you're wonderful, Tigerlilies,
No i don't date, or get out there; my psychologist, keeps trying to drag me out to places to make like minded friends but I have become stubborn about it and tend to dig my heels in. especially since i ended my first all be it short relationship in 25 years, because I felt used. I have been told by people that my mistake is I just try to be friends instead of making a move. but when you feel like you have been backed over by a steam roller a couple of dozen times, and all that is left off you is what is stuck in the cracks in the tarmac; it's hard to pick your self up because you're so strung out and in so many pieces.
I'm glad to hear you're seeing someone to help you, that's already a massive step and brave, so well done. I understand why it's hard to get out but
Have you ever seen surfers? When they see a big, bloody almighty wave coming towards them they don't swim away, they paddle harder and harder straight into that thing and that's what gets them over it. It's going to be hard getting out but it is the same for everyone and the stress of it is always part of the deal. But you NEED to get out there and people are missing out if you don't. You've got hurt in your past but it sounds like you're taking steps to confront it and deal. If you can do that, then you can do this. More importantly you can learn from it. You're not going to let someone treat you like that again because you've already been there. The hardest part of these things is starting them.
I look at myself and i know that this may sound self-abasing but it's all true, im almost 50, 6 stone over weight, got no money to go out anyway. thats before you take into account the fact I can't manage to keep an erection within 10 feet of a naked pussy.
I'm not going to lie to you it's not a great brief for your dating profile. But you know what? I bet there's a fair few distinguished men on here, with a bit more to love who aren't rolling in cash who can back me up in saying you can still rock it. Holla at me if you're there fellas. It's about loving these statistics not curling up in self loathing. Lovers worth a damn don't care how many cars you have and more people than you would believe think appearances are mere packaging.
Secondly it's how you look at it? Almost 50? Phhht, that means you've got life experience and you've seen a bit of this world. This is your selling point, you're not a kid you're an adult.
Six stone overwieght? Well I'm going to be blunt here, if you don't like it, this is another reason to get out there and get fit. Join a local fitness club, aerobics class (Cheap ones appear locally) get running around that block, power walk if you have to. If you work on yourself and make your body a temple you'll feel a million times better. I think it would be good for you to set goals that are about you. If the people you see on daytime TV can be slimmer of the year, so can you. Also ask yourself, would you accept a woman in your life who's of a certain age with a bit extra chub? If yes, than why would they not be interested in you too?
There's a lot of help on offer for the erection problem which is incredibly common. All kinds of men encounter it and some point and it has nothing to do with your value as a person. Speaking to your GP would be a great step but so would exercise. Stress isn't great either so again find ways to stop, breathe and focus. Sex isn't about 'performing' it's about fun, connecting with someone and laughing so hard you fall off the bed and if your lucky, love too. If I got involved with a guy with this problem I would work around it.
the several hundred self harm scars, no trunks on a beach for me. on the inside i am so angry because of what happened to me as a child, but it's all turned inward, on myself, the self harm, attempts to kill myself. the last one a year ago, i literally picked up a carving knife and drove it into my chest, just in the right spot for it to go up into my heart only i caught a rib. No woman deserves to inherit that in a man, so I have just about given up.
This is all awful but you're still here. A survivor is someone who can look at all these things and take strength and learning from them. If you get out there, start meeting people, look after yourself and invest hope in the future this past will become prologue. It will always be with you but it's something that came before the new you
No woman deserves that? Well, if you keep on a path of recovery I think any woman would be pretty darn happy with a guy who's withstood everything life can throw at them. A man isn't just a warrior because he can wrestle an alligator and get a nun pregnant, he's a warrior when he confronts the most painful emotional hurt in his life and chooses to take nothing but love. Then still has the strength to get out there and give it a go. What isn't attractive is someone who curls up and gives up.
