So I had basically a four post bed sex restraint being of thread or nylon, which i bought with for my ex +5 years ago, which I basically strapped her up with, she wasn’t into (used for less than 5 minutes) and then it never got used again.
I felt as it wasn’t really used and its been washed, to be cleaned.
I never mentioned to my partner that it had been used because in my eyes at the time it hadn’t.
but now me and my current partner have used it, she feels really upset by it.
I also didn’t throw it away for monetary value as it felt a pure waste. However now i see that doesn’t matter compared to the emotional value seen between partners.
I feel terrible and never intended for it to have this reaction, im just wondering as a male if i could get some advice from a females perspective for this. Perhaps how i can make the situation better, as i truly never meant to hurt my partner.
Personally as a woman I would understand if it was communicated to me that you bought it and it wasn’t really used or successful. I think it isn’t just a woman thing, my OH doesn’t like the fact I may have used things with previous parnters so I think it is quite normal.
Perhaps just explain that it’s something you wanted to do with her as you have the love, trust and understanding and if she is not happy then it may be something you will have to accept the lost value of.
If my partner brought things like that into play that had been sat in a cupboard I’d be more than happy to give it a go. After all, you never know what you like if you don’t try it…
I used to say to Mr 0 don’t not tell me something because you are worried about my reaction maybe I’ll be a bit pee’d off to begin with but I’ll get over it a hell of a lot quicker than if you intentionally don’t tell me something and I find out, coz then we have an even bigger problem as I can not stand deceit and will not have a relationship without trust.
The only advice I’d give is the same as I always do……honest…open ….communication.
Good luck.
(Mrs)
To use an old adage, “A vibrator is your wingman, not your competition.”
In your context, I don’t think it really matters if it was “never really used” and washed afterward. We aren’t supposed to get upset over women’s wellness items, so I feel is a bit hypocritical of your current partner to be getting upset over what is essentially a bit of bondage kit. It’s not like it was a used insertable or strap-on, after all., it’s basically a restraint from what I’m hearing…?
I agree with @Mr_Mrs_0 , but ultimately, your partner’s reaction is also a bit disproportionate. As @Sexterminator said, if it was an insertable item i would be more empathetic, but it’s not, it’s just some bondage ties. If that were me and I knew that the ex had kicked up a fuss about a bit of bondage, I’d make damn sure my partner knew I was into it - it’s their loss now!
Hmm I personally wouldn’t care so much if it was me as we all have things from a previous relationship and as you never really used the restraints properly before on your ex it’s kinda not even been broken in as such… but yes I also do understand how people can get emotional over things like this and be effected.
I’d try listen and see why it upset her to gain some perspective on her side then probably follow up with an apology and doing something sweetly romantic to cheer her up
Ok so whether we agree that you partners reaction was justified or not, she is upset by it and its probably a bit of a jealousy thing as well as the eeek factor.
You bought them to use with someone else, and now you’re using them with her rather than replacing them. Is she not worth the £50 or whatever it is, to have some new restraints that were bought to use with her that aren’t tainted with the memory of who you actually bought them for?..Thats what I think its about.
You’ve seen it as they were only really tried on, you’ve washed them (have you really? bc I’ve never washed mine ) so whats the harm?! You put practical over emotional. So, to get back on track, genuinely apologise that you didn’t mean to hurt her and that you don’t look at these restraints and see your ex, you only saw the possibility of the fun that you and your partner could have with them. She’s also now going to be wondering if any other toys etc were used with your ex or anyone else. Please for the love of god, let the answer to this be no!
I would suggest that you both browse the website and choose something together and is only for the two or you.
And in future be really open, its better to hurt with the truth, than with a lie.
(I am being facetious here but…) It pains me to no end having to admit I agree 100% wiith @JoCat 's reply with no tangents to disagree with. I get the being practical arguement but it doesn’t work when it’s emotional or sensual. You should be able to hang onto any personal solo toys but any shared ones need to go. Even if you pick out the same damn thing, at least you picked it out together and have not shared with someone else. That way it is yours as a couple and not left overs from a previous relationship. I understand how you made the mistake but, O’boy, don’t do it again.
A much easier way to explain it than the waffled, round the house’s explanation I did trying to explain it I shall be pinching this for the future thank you
Agree @be3169 but then maybe to have just had the option in the first place would have all that may have been needed.
