Wife not comfortable with lingerie anymore

Lingerie
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So when I first met my wife she had a fair amount of nice general underwear which seemed to be more what she thought she was expected to wear (not necessarily by me) than what she wanted to.
As her tastes changed (less thongs for example) we would both buy nice stuff for her to wear in the bedroom such as babydoll and things and every now and then she would still pick out specifically nice sets on days we would usually have sex.

As time has gone on this dissipated first. I would then try to encourage it by leaving nice sets out for her in the morning or buy her lingerie for special occasions and she once said that she doesnā€™t always feel comfortable living up to the expectation of these.

Now years on its cheap cotton knickers and Iā€™ve probably seen something nice at bedtime once in the last year.

Now I donā€™t want to sound hard done by here. We still love each other a lot and the opportunity to help her through some family problems and lockdown has made us much closer and this isnā€™t about expecting sexy lingerie every day (I know thongs arenā€™t for everyone) but it is just beginning to bother me.
I make as much effort as I can personally and try to please her in bed as much as possible but how can I help this and make her comfortable being a bit sexier?
She is aware of my specific tastes and feel it would be nice to play to that once in a while?

We have an anniversary coming up and I want to buy her something but Iā€™m worried about how this will come across and hope that it wonā€™t seem to be forceful or expectant.
Any thoughts or help appreciated.

Thanks

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All i can say is just be honest, say you love her and her body, but nice lingerie is the icing on the cake, the guilding on the lily. Buy her something that you know she will like, not necessarily what you like, but something nice and classy. Hope this helps!

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Talking to her some more is definitely the way forward. You say you make as much effort as you can in bed (which is great), but how much effort are you putting in to seducing her into bed?

From a personal perspective (and obviously I donā€™t know your wife so I canā€™t say how she is feeling), keeping your underwear and nightwear regularly sexy is hard. It can put a lot of pressure on the wearer to ā€œget it rightā€ as the wrong look could ruin the mood. (Even if the other person is thinking nothing of the sort, the worry can still be there). Depending on the types of lingerie involved, there can also be an added feeling of needing to complete the look, such as styled hair, make up etc. I skipped washing my hair today so right now I could put on the sexiest lingerie I own, the pieces I know my partner loves and yet I wouldnā€™t feel sexy enough to reveal it to him (at least not without some serious sexy mood setting first).

It is also hard to keep looks fresh and exciting. Wearing a babydoll to bed every night might be really sexy at first but eventually it will become ā€œnormalā€. However wearing lingerie semi regularly but not all the time may give off a ā€œI only want sex when I wear lingerieā€ vibe which might not be the signal she wants to send out either.

Lingerie can also be a complete faff at times. It isnā€™t always all that comfortable to sleep in (or even wear for longer than it takes to have sex in some cases). It can be a pain to get into, eg suspender clips are fiddly, basques with loads of hook and eye fastenings can be hard to do alone, figuring out where straps are supposed to go can be a nightmare (seriously anything strappy takes me at least 2 attempts to put on even on things Iā€™ve owned for ages), even items that look simple can take some wriggling into and adjusting. And some fabrics just arenā€™t all the vulva friendly. And you post makes it sound like this is generally a nighttime thing? When she may be tired or worn out from the day.

Iā€™m not saying you should give up on wanting your partner to dress up more, but just buying her stuff or leaving stuff out for her isnā€™t going to help; if anything it will just add the the anxiety. You need to find out exactly what the issues are; is it about feeling sex becomes performance she is carrying, is it a body confidence thing, is it that she just isnā€™t in to your choices for lingerie, is it something entirely different? Once you know, you can start working on solutions.

That being said, I will give you a couple of suggestions that did pop into my mind. Firstly, if she is comfortable in cotton underwear, why not buy her/take her shopping for some nice matching cotton bra sets? Nothing too cheap and nothing too sexy either. Secondly, Iā€™m a big advocate for robes. Lovehoney have a few great ones in lace, satin and other fabrics. Low effort but can be worn by themselves or over simple underwear to jazz it up a little.

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My wife has never been comfortable in lingerie etc. Iā€™ve bought her a few things and said sheā€™d look great in it but sheā€™s never worn any of them. Just depends on the individual

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I completely agree with everything @Calie has said.

