So I don’t know how strange this is considering I’ve been raped multiple times but I’ve got this massive CNC fantasy that’s only grown overtime. Obviously it’d be with a partner I really trust to go through with it but am worried about being weird wanting this so much? Overtime the longing for its only grown!

Any advice would be much appreciated :pray: :ok_hand: :green_heart:xxx


@Alyssa_2.0 I would maybe change your title and wording on this.

I’ve flagged it as it needs a trigger warning as this could be upsetting for some members.


From a male perspective, i find it horrific that you’ve been raped numerous times, and i hope you reported the offender/s and got some kind of support/counselling.
I have read that it’s fantasy that some people have, and if it’s one you need to experience, then yes, make sure it’s with someone you trust implicitly and that they understand your history and that you have a safe word if you need to stop. The fact you are thinking it’s weird makes me think that you might be suspecting it’s the after effects of being raped for real. Can’t really add anything else, other than i know you have had a tragic few months, and your head is all over the place, so maybe the increased urge for this fantasy is to do with all that? Maybe you need to see a counsellor to get your head round it all? Hope this helps, and as you know, there’s always someone here for support and advice. :hugs: :hugs: :hugs:


@Alyssa_2.0 Many thanks for this topic it’s not as uncommon as people make out and especially brave of you to say that you have been a victim, you may need to have a conversation with your partner more than once about going for it, it may bring back some painful memories and unwanted feelings or anxieties! Don’t rush into it


Firstly, I’m sorry that this happened to you, and a brave post :slightly_smiling_face:
Not much more advice I can give than what’s already been given.

I too have been there countless times in my past, and abuse, physically and emotionally, the only people that know are hubby and my sister in-law, and you lovely people on here.
With me personally, I wouldn’t want to live through that again. But I want the physical side, when we’re having our time, I want him to start using his hands on me. I told him what I want him to do (nothing like what I received in the past) I wanted him to slap my cheeks, but gently. Pin me down by my wrists, pin me up against the wall, get in real close to me and tell me why I’m being punished.
When I told him, he straight out said no. So I left it awhile. When I felt the time was right I brought it up again and he really listened to me, I explained what I was after, and it’s nothing like what I experienced before. We talked it all through, came up with safe words for both of us. I thought there was something wrong with me, being turned on so much by him doing that to me. Then I found LH and the bondage section.

I hope you find the answers you’re looking for :slightly_smiling_face:


Are you sure it’s not more about sub/dom fantasy? I too have been raped but also have rape fantasies but i realised it was more about wanting to submit to my partners.

If not, maybe seek a therapist who specialises in sexual trauma.

Good luck :smiley:


@Alyssa_2.0 How awful for you that this has happened to you in the past ! :hugs:

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I’m sorry, that sounds like a lot of complex feelings.

There’s a free resource that may help, it covers sex and intimacy after sexual assault.


Consensual non consent is something I’ve come across before and not as uncommon as people think. But I’ll agree it needs to be someone you trust. I’ve also been in your position multiple times and have a similar kink.


I’m so sorry to hear about your past experiences @Alyssa_2.0 and @Dirty-Wife. That sounds really tough. I’m pleased you’re able to talk about this here so thank you for sharing. Big hugs to you both :hugs:

As to your question, @Alyssa_2.0
I hope, like @WillC that you’ve had opportunity to talk things through with a professional at some point. If you haven’t, I understand there are some great charities and other routes such as (in the case of a criminal complaint) police Victim Support, aside from the usual GP referral route, that all can offer advice and counselling. As a ‘survivor’ myself, I can really recommend it. :two_hearts:

The fantasy you’re describing is a pretty common kink. It’s often labelled as Consensual Non-Consent (CNC) to make it distinct from sexual assault. And to emphasise that it is fundamentally CONSENSUAL!

For so many people submitting in this fantasy scenario feels good. It feels liberating and fun to be able to place a huge amount of trust in a play partner, and finding freedom through ‘letting go’. The consent can be withdrawn at any point by either party if anyone’s feeling things are not right.

There’s no reason that your past horrible experiences have to be linked to your present ones. It’s totally possible to dissociate them. To compartmentalise, if you like. I’ve done this myself through counselling.
Actual sexual assault is very, very different to consensual roleplaying even more extreme forms of submission, objectification or whatever.
But it can take some time to feel safe, happy and secure in this reality.

