Sex starved wife :(

Hi all, my hubby never seems to want to have sex with me. Maybe he's not attracted to me? I do have a high sex drive but at the moment I'm lucky if I get it once a month. I love him but I'm not sure I can cope with this. I'm thinking that if he can't perform then maybe I should be allowed a bit on the side. Sometimes he gropes me and suggests that tonight is the night but im usually still waiting 2 weeks later. Its really giving me low self esteem as I'm starting to feel something is wrong with me. Any advice welcome because I really don't want to have an affair but I find myself thinking about it. Makes it harder that a chap I know has offered a no strings attached fling :(

I sometimes have the same thing with my OH usually if they change her meds or pill! the only tthing that worked for us was talking about it! does he now you feel like this? x

what do you DO to get him started? Is there usually just television on the menue after work? Ever arrange "dates" ? Is sex normally same thing same place same time? It can go from wonderfull to dull if it's always something that both parts know will happen. What keeps the flame burning is spontanious stuff imo.

I agree with JustGuy, have you tried talking to him? Last year I was on the other side of the coin, my sex drive massively dropped (to 0 basically) and it was because I was depressed. We talked about it and my husband was very patient and waited for me. I would of been devestated if he's gone elsewhere.

Affairs never solve anything, talking sovles everything.

justy from my experience anyway : )

Deffinately talk about it. This is the lovevof your life. An affair will no doubt end ur marriage. Try something new. Involve toys, drwssing up. Or u can get pills to get him going

Morthius wrote:

what do you DO to get him started? Is there usually just television on the menue after work? Ever arrange "dates" ? Is sex normally same thing same place same time? It can go from wonderfull to dull if it's always something that both parts know will happen. What keeps the flame burning is spontanious stuff imo.

I have to agree here, our sex life became very 'the same' and I have personally found that since I came across LH, things have most certainly improved for the better, way off the scale to what they have ever been before.

Out of the two of us I'm the one with the biggest sex drive, I think I'm just greedy but I do understand where you are coming from. I would suggest you do talk to your partner and just start to experiment. An affair could destroy everything you have, and sometimes we don't realise what we do have till it's gone.

Hope you work things out, I'm sure you will get lots of good advice from here.

Hi Fruity,

Firstly, welcome to the forum. I'm sure you have already but don't forget to make yourself familiar with the Forum Rules ( and F.A.Q (

Secondly, the first thing to do is to talk. Is there something going on in his life/work that might be putting him under a lot of stress? This can can adversely affect libido. A lot of problems can be solved with talking, as Draven said.

Thirdly, you are married. Having an affair could be devastating. You have made a commitment to this man (and he to you) so you owe him a chance to explain or talk about what might be wrong. If you have an affair, you risk destroying what could be an otherwise happy relationship. Sex is important, but is it worth risking a marriage for? If things have gotten to a point in your relationship just isn't working any more, then by talking and getting things out in the open will help you see where you need to go next.

The first thing you need to do though, is TALK.

Good luck :)

Well even when I dress up in sexy underwear he pays no attention. The other day I wore stockings and suspenders and absolutely nothing. Its not like I'm not sexy. I really try to keep in shape and look after myself. Maybe its because he's 12 years older than me? I suppose at 45 sex drive goes down. Also we have 2 girls. 22 months and 3 months. I guess I will have to talk to him but I know him and he will think im pressuring him. Its really hard to talk to him about these things.

Maybe make a nice meal, wait for the kids to be in bed and gently bring up the topic? Tell him how it makes you feel and ask him what's going on in his head.

When my oh isn't paying attention I get a toy out and start beside him. Although the goal is to get him to join in I forget about that and just think of my satisfaction. It doesnt take long for him to get interested.

If this approach doesnt get him going then I agree with everyone who suggests talking. It will be hard to approach it from a perspective of attack though, make sure the talk is in a neutral setting when he isn't occupied with an activity and definitely not just after you feel he has refused you. The opening line shouldnt be 'why don't we have sex anymore?'