You definitely need to have a conversation with your wife and talk openly about it, otherwise steps you are taking to help might actually be making it worse.

I also agree with some lingerie being uncomfortable to wear for longer than sex :joy: I have some favourite pieces than I donā€™t want to be in for more than an hour or so, let alone all day. I feel a lot of lingerie is there for the short term impact, not for comfortable wear.

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Iā€™ve had this but the other way round. I love dressing up in sexy lingerie items and bought alot which my friend loved.

Iā€™d ask if he wanted to pick something out for me to wear and heā€™d say youā€™re alright as you are. I donā€™t feel as attractive ā€œas I amā€ and wanted to wear something I knew heā€™d like so was puzzled.

When I asked him why after several times he saidā€¦ ā€œI thought youā€™d like it that I was attracted to you as you are without feeling you had to dress up for meā€

Which was really sweet but I never thought of thatā€¦Iā€™m more comfortable with myself with sexy lingerie on.

So could it be that in wearing the lingerie she feels youā€™re seeing that and not her? Iā€™m not saying you are but maybe thatā€™s how she feels?

Have a conversation out of the bedroom maybe she just needs some reassuring.

Good luck

:two_hearts::heart::two_hearts:

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Iā€™ve been in a similar place myself, so maybe my experience might help you. Complicated feelings may be involved.
I liked wearing sexy lingerie, pre-children, when I felt I had a nice body. Later, after childbirth it was definitely not for me. My mum and sis clubbed together and bought me a babydoll set after the birth of my 2nd child, when I was feeling especially unattractive and brood-mare-like, thinking it would give me a bit more confidence, but this completely backfired. I put it on, and all I could see were the lumps, bumps, saggy bits, the exhausted dark circles under my eyes etc and I absolutely sobbed my heart out. Then I put it in the trash and never wore anything like that - for years and years. (Comfortable cotton undies all the wayā€¦Fortunately my wonderful husband isnā€™t especially bothered what underwear Iā€™m wearing - he just loves to get me out of my clothes).
Fast forward another 20 years. Iā€™m much more body confident now even though the years havenā€™t been especially kind, and Iā€™ve just started buying lingerie again - for me. Because I feel sexy in it, and Iā€™m happy with how I am now.
Try not to push her too hard on the lingerie front, I suspect thereā€™s more going on there than she is telling you. And it may not be about you.

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Firstly, thanks everyone for both the experience and understanding- I was a bit worried about how this would come across.

This isnā€™t exclusive to underwear as loungewear is pretty much her constant. This is clearly something that is al about comfort which I understand.
With that in mind I did buy her some lace bralette style things and matching shorts and although she commended at the time how comfortable they were for daily wear, Iā€™ve never seen them since.

Her body confidence has never been great but has always enjoyed the reaction she got from me in certain things.
She clearly just wants to be comfortable and I love her and am attracted to her enough that this doesnā€™t hinder things for us- I would just love her to feel comfortable enough to make that effort more often even just with slightly nicer versions of daily stuff

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@Team_Copper I have been down a similar road many years ago . Due to medical issues she has not been attentive to me in many years . I still love her dearly but anything even remotely sexually related has been gone for a long time . Now days , even in my sexiest thong along with tan lines I can not compete with social media. I however are about as horny as ever . These forums are about the only place I can discuss sexual content . Hang in there and good luck .

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One thing i say to my OH is that i love her body naked or in lingerie, but the wearing of lingerie is like gift wrapping a Christmas or birthday present, it makes it that bit more special. It may be worth a try!

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I love that @WillC !

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Yeah, this is one of my things. Having no make-up on and tatty hair doesnā€™t make me feel sexy enough to pull off the lingerie :persevere:

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As a woman whoā€™s been both sides of this scenario I can see it from both yours and your partners side.

Iā€™ve put on a significant amount of weight since having an accident that has left me disabled.
The sexy, flirtatious, flexible, try everything once girl has pretty much gone because I donā€™t see myself as attractive nor do I feel attractive to my other half.

The problem is Iā€™m in pain pretty much 24/7 so I canā€™t wear lingerie etc for long periods,
certainly not all day like I used to.
Loungewear and cotton knickers are a necessity to reduce pain and give me comfort, I know itā€™s the least sexiest thing I could wear but I canā€™t sit all day in a basque, stocking and suspenders all day like I did 20 years ago!

