Hi everyone,
I am very new to this site and everyting like this....
I have been with my OH for 3 years and on paper we are a perfect couple BUT after six months together the honeymoon period as it does started to wane... for the last 2 and a half years I've been lucky to have had sex twice a month. I read an article last night about people who are A sexual and I think my partner might be just that.
I have had countless conversations about it, been on the brink of leaving many a time but due to loving him so much I just can't seem to do it.
I should also mention we have been and (I use the term loosely) 'trying' for kids for two years now, I don't know whether its the pressure of the forementioned trying or if my OH just is as I suspect A sexual. I always worry if I get pregnant any need for sex will go out the window in his mind and it will stop completely.
I try to iniate things, but I get a peck and he gets up and walks away. I have been in tears and as I say I have threatened to leave. He then gets angry and says sex is not the be all and end all of a relationship but to me it is a very important part and not having sex puts me in a mood today I am the anti christ incarnate after nearly 2 month of no nookie and I have just purchased a vibrator for the first time ever. He walked in seen me on removed with an article a friend had printed out for me about the benefits of masturbation and barely questioned it. Its so frustrating and I really don't know what to do. Many a day I feel like leaving as feel I could cheat out of longing to be touched and to be made feel sexy and it makes me feel like a nymphomaniac for thinking this way...
Any advice, tips or similar experiences would be most helpful
Would he be open to couples therapy? From the sounds of everything going on, you both might benefit from it. Sex is an important part of a relationship, and over the course of a marriage its normal for things to wax and wain, and even for your libidos to be mismatched at time, but this sounds like a more serious issue for the two of you. You have to find some common ground.
Good luck! I hope can find a way to work on it together.
First of all its asexual not A sexusl, like how it's homosexual not Homo sexual. Sorry I'm asexual (ace for short) and that made me cringe a little.
Without knowing your OH I can't tell you if he is or isn't. The only way you'll find that out is to sit down and have a serious conversation with him about it. It's possible he doesn't even know that he is himself, we are poorly represented at the best and invisible at the worst.
If he is ace please remember that he isn't choosing to be ace and there is no reason why he is, same way people can't help if they are gay.
Honestly the only way to actual deal with this is to sit down and talk about what each of you wants/needs in terms of intimacy and sex etc. If it turns out that the two of you need completely different things that's fine. It might be better to break up, I don't know. Discuss the possibility of having an "open" relationship where you can get the physical release you need without having to cheat. There is no easy answer here you have to just sit down and talk it through.
For me personally I wouldn't be comfortable in a relationship with an allosexual, non asexual person, over paranoia about my OH desire for sex, but everyone is different.
Last thing about the mastirbation thing don't worry about it at all. People who are in relationship still masturbate so he probably figured you needed some release.
Hope my rambling advice helps.
You should sit down and have a relaxed conversation about things. Explain to him, thoroughly, why you are upset and not having sex more frequently. Is it because you just want to have sex, because you want to be more intimate with him, you are feeling abandoned etc etc, and ask him to explain, thoroughly, why he doesn't want to have sex more frequently.
I have to disagree with likebunnies, I don't think sex is so much an important part of a relationship, I think it's more intimacy that's important and that can be achieved in other ways.
My husband and I have been together nearly 10years, and the first year of our relationship we had sex at every opportunity. We don't now, in fact I couldn't even give you an average, we just have sex as and when the mood takes us. (I am 9months pregnant and we haven't had sex since February/March.) Do I wish we had sex more frequently? -At times, yes, I can get quite snappy sometimes. Are we unhappy in our relationship? -Absolutely not, we love each other very much and there is no one else more compatible for me, we work well together in our every day lives and for me, I'd rather come home from work every day to a cuddle and a chat with him that sex with anyone else.
Its not nice when you feel like you need a cuddle or to be touched by the person you love and they don't offer you that.
If the two of you can't talk about things write him a letter so he can read it when he has time to sit down and actually absorb what your trying to tell him. Don't give it to him as he's rushing out the door to work or the pub etc.
Being together for 3 years is when you first start to get bored or fed up with each other and notice the real problems and sometimes they seem worse than they really are.
I hope the two of you can talk and be open with each other.
Maybe buy some toys to share to see if this spices things up to.
