Confidence

I’ve had 2 children, and since my second child’s arrival, there is literally nothing that I like about my body.
I’m smaller than I was before pregnancy but my body just looks different somehow.
My husband loves me and doesn’t share my Point of view but I just cannot find my confidence and cannot relax as I feel so self conscious!! How can I get past this?

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It’s a common thing, sadly and you really need to see yourself through your husband’s eyes. Take a look at the Body Confidence topic, i hope it helps! :slight_smile: Body Confidence

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This is one of those occasions where the woman is 100% wrong.

On the subject of the wifes body, hubby is always right. Always!

My suggestion is to try various different styles and types of underwear and lingerie.

Once you feel more confident in the underwear / lingerie, confidence out of it will follow.

Trust me, i’m a husband :rofl:

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I refuse to believe he’s 100% right, out of principle :rofl:

I just want to be able to put something on and prance around, tease him etc with confidence. At this rate I can’t even show him what it looks like. I just don’t know how I’m supposed to change this from within. I could literally cry. I feel like such a faliure as a wife.

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I tell myself this repeatedly, I just don’t believe it.

Try a bodystocking!

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Welcome to the forum :hugs:

I hope you can find your confidence again and come to love your body. :blush:

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I was in the exact same position as you are now, except not smaller (I wish ) I’m a size 22/24 so after having 3 children, to me my body got worse, but to my husband I was just as beautiful now as I was then. I found it hard to believe too, but you have got to see yourself through his eyes, once I got out of that headspace and started to listen what he was saying and what he was seeing, my confidence grew and grew. I’m now wearing all sorts of lingerie, and I believe him when he says that he finds me sexy in whatever I’m wearing, then I get more confident, I could see it in his eyes. And I totally agree with hanoirocks. You will get there, but please listen to your husband and see yourself through his eyes.

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Disclosure: am husband.

I don’t think I have an answer for the body confidence angle - my wife has struggled to be comfortable with her body as weight has fluctuated over the years between school and work stresses, pregnancies, two kiddos, lockdown stresses, work stresses again getting in the way of healthy habits - I just don’t have an answer there. Bodies do change after kids, she’s struggled to get her weight where she wants, even though she’s the same “shape” she’s always been, just a little more than she wants. And I’ve certainly gotten in the way of her healthy view through the years of making hurtful comments when I shouldn’t have, and overcoming my own pornography addiction which impacted her view as well…

The other struggle we’ve found that you didn’t say directly, but might be hanging under the surface for you, too, is the challenge of getting into a sexy mindset. My wife works hard all day for her job, and then the rest of the evening the kids want her attention and affection (I’m primary parent in the afternoons/after school times, and we share bedtime routines). It’s hard for her to make that switch magically from “kids hanging off of me mommy supreme” to “seductress in the night.” We try to carve out the time for her to disconnect and find the right headspace to be herself and give attention to her pleasure. For us that looks like me wrangling the kids away so she can get a long hot bath to herself to unwind, or along backrub/massage, or we put on a light or romantic movie and I play with her hair through the whole thing… helps if we can get the kids out of the house, too. It doesn’t help her worry about a little extra tummy jiggle or whether things are sagging where they didn’t used to, but it clears away all the rest of the daily noise. And then she can be in “sexy mode” and we can let the desire take over.

One more pretty superficial deal is wearing lingerie or outfits (if roleplay is your thing) that mask areas you’re not confident about. When we get into sexy headspace, then we can pull out something to wear - she feels good in a corset that pushes her boobs into the stratosphere and tightens up her middle, or we have some bodysuits and teddies that really just smooth all the lines and hold things tight in place - the sexy then takes over.

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@Dirty-Wife thank you for your reply. It’s always nice when someone has experienced the same thing and come out of the other side.
I’m so glad you know what a goddess you are, I just don’t see that ever coming back for me.
I went crazy on black Friday deals and it’s all sat unpacked, and causing me great anxiety. My hubby knows it’s there and is being very patient.

I always find it to be a subject I avoid too, I do anything to divert the conversation. I just don’t see a light at the end of the tunnel.

@LRLRL an interesting POV. I have no reason, other than my own self doubt, and yes perhaps being a bit overwhelmed by the children and every thing else that comes with it.

My profession has lead me to see a.lot of sadness in the last 2 years so I’m wondering if this has had a negative impact on my mental health. I feel well in all over areas, just not my sexual wellbeing. The very thought fills me with panic.
I’m going to book myself in for some TLC, nails, hair etc and try and see myself in a better light. X

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Mental health is huge, and self-care is so important! Both the pampering kind (get the massage, do the nails) and the daily maintenance kind (daily workout is non-negotiable for us both, which means showers aren’t just for special occasions either).

I’ve been in counseling for about 18 months now, too, and one of the things that keeps coming around is just the idea that yes, “right now” is a lot. COVID, politics, lockdowns, health concerns, parenting on top of it all - is a lot. And it’s hard. And there’s nothing wrong with you (me) for acknowledging it’s hard.

Cheering you on from afar.

