I’m a mother of 2 beautiful daughters aged over 20 - both dating and happy in their relationship but my youngest daughter said today she almost died of embarrassment after her bf found her dildo
She said he opened the draw and immediately closed it after finding the toy
She tried to explain to him it’s just a pleasure toy and not because he does not satisfy her - but she said that he just wanted to go
I told her it’s perfectly normal to enjoy toys and she needs to take him to a high street sex shop or look on here - it’s normal (possibly more normal to have a toy over not having a toy)
But why oh why are young men so afraid of sex toys …
For me it’s the same question and answer as why is it more ‘acceptable’: for men to sleep around than women; for a woman to dress in lingerie; for a man to be more dominant in bed; for a woman to enjoy anal play; or for couples to swing etc… I could go on. I think it’s one of those many things based on social ‘stigma’.
I used to be intimidated as a young adult by sex toys, and may have had an issue if my partner at the time had a sex toy. (I don’t feel this way any longer, of course.)
I’m not saying that any this is right or any of these feelings are intentional, just that it’s what I think society as a whole deems more ‘acceptable’ and what is less so. I think it’s one of those things that’s being challenged these days and is slowly changing over time, the same as all of the examples I used above.
I don’t think that this kind of gender based question is limited to sex toys or sex, but there are plenty of examples outside of the bedroom.
I can’t talk for all men, but I don’t think that we intentionally do it. I think it’s just one of those things that’s not broadly accepted. And I agree it’s stupid.
When I was younger I think I would have been freaked out if I found a girlfriends sex toy. It may have been that they weren’t talked about so much then, or easily available.
But now I’m older, and more experienced I suppose, I would be surprised if any woman I knew didn’t have one!
My OH never had one until we were older but took to vibrators/ dildos etc straight away and has used one every time we have a sexy session
And I love it
It’s not all men. I’ve bought my OH her sex toys and need to actively encourage her to use them. She had more of a stigma about it than me. I don’t understand why anyone would be afraid of them. Everyone enjoys a bit of me time!
As I said in a response to another topic, for some reason, people have got it into their heads that masturbation is some kind of admission of failure.
I guess that a young guy who thinks he is God’s gift to the female sex is going to have his nose put out of joint if he thinks of a vibrator as a penis substitute. If he was really any good at it (or more experienced) he would see it as part of sex’s rich tapestry, potentially very erotic (for him, as much as her) and GET OVER IT.
This young (at heart) man isn’t afraid of sex toys! I love watching my wife masterbate using her toys. Even better is when I’m using them on her.
A young guys insecurities can be pretty powerful. Hopefully the guy in the op gets over his before he ruins a good thing.
Just this. I mention so often my neighbour but the guy thinks he’s God’s gift to women, yet would probably put a woman out on the street for owning a sex toy. My husband meanwhile knows that I have them and often shares them with me. I think the only time he’d ever be upset with them is if he thought I preferred them to him.
@batjamboree it sounds to me like he needs to learn that women have sexual urges and needs too, and that he can’t always be around to satisfy your daughter, nor should he be. He also needs to get his head straight - it’s a dildo, not a secret lover!
I agree with most of the other’s points, the ‘why’ is probably some combination of the social stigma surrounding sex toys in many places still and insecurity (fear that he is not enough or will be replaced by a dildo).
Your daughter having an open conversation with him about it is probably the best course of action. A lot of it may be the initial ‘shock’ factor for him, and if he’s a keeper he should be receptive to a conversation about it.
I’m a young guy but was more into sex toys at the start and have more that I use regularly than my other half! It’s really about seeing toys as ways to enhance pleasure, experience different pleasures/sensations, and/or explore oneself. Not as a competition that the male ego may sometimes have, thinking you should be satisfied only by him and not need or ‘replace’ him with a sex toy (even though that’s not the truth).
There are a lot of “boys” out there cosplaying as men. That’s my hot take. Having an issue with your partner owning or using toys is a betrayal of one’s own underlying insecurity, and ranging possibly to even misogyny, at the idea that your partner may be capable of managing pleasure on their own terms.
As a man married to a woman, I’m the principal buyer of sex toys in our relationship, from the first vibrator purchased for my wife after a conversation where we expressed mutual curiosity to play with and explore, to dildos and harness briefs for pegging me. She’s an active participant in posing “I wonder if there’s a toy that will…” and expanding our range of tools for pleasure.
I guess this just falls down to education and should be taught in schools. All sexes masturbate, there is nothing wrong with self stimulation. Toys can aid masturbation. Toys don’t replace a partner but can be fun to use with a partner.
Sadly, when I was younger, I wasn’t afraid of them, per se, but if I thought a woman I was involved with needed them outside of what we were doing, I may have felt hurt by the concept. It doesn’t help that I got married about a year after high school.
When I first started dating my current wife, I remember the first time I used her bathroom, there was one sitting right there on the side of the tub. She said that she got it as a gag gift, and one of her kids must have misunderstood what it was, and left it where it was at. It didn’t take too long to find out that it may have been a gift, but it did a workout, and she likes really long baths.
Now, years later, I would much rather know that a partner is able to get off, and I realize that wanting to get off doesn’t mean someone doesn’t want sex with you.
That said, I still remember my ex wife pointing her penis shaped vibrator at me and saying “kiss it,” and freaking out about it.
Been a long time since I was a young man, so can’t offer any opinions on what they think these days. Without knowing more about their existing relationship or his upbringing, also can’t offer any true thoughts as to what he may be thinking.
As with most situations, a good sit down and open conversation between him and your daughter should resolve the issue. If he’s not willing to do that he’s probably not a keeper anyway?
for my wife and I it was actually briefly the opposite issue. She didn’t feel comfortable with the idea of sex toys as she felt like it meant I was replacing her. She still doesn’t like to use them (unless they are modeled after me) but she likes using them on me because she knows they make me happy.
I think it comes with age and experience. When youre younger not only will sex toys have been a subject of hilarity between peers but also a sign that youre partner isnt satusfied woth just you. Its strange though a lot of porn shows sex toys now.
I remember my husband when we first met and he was very uncomfortable about the subject. Lots of education later and he cant get enough of them now. He knows they are a tool. His only hang up is that women have so many more choices than men
My 18 year old has always asked questions and ive always answered openly and honestly. We have had conversations about toys and he knows how important they can be in a healthy sex life. Education is so important!
