So now I guess I have some more specific questions and tips needed…you’ve given me some good ones so far!
So the one thing lately that I’m not so great at, especially now knowing how much she wants me to be in control and dominant, is really knowing how someone like that would want me to start things? So I mean back in our 20’s alcohol was involved a lot, and there was never really a need for me to properly set things off since as soon as the door opened she was all on me and ready to go anyway. Haha. Now, we are pretty different in our nights out, so when it comes to getting back home, it kind of gets awkward at times. It’s very much been a thing like…I go let the dog out, then I just kind of get into bed and wait there, then she’d come in and it’s awkward conversation and just kind of looking around for a while until someone does something….hahahaha. That sounds awful now that I say it… so what are some ways I can avoid that horrible start and really take charge in the way shes wanting? I don’t need like a play by play, lol, but just some tips would be nice. I get more comfortable once we get going, it’s just starting it that I don’t seem to be too good at.
Love your follow-up questions here! I’ll try to give a little feedback, and also want to note that from my experience, while it’s easy to read peoples’ comments and recounting experiences as if we must be kinky all the time, I have the stats from my last year and at least 75% of our sex falls under our routine bedtime sex. So we have plenty of that climb into bed, read for a little bit, and then kinda check in with a “wanna have sex?” before we turn out the lights. And of the 25% that isn’t that routine, a good chunk of it was regularly just the inclusion of a vibrator at bedtime, or maybe oral at bedtime, so it’s not all kinky all the time.
Here are my thoughts - tried to put in a building sort of order, but I think bullet 3 is really my short answer to your question:
Scheduling/premeditating together to set the intention. We have the conversations through the week of - “I’m really looking forward to our date night” or “I’m really in the mood to dominate you this weekend.” Just helps to preheat the oven.
We discuss the following sorts of questions through dinner, or driving home - this is the part where consent becomes sexy and a part of our foreplay. We’ll negotiate the expectations for boundaries and how assertive/aggressive to be in our play. Even if you don’t think you’re going balls to the wall, you should navigate safe words so that you know as you’re playing if you’ve gone too far, or if her resistance/fighting back/even saying “stop” is part of the game or genuine.
One of my favorite ways to transition from a date to sexy night is as we’re getting home I tell my wife to go up to the room and get ready - I describe if there’s lingerie I want her to put on or to be naked, whether to set toys out or restraints, and any other mood things. Then, like you said, I can let the dog out, do a little tidying, whatever normal evening chores might be waiting, while she’s getting prepped. (Or vice versa - she’s set the same expectation for me). Coming into the room 5 or 10 minutes later to see my wife kneeling on the bed in something (or nothing) sexy inspires me to immediately declare my intentions and tell her what I want to do (or want her to do to me).
Role playing sets up another space to plan together and transition to our play - if this is the route we’re going, we have a conversation of what’s the plan? What’s the character and setting? Who will be taking the lead or dominating? Then we will head to separate rooms to dress or undress for the play and reconvene to start our scene.
I hope that helps! At the end of the day, the biggest sex organ we all have is our brain and communication is how we get those organs to interact and our bodies are just the implements of the brain’s desires. The more that you build the communication around desires, expectations, boundaries, and joint planning the more skilled you will become at putting it all together.
I have noticed a lot with my partner who also has ADHD that sex can become a bit “boring” for them if it isn’t spiced up a bit.
You also may want to have a look into is object permanence. It’s sounds a bit silly but sometimes to my partner if they aren’t thinking about sex they sort of forget it’s an option.
In regards to initiating things an option to maybe think about is getting her some cute lingerie that you’d like to see her in and then when your about to go to bed get it out and tell her you want her to wear it and get her to give you a little fashion show. This is a good way to set the mood while being the decision maker.
Another thing you could try is earlier in the day just whispering in her ear some of the things you’d like to do to her that night and then she will be prepared and exited for it.
I’d say also just a more general thing is praise if she’s feeling like she’s doing a lot of the decision making in general day to day life maybe try praising her more in bed as well as life and then she’ll feel all around more appreciated.
It’s always a journey and I think one of the sexiest things is communication and consent so maybe just carve out some time to go through all the things you’d both like to try and where your limits are and that might give you a good idea of what she’d like more of.
