Advice on how to be more dominant

Sex Tips & Talk
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Hello all, I am looking for some advice on how to…change myself a bit in the bedroom. I’ll explain and try not to make this a novel, haha.

My wife and I are in our mid thirties, married for 11 years and have a kid. We have been together so long that it sounds crazy that I am still looking for sex advice, but I guess things have just changed a bit. Some background… our sex life could be called lacking or less than average. In normal circumstances it’s maybe once every few months. A lot of it is due to having a kid, both of us being extremely busy full time, and not having super easy access to an overnight sitter. We’ve never really been the “quickie” kind of people, so like ducking away for a few minutes isn’t really something we’ve ever done. Anyway, the sex between us has always been good, in my opinion. Really no complaints, other than it’s I guess just been a bit too…normal? Nothing really crazy ever. Well starting a couple years back my wife started kind of throwing hints that she was actually into me being the dominant and controlling one in bed. In our daily lives I would consider myself fairly timid and kind of a bit of a worrier…nervous to upset people, that kind of thing. The wife is outgoing, personable, and a bit controlling at times. She also has ADHD pretty bad. We do mesh well together normally. But lately with sex she has started to exhibit behavior that she’s kind of bored maybe, and doesn’t like things “slow and romantic” as much. A couple years ago we hung out with some friends, had some drinks, all that…and when we got home she was feeling pretty good, haha. So when things started getting heated she started saying things like “I want you to control me”…honestly whispering that to me even when we were still out. I guess it caught me off guard, and maybe I was thinking it was just because she was drunk. But it’s kind of continued on with her, little things she says here and there. We had a night away a couple months back and when we got back things started the way they normally have before…we were in bed next to each other and just kind of talked for a while. Even after all these years I still tend to get nervous and worried about pushing too hard or initiating and it being awkward. So then after a while I just kind of started just “sweetly” kissing her while she was laying down, and after a couple minutes she was kind of pulling away from me. She started talking and asking about why I was doing that, and how I was “kissing her like a goldfish” hahaha. We just started laughing about it…I was a bit embarrassed I supposed, so then I started getting more aggressive and she instantly responded to that.

I have talked to her a bit about this and the way she explained it to me is that in her daily life she is constantly making decisions and in charge of things and getting questions all day long, that she is exhausted and sick of it. So then when it comes to sex, she doesn’t want questions, she doesn’t want indecision, she wants to, like she said, be controlled. She doesn’t want to think or talk. She said talking ruins it for her in her mind and gets her thoughts racing about many other things. She never wants me to ask her “what do you want”. She wants to be told and she seems to really respond to me being more aggressive or dominating. So that leads to me asking for advice…even after all of these years this is something that’s new to me and not who I have been in the bedroom for a very long time. I don’t really fully understand how to be this way, and I worry about that line of being dominating versus being a complete disrespectful asshole. I don’t know how fully into BDSM she is really wanting to go…or anything like that. I guess I just wanted to hear from others. Does this sound like anyone else? What does it sound like she is really craving? We’re having another night out in a couple weeks and I really want to give her exactly what she’s wanting without having to ask. So help a timid husband be less timid, haha!

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@RockinDadBod well written post.

I think that you wanting to make her happy is great, but make sure you dont do anything that doesn’t feel right for you too.

Maybe start with taking control verbally.

Tell her where you want her. “Get on your knees” for example.

Or tell her “Im going to…” .

She wants you to take the lead so she doesn’t need to. I understand that.

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Thank you! And yes I understand what you’re saying. Honestly I am okay with the change, I just haven’t really known how to properly execute it. I would love to be more dominant. Believe me, hearing her saying those things was actually a huge turn on to me. Caught me off guard, but I was far from upset. I have tried to do little things and she has seemed to enjoy it…kissing harder, playing around with her body more…she also is throwing vibes that she wouldn’t be mad about me forcefully moving her around either. My whole issue is just knowing how to properly do all of that myself without at the same time coming across as, I don’t know, a jerk?

