Bye for now friends

[KitKat]

@Mrs.John self care is important during these times, sending lots of love .

[JoCat]

Yes! Love this

[KinkyMira]

@Mrs.John

So much for the forum break. I need you all so much.
I had a moment last night where a calm feeling just came over me, like something external telling me that if he doesn’t want to be with me then I don’t want to be with him either.

Ah, the calm moment. I always think that means your brain is finally starting to see the wood for the trees. Always a good sign.

@Mrs.John

I have put everyone first for many years and lost myself to an extent. This isnt the woman he met 24 years ago. But I saw a glimpse of her last night.

And I love her already. It is all too easy to lose yourself in these circumstances.

@Mrs.John

I slept well and when I woke up this morning I told him that I am willing to try but ultimately if he doesn’t want me then I don’t want him either. I have also told him what I expect regarding the house etc if we can’t fix this. He agreed to everything.

Sounds like he’s being reasonable. That’s a great start.

@Mrs.John

He is surrounded by fit (in all aspects) women because of his hobbies / sports and he has admitted that he has felt tempted. I believe him that nothing has happened not even messages with anyone, but the temptation is there.

He has been hit on several times by various women over the years and always been horrified and told me. He is scared that if that happened now he would be tempted.

You know, he does come across as trying to do the right thing (at least on what you are saying). He does seem genuine, which is good if it true.

@Mrs.John

Time now for me to work out what I want.

Please know I am fine, shock worn off - Im back!!

Bloody marvellous. We’re here for you. Time for you to start being less Mrs John and more Ms Whoever-you-are! xxx

[Knight1119]

Oh no @Mrs.John, I’m so sorry to hear that, I really hope everything works out for you, we’re here for you

[KinkyMira]

@Mrs.John

@KinkyMira thanks for taking the time to reply like this.

My pleasure. Anything I can do…

@Mrs.John

The only bit that really confuses me is how our sex life has remained so great (until very very recently). He said we “have always had fun” in that department. For me sex is far more than just fun, an expression of love and passion. But who knows.

People get different things out of sex, and indeed, what people get changes over time. There are all sorts of reasons. The sex may be the last thing that made him feel close to you. It may be that he thought, through sex, he’s sort himself out. It may just be that it has always been great and was still great, even if other feelings have changed.

If I’m honest, I wouldn’t concern myself with that sort of analysis - it will only twist you in knots. If you can, be happy that it was good for the both of you right up until this point. You have, at least, shared that.

[Mr_amp_MrsDLPS]

@Mrs.John we are so sorry to hear this.

Fortunately there is no third party whichnis such a blessing in such circumstances. What I (Mr) learnt was that if one partner says they want to leave, then trying to persuade the other to stay is fruitless.
It will hurt but i promise you, you will get over it, get stronger and meet someone new.

[KinkyMira]

@Mrs.John

My understanding is currently that he thinks the grass maybe greener elsewhere but knows if he leaves and is wrong I may have already locked the gate on him.

My husband’s father thought the grass was greener, then came back, then went again. All in all, it left his mother as a shell. I’ve always taken the “never go back” view. So, whilst you are in counselling, that’s fine, but if you actually sensibly decide to split, for me, that would be it. He can’t have his cake and eat it, he can’t keep you hanging on in hope. That’s cruel. If he did decide you were the one, and you got back together with him, you’d still always be looking over your shoulder, and that is no way to live.

@Mrs.John

Counselling seems to be the best way to try to work out what to do next. I wouldn’t ever beg anyone to stay with me, Id always be looking over my shoulder if I did.

Agreed. Got to be worth a try. But if you did beg, that would change your relationship too, giving him more power, and probably more reason to look over your shoulder.

You’re deserve better than all that over the shoulder looking xx

[EmmaC1989]

Sorry you’re going through this. I don’t think we truly know anyone do we?

Has he said what’s changed to make him feel differently?

People might not agree with me but him calling sex just fun knowing sex means much more to you is cold and unfair and lack of respect for you.