I’d say it sounds like your doing a really good job so far and this could be a whole new opportunity to connect on a different level together.
I really appreciate all of your kind words and great advice!! I apologize for so many questions and seeming so naive about all of this. I just really love my wife and I really want to spice things up and make her as happy as I can. And that I’m turn makes me happy. I do really wish we could increase the frequency though…that always seems to be such an issue for us. I’m talking to her about really making it a goal to at least shoot for once a month if we could. It’s usually just a couple times a year, and honestly at one point a while back it was almost a 2 year absence…
Anyway, back to questions… a lot of you mention lingerie, and god knows I would LOVE that for her…but with how self conscience she is, how would I really know what to get for her to surprise her with…and also I worry that could maybe upset her? She’s kind of told me before that she wouldn’t “hate” if I got her something, but she would get very embarrassed if it didn’t fit, so that’s what I’m worried to have happen.
I’m sure there will be some great feedback from women who have been on the receiving end of gifting, but I can share my experience from shopping and buying for my wife.
To start, make sure you know your wife’s sizes. While every brand is different, snoop the laundry for what are the recurring themes, including bra sizes of the ones most worn. Especially numbered sizes you can use to compare to size charts online.
Regarding a self conscious wife, you can start by shopping styles that are more generally covering up, or that cover specific areas. A silky cami and shorts set, maybe with lacy detailing, is a pretty conservative entry that still says sexy. A long chemise is also pretty forgiving and you can lean sexier by choice of fabric or accents or colors. My wife has been self conscious of her stomach more in the past then now, and a flyaway babydoll was an early thing we found that covered up but also didn’t cling and made her feel sexy. My wife is also quite busty, so things with defined cups without bra sizing became a no-no as she spilled out more often than not. If she’s in between sizes, I tend to size up on top to allow for that. On the reverse of a babydoll, lacy teddys and bodysuits keep everything really tucked in and smoothed and that’s been a recent favorite as well.
Also consider personal style in choosing colors. Does your wife favor soft pastels in her daily wardrobe, or black and white? Does she enjoy bright colors, florals, or prints? For your first entry, I guess I’d suggest gifting as similar to her daily taste. Once she’s comfortable with that, you may have more space and comfort using lingerie to explore a side of herself or character different from the norm intentionally, but a wetlook dominatrix corseted bodysuit is probably not the place to start!
After all of these considerations - pick someone that you’d like to see her in. Take her comfort into consideration first, then make sure that you think she’ll look good in it and hopefully your desire for her will be clear.
Once you break the seal on some really “safe” exploration, then you can wander further out. You may have some misses as you look for the home run, but you’ll never know without trying.
I would hope that once you both have a little fun with your new dominance, that the frequency with increase
Buying lingerie for someone is quite a task, its very personal and everyone has different tastes.
Unlike @lrlrls wife, I don’t like a babydoll. They don’t suit me at all but they’re a great starting point, I liked the suggestion of a silky cami and shorts set. Kinda like a nightwear and lingerie crossover this this, I think that would be good to ease into it. This is just an example, unless she’s the size 6-8, that’s all thats left. I’m pretty sure I’ve seen a photo in the lingerie uploads of something else that could work, I’ll have a look or it’ll annoy me.
Edited to add…
It was this, there are a few different colours, it covers without being tight, its a bit flowy so shouldn’t have any issue with fit. You’d just need to check your wifes clothing size, preferably in a dress and more than one to get a good idea of her actual size. Womens clothing sizing is woeful.
Is your wifes style feminine, not so much, sporty, casual, would she want something the covers or reveals?
I’d probably skip anything with stockings for now and go with the cami/shorts, a babydoll or a bodysuit. Stick with soft cups, no underwires, something that will make her want to touch it. I love satin and lace, my preference is black, my partner loves slutty red. When I’m feeling particularly slutty, I wear the red for him
I wanted to comment briefly and say I have some ideas that I think you’ll find helpful. Some of which others have already covered. And some of which haven’t been.
I haven’t had the time to read through all the excellent advice and am about to have to go pick up the GF, but when I have more time this is a post I would like to think on and comment on as it applies closely to my relationship just from the opposite perspective.
