Ok, I've always been a one man woman, never cheated always expected complete trust and commitment from a guy.
after having my hubby leave last year I think I have trust issues and my new bf went awol and I suspect it's because I've been bombarding with texts and for attention.
but having had a good think about my wants and needs and the offers I'm getting of pof I'm leaning towards having a couple of guys for fun rather than serious commitment.
Now my biggest issue is am I disrespecting myself opening myself up to this opportunity? Have any of you had fwb what kind of limits/rules etc did you set yourselves?
I don't do fwb because I can't stop myself from getting attached when sex is involved, but I have friends who do manage to do so successfully (for a time, until the same thing eventually happens).
I don't mean to sound preachy, but I would seriously be careful both of the strangers on pof and your own expectations. 'Friends with benefits' is actually still way too commited a term for what a lot of men and women on there want, i.e. no strings sex, one night stands, even just a bit of dirty talk online and a quick wank. They don't want the 'friend' element and they often have sex with you once or twice before up and leaving with no further comment. You could well find someone who wants to maintain regular contact, but it's more common to find the very flighty, zero commitment ones. It's up to you whether you think you could emotionally handle that level of detachment; there is nothing at all wrong with that and you wouldn't be disrespecting yourself (as long as you are safe) but I would be worried for you as you got to the stage of bombarding your last partner with texts and wanting more after only 4 weeks. Are you sure you can really handle entering into relations with multiple people and be sure not to develop any feelings or attachment to them? Would you really be okay with more people walking clean away as this man has appeared to? Would you be okay being someones 'conquest' and never hearing from them again?
Depending how much you want to explore your sexuality/kinkier side, you could consider switching sites to the like of Fetlife? If you can find a local group they often hold 'muches' where you get to meet the people in a safe, non sexual environment before deciding on a play partner. It's a bit more involved than a dating site would be, though admittedly you do still just get people who want to hit and run, so to speak. You don't have to be some hardcore bdsm nut to find someone suitable to your needs.
It takes a surprising amount of effort to maintain a casual sexual relationship, so please please make sure you're fully prepared for it so you don't end up hurt!
I am hoping a little detachment would be helpful for me. I was bombarding the last guy with sexts, he got me so horny I think I wore him out.
i seem to have my mojo back again, I'm horny and kinky and think I'm a bit much for one guy to handle at the moment.
im inclined to have a few get it out your system flings at the mo like I did as a teen, conquests if you will. Safe sex obviously if i want to spread about a bit. There are things I want to try, not sure about doing something like fetlife though.
a fbw relationship, it was great but can become difficult if feelings get involved, which unfortunately can happen and can ruin it although if they work they are good..
We had set rules like if we met some one either of use, we would dicuss it and break it off
No sleeping with about wih every1, when he did we talked about it but it was fine, more out of respect and safety for each other.
Seems fair sassy, I'm not sure if I just need a very laid back or distant relationship to get back to normal. It probably sounds odd but the ex leaving me the way he did left me with insecurities. Having the bf helped my insecurities about my body and my confidence, now I think I need to wind down a bit and relax into a relationship without being too full on and I was hoping fwb might have been a better way of achieving that.
To be honest, I wouldn't recommend it. I kind of had a fwb relationship and it didn't end well. I wanted to turn it into a proper relationship, she said she'd think about it. The next day, she told me she was in a relationship with someone else...
As a result of a few...iffy relationships I have some trust issues too. What helped me was finding someone who knows how to deal with it. My OH of six years knows what I'm like, that I get paranoid for stupid reasons sometimes and knows how to calm me down. It also helps slightly that shes quite similiar as well although not quite as bad.
Personally, I would never do the whole fwb thing. It's something I don't really agree with and that I can't see ever suiting me.
Hope I didn't come across too stuck up. It's just my view, but maybe it's the right thing for you. Who knows. :)
Thanks for that secretty, it makes sense. I'm leaning away from fwb now. Considering a few flings with younger guys though. Right now I feel like I need attention and a lot is coming from younger guys and I honesty wouldn't expect them to stick about.
I see that you are now leaning away from fwb but I still wanted to comment.
In no way are you disrespecting yourself by having casual relationships. In fact, I think recognsing your wants and needs and attending to them, even if it goes against the grain, shows you do respect yourself.
I have had more than my fair share of fwb/f**k buddies. None of them were really good friends first. Most were one night stands that were worth repeating and I met one online with the intention of it being casual. I wouldn't have a fwb relationship with a good friend because it would change the friendship and potentially damage it or even end it. For me it's crucial that a fwb is someone who isn't a major part of my life.
I don't really have many rules. The only ones that spring to mind are health related: Always use a condom, both parties must get checked regularly and if either of us have unprotected sex with anyone then we tell the other person and get checked (multiple partners with multiple partners is a recipe for disaster without firm rules to protect everyone's health).
