Hiya, this is someting that has been on mind a while so I thought I’d come on here and ask the good people of lovehoney what you think.
Recently I joined a facebook group that I thought was about body positivity and women supporting women etc, it turns out its mainly people bitching about their partners and asking for advice so I’ve left it now!! But there was a question that was brought up that made me think about myself and my feelings on online activity. The person had seen her partner messaging a random girl on instagram and he told her that it was a cam girl and nothing to be worried about, he told her that she was being stupid for feeling offended.
There were alot of replies to her, some were along the lines of ‘red flag’ ‘you can do better’ ‘get out’ etc etc but the overall reply was that all men watch porn and she couldnt ‘control’ him by saying she was upset about it and also that she needed to look at herself and work on herself to get over this.
I just wondered what are your thoughts on this? I felt bad for the person when everyone started saying it was her problem not his, It resonated with me because I am feeling very low in confidence at the moment and I dont know if its because of lockdown or because of bigger issues.
I don’t like my partner going online to chat to people on cam sites as I believe it takes away from our relationship and/or I don’t fulfil him enough to be enough. (Spend that time perving over my photos or flirting with me instead?) We met while we were both on cam and I don’t feel like the same person anymore but its a bit of a contradiction me saying I dont like it - among other things I think people are so fake online its a stupid way to waste time or spend money on, it really bothers me that my partner doesnt see the same way as me.
So if the answer is to work on yourself, How would someone go about that so they dont give a s*&t ? and if all men watch porn how do you know when its changed into a porn addiction or is taking over? Do you think it’s reasonable to watch camsites on your phone while you’re at work? Do you consider chatting to people on cam cheating in a relationship? is it just a lazy way to get some kicks? is it easier to look online than to have real sex with your partner? I’m interested in everyones thoughts, I’ve been following Justthetwoofus’s thread for a while and although I believe her husband went too far I also can understand his feelings too.
I think cam sites are a step-up from view-only porn.
Mrs Chimp is happy for me to watch ‘regular’ porn, but would be unhappy if included another real-life person into my masturbation routine. If I was sexting anyone that wasn’t her then I think she’d have some very valid questions.
Obviously every relationship is different, and people will draw the line in different places, but I don’t think it’s unreasonable to say that paying for cam girls is a step too far.
Hi
For me I would be gutted if I discovered my OH was interacting with other women in a sexual nature. I don’t have experience of cam work but if your partner was to do or say what he was doing online with another woman face to face would it be okay then? I don’t think it should make any difference if it’s online, it’s still real people involved.
I don’t think someone should change themselves because of their partners behaviour in this matter.
I feel that watching regular porn has become acceptable / normal because so many people partake in it.
But I’m sure some people still have an issue with their partners getting involved in it because - why is there a need to watch it if you’re in a happy relationship where your needs are being met?
But anyway, I think camming is a step too far - unless you’re doing it as a job to earn your income, then I don’t feel that it should be done when in a relationship.
It is much more personal than watching porn, you are becoming more involved - and as for paying for it…why would you want or need to?
That’s like going to a strip club and paying for private dances even though you’re in a relationship.
Does your partner know that you would like more sexual activity?
Maybe there is something deeper that is causing him to do this.
Hi,
I know for a fact my partner would be like why would you want too look at girls on cam when you’ve got me? Totally understand that. I don’t see why men would want to watch girls on cam, I’d rather watch porn. I haven’t got anything against camming it at all. I just think why can’t they be happy with what they’ve got? Introduce your OH too watch porn together or something?
@glitterismyfavouritecolour
I wouldn’t chat to someone on a porn web cam. I think that is stepping over the line.
I certainly don’t think you are being unreasonable and if you have hot photos for your OH to enjoy, that certainly should be his focus.
The chat on this forum can be a bit “risky” , in a fun way , without any intention to be flirty ( had a couple of posts edited), but generally I’ve found it to be informative and helpful…I’ve learned a lot from members and info shared will help sex life im sure.
I enjoy certain types of porn, pretty vanilla to most peoples view I suppose, but I feel the web cam thing a bit sleezy.
Everyone is going to have a different view on where the line between acceptable and unacceptable is. If you aren’t comfortable with something, you need to talk to your partner and explain that. It could be that it is something your partner can explain it to you in a way that does make it feel better for you (and therefore something that you are ok with) or it might simply be a no for you. Neither of these is wrong.
In terms of someone working on themselves, that really depends on why they feel the way they do. Things like low confidence and low self esteem can make us react differently to situations. Working to improve them is never a bad thing for yourself but working on them to try and change your mind about an issue isn’t necessarily going to give you the outcome you want. We all have our boundaries and when we aren’t feeling great about ourselves more pop up. When we start feeling better, some of those boundaries will disappear again but some will still remain. So, feeling happier and more secure in yourself might make you feel ok with your partner chatting online with someone but it also might not. Time and experiences will alter boundaries but this isn’t exactly something you can work on.
I can see exactly where your coming on this. Like you said because you know about it, or maybe involved. It’s not going behind your back and you won’t get hurt in the long run.
So a partner can simply say, “I’m off to bang your mum”, and because you now know about it that’s not a betrayal?
I pretty much agree with most of your previous post, but the bit I’d need is that we discussed it beforehand and everyone was cool. If everyone wasn’t cool, and it happened anyway, then I’d consider that a breach of trust.
Correct, communication is the key factor in this! I know what mean by deleting txts, pics and deleting internet history is just a disaster waiting to happen because the OH will find out one way or another and that will hurt the most!
From the perspective of someone who spent some time doing camming I can totally understand why so many people are hurt and upset by their partner using these sites and to say that someone is being stupid for being offended by this is completely out of order.