I’m more like your GF. ADHD (and it’s obvious in my case) @JoCat can probably readily and avidly vouch for this statement. If her hand isn’t raised already with eagerness.
I’m also the decision maker daily and the one helping someone who’s almost completely submissive without an assertive bone in her body (not a reflection on you, just her). To try to learn how to be more dominant, who’s expressed the desire to try and wants to, but still struggles even when I hint around and coyly offer suggestions like it sounds like your wife has done before I had to stop reading, to write this and get read to pick her up. (My GF, Not @JoCat).
@RockinDadBod I think we are the opposite relational side of the same coin. Her and I. And you and your wife.
So I’m going to give this some serious thought before I scatteredly attempt to get all my ideas and suggestions in a format that makes sense to anyone other than me.
would advise size up if you get LH lingerie.
if she is self conscious I find a teddy (all in one) make me happier as hides my tummy.
check her current bra and clothes sizes.
also bear in mind fabric types, my daughter is ADHD and some fabrics trigger her i.e satin because she feels it catches her hands and is a bit of sensory overload
Some great advice here of what to try in regards to lingerie.
I’m definitely on the chunkier side and my personal favourite is This babydoll. I got it in a size 18 and it fits perfectly it hides what I like it to and the fabric is very soft and comfortable. It also holds the breasts very well for someone who was afraid to go near anything without an underwire .
If you think you’d rather let your wife pick maybe you could have a conversation about it and just be honest and say hey I wanted to do this for you but I thought you might like to choose what to get together. Then you can turn it into a bit of a flirty conversation going through all the options and saying what would look good on her
Start off being a bit rougher I guess. I love it when my bf goes from gentle and loving to rough. I love how his face changes and it turns me on so much. I think just start with verbal commands, where you want her, and be confident. Have you considered some light bondage? LV has some good starter sets. I love being tied up, turns me on hugely, even just being told he’s going to tie me up soon makes me so horny. Just make sure that you have a safe word if you’re going to get more dominant as no is often part of the game. Enjoy!
Hey all! As always thank you for all of this advice! I really am reading it all and getting some great motivation and ideas in my head. I’m getting really excited now to finally show my wife a bit of a different side now that I really think she’s craving. Date night is getting closer and I’m really pumped for it! I even found this awesome place to take her for part of the evening… it’s a reservation-only speakeasy, modeled after old prohibition-era places with a really cool “library” kind of vibe that even has semi-private rooms. Really cool vibe…
Anyway, I wanted to maybe get some advice on VERY beginner BDSM type things…mainly like more simple ties/blindfold, things like that. I was kind of shocked by the results of that quiz that she said she is open to being tied up, blindfolded… hair-pulling and some spanking even. That’s totally new/awkward territory for me…so any advice on what exactly I can do and how I can make it fluid and “not awkward”? Haha. I’m really, really wanting to try that with her, and she’s very open to having her vibrator in there too soooo…yeah. Lol. Help a bit of a naive guy out huh?
The speakeasy sounds great! Is this somewhere where you plan to get a bit sexy? Watch out for cameras!
A vibrator with a remote control would be great fun, you can send her to the bar and give her a wee buzz while you watch her
Blindfolds are easy but be mindful of the inside material to make sure it feels nice and don’t make it too thick as if she’s wearing makeup, she might not want it getting messed up.
Simple ties, some ribbon, again something that feels nice. A tie or the belt of a robe, have a pair of scissors close by, just in case and check that they cut! Something with a thick material to start so that it doesn’t tie as tight, until you both are a bit more comfortable with it.
I really like using every day objects as sexccessories. I have binder clips, pegs, ribbons and cabel ties in wee bags alongside my nipple clamps, needles and vibrators Have a look at what you’ve got around the house.
We are new to it too, my OH introduced bondage simply by using his hands to hold me down, experimenting with the sensation of being held down before being actually tied up. He just did this during our regular vanilla sex, and that automatically made us crave more and we are naturally progressing along our path. I’ll never forget the first time he did it.