It has taken considerable effort on my behalf to want to do this again. For me itā€™s taken years to get to a point where I want to feel sexy again, I want to wear lingerie and outfits for myself as well as my man.
Whilst my inner turmoil was kept silent my partner just thought I was brushing him off, that I didnā€™t want him or any sexual contact so he stopped trying.
Thatā€™s made me all the more insecure and fuelled my belief he doesnā€™t find me attractive anymore.

Now I know you are trying and kudos for that, its lovely you are still buying items for your wife but like others have said you need to talk to her.
She could be reading things into this that donā€™t exist, or she could be making a bigger deal of it in her head but you want know until you it and have a proper talk.

Try explaining the lingerie is bought with no expectations for sex itā€™s just because you know sheā€™ll look beautiful in it and beautiful out of it.

Good luck and just as a thought since itā€™s nearly Halloween why donā€™t you try a little Rocky Horror kink and try it yourself, at the minimum youā€™ll have a laugh about it!

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When I read your original post I immediately questioned if anything has changed regarding your partnerā€™s body that would leave her less confident.
Putting on weight can cause a big drop in body confidence for some.
Instead of trying to buy her more lingerie as a surprise perhaps focus of planning activities for you both to increase intimacy. Such as a full body massage or similar.

Buying lingerie might increase pressure and make the situation worse.

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It might be your taste isnā€™t her taste and she doesnā€™t feel sexy in that certain style of lingerie. Just ask her what she likes, it might be she like to hide a certain area of her body like belly, stretch marks, scars etc but the ones your picking out are showing these off.

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@Team_Cooper kink it up with some latex!

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Others have said it all really. but I did want to add that silk pyjamas can be sexy and comfortable, without piling on any pressure. Or a long silk nightdress. And a thumbs up for wraps, too. All these feel sensual without the concern that you are ā€˜dressing for sexā€™. Then, it can go either way.

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Thanks again for all these responses. Iā€™m sorry for such a gap in my replies, well, thereā€™s a lot going on in the world at the minute.

To go into a touch more detail,

She is obsessed with nice pyjamas generally and has quite a lot of nice satin numbers and things. I love this and she feels nice in them

I have tried to take queues when buying her lingerie from the styles she has likes more in the past and what benefits the parts of her body she both likes and doesnā€™t like

Iā€™ve encouraged it as much as I can. She knows how attractive I find her, what I personally like seeing her in (and not that I ā€œexpect itā€) and the parts of her body I love. I left some nice underwear out for her recently when I was going out for a few hours and when I got back I was met with ā€œI guess you want sex seeing as Iā€™m wearing all this uncomfortable stuff?ā€

The bigger issue is that she just doesnā€™t want to feel sexy. We donā€™t have an issue with our second life and in fact nearly 20 years into our relationship we are finding new things- which is great.
Recently he hasnā€™t done any washing and when I was cuddling her I could feel some nice lace cheekys and after while she said that she was getting changed to her pyjamas as she felt she was ā€œparading aroundā€.
Itā€™s less about being physically uncomfortable wearing in lingerie like wearing a thong for example (which plenty of people are) and more about the general idea of it even now extending to getting ready for bed. At one point Iā€™d come to bed to find her in a babydoll, chemise or bralette and matching bottoms and all that seems to have gone out of the window.

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Hi @Team_Cooper - youā€™ve had a lot of excellent input already and I doubt if I can better it or anything terribly insightful. Howeverā€¦

I donā€™t know how old you and your wife are, but I see that youā€™ve been together for at least 20 years. As others have said, your wifeā€™s shift in attitude is most likely to with body confidence, but I wonder whether menopausal (or perimenopausal) changes in hormone balance could be influencing her feelings about her body or making the idea of ā€œbeing sexyā€ something that feels increasingly alien to her. Iā€™m afraid I havenā€™t got any brilliant solutions at my fingertips, other than to say that the two of you must talk about this, must keep on communicating with each other about it, and above all listen to each other. Best of luck! :slightly_smiling_face:

Some info about perimenopause, in case itā€™s relevant:

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