Another thing of note too is that recently this year I sort of found out that she had a vibrator, and when I brought it up to her she said yeah it was a new thing. For background there, in the many years we have been together she has always been very “anti-toy”. Now suddenly she isn’t. This past time we had sex I actually tried using it on her, which I really really want to do, but it turned into a huge embarrassing joke because, quite literally, I was struggling with how to use it properly and instead of making things hotter it just made her burst out laughing, haha, not in a mocking way, it was just funny… so maybe that’s something she would like me to get a handle on too…?

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I know exactly how your wife feels. I make decisions in my every day life, even down to where me and my dad are going for a walk.
I don’t want to think during sex, I just want to feel. Well done on asking the questions, it shows you want to please her and really thats what the root of domination is, giving a person what they want.

Let her just feel and you take the reins, you decide the positions, you decide what toys are being brought out, I know theres only 1 but where theres 1, theres going to be 2. Learn how to use the toy, check the website and see if you can find it, or if not then google the brand and check images and from there, you can get operating instructions.

Its not kind to laugh at you and say the things that she has and its likely come from frustration if she’s been asking for this for a few years.

If spanking is going to be a part of it, honestly practice on yourself so you know how hard to take it, make sure your skin is warm.
Sometimes I want pain straight away but I can only take a few spanks before I need to wait until my body has caught up with my brain.

One of the sexiest things my partner has said to me is ‘I love you, but now I’m going to hurt you’…:drooling_face:
Your wife might not be into pain, I would start off with taking charge.
It would really help if your wife would give you some pointers about what she’s wanting. She could do in a round about way. Look up a quiz called carnal calibration, it gives you a link to send to your wife and then her results come to you. So my suggestion is to wrap your wife up in a hug, gently tug her hair and pull her head back, gently and tell her that you’ve sent her a kinky quiz and that you want her to go upstairs and get her toy out and fill out the quiz. But tell her shes not to orgasm until she’s finished it.

Then you study her answers, and you know what she wants :tipping_hand_man:t2: but be ready to back it up with actions the next day.

Hope this makes sense, this is quick typing. I’ll be back to check my spelling in a bit lol

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My husband is the same he finds it hard to dominate me - as a woman I find it very easy to dominate and discipline him in the bedroom ( spanking / bondage ) as I take on a different persona . The person I become is more a dominatrix and the love aspect is removed

It’s not easy but try - if you cannot take things slowly and tell her what you are looking to do - I’m sure she will understand or she may take the lead and look to dominate you as I now dominate my husband as I’m very good at it and I feel great doing it

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Wow thank you, this is some really good advice so far. I appreciate it. And yes, I love my wife so much, and my ultimate goal is to fully please her and make her happy. Like I said, sex has never been bad at all. My wife isn’t one to fake things, and she has never thrown any vibes at all that she doesn’t enjoy it. But I do feel like she’s wanting more out of me. For me…my ultimate goal in sex is for her to be satisfied. That is honestly what turns me on the most. It’s easier for me to finish when I am seeing and hearing her really enjoying herself. During foreplay and the act itself I am constantly focused on her. The breathing, any slight sounds, tensing up…all of it adds to my experience. I’m not normally focused on things I want done to me as much as what she wants me to do to her.

The only other roadblock we ever hit is that she is extremely self-conscience about her appearance. She has a very low opinion of how she looks. I personally find her beautiful and unbelievably sexy. We’re both not “fit” people, but she is a far cry from unattractive. She’s what guys now would consider “thick”, in a good way. Fantastic ass, very naturally well-endowed… but she still is very uncomfortable with me seeing her. So I really like to try to focus on appreciating her body. She seems to want me to be more aggressive, so maybe in a way I can help her open up a bit more too?

I have been very curious about certain things that I haven’t ever tried. I’ve mentioned a few things to her that she’s kind of laughed off a little bit, but at the same time never said a distinct “no I am not into that”, such as ties, blindfold, things of that nature… also I kind of freaked out a little bit one time because I started getting really into it and during the act I started grabbing onto her shoulders and my hands kind of made their way to her neck. Afterwards I apologized, worried about being seen as trying to shine her, but she said I had absolutely nothing to apologize for…

Man I sound like such an inexperienced kid in my thirties, hahaha, but it’s exciting too. I’ll take all the tips and advice I can get!