From what I understand, yes - sex drive can decrease with age, but it's usually because of an underlying issue - whether it be something medical or something more 'mental' such as stress etc. This is where talking is really important. He shouldn't feel pressured if you approach it the right way.

If this has been going on since the children were born, then it possibly could just be he feels a little awkward with the young'uns in the house. Perhaps a 'date night' might help. Do you have any friends/family locally that could take the children for one night - you two could get dressed up, go out to dinner, reconnect and then come back to a quiet empty house?

There could be a whole multitude of reasons why he's not paying attention, but you have to talk to him.

Talk and talk again, we don't have sex due to Oh meds, health ect but we've always talked we love cuddles and he enjoys the little spankers we've got as I do but for climaxes I have my toys, I am so lucky with my other half suspenders and stuff don't do it for him so underwear is brought for me, a lot of pressure is off hope you work it through my Oh is my rock, no worries about him being a nasty drunk, piece of mind best thing of all. Yes I loved sex with him in the ealier days but I wouldn't swap him for anyone else, Sorry for long speech hope I've not

Sex drive can take a bit of a nose dive as you get older, could he be having some erectile problems and just feels too embarrased to talk about it? Men can be really touchy about discussing personal stuff even with their wives. You mention that you have two very young children,maybe he's a bit worried about the possibility of a third one and thats holding him back ? Please don't have an affair, its rarely the answer long term. As everyone else says talking is vital. Maybe he doesn't understand how this is making you feel but you two really need to have a chat and get things out in the open. Keeping things bottled up isn't good for either of you. Good luck x

Don't worry kitty you havent offended. He's the most amazing man I have ever met. Ive had a chat with him and he agrees that he's stressed with the pressures of work. Not sure where that leaves us though because he will still be under pressure but we shall see. At least he knows how im feeling and its up to him if he chooses to do something about it. Thanks for the advice all. I really needed to let off steam x

So happy to hear you've had a chat with him FF. I hope things work out for you both. Stress is such a nightmare :( xx

You said he now knows how you're feeling and up to him to do something about it.

You also know how he is feeling, stressed from work, so why don;t you take the first step to do something about that?

Arrange a nice meal and massage for him when kids have gone to bed, help him relax a bit and maybe then things will open up for you both.

Remove the idea of sex and anything sexual completely from your mind for now and concetrate on removing the stress and re-building your connection.

Once that barrier is down and you are both talking again and sharing each others ives, maybe then you will share each others bodies too.

An affair is never the way forward!

Thats a good idea Jenson. I'll try that approach xx

I agree with draven talking always works.

cheating never works, my partner has heart problems and sometimes we can't have sex because of that but I would never ever cheat on him.

First off. You can do what you can do to manage the low self-esteem issue. I'll not insult your intelligence to say that you might be putting him off, and that need not just be an issue over physical appearances, but just as likely to be some psychological or emotional factor between you, but it just as likely, if not more likely, that it is simply down to him and whatever issue or issues he currently has, whether THOSE be physical or psychological, or both.

The other thing I can suggest is that any preconceived notions that you might have about men, such as they are permanently horny or that they don't worry about their appearance or performance are all shit. I could very quickly point you to a web-site where married women and girlfriends in their hundreds, complain that their male partners haven't poked them in months, even years in many instances, and that even after decades they have never had a satisfactory explanation, never mind a solution.

As others have said, constructive, low key, non-accusatory, collaborative discussion is the only hope for addressing the issue, but it is not uncommon for women, just like men, to find themselves figuratively beating their heads against a wall, while talking to what seems like a wall. No response at all or at least not one that might be any better than talking to themselves. Some people simply can't and won't challenge whatever devils plague them, no matter how hard they are pushed and sometimes that does mean all the way to the divorce court.

Your situation does not sound as bad as many I have seen written about. Not much consolation, I admit.