@Cupc8kes, hope youāre sitting comfortably
Iām absolutely happy to help as much as I can! Not sure how much help itāll be! (Trying to think back to the 90s haha) Iām glad you asked
I suppose being an only child, I was used to my own company and was never really bothered about going out and playing with other kids. Iāve always had an active imagination so would rather spend time in my head than trying to make friends. Looking back, how much of that was my neurodiversity and how much was situational Iāll probably never know, but hindsight tells me it was most likely the former.
I think because of that, I was an easy target for bullies because I didnāt have the āgangā of friends that you tend to move up with. I was lucky when I got to upper school because I met my best friend (will call him Matt) and we became close really quickly. With him, it was easy. It made sense.
There were a group of six of us, teachers pets I guess, who were more interested in learning than being popular. We all got on okay but it was definitely three distinct pairs. Heās the only school friend Iām still in touch with and weāre as close as ever after 26 years (Damn that makes me feel old! ). I mentioned my thoughts about being autistic to him at the beginning of the year and he just looked at me and said, āWell duh. We both are.ā
School is hard and kids are cruel. People gang together because theyāre scared, feel the need to conform and fit in. Iāve found that the majority of school friendships are friendships of convenience and circumstance rather than genuine āoh hey, I like you.ā They may well be envious of the few people that march to the beat of their own drum and donāt need the validation of being part of the cool kids club. (Even if they desperately want to be part of it).
Itās a head start on real adult life.
People say school is the best years of your life? Bullshit if you ask me. For a neurotypical person, maybe it is, but for me it wasnāt.
I honestly feel like Matt is the first real friend I ever had. The first friend who I chose, who just āgotā me and liked me for me, not using/emotionally abusing me.
I hope your person finds their Matt, because quality of friends is DEFINITELY more important than quantity!
I always used to fidget - doodle, pick my scalp, dig my nails into my skin, play with my jewellery etc. I got checked for anaemia at one point because I kept zoning out. Now I have various fidget toys everywhere and they really do help me focus and concentrate.
I never dated in school, to this day have only had two relationships - both long distance and I think they were more invested than me. I had absolutely no interest in living together or getting closer and still canāt imagine living with a partner, so canāt really give any advice on that side of things.
Sorry for the ramble (I hope some of it was relevant and useful) but in summary, I think just reassurance that they are amazing, strong and unique. Affirming that itās not easy. Being different takes strength. Itās a lot easier to conform, or pretend (mask) so youāre proud of how strong they are. A reminder that there might be things they dislike about themselves, but those are qualities that some of the other sheep wish they had. It might be a bit rubbish now, but the rigidity of school ends at 18 (ish) and then theyāre most likely going to leave the people from school in their rear view mirror and be able to explore what the world has to offer their unique self. Their time will come
Maybe try and engage about things they are into/fixated on. Is there something that they might be interested in a career in? Can you encourage/get involved in developing that passion? Try and learn to celebrate the superpower rather than resent it.
There are thousands of strands of hay in a haystack, but no-one wants those - everyone wants the needleā¦ why? Because itās different. Both are equally useful, but not for the same things, and the needle is inherently more valuable due to its rarityā¦ be proud to be the needle!
Anything else you want to know, feel free to ask