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Hey I am curious now on that Carnal Calibration test… I’m very interested in asking her if she would do that, but I’m worried it would upset her? I don’t know… so I have tried a few times to kind of have a sex conversation with her, and recently now she has been more open about it, but it still never gets detailed at all. I know part of it is my own embarrassment and awkwardness with trying to discuss it, but answers from her are typically pretty short and to the point, not really acting like “ohhh this is really exciting for me to talk about”. But I don’t think she’s totally opposed to it? I don’t know. How do I ask her about that without making things weird? Haha

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Hey @RockinDadBod - welcome to the forum!

It definitely can require some work on our end (as men) to go dominant if we’ve spent years trying to be courteous, respectful, pursue our partner’s pleasure first so as to not be thought of as selfish, or even to be selfless lovers. So flipping the switch when assertive and dominant behavior is what is desired, and even required, to server our partner’s needs can create cognitive dissonance. Like, my favorite thing to do is go down on my wife but when she wants to be dominated that’s the last thing that SHE wants.

Great advice here all around. Using some of the questionnaires or inventory tools to get a sense of what you might add to your routine could be fun for you to push the conversations and explore what’s desired, as well as shopping together for toys and accessories.

It’s a whole other exercise in getting out of your comfort zone, but roleplay can help set your mind in a more dominant character mind if you have the space and get into that.

It’s more a dirty talk tip than explicitly dominance, but narrating what you’re doing is a great way to get more comfortable, too. “I’m going to __ your __,” “I love to __,” “It feels so good when you __.” It’s a step toward dominance, but instead of if you would normally say “will you go down on me?” but “suck my cock” is a step too far, you can say “I want you to go down on me.” As you get more comfortable and adventurous, that also creates a safe margin to explore and the option to safeword out if necessary.

You said you’re not sure if you want to go full BDSM, but remember that BDSM is actually six different components: Bondage and Discipline, Domination and Submission, Sadism and Masochism. And you can totally pick and choose which parts of those work for your play as a couple. For us, we love bondage and the power dynamics play, but discipline and S&M are kinda “meh” for now. So maybe those are things you want to explore. Lovehoney has some great BDSM kits for dabbling without a huge expense, or under-the-bed restraints are super versatile and definitely highly recommended starting point for playing with bondage.

Okay - that’s a lot of rambling, but hopefully there’s something useful for you. Keep your communication open, and especially if you have space outside the bedroom for these conversations so it doesn’t feel like pressure to perform on it immediately. I have often found it helpful even to broach new ground in writing - emailing a link to an item in the store or, “hey, I was reading this article about XYZ and wondered what you think about it?” There’s always a chance you don’t get a response or it never comes up later, but even in long term relationships you sometimes want a low stakes entry point for that discourse.

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I like my hubby to be low grade dominating, all enough to restrict but I could move if I wanted. Things like holding my wrists or arms to stop me moving (even if what we are doing is pretty vanilla), when he is behind me holding my throat or grabbing my hair, teasing and denying me what I want or the opposite, what feels like orgasm torture when I have come and he won’t move the toy away from sensitive clit until I come again, straddling my chest sitting on me so I can’t move and masturbating. Dirty talk too, but nothing degrading.
Did she start liking the thought after 50 shades came out??
Maybe start with tying her wrists and then doing your usual moves for starters, but lots of teasing stops her being in control too.

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Hi @RockinDadBod

I can relate to you both - I quite like it when my OH takes charge and just gets on with things, but as soon as he asks me what I want, I go all meek and feel a bit silly telling him what I want him to do. I liked what @LRLRL suggested about trying to say “I want you to…”, as it seems a good place to start. Also, if your wife hasn’t said no to a blindfold or being tied up, those seem like just easy, little things you could try - just like @steviefun suggests?

