Wife no interest in sex

Sex Tips & Talk
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Hi all

Looking for some advice. We used to have a healthy sex life used toys, lingerie etc but over the last year my wife has had no interest in sex. We hug, kiss etc but things never go further. We have had sex twice in the last year. Both in our 40s, I have discussed with my wife and she says we should put more effort in which I have done but I get the classic excuses from her ‘too tired’, ‘headache’ etc.

just not sure where to go from here, we do communicate and express our feelings but just can’t get any sexual intimacy

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Can I suggest marriage counselling?

Not sure what realistic or productive advice anyone here can give you on the specifics of your marriage.

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I can’t give any advice @Mjp1978 but I can suggest a few threads which might give you some helpful advice - I wish you all the best :blush:

Sexless Marriage

Wife has no interest in Sex

Dead Bedroom

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I agree with Gareth that looking at the marriage is the key and perhaps a counselor might be helpful. This isn’t to say your marriage is doomed. Life changes for each of us and as couples.

I’m sure you are going to get advice to spice it up, to try this sex thing or that sex thing. Usually that is not the answer. Talk with her about her life and what’s going on. She might not even know what has caused her drive to decrease or perhaps she does know.

Has life changed for you recently? Kids, job, parents, health, etc. when my wife is stressed about life our sex life takes a hit. I would stress about it thinking this is it it is never coming back. But I’ve learned putting pressure on her made it worse. What I could do was be a good husband and partner by making her life a little more enjoyable. Just hanging out with her doing fun things and forgetting about sex lead to more sex. Or her getting away with friends. Doing something new would help take her mind off of the life stress.

Best of luck. And talk to her not necessarily about her sex drive but about her life in general and listen to her.

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It is never easy and life in general just takes over. You are both in your 40’s but not aware of children, jobs, health, all of which will play an important part. The other thing is the menopause which could easily be playing its part. It is very important to work together, talk about things, share ALL jobs at home and then talk again. No blame is very important.

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Maybe she’s starting her menopause or has things on mind…

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Wife has had the menopause for years….. i don’t know whether it’s me saying/doing the wrong things, but it’s not for the want of trying. She’s never really been into toys etc, i’d like to buy the bullet for her to try, but i’m pretty sure she wouldn’t be interested. I do have a much higher sex drive, it’s now fast approaching 3 months since the last time we had sex. Just so unsure what to do. So most times now i end up masturbating in the shower on my own - as you can appreciate, it’s not what i really want ! Sorry for long message

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Hello there,

I’m a kink blogger/intimacy coach, so I hope my words can save you some pennies :blush:

Personally I don’t think you’re in marriage councillor, territory yet, and if anything, I think suggesting it could even make your situation worse. Your wife is going to hear that as “we haven’t had sex, our marriage is failing” - that’s usually the point at which spouses say “all you care about is sex”. That’s not true, I’m sure - you actually want intimacy with her.

A year of no sex is, surprisingly, not exactly “crunch talks”. On the grand scheme of things - you still cuddle, kiss, talk - you’re actually doing pretty well. A marriage councillor is probably going to look at that and wonder what the big issue is here, because asides the lack of sex lately, you are doing pretty well!

Now, let’s talk.

You say she gives you “classic excuses” but I want you to reframe that; they may be excuses to you, but they are reasons to her. You didn’t mention anywhere in your post whether she works, if you have children, caring responsibilities? Trust me, stress destroys libido like a dart destroys a balloon.

Second, does it have to be sex, or could it be, say, a handjob? I say this because both my husband and I work hard in our respective jobs (and have a very demanding Jack Russell who we adore but good grief he keeps us busy!) and there was a time when we just… weren’t doing it. And it wasn’t deliberate; we were surviving sex-free because we were both too stressed and tired for sex. So take sex off the table! Enjoy cuddling, kissing, talking, touching. Take the pressure of expectation off and just… enjoy one another again. Enjoy one anofher together: how about giving one another a massage, or masturbating together instead? That can be just as - if not even hotter- than regular sex!

Good luck, and I hope this helps :blush:

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Would she be mad if you had sex with someone outside your marriage? Or is that something you would be interested in?

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I guess you could go a few options here.

The best I can think of would be to be completely honest about your feelings while acknowledging hers. Something like, “I know you love me, but we haven’t been intimate for a long time and I miss that connection. I’m feeling confused and a bit abandoned here. Is there something I’m doing that is upsetting you?” or words to that effect.

This way, you are acknowledging her feelings, taking on responsibility for the lack (whether that’s right or otherwise, doesn’t matter) and hopefully inviting further discussion. We all wish you the best and hope you guys find your groove again soon.

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I went through the menopause and didnt take HRT due to family connection with female related cancers. Menopause can result in not producing enough wetness during sex making it painful and not enjoyable, therefore, resulting in reluctance for sex. I know that was the case for me and some women can be embarrassed about not being able to get wet enough. We introduced lube and toys and it made a big difference to us. There were other things as well but depends on how far your wife is willing to go to get her mojo back, like home treatments (red light therapy) and over the counter treatments. They all worked for me.

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@Wood-Nymph thank you so much for your words of advice. You are definitely right about not producing enough wetness for sex. She takes a ‘menopause pleasing’ tablet, doesn’t seem to work. When we do have sex ( as already said, last time 3 months ago), we do lube up, but sex doesn’t happen much outside the shower, used to be doggy, missionary, she on top - which i find very arousing. We mainly do it in the shower, therefore she’s already ‘wet’. Really wish she’d try toys, i know i’d find it a big turn on if she did. Pretty sure she doesn’t have any lingerie, which i guess is another sign she’s lost interest. If i find myself feeling horny, i’m very reluctant to ask for the fear of rejection again ! Thank you for taking the time to reply, much appreciated x

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Could be your problem, sex in the shower, as water can destroy any natural lubrication she produces and if you use water based lube then it would be less effective in the shower. Just an observation. I never used toys before but after introducing them i discovered i was multi orgasmic so that was a bonus :grin:

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I wouldn’t take a lack of lingerie as a lack of interest in sex - I don’t wear lingerie either but I have a high sex drive. Some women (like myself) find lingerie uncomfortable or impractical - even my hushand sees no practicality in “wrapping something I’ll unwrap later”. Even if she wore lingerie at one time but doesn’t like it now, she could have just outgrown idea. People are different, and people change :blush:

Also I do understand rhe fear of rejection which is why I often don’t initiate, I have the higher drive and my husband is often tired/full feom dinner/needs to sleep etc. I admittedly into a habit where I wouldn’t even try, I’d just masturbate instead.

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@Wood-Nymph don’t think she’s ever been multi-orgasmic ! Thanks anyway regarding lubrication

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@Tenshadesandme thank you for your reply and advice. Your last paragraph certainly sounds very familiar. I love to masturbate too

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I love intimacy and I love orgasms. Those two don’t always marry up for whatever reason though, and sometimes needs must. There’s nothing wrong with loving yourself :blush:

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@Tenshadesandme thank you

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