Although I am a little curious as to why not say anything before, to then tell them after
Although reusing them doesn’t seem like a big deal to you, it definitely seems it for your partner.
I would put it down to both that and the fact that you didn’t tell her. As you said, you bought them to use with and for your ex, and that’s definitely a big deal.
My current OH and I have been building our collection slowly, they tossed everything they had which they purchased for or with a previous partner. That relationship ended pretty bad, and these items held those memories and associations, and they told me that under absolutely no circumstances would they reuse those items on me, even bondage items that can technically be washed. We even did a date where we built a personalised aftercare kit from scratch.
They did still have a cheap vibrating cock ring that didn’t see any use, but because it was bought during that relationship, those ties are still there, and they would much rather we purchase another than use it, and add it to our kit.
If they hadn’t tossed it, not told me about the history and used it with me, I’d also be pretty upset, because the initial intent behind the purchase wasn’t with me in mind, but another woman. If they’d asked, I would’ve asked if we could look for something for us, without the history or attachments.
Definitely keep communicating with each other about everything, and please never assume that something isn’t a big deal for someone else, as you never truly know that about the other person until you ask.
I hadn’t noticed that. To be honest I don’t know that I would have said anything, before or after, to me that’s just asking for trouble. If the ex wasn’t kinky then the ex wasn’t kinky, does a current partner really need to know that they’ve just been bound in the same restraints? I get open, honest communication but my husband never told me he screwed his ex on the same bed he took my virginity on and to be honest it never even occurred to me tuntil now
I’m in the same situation, OH took my virginity on their bed, and had previously slept with their exes in it. The difference is that the bed and sheets weren’t bought with the exes in mind, it was bought specifically for my OH’s disabilities. When I moved in, we even went and got brand new pillows for me, so I knew that nothing else had been on them, and they were more suited for my chronic illnesses.
This is an item you’re using on your partner, and I would personally prefer to know where it’s been before it goes anywhere near my body especially being immuno-compromised.
OH and I started long distance and have always had open honest communication with each other, we’re both in agreement that keeping stuff from each other can lead to issues, and talking through it is a lot healthier, because we can both remain level-headed.
If they’d mentioned beforehand, rather than mentioning it after, their partner can make an informed decision based on these facts. Knowing the information beforehand may have caused their partner to make a clearer decision, which from the sounds of it, would potentially been a no.
I think when you have a disability or a condition to take into consideration then obviously that’s different; having to consider something on health grounds is completely different to just being a bit funny about something having been used before, with an ex. Where it could put your health in jeopardy then yes, it absolutely pays to be fussy! I have hidden disabilities myself and I blog about BDSM with disabilities where I try to underline how different things can impact different conditions, so absolutely I appreciate how conditions can impact sex lives.
However, that wasn’t the impression I got from the OP’s post. This seems to be more of a waste not want not attitude for a non-insertable item which, especially as someone trying to live a more environmentally-conscious life, I can completely get behind.
But their partner’s feelings matter too, their informed consent matters in any and all activities. I can understand being environmentally conscious, but not informing your partner about things that could potentially cause waves isn’t healthy, and has the potential to become a much bigger issue.
Just because you’re ok with something, doesn’t mean everyone else is, and that’s something that we all need to be mindful of.
Even if I wasn’t chronically ill, my stance is the same. Inform your partners, communicate your reasoning, and let them make an informed decision, rather than drop details like that afterwards.
Literally just needs to be a ‘hey, I was thinking of using these, but just to let you know’ kinda conversation away from the bedroom.
Yes, of course informed consent is important, and I can agree that the conversation would have been much better before the act than after. The fact that the conversation was had after the event would probably be offensive for me too. That was the OP’s mistake - a lack of forethought. If it was had beforehand, it would likely be NBD.
I guess, if nothing else, selling the kit and using the money to buy something new or similar would probably be a happy compromise that wouldn’t see it go to waste.
LOL! I feel your pain. I think it is great we can often (usually?) have opposing views yet still debate them without getting nasty. Kind of like wanting to hug a cactus but knowing better.
) so whats the harm?! You put practical over emotional. So, to get back on track, genuinely apologise that you didn’t mean to hurt her and that you don’t look at these restraints and see your ex, you only saw the possibility of the fun that you and your partner could have with them. She’s also now going to be wondering if any other toys etc were used with your ex or anyone else. Please for the love of god, let the answer to this be no!
I shall be pinching this for the future thank you 
especially being immuno-compromised.