This bit really resonated with me though. I used to be very similar to this (still am some times) but things really changed for me when I bought my first crotchless body suit or basque. Honestly, it made me feel so sexy and soo much more confident it was unreal. The good thing about something like that is it can kind of cover up her body (if that’s what she feels worried about) and the crotchless element means you can still have easy access. Valentines day is coming up, so might be a good excuse to have a browse through the LH website, and find something you think she might like? :slight_smile:

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Or another suggestion for something to try is tell her you want to see how she uses her toy, whilst you just watch? That way, you’re being dominant by instructing her to do something, but at the same time you will get to see how it works and how she uses it on herself, which means you will have an idea on what to do the next time?

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Man some really great ideas here and things for me to think about! Now I’m even more excited for when we have our date night!!

And about lingerie, I have mentioned it to her recently and her response is always “I don’t want to waste money on that…” but yes I honestly think it’s because she’s embarrassed and doesn’t want me to see her. Looooong time ago when we first got married we actually went shopping together and picked out lingerie for her. It was really exciting and a lot of fun, and she actually wore some things too. A couple of corsets, and then some things more like teddies and such. She is definitely a comfort kind of girl, so if things aren’t comfortable she will never wear them. Back in the day she even used to have me help her pick out like undies and such as well. Nowadays, and I think a lot of it plays into her confidence, she’s like a strictly business no frills Hanes kind of girl…which I’m not the kind of guy to sit and complain about, I just wish she could open up more and see herself like I do. She’s so pretty and to see her in pretty things would just blow my mind.

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Do you still have any of the lingerie that she used to like wearing, as you could try encouraging her to wear those pieces again as a starting point?

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I wouod suggest doing what she is telling you she wants and don’t ask her, tell her :wink:

Have a look at the quiz yourself, its nothing that she needs to give detailed answers to, its more, do you want to be spanked, do you want to dress up…things like that. You both do the quiz separately, I think its a great and easy way to get a bit more info but go eith your gut.

With regards to you putting your hands on her neck, you should be able to find youtube videos on this to make this as safe as you can…bearing in mind it’s not safe.
Putting your hands over her throat and pressing can crush her windpipe, don’t do that - this is what people generally think of as choking, and this is very dangerous. Your hand should be in the same position as if you were holding a glass, your thumb and fingers are gently pressing on the sides for only a few seconds. Its harder to describe so do look it up. An alternative to that is putting on a collar, it may not work for you but I like there to be ‘something’ there. She might enjoy it, my partner puts it on me and wraps the lead around his hand, he makes a big deal of this because he knows I love it and then he pulls me towards him for a kiss, but stops just short of his mouth so I don’t get one…drives me crazy!

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Being the bloke you’ll naturally (probably) be physically stronger than her. I’m a switch myself and I really respond to feeling my boyfriend’s physical strength when he dominates me.

Depending on our mood the levels vary, sometimes it’s just mild restraint like holding my wrists down while fucking me. Sometimes it’s quite severe like grabbing my hair, forcing me down on my knees and making me sick his dick :woman_shrugging:t3: sometimes it’s just verbal like saying ‘you know I can do anything I like to you’ and that kind of thing. Everything along these lines work really well, and maybe they can give you some ideas.

But control starts in the mind. Even for example kissing her a bit more fiercely and telling her ‘I’m going to fuck you now’ can be enough and is probably going to make her soaking wet :innocent:

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I second the quiz! There’s also apps you can get that link your accounts so we use one where there’s cards you swipe “yes” “no” and “maybe” to. Only the “yes” and “maybe” cards show up on both your matches so you can easily see what is a green light.
When we did it we just had a quick conversation and gave consent to each other that we are fine with anything on the yes list to happen without prior warning.
Dominance is in the details in my opinion. There is an element of the 50 shades type things but depending on what your woman wants, it can come out in subtle ways which may be useful for you to ease in to it without changing your personality (which she loves, don’t forget).
For example (my OH and I are both switches but he leans more towards dominance) just yesterday he messaged me while I was at work “I want to give you a butt massage when we get home. I want to make you feel good”
Not your typical BDSM talk but for me it we was a subtle way of saying I’m going to give you pleasure (referring to your comment about that’s what satisfies you - she probably knows that… or if she doesn’t you should tell her) but it’s on my terms. That way it was like I’ll enjoy the act itself but the little sub in me is like doing a happy dance because hewants it that way for his own needs too. Also because I know he loves my bum so that prior knowledge from past comments means I’m there like he literally just wants my ass in his hands for a while so who am I to deprive him of that :innocent: it’s the subtle way of wording things if whips and collars are a bit overwhelming right now :joy:
So maybe, on top of the already excellent suggestions commented, you could maybe capitalise on finding the more subtle ways to be dominant. I have more examples.

If she doesn’t like talking during the act, definitely utilise a build up during the day and do all your talking then to set the anticipation. That’s what I prefer too. Just make sure you follow through.

In the sessions themselves there are loads of positions that scream more dominant. And they are all usually excellent for her too.
Definitely explore the toy thing - soooo many opportunities there.

With the body confidence issues, while that’s her battle to fight you can definitely help, I was the same. Consistent comments on how much he loves my body, and even specific parts has really helped me start to grasp that he genuinely loves it and wouldn’t want me to change. Add in some of your new dominant talk and away you go. Example, message her at work what you want to do with that beautiful body and see how you go with throwing in complimentary commentary about a body part or her body, don’t overdo it but just subtle consistency so she eventually realised at least you love it even if she doesn’t.(yet)

This is an exciting adventure, keep us updated!

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Welcome to the forum dude and great first post too! :smiley:
Sex sounds like an indulgent thing for you both and I love how you like to make the most of it rather than doing a quickie. It tells me you share great passion for the quality over the quantity.

There are so many levels and forms of being dominant and you probably can get some grand ideas off porn sites or even films as to how you can improve your dominating role in the bedroom. This is something you both could watch together and point out things either of you might like and can take note of for bedroom play.

The one main point I often say for any couple trying out new kinky stuff like this is to always have a safe word that can be spoken if things get too ott for one or the other.

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Your responses have been awesome! I really appreciate all of this help! And I will tell you, that Carnal Calibration was a freaking fantastic idea. She agreed to do it with me, and I already got results!! I found out so much…and it was a really cool way to make it all less awkward. I could definitely tell that I am more okay with a lot of things than she is, but I did find out quite a few things that surprised me about her! I just chose the “beginner” level and just a couple things like the basics, toys and BDSM stuff. So her results definitely point to her wanting me to be more aggressive. What surprised me was a few things… using a vibrator during sex…that was a yes for her, not even a maybe, and in all these years I’ve never known she was that ok with it. So it seems I’m going to need to gain some knowledge there, haha. It seems she’s good with hair pulling and light choking too…that also REALLY shocked me. Seems open to blindfolds, being tied up, and being more vocal and talking dirty. It’s crazy that all of these things were pretty unknown to me. One thing especially that kind of threw me for a loop was one question that said “would you want to be shown what your partner wants from porn” and we both put “maybe” on that. In all of these years never once have I ever mentioned her a single time say anything about her EVER watching porn…and I have never been one to ever talk to her about what I do, either. So that was…interesting?

I do have a question about it too…it says that only results would be shown if we both answered either maybe or yes…but why on some questions it showed that I answered yes or maybe…and for her it was just blank? Nothing at all. If she put No it wouldn’t have even showed it right? Just thought that was odd.

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Sounds amazing!!
I think you have a lot to work with. How exciting. Lovehoney is definitely the place for all things vibratory :joy: you guys have a lot of fun ahead.

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Carnal calibration is great, I’m glad it helped. I’m pretty sure when I did it, it only showed me the answers that we matched on. I assume from the blank response that hers differed from yours. I would still take it as a learning, whatever you said for that, she was the opposite.
Once you do a bit more, then you can do the quiz again to the next level. If you’re brave, you can set it so you get all of her answers, whether they matched yours or not. Learning more about your partner is always a great thing.

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