We're actually in the middle of Sex Therapy for the exact reasons you mention here and it's helping brilliantly.
Without knowing what the root of the problem is, you won't be able to get to the bottom of it. If your sex life has slowed down since trying for children, could that be the real reason? Maybe trying for a baby has changed sex in his mind and he is feeling added pressure.
Many people find their sex lives slow down once the honeymoon period is over and everything gets comfortable, but you can get it back on track. Try to sit down and talk things through without throwing blame around or getting angry, even if you are feeling understadably frustrated. Best of luck with it all x
I spent three years in a relationship with very little sex. This was my choice and, whilst I won't go into the reasons why, it was not in any way why our relationship broke down. However, she did keep asking for sex and I didn't want to which I found extremely irritating. I did explain why I wasn't interested and that is probably what you need to do. Either sit down and chat or go to therapy and find out why he isn't interested. He may be asexual or it may be that he just isn't interested in penetrative sex.
Six months for us without sex previously two and a half year, we've been together nine years this year, I've given up now at least I still get cuddled even if it's a non sexual way. Ill health has taken what little interest my hubby had, good lucky in finding either middle ground or a solution. Toys crushes are my way of coping we had words last year he got jealous of my crush I flipped said I was fed up of being a housekeeper. At Christmas I mentioned a sexy Santa outfit he said why would I wear that?. I gave up then, I'm trying to feel sexy but it's hard, must try and be sexy for me if no one else. Hugs lots of them.
Sanguine_bazaar, I do apologise I meant no offense it's all very new to me.
Thank you all for the advice, he's not in to toys or anything different. He always puts it down to work schedules etc... A letter might be a good idea. He wouldn't do sex therapy he won't even say the word sex when I talk about it with him.
Kitten cub I'm so sorry I feel your pain, I get cuddles and the odd peck but it's not the same, to me a relationship is being intimate in a way with no one else. I think I have to have a long chat again and if nothing happens ill have to walk before I cheat.
CharlieDB wrote:
Sanguine_bazaar, I do apologise I meant no offense it's all very new to me.
Thank you all for the advice, he's not in to toys or anything different. He always puts it down to work schedules etc... A letter might be a good idea. He wouldn't do sex therapy he won't even say the word sex when I talk about it with him.
Kitten cub I'm so sorry I feel your pain, I get cuddles and the odd peck but it's not the same, to me a relationship is being intimate in a way with no one else. I think I have to have a long chat again and if nothing happens ill have to walk before I cheat.
To be honest last year if a Peter Capaldi look alike had come along how I'd have kept hands off him id never know cheating isn't an option I love hubby but dream of being held, ravaged sometimes. I'd love a good seeing thank God for crushes. I've made a two foot 12th Doctor doll, if I could get away with it I'd make a life sized one just to cuddle and wrap myself around. But I think hubby would flip.
No offence caused really just for your own information, if nothing else. I really hope you figure it out one way or the other
I am so sorry you are going through this. Might a suggest a few other reasons he may have reduced "drive" such as depression and / or testosterone lacking?
This is a pretty common reason for a man to have a reduced sex drive that may be the root cause of these issues? I am also nto trying to sterotype, but it may be hard for him to even discuss these things or admit anything is wrong.
If you cant get through to him via crying /. talking I would also be a plus plus on the couples theraphy recommendation.
I agree with very much with what all the other posters have said. I really do think that you need to have a talk perhaps over a nice dinner and to try and find some common ground. There could be many reasons for the way he feels and your mission if you like is to try and find what the problem is as it is something he could be hiding ( I don't mean another party here ) . Once you have identified the problem then you can both work out ways of sorting it out . Perhaps you just both need to reignite that spark but I wouldn't rule out counselling .
I agree with the comment sex isn' t everything in a relatiionship and that intimacy is perhaps more important. In my own situation my sex drive tends to be lower at this part of the year but that doesn't mean ingnoring my partner. I will still have sex if she wants it but she will have to initiate it . I still carry on rapping her bottom if she is bending over and we always kiss and cuddle each other when watching TV together. Perhaps its the intiimacty side and the touching of each other in your every day acitivities together that maybe you need to look at .
I too agree with most of what's already been said.