In my own case, my innate desire to be the Dom in the bedroom, was unfortunately in conflict with my associations and memories of my attacker: I identified myself as acting like them on some level, which made things feel complicated and tricky. So it took a bit of counselling to really put things in their rightful place and move on.

The bottom line is that your fantasies are normal and ok. There may be complications around acting on them because of your past experiences. But having these fantasies, or wanting to roleplay them with a loving and trusted partner, given your situation, is not inherently wierd or wrong. I think it could well even be healing. But I really recommend taking care of your overall mental health alongside.

Take care. :hugs:


I can’t add anything else and there is some great advice here. I really do hope you can figure this out in the healthiest way possible.
I will say that I have an ex who asked me to do this, to be the Dom/Attacker. Throughout her life she had to be in control. She had a pretty crazy childhood and adult life and was ALWAYS responsible and sensible and she said she was sick of it. She wanted to truly and utterly let go and let someone take control. If I would’ve been in a healthier place and understood more about sex and connection in general I might have agreed but I was not comfortable with it and that’s what I told her. Problem is that some people may not recognize they shouldn’t participate in an act like this. Communication and trust are so important.


Yikes and yet from a sexual fantasy side I’ve had many a night dream of similar thing but as it’s such a delicate subject on many levels I’d never personally play out these fantasies unless it was too with someone I trusted.

@Alyssa_2.0, I’m so sorry to hear that, that’s truly awful, I really hope you’re ok :slightly_frowning_face:. Sorry I can’t offer any advise, but I hope plenty of hugs will help a little :hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs:

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@Dirty-Wife, really sorry to hear of your suffering too, sending lots of hugs to you :hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs:

Thank you :kissing_heart:


You’re welcome @Dirty-Wife :slightly_smiling_face:

:hugs: :hugs: :hugs:

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@ChloJakes sorry hun, I should of put the trigger warning i wasn’t thinking.

Thanks to all of you who’ve offered advise and kindness. It’s a fantasy I’ve had for a long, long time. I was too young 4 the fantasy when it first happened. After getting more into bandage the fantasy has kept growing obviously with a partner i trust impeccably.

I wondered over the years if its something to do with the trauma but its not that im wanting to replay anything from the past. In a way it’s more about taking back control, going along with it willingly and setting limits that don’t bring things flooding back.

Ive never thought it’s strange but confided in someone who’s a close mate who responsed by saying ‘you’re totally f-cked’!

Thanks but I’m not brave, hopefully this can help others who have the same/similar fantasies.

Answer to the questions, nobody’s been sentenced for what they did. I have had counselling and continue to receive greif counselling which is needed!

Its not a sub/dom thing as I’ve had this in past relationships. Obviously there’ll be a safe word and I’ll give instructions on what to do to a point as it cant be anything like what I’ve been through or that would screw me up even more xx


I’m so glad you’ve been getting some counselling support for your various troubles @Alyssa_2.0. You’ve been through so much! :face_holding_back_tears: Hope you can find your way back to happier days sometime not too far away.

Oh boy! Well meaning friends can turn out to unhelpful with advice, can’t they?! I guess your friend was probably feeling protective. If they’ve no understanding of this particular kink, or limited interest in kinks in general, it’s sadly quite easy for the uninitiated to jump straight to being concerned for you.

For me too, kinky fantasies and desires also came well before the sexual assault.
For me the ownership and agency of kinkier aspects of my sex life were a bit more complicated after I was attacked, but over time it felt important for me to get back to expressing myself how I wanted to be, and not let the good parts of my life (ones that give me pleasure) be affected by past bad experiences, or a toxic individual I never have to see again.

I totally get your idea of ‘taking back control’ of this part of your identity.

You do you :two_hearts:


Thanks @Alyssa_2.0 for being open and discussing your fantasy. I too have the same fantasies and find it very confusing sometimes. Sorry to hear of your past experiences, I would recommend counselling if you haven’t already tried. For me, i think this is a fantasy only and not something that i’d ever play out, mainly because my husband would be upset by the idea and i don’t think he’d understand. I still feel quite uncomfortable about my fantasies but it is good to be able to speak to you all about it. From what i’ve read in the past, and from speaking to counsellors, it seems that it isn’t an uncommon fantasy and isn’t something to be ashamed of.