I’m so sorry to hear about your past experiences @Alyssa_2.0 and @Dirty-Wife. That sounds really tough. I’m pleased you’re able to talk about this here so thank you for sharing. Big hugs to you both
As to your question, @Alyssa_2.0
I hope, like @WillC that you’ve had opportunity to talk things through with a professional at some point. If you haven’t, I understand there are some great charities and other routes such as (in the case of a criminal complaint) police Victim Support, aside from the usual GP referral route, that all can offer advice and counselling. As a ‘survivor’ myself, I can really recommend it.
The fantasy you’re describing is a pretty common kink. It’s often labelled as Consensual Non-Consent (CNC) to make it distinct from sexual assault. And to emphasise that it is fundamentally CONSENSUAL!
For so many people submitting in this fantasy scenario feels good. It feels liberating and fun to be able to place a huge amount of trust in a play partner, and finding freedom through ‘letting go’. The consent can be withdrawn at any point by either party if anyone’s feeling things are not right.
There’s no reason that your past horrible experiences have to be linked to your present ones. It’s totally possible to dissociate them. To compartmentalise, if you like. I’ve done this myself through counselling.
Actual sexual assault is very, very different to consensual roleplaying even more extreme forms of submission, objectification or whatever.
But it can take some time to feel safe, happy and secure in this reality.
In my own case, my innate desire to be the Dom in the bedroom, was unfortunately in conflict with my associations and memories of my attacker: I identified myself as acting like them on some level, which made things feel complicated and tricky. So it took a bit of counselling to really put things in their rightful place and move on.
The bottom line is that your fantasies are normal and ok. There may be complications around acting on them because of your past experiences. But having these fantasies, or wanting to roleplay them with a loving and trusted partner, given your situation, is not inherently wierd or wrong. I think it could well even be healing. But I really recommend taking care of your overall mental health alongside.
Take care.