Ok, so he says that sex isn't the be all and end all of a relationship but surely wanting your partner to be happy is ? Could you posibly, as has been suggested, write him a letter ? It'll be easier for you as you wont end up crying in front of him and have to deal with him getting angry and shouting. Also he will have time to digest it and have a think. Try not to be accusing, just explain that you love him so much and it hurts badly when you really need to be intimate and he doesn't respond. A kiss and a cuddle every so often goes along way towards feeling wanted as much as sex itself.
Hope you can get it sorted xx
Thank you everyone. He is going to see the docs on Thursday to make sure all is ok with his swimmers because he finds it hard to understand why I'm not getting pregnant... I know twice a month ain't gonna do it with lazy maybe dead swimmers from lack of action.
I will broach the subject after doctors visit because I know he'll be highly sensitive to any sex related topic.
He knows it hurts and upsets me and he even admitted if he doesn't up his game I will leave which I didn't deny.
I may just leave my new toy lying around and if he questions it ill explain I need seeing too mor regularly than your willing I won't cheat so "say hello to my little friend" ;) is it wrong to fantasise about someone else while masturbating? I find it a bit painful to imagine him doing what I want him to knowing he won't....
CharlieDB wrote:
Thank you everyone. He is going to see the docs on Thursday to make sure all is ok with his swimmers because he finds it hard to understand why I'm not getting pregnant... I know twice a month ain't gonna do it with lazy maybe dead swimmers from lack of action.
I will broach the subject after doctors visit because I know he'll be highly sensitive to any sex related topic.
He knows it hurts and upsets me and he even admitted if he doesn't up his game I will leave which I didn't deny.
I may just leave my new toy lying around and if he questions it ill explain I need seeing too mor regularly than your willing I won't cheat so "say hello to my little friend" ;) is it wrong to fantasise about someone else while masturbating? I find it a bit painful to imagine him doing what I want him to knowing he won't....
No it isn't wrong I fantasize about my crushes all the time I stopped dreaming of hubby years ago, although I still love him he's not sexual any more, hugs I know exactly where your coming from no pun intended.
kittencub wrote:
CharlieDB wrote:
Thank you everyone. He is going to see the docs on Thursday to make sure all is ok with his swimmers because he finds it hard to understand why I'm not getting pregnant... I know twice a month ain't gonna do it with lazy maybe dead swimmers from lack of action.
I will broach the subject after doctors visit because I know he'll be highly sensitive to any sex related topic.
He knows it hurts and upsets me and he even admitted if he doesn't up his game I will leave which I didn't deny.
I may just leave my new toy lying around and if he questions it ill explain I need seeing too mor regularly than your willing I won't cheat so "say hello to my little friend" ;) is it wrong to fantasise about someone else while masturbating? I find it a bit painful to imagine him doing what I want him to knowing he won't....
No it isn't wrong I fantasize about my crushes all the time I stopped dreaming of hubby years ago, although I still love him he's not sexual any more, hugs I know exactly where your coming from no pun intended.
As I said on rant thread I'm giving up thinking sexually course I'll still masturbate with a gorgeous 12th Doctor around hard not to, but no more lingerie or toys no point if one breaks ill replace it but I've been feeling rubbish again lately today I thought right that's it give up sexual stuff in this relationship what I haven't got I won't miss, Emptied all wishlists will still post here but sex unless a quickie self one is dead in this house eventually ill be too old anyway and Yes I'm making my bigger doll.
For me its sounds likemore of a confidence/ anxiety thing in your OH . Trying for a kid does add pressures. My wife will kill me if she reads this but when we were trying she was into all sorts of charts and even standing on her head at one stage. I missed an important tournament game of darts becasue sex had to be done now.At this point I did feel a bit like a lab rabbitt and I told my Mrs enough is enough . I am not saying you place all these pressures on him on the contrary but just the thought of trying for kids can cause anxiety in a guy especially if deep down he doesn't think he is ready .In my case once my Mrs packed up all her silly charts and callenders away and started being more "sexy" again she conceived our son within a couple of months having sex around twice a week .Another thing to note the more times you have sex the more diluted his sperm will be .
Perhaps once he has been to the doctors it is something you can talk about . But thinking of leaving him does appear to be a bit harsh to me when its possibly support he needs .
Good luck