If you don’t mind me asking, why is this an issue? If your sex life isn’t hindered by it, does it really matter what type of underwear she is wearing under her clothes or what she sleeps in? Obviously it is nice to see your partner make an effort (be that underwear or just general clothing) but what did you hope to achieve by leaving out nice underwear for her?
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Lots of good comments in the above, some great advice.
There’s a couple of little things mentioned I thought worth mentioning, and not sure if it will help or not.
@Calie highlighted about her not wanting to feel sexy, and why that is an issue. I would also ask when you are finding new things and enjoying kink time as it were, how is that feeling for both of you at the time? Is she feeling sexy at those times?
The other little bits were:
I was met with “I guess you want sex seeing as I’m wearing all this uncomfortable stuff?”
and
she felt she was “parading around”
It sounds like an association there.
You may not be intentionally putting her under pressure (or expecting anything), but maybe she associates wearing these items with pressure and ‘a promise’ and having to perform. I’m not saying that is your intention at the time, but perceptions are powerful things.
I guess what I am trying to say is there is plenty there to talk about in terms of what is really happening for her and agree with others saying it is all about communicating.
It is difficult to suggest much more, but perhaps back to some basics with courting and making her feeling special and sexy. Apologies if this is way off the mark, but maybe try doing some things that might help change things.
Intimate massage was a great suggestion above, perhaps setting the scene a little, you know, candle light, oils, relaxing music that she’d like. Surprise her a little, add a little romance. Cook her a little something and maybe dress up for her, let her wear her comfies if she likes.
Run her a bath with candles and rose petals after, maybe offer to dry her off. Let her put her comfies on again and have a cuddle on the sofa - but don’t instigate anything sexual.
It has to be with 0 expectation from her in any way, at the time or the future. Hold back sexually, and show it is just about her, making her feel good about herself is what matters.
Don’t do it all in a night, do little things over time, and it may change some of the associations and her wanting to feel sexy might take care of itself.
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Hey @Team_Cooper, there’s already lots of great suggestions in this thread, but the following could be helpful, maybe, if some of what you’re (both) going through is related to perimenopause: from my own experience I can say my libido fluctuated wildly during this stage, from absolute zero (for ages - poor hubby) right up to ‘can’t get enough’. At times my body felt completely alien, and so different from how it used to be that I actually felt betrayed by it. It’s a complicated, unrelIable, and ever-changing time. An emotional as well as a physical rollercoaster. At one point all my joints hurt and my boobs were so sore it was hard to tolerate even the most comfortable clothing.
Perhaps something like this might be coming up for your wife? Just a thought.
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Talk about these times with her, tell her how hot and horny it makes you seeing her her like that. Make her remember the good times and it might tempt her into trying some more.
Another thing, how about you tell her you’d like to buy her something nice (whether it’s something for the bedroom or nice stuff for everyday) look together and let her help you choose something you both like.
Also, if she feels like she is parading around - maybe she just feels that once she’s dressed up its a bit awkward and she doesn’t know what she’s supposed to do (because it can feel a bit like that, sometimes uncomfortable especially if you’re not confident in your own skin).
So sometimes to tackle that - I’ll just slip into something sexy, pop my dressing gown on and we’ll go watch some telly. Then while he’s watching telly I’ll just take off my dressing gown, he looks like a kid in a candy shop and then we take it from there.
This might take the pressure off her a bit and make her feel more comfortable but the only way you’ll be able to change things is to talk to her x
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@BDSMFetish hit the nail on the head. I don’t feel sexy in some of the things my Husband bought for me. We just have different tastes. He likes red and pink ULTRA REVEALING lingerie and I prefer other colours that leave a little more to the imagination.
Try some mood lighting in the bedroom. We stayed in a Hotel that had mood lighting and for some reason we were like bunnies the whole time we were there. So much so that we bought a light for our room. But the important part here is to find out what SHE likes and feels sexy wearing. Too often, Men buy things that makes Women look like a street walker when we feel more comfortable in something more understated. Someone else also mentioned sexy robes……great if she likes to be more covered up to begin with.