With most of my fwb people I only see them for sex. We might hang out on that day/the next day but the friendship is secondary to the sex. Some of them I only sleep with very occasionally (usually if we bump into each other at a club or party) but others are more arranged. My longest fwb relationship is a guy I met online over 7 years ago (there have been years when we were in relationships and didn't see each other though). We usually see each other once to twice a week and text most days now (we used to text less but we are actually good friends now). We do talk about everyday things but there is far more sex-based talk than most people would have with friends or a romantic partner and we also talk about the other people we are sleeping with.
I love fwb relationships. They allow me to get my needs met without having to be in a relationship, I get to enjoy multiple partners and, most importantly, I get my kink needs met in a safe way.
I do think it's important to look carefully at yourself to work out whether you are really capable of having a fwb without getting emotionally attached or developing romantic feelings for them. It's not for everyone (I would even go so far as to say most people get caught out by feelings) but for those it works for, it's great.
It can work if you and the other person are on the same page, but it requires maturity and loads of comminucation up front. But you may well find someone who is in a similar mindset. Lovebirds comments about men not really wanting the friendship part for the most part is dead on so proceed with caution and be safe.
If you feel you have self esteem issues due to ex please make sure you are not validating your own value via a man.
Thanks both of you. Vanessa my self esteem is 1000% better than it ever was when I was with my ex, he suppressed me somewhat now I'm free and liberated and oozing with horniness and mojo to the point where I feel like I'm going to explode. Whatever I choose to do it will be purely about my own sexual and fantasy needs.
Friday13 you describe what my ideal fwb scenario new guy friend just for casual but frequent sex, ticks boxes without the draw of a full on relationship.
Excuse my lack of ignorance but what is FWB ?
I have had three fwb before. First one is now a really good friend, second I ended up wanting a relationship and he didnt and the last one was fun but I didnt care when it ended.
It difficult to say how FWB can go as they are like any other relationship, some go good whilst others go bad.
The best thing to do is to be honest with them, you both need to be on the same page in this and to be aware that you or they could become more emotionally involved in this set up.
I think fwb's are healthy and normal. More normal than monogamy!
The whole concept of love and committment in the way we know it today is a social construction imposed on society by the state and the church!
Im not saying love is not real im merely saying the obssession we have with being devoted to one person has been influenced strongly by traditional authorities. Usually enforced by white middle class middle aged men who think they rule the world and thus own women and decide what is best!
Fuck the social contract! The accepted institution!
- be free live your life, sex is great go and enjoy it without feeling guilty!!
Dont repress your desires, fulfill them xxx
I've never been able to make it work :/ First time I tried I ended up dating the guy within the week, and the second time I was completely put off by him and we stopped being friends :(
But if you can make it work - good on you!
Enjoying sex is never disrespecting yourself, so long as everything is safe and consensual. If you want to explore flings or fwb that's great! Just try to listen to your own needs as much as possible. It's easy to lose track of your own needs when you're playing with a friend.
From personal experience, I don't think it's a great option. Flings sure, fwb not so much. I like to think of it as a set of weighing scales. On one side you have emotional support, on the other, physical connection. With fwb's the scales never seem to be quite even. Too much of the emotional side and it becomes a semi relationship minus the fun. Too much fucking and you lose the emotional closeness.
You might be better off going to a swingers club. You can make a few friends to have in steady rotation minus the emotional hassle 😘
I started being FWB with a guy after we had a one night stand. I was just finishing college and had had some fairly traumatising sexual expeirences so the idea of being able to explore without any emotional pressure was ideal. It was great for about 5 months but i wish we had left it there. Instead here I am three years later and our relationship is coming to a very stagnant end. We have gone from fwb, to going out, to being in an open relationship, then closed, then split up and then (to my shame) back to being FWB allthough by this point using the word 'Friend' is a bit of the mark.
Done for a short time I think its a great way to get your needs met without a lot of one night stands, but things get complicated when these things are dragged out. I would not do this with someone I wanted to keep as a friend, and I'd probably go for someone who lived a fair distance away.
All in all though do whatever makes you happy (provided your not hurting anybody - unless they're into it ;)
As soon as you arent happy, finish it, run, dont look back!
Well a week can change a lot, I've found a hot guy I'm going to start dating but also chatting to an awesome local guy whose life/child schedules would pretty much rule out Us out ever being able to sustain a relationship but would be game for a bit of fwb or not so typical stuff like threesomes if I ever called for it.
Other than the needs of my children who will always come first (which is why fwb possible guy clashes as he has his children every weekend) my sexual needs are my treat and indulgence. When I'm chatting with guys we chat intimately, it's allowed me to explore my tastes and fantasies with him before we meet, basically allowing me to see if we are compatible on a sexual level, unfortunately the chat experience does get you sexually aroused so much that we both mutually agree that sex on our first meeting is inevitable. So we are going for it.
You sound like you are in a good place and ready to have fun in a way that works for you Littlestars. Cheers to seeing how this next adventure works out for you!
Thanks, it's a liberating feeling to know I have some control in all this. I have to say though the attention I've received on dating sites has been overwhelming.
Which really surprises me as someone whose curvy and has children. Exciting time! I've got heaps of confidence and mojo at the moment.