There are millions of people that would be hardened and bitter in your shoes. Sounds like you couldn't be further than that. That's another thing too. Many people have been through what you have been through. Some worse, some less so. Finding a support network might be a good idea. The point is you're not alone.
then I am so feminine in the head, I think because I wish that I had been born a woman so that they would not have been interested in me as a child,
Have you discussed this with your psychologist? It's very common to feel this in your situation. I think your ideas of masculine and feminine have deep roots in the environment you were exposed to at a young age. Your head, your thoughts and your feelings are in my opinion a part of your soul, not a part of your gender. Companies, TV and magazines who want to tell you stuff will talk about the gender divide (which I'm not denying exists) but it's best to not listen to this stuff. Having emotions, hurt, dreams, aspirations and thoughts in general is from being a person first of all.
The way you phrase this makes it sound like you're not completely over the fact that what happened to you was not your fault. As if you could have done something to prevent it when in fact I would hazard a guess that someone exploited you. This is about power and unfortunately someone who's lacking a very deep part of themselves doing something horrible to you. Again this has nothing to do with gender and nothing to do with you.
I hate it when someone leaves the seat up, I can't wee standing up for the life of me, I go through more body lotion etc, I shave, and epilate from neck to toe, because I can't bare to have body hair. I could go on but I will stop now.
Viva la difference! There's lots of men out there like you, you just don't see them wearing t-shirt to advertise it. So you epilate, so you hate how annoying loo seat politics are. It's little peccadilloes that makes us who we are, don't over analyse yourself. I like to eat sausage rolls from the middle and I have a fear of stingrays. It doesn't have anything to do with my value as a person, it's just trivia.
All I have left now is a strong desire to help others, as I know my body and it's sexual responses having explored it to try and find answers, this is one area I my be able to provide help for others. also it has been good to talk to such as your self. maybe I will find the will here to try again but, it is the other person that I am thinking of.
Hooray! You're miles ahead of many, many people who haven't been through half the stuff you've been through. How far you must have come. Take some confidence in this and see how mature and respectable it makes you and keep going.
I had no expectations when I did try to date in the past, i really did just want to have a best friend to talk to to go to the pictures with or for a meal, maybe a hug sometimes. thats what i miss most someone just to hold.
You're lonely, I hear that. You want what everyone wants. It might be an idea to start joining groups for the sake of meeting friends. Once you start getting a posse together and meet people who you like to be around you will a lot better with a support network. If you meet someone special that's a bonus. I'm sure you know a relationship doesn't solve everything and it's amazing how good, good friends will make you feel even if you don't have another half. It's usually when you're in this happy space that something comes along when you weren't even looking.
going back to the sex thing, my sexuality, has no label to fit it. sex to my mind is to be penetrated, but I know for sure now after much soul searching that I am not gay, I like women, not men. so the best description I can find is to think of myself as a male lesbian. A complete contradiction in terms, but its the only thing that fits.
Straight, gay, bi. Don't sweat over it. You seem made up in your mind but whether you sleep with men, women or a teddy bear don't lose one night's sleep over it. Again it doesn't contribute to your value as a person.
A male lesbian? Oh honey I don't think so. A man who isn't a caveman perhaps? A guy in touch with his feelings? Someone who's on a quest? A journey of to discover themselves? I guy who takes grooming, appearances into consideration. My dear that is called a catch these days. If you don't get out there, no one is going to take the bait. There are many, many men like you with these concerns, you just haven't been heavily exposed to them yet. I remember before I went to uni I felt like the only woman with half a brain. This was because I lived in hicksville and I went to school with an army of daddy's little princesses. Stop trying to label yourself and enjoy what makes you you.
Hope this is not too heavy, but it feels a relief to express it to you. this place is a gift for me. thanks.
That's what it's for amigo. Hope it helps. Do you think it might be an idea to take this in to your psychologist? They often recommend writing your feelings down and it can be easier than talking about it sometimes. Also, next time your psychologist tells you to get out, ask them how. What do they think will work for you, where should you go?
I'm trying to think of sites and organisations I can recommend to help you meet people and get out and about. Any suggestions OA recruits?
Tigerlilies
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