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How about keeping all those new things packed up until you are ready to try them? Maybe give yourselves a couple of months (or however long you need) to cuddle up in front of Netflix in a fluffy dressing gown. The main thing is to keep an intimate connection, and that doesn’t have to be sex. It can be snuggles on the sofa, foot rubs, holding hands, candles, a bath just for you, and so on.
It is intimacy which counts - the rest will follow, and that is hard enough with little ones and with changing bodies (we all face that in the end - plenty of couples in the 70s & 80s out there).
Keep talking to each other.

What works for you as a couple, in terms of feeling relaxed and happy together? For some it is physical, for others it is food, or films, or conversation. Do what you do best to relax together for a while - the rest will follow in time.

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Such a horrible thing to read, and sadly a more common thought than we’d like to think.

Hell, after 2 kids (i put on 1 stone after each of the kids my wife gave birth to), 1 lock down (another stone I certainly didn’t need)… I carry some extra weight for sure.

I do worry I don’t offer the best eye candy for my wife’s eyes…

I also never was Brad Pitt or anything like that, and my body is just an overweight average human body. Life isn’t Hollywood, Instagram or whatever else, our bodies are functional (how romantic!!!) We eat, breath, and have kids and get through life.

(I’m great at pep talks)

Whilst you are there thinking you aren’t good enough, he’s probably thinking he can’t wait to get in your pants.

My wife’s body has changed too, she has a bit of stomach now (not as much as me), and I love it!!! Her bottom is bigger, a bit wobblier (so is mine!!!) And I love it!! (The jury is very much out still for mine… or so I think, because that’s what’s in my head).

I know I offer her a pale version of what I used to be in my 20s, but we love each other, and once you discount body hang up, you can actually concentrate on body function, including those fantastic very sensitive parts that like to be stimulated one way or another, together as a loving couple.

It’s difficult, but those hang ups are mostly all in our heads only. Whilst he looks at you, you might be thinking he thinks you don’t look like you used to, whereas he’s most likely thinking he’s so lucky to be with you, and wishes to get his hands on you…

I’m not sure this is helpful at all, but body insecurity, and the fake image of what should be the reality is something that real gets to me.

When you’re in the mood, naked or dressed, give him a bottom wiggle and see his reaction… or push your boobs together at him provocatively… you’ll soon have him running to you.

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If you have bought loads of stuff, and i don’t mean to be patronising.

Be brave, take a deep breath and jump! It’s not easy, and women aren’t the only ones with body image issues.

Some of us men also know how hard it can be to be happy with our bods or feel ridiculous in sexy undies or regardless of how “fit” the OH says we are just feel flabby and wobbly.

He will love it, because he loves it, you’ll love it, because he loved it, which made you love it, you’ll do it again.

As daft as it sounds, and i know we are all into different things, sometime doing something out of your comfort zone can give you the biggest boost.

As in, nervous about him seeing you wearing it? want a genuine response from him. Surprise him. One thing I have gathered from this forum is regardless of shape and size we all think our OHs are sexy as F#%K.

Try it all on while he is out, try not to use a mirror to start. Just try stuff on and see what feels nice. Some people like basques & stockings others feel trussed up and restricted in them, some like babydolls and “floaty” stuff.

Pick what feels good, and jump (then be jumped)

Whats the opposite of a vicious circle called?

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Hi @Spiceitup1, welcome to the forum :smiling_face_with_three_hearts::wave:

Sorry to hear you feel this way. I’ve felt the same about my body for a long time but for different reasons to you. Do have a look at the thread that @WillC shared, it’s got a lot of very positive comments from people sharing what they find attractive about their partner’s body and it’s not what I was expecting to read. I’ve found this forum really helpful over the last year or so. It’s taken a while and I’m still not 100% body confident but I’m so much happier with how I look despite the fact that my body is exactly the same as it was when I joined the forum. The positivity of the forum members has been the biggest influence on my confidence. Enjoy your pampering session! I love getting my hair and nails done too! Big hugs x

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As a man it is so frustrating when ladies feel like this. What makes women so amazing is that what ever size, shape, colour you all have different features that make you so sexy in your own way that others don’t. I have had this with my oh, her shape has changed over the years especially after our 1st child recently. I have never not found her sexy as hell. Making her believe that I really mean it when I tell her I how much I want her hasn’t always been easy. Do believe it when you are told that cause I guarantee you your partner really does mean it

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Confidence will come back to you, try and view yourself as your partner views you! I had huge confidence issues when I met my partner nearly 2 years ago. I’m in my 40’s have had 4 children and had breast cancer 5 years ago. I’ve got an implant so in clothes you can’t tell! However undressed, I have one nipple (and a tattoo’s nipple on the mastectomy side). I was dreading him seeing me, and really couldn’t believe that anyone would find me attractive. But he made me feel loved, he pays attention to my implant side, even though it does nothing really for either of us, he makes sure I feel loved all over. Gradually I started to believe that I could still be attractive, I don’t know what the turning point was, but slowly things started to change in how I felt about myself. I now wear sexy lingerie, although I do resist open cup lingerie, and I truly believe that he loves me as I am and that in turn makes me feel good about myself.

When those doubts creep in, remind yourself of his words to you, if you start to overthink, try and force yourself to focus on something else, as overthinking never brings a positive outcome. I say that as someone who is a champion overthinker and trying to stop it overtaking my thoughts xxx

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