[Mrs.John]

Absolutely, if Im honest I think we are done, just want to say we tried.
He has had months to think about all this. First I knew something was wrong was Thursday night.
Our Son is in the loop as much as he needs to be, he is sad but ok which is my main concern right now.

[Gazza_64]

Sorry to hear it hun you know your supported here there’s no point in pushing against a locked door ! @Mrs.John good luck hun

[AJSTAR]

Holy cows!! That’s gotta have hit like a bombshell for you
I’m really sorry he’s all a sudden said that and hope it can be fixed again. Maybe it’s a case of trying to discover what and when did it change for him and how that can be resolved…

Take good care of yourself and hope to have you back here soon and happy again

[Mrs.John]

@AJSTAR we have had a really good talk today. Think I have a better understanding of when this started. We have both got things that we need to change (for ourselves not specifically for the relationship).
Im a little more hopeful that we can move past this. Who knows.

Thanks again for the support all x

[Gazza_64]

@Mrs.John @AJSTAR looks like we have gas a momentous week for us all for very different reasons let’s all hope we can move forward together the three musketeers

[Iwill]

@Mrs.John … You said you met 24 yrs ago.
So from my understanding of your age, you were both fairly young when you got together.
There can come a time( both men and women) , where one or possibly both, can feel like they missed out of playing the field when it was their time to do so.
Jump forward to their mid forties and this can be come more than a nagging doubt , and be come an obsession.
The important thing for both parties to remember is, you dont always appreciate what you have until it isnt there.
If possible, could you take some time away together just the two of you.
Talk it out every last aspect ( non judgemental).
It can be a period like this together, that can make people fall in love again.
If lust is eating at your hub, he would do well to think on how lonely life might be, once the initial passion of a new romance subsides.
I really hope you can find a new beginning.
Just tell him , as the song goes, " you dont know what you got till its gone." X

[Honey-Bear]

So Sorry to hear your news, must have turned your world upside down. Sending you massive hugs.

We have a friend, who was in a very similar situation as yours. She felt like her husband had pulled the rug from under her, such a shock when he told her.
They went the therapy route instead of calling in the lawyers. First thing the therapist did was sent him to their GP to check his blood etc to see if he was deficient in any hormones, vitamins, minerals etc which he was and after he was given the medication their therapist suggested he moved out to give them both time and space to heal. The therapist told them to go right back to basics, start at the beginning and go on dates. They were to spend time together getting to know one another again, learning likes, dislikes, to have fun and enjoy each other’s company away from the stresses of home life. They did this, after a few months he started to stay at the family home at the weekends.
(He saw their children all the time as his flat was near their house, his children visited whenever they wanted, they were very careful to keep the children out of most of their drama)
Long story short, this went on a while until he was back staying in the family home more than his flat. They still see the therapist, but less often more like maintenance visits, but they as a couple are happier and stronger.

Really hope everything works out the best for you both and you find your happiness. XxxX

[Mrs.John]

@Iwill absolutely some things you said are spot on. I was a rather experienced 21 year old many previous partners. He was 18 and far less experienced and he fell hard.

We have both changed obviously, particularly me since lockdown, Im more anxious, less sociable, bit of a neat freak.

I think both factors above have played a part in getting us here.

We want to try, counselling really seems our only hope (along with both working on ourselves).

[Mrs.John]

@Honey-Bear thats really interesting. I recently had full blood work as an “MOT” advised by my doctor, all clear. I may suggest it x

[Honey-Bear]

Their therapist described it a bit like a female menopause but for men, guess that would make it a menmenopause? X

[JoCat]

I hope you get passed it and come out stronger for it with some honest communication. Counselling will force you both to be really upfront with each other and it may be a bit brutal at times, as honesty sometimes is.

If you’re both going into it truly wanting to fix it, then that is half the battle.

You have us for ranting and support x

[Happylife_46]

So sorry to read this @Mrs.John i hope that you can both work through whatever issues you have and come back stronger together