considered a decent sex life began to re emerge. For a whole host of reasons the 6-9 months post birth of both my kids were the two worst times of my life. I know that’s not the done thing to admit but I hated every second of it.
For us it was a lack of time together combined with us both having busy, pressured jobs (especially wifes’ job). She needed to go back after 9 months which was also tough on her but she’s not in the kind of job you can take extended leave and then jump right back in.
However, we talked. We have always talked and it’s always been the main pillar of strength in our marriage. There’s nothing you can’t overcome if you talk.
You seem to have been quite patient up to now, and there’s obviously no way you can (or should) expect your wife to jump right back in to a full on sex life if she isn’t ready. However, in the context of a loving happy marriage she does owe it to you to talk and I think it’s a bit unreasonable / unfair of her to keep shutting it down.
Don’t want to resume sex yet? Fine no pressure , but she absolutely owes it to you to talk to you about it.
I think a lot of sex dysfunction after having kids is due to lack of boundaries. American parenting is overly child-focused. The kids get attention for every cry and gurgle, and bedtime with toddlers is a negotiation.
In my family, babies get scheduled feedings and cry themselves to sleep 1800’s-style. Kids don’t get to wander the house at night, and the adults have an area that is off limits to kids. My husband takes care of the youngest ones during his off-work hours just as much as their mothers do. He also participates in cooking, cleaning, and laundry when he’s home. If wives aren’t overworked, sex is more likely to happen. If kids are kept in their place and adults have a place of their own, sex is more likely to happen.