The thing you mentioned @glitterismyfavouritecolour about people being fake online is completely true, cam girls put on a show, they tend to do or show or say what the other person finds stimulating because they’re being paid to. To be honest, you can be anyone online and miles away from your true persona. Basically these people are paying for interactive porn. Not that there’s anything wrong with it but it needs to be within the boundaries of each individual relationship.
I don’t consider it cheating and although my OH knows about my camming and is completely on board with it and I have no problem with him watching porn or even watching cam sites I would have a big problem with him getting emotionally involved with other women online including secret sexting because that’s not what we’ve agreed is acceptable.
Yes, porn or cam sites can be a lazy way to get your kicks or indulge on an activity that maybe isn’t being catered for in your real life. I don’t feel guilty about what I’ve done on cam because I’m not forcing people to watch me, they choose too. If it causes problems in their relationship then its because their personal boundaries either haven’t been set or need to be re evaluated.
To us porn is fine as are cam sites but strip clubs, lap dancing or physical interaction with another person are off limits.
Basically if you’re doing something that you know is unacceptable in your relationship then that behaviour is wrong. Everyone will have a different view on this but the only views that matter are the ones between you and your partner.
Plus I’d be more furious about my husband spending money on another woman rather than on me!
For me, chatting and paying for cam services is a lot more involved than just watching porn. I wouldn’t be comfortable with it as you are making more of a personal sexual connection with someone else.
One of my old friends believed just watching porn was the same as cheating. While I don’t agree with that, it is still something she is uncomfortable with - so telling her to dismiss these feelings just because others have a different take on it doesn’t mean her point is silly or invalid. They are real to her. So to come back to that original poster, I don’t think she needs to get over it or work on herself just so he can do want he wants and dismiss her feelings while chatting online to other women. For these type of things I try to see how it would be like in the reverse scenario. Would he be happy with her chatting to other men online? They need to have a good talk and understand one another. Everyone has their limits to what they are comfortable with and I think that’s very important to confirm in any relationship.
Some people will want things like this - taking pleasure in the fantasy and not the reality. Only showing you what you want to see and hear.
Yes I’d say web cam porn is definitely stretching the boundaries as it’s live and real interaction with another person which is basically a virtual step away from cheating on your partner and it would raise the question of what do you get from a cam girl who’s paid to make you feel special that you can’t get in real from your partner who loves you unconditionally…
Hi @glitterismyfavouritecolour, no worries about the long post and questions, if you can’t ask them here, where can you?! I’d agree with others on here, I’d feel that interacting online with another girl in this way is cheating whether she is a cam girl or not. Unless of course it has been discussed and agreed on within the relationship.
As for changing / working on yourself so that your opinions change, I wouldn’t go down that road. They are your feelings and they are real whether someone else agrees with you or not. If your partner’s actions are causing you to feel unhappy then that is how you feel and nothing / nobody should make you change that. Your feelings are valid and your partner needs to respect them.
There is a lot of disagreement around porn addiction but I personally see it as a real thing, partly from personal experience.The basics of it are that it generally starts with free porn, usually quite “vanilla” / soft porn and gradually progresses - usually to more graphic or rough sex scenes. Often people will progress to paying for premium videos, cam girls, prostitution etc. I’m not saying that any of this is a problem as such - for some people this is totally normal and they are comfortable with it which is great. But, for some people, it starts to get in the way of everyday life such as not being able to concentrate on work because they feel they need to be watching porn, or people feel uncomfortable or guilty about the things they are watching, it is then that it could be considered an addiction. It is very difficult to define a porn / sex addiction because of the vast differences in people’s needs and feelings, what is normal and doesn’t cause concern for one person might feel out of control or distressing to someone else. The point where it becomes a problem is based more on how that person feels than the type / amount of porn, if that makes any sense?
Personally I’d say that watching porn at work is a warning sign but others could disagree. For me, I go through phases of giving up porn because I think it takes over my life and negatively affects my relationship. Then I start thinking that a little bit is totally normal (which it is), so I watch a bit and it all escalates again. I can spend several hours a day watching porn, not even having orgasms, just watching. I can’t concentrate on anything else and the type of porn I watch becomes more “rough” (nothing extreme, just stuff that is found on any free porn site). The stuff I watch and the amount I watch is perfectly normal to a lot of people, but for me, it leaves me feeling guilty, miserable and dirty. That to me is an indicator that this is a problem for me. I then stop watching altogther until I get bored and the cycle starts all over again!
Interesting points here about partners knowing about activity.
I joined this forum to get an insight to other peoples sex lifes in comparison to my own.
I didn’t join for any weird kick , just pure interest.
I have enjoyed the interaction and some of the advice has opened my eyes and will hopefully bring additional spice to the physical side of our relationship.
The interaction has always intended to be fun and respectful at the same time. A couple of posts were edited by the MOD , which surprised me as they were either intended to be funny or encouraging.
My wife doesn’t know about my chats and as she is much more shy than me and I’m not sure what her reaction would be… to that end, maybe Im wrong continuing… I will need to decide whether to continue based on some of comments I’ve read in this thread.?
@Kitty-Cat01
I have been married 30 years and still love my wife both sexually and emotionally as much today as ever.
Peoples Sex lifes can drop as they age , but I am determined to keep it as fun and exciting as possible and even better if possible. We are only here once…
My wife just wouldn’t have the nerve to discuss these subjects on a forum, but I’m more out going and just want to give her the best of what I can in our sex life… I’ve gained so much info in a short period of time that I’m sure will enrich our sex lifes.
Its just her not knowing and the comments in this thread that hit a nerve with me.
That sounds similar to me. I think I’m going to stay for a while and try to only share things that are about me personally (not OH) and respond to stuff that will help others / improve our sex lives as a couple rather than just fun stuff. Don’t mean to hijack the thread, please remove if needed.