All that to say, consider that you don’t have to go all out all at once - although I read you’d like your frequency to be more - like what @JoCat said, once you start dabbling you might find she craves more and you’ll get more opportunities. Don’t show your entire hand all at once. We like mystery and anticipation! Give her a little bit of a taste and say well there’s more where that came from.
Practically, you can use a T-shirt as a blindfold or as something to tie her wrists with. But don’t use PJs she’s particularly fond of.
Going back you your questions about getting started, I get it!
Don’t put too much pressure on it. Have fun with it, especially for the first few times. The last thing you want is that it’s become this thing you have to perform and then it becomes too much.
But, again practically, tell her you would like to give her a full body massage and start there. Don’t allow the awkward moment in to existence. If you come home just say get ready for a massage I’ll be upstairs after I’ve let the dog out.
There’s already some brilliant suggestions and I love how curious and willing you are to please your wife. Many kudos to you.
I do have suit ties, yes. Quite a few. I didn’t know if that could work just fine or if I need to buy something…. I know she has a couple blindfolds too. For sleep. Haha… I just don’t really know the proper way to use it all. I also don’t really know the “proper” way to pull hair so it doesn’t hurt her? I know she said she wants that too. I’m just scared to like yank on her hair and that kills the whole thing. Haha
Look up how to tie wrists together on youtube.
The blindfold is a bit self explanatory.
Hair pulling - don’t pull from the ends, run your hand through her hair close to her scalp and just gently tug.
there was another post the other day about hair pulling, stay close to the scalp and get her to say if too much. Don’t over think it, have things to hand.
A previous partner tied me up to the castors of the sofa with a dressing gown cord… nothing was preplanned there lol
Can I just say once again, wow, thank you all for some fantastic advice. I am sooooo freaking excited to put what I’m learning into practice soon!!!
So I’m kind of thinking I’d like to start things by giving her a sensual massage. Way back in the day I used to do that for her and she loved it. Is there a really good massage oil that you all seem to like best?? I’m having a hard time deciding on something there. I think maybe that also might be a good ease in to maybe pulling out some ties as well!
So, another silly question… in that quiz she stated she was very interested in having music on…another thing that we have actually never had before. But it kind of makes sense…I feel like maybe she wants that because it would help calm her mind and shut everything else off? That being said, what do you all do for music? I’m looking for more instrumental, lo-fi kind of stuff, but obviously playing some playlist off of YouTube and having commercial breaks randomly would kind of zap the mood. Hahahaha!!
tell her to pop some music on and then lay down for a massage… that way she will probably pick something she finds relaxing/sexy for her. I did stumble across a 50 shades esq playlist on spotify a wee while ago, sexy grindy music
Well hello all! I apologize for the long delay in any kind of update here. I just wanted to pop in and say that we had our date night and the whole evening went AMAZING…
Everything beforehand was great, and we just had a really awesome time together. We talked a bit too on how we really need to somehow try to continue this and make it more “regular” than it is now. I have to say that just spending that time with my wife, seeing her just be able to not be in a parental state for a little while was so great. It made me feel like we really were dating again. Just laughing together. The speakeasy we went to was unbelievable. It was just so cool and she was digging it from the start.
And now I will say that all of your advice really worked and was fantastic. When we got home, no more timid me. Got to the bedroom and I made it perfectly clear right away what was going to happen and she seemed to REALLY respond to it. I can tell now she does not want to be eased in to anything, or lay there and talk or what have you. When we’re in the bedroom it’s clear that it’s go time. Lol. I still feel really silly that it’s taken me so long to kind of get on this page but this was certainly a good start. Didn’t really get to do everything I wanted to…I had gotten massage oil and blindfold and ties and all that ahead of time…and it all just kind of skipped passed that. Hahahaha. But she was VERY eager to introduce the vibrator and actually was the one herself who said to go get it. That was a hell of a lot of fun. I am so excited to do this again really soon and try to introduce more… I told her afterwards about the other things I had gotten and she acted like she was certainly okay with doing that the next time. Now I just have to learn how best to maybe kick things up a bit the next time. While everything went great, I was a bit disappointed in myself that I kind of lost track of the things I really wanted to do/try and just sort of forgot it all.
This advice has really been helpful for me though, and I feel like I’m really starting to feel like the two of us are meshing together better in bed.
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