Body confidence

Off-Topic Chat
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Good morning Lovehoney members.

Body confidence is something my partner has struggled with for a while now. She hates how her body looks and compares herself to others about how she ‘should’ look or a weight she ‘should’ be.

What doesn’t help is that im on the other end of the spectrum being rather skinny. My partner thinks that if shes on top she might break me or hurt me being bigger. I’ve always been skinny and thats just down to the way my metabolism works.

I bought my partner some new LH lingerie over the weekend and she loved the gesture of me buying them for her. I thought new lingerie, in some way, may help slightly with her body confidence, if anything it did slightly the opposite.

What advice could anyone give to us to help with body confidence and to help my partner, and myself, feel better about our bodies and more confident with being naked and having sex.

Thank you for taking the time to read my post.

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I think the gesture of the lingerie was lovely but may be the style was not right for her. Lots of ladies have said things like body stockings assist their body image. The other thing is get her to look at the photo’s on here. She will see all different bodies and all are admired and liked.

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Body confidence is something that I once struggled with as a teen, but I slowly started experimenting with colours and styles of clothes, and probably most importantly, I started normalising what I looked like to myself.

It might sound a little weird in the way it’s worded, but it’s best to be comfortable with yourself before managing to be comfortable with someone else. I once hated the thought of looking at myself in the mirror, especially naked, and thought that was the same way everyone else would see me. Growing up in an age of social media filters and editing, it’s tough for people to be comfortable with ourselves. It took me a very long time to stop comparing myself to others, and to just embrace myself.

I would probably start by maybe hyping her up outside the bedroom? Small, but meaningful compliments go a long way in building confidence (eg. that dress/skirt/top looks really nice!)

It might take a while, but gaining self-confidence is rarely an overnight thing. Just remind her that there’s no weight anyone ‘should’ be, and that if everyone looked the way they ‘should’, then the dating pool would be pretty flavourless!

Something that really stuck with me was a folklore story I was once told (I believe it’s Japanese, but I’m unsure of the exact origins), that the face (and body) you have currently is the one you loved in your past life. So if you loved it so much then, why not now?

Also in regards to her worrying about breaking or hurting you, that should fade as she gains her confidence and gets more comfortable in her own skin. You can also try encouraging her a little, and making sure to check-in with her to ensure she’s all right.

Hope this helps a little! :smiling_face_with_three_hearts:

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This is a very popular question on here.
Without repeating too much of what has already been said,
Use the search bar and tap in body confidence and you will see past threads.
Usual advice is along the lines of compliment, communication, no pressure etc.
I always found new lingerie / dresses really help.
When they put it on, you heap on the praise and point out what you like.
I have told my wife to stop looking on social media at everyone’s holiday snaps etc as she is so beautiful to me, she doesn’t have to compare to others.

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My wife has been battling her confidence pretty much our whole marrige of 35 years . From when she was slender even . I have never had any luck assisting her , and believe me I have tried pretty much everything I could think of . Best of luck !

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Hello!

My wonderful lady is plus-sized, and she also struggled with body confidence a lot in the past. Though it’s nowhere near as bad as it was when I first got with her, she does still make an irregular negative comment about herself.

I can give you some pointers as a fellow man who has been in the same place as you are now. Not to discredit the absolutely correct advice from others in this thread already, but my guess is you also want a fist-bump from a fellow bloke who’s been there and seen it all from your perspective.
But what you need to bear in mind is that it will take time for her confidence to build. Years of being bombarded and brainwashed with society’s (very, very, very wrong) archaic and confidence-damaging expectations and pressures that were aimed mostly at women via the media isn’t going to be “undone” overnight.

Compliment often, even the little things.

Let’s get the long one out of the way first. Make sure to compliment your partner multiple times a day. Though I’m sure she will appreciate all the compliments about her body and appearance, you should ideally mostly share compliments about her traits, personality, her accomplishments, and the things she does. If you put too much time into complimenting just her body or appearance, she’ll probably start thinking “he’s just saying that to try to cheer me up,” even though you and I both know that you genuinely do mean it.

Try to be specific and personal to your partner in your compliments. For example, “you’re very funny” is quite bland and cliché - you’re not on your first date anymore. Whereas, again for example, “I love your satirical political quips, they’re hilarious,” is more personal and relatable to her, it shows her that you’re paying attention, putting effort into your compliments, and that you have actually noticed her favourite thing to joke about is politics.

Even when you’re not in each other’s company, that’s no excuse to not send a compliment her way, get your phone out and send her a short, sweet text. Maybe she’s having a really crappy day at work and needs something to make her smile.

Examples of compliments that won’t make her think you’re just saying something to try and cheer her up:

  • You’re a really amazing and incredibly caring sister/aunt/mother.
  • Wow! You did an amazing job calming down our toddler just now. Teach me!
  • One of the things I love the most about you is how kind you are to animals.
  • I really love your laugh, it’s contagious.
  • You are an incredible human being, and you just have the best personality.
  • I wish I had your impressive multitasking superpowers.
  • I adore the way you sing, even in the shower. You should go on X-Factor.
  • I love your dress, the colour really suits your amazing sweet and spicy personality. (See we’re avoiding mentioning her physical appearance here?).

Remind her that she’s beautiful - especially on “normal” days.

When you’re getting ready to go out and your lady asks you how she looks, she already knows that you’re going to say she’s beautiful. So tell her that she’s beautiful before she asks you - she shouldn’t need to ask you for confirmation, it’s your job as her man to just tell her.

Reminding her how beautiful she is should not just be reserved for times when she’s all dressed up nicely for a day out, for work, etc. You should also be reminding her that she’s beautiful while she’s laid out on the couch Netflixing in her mismatched pyjamas and odd socks.

Remind her that she’s loved, even if it’s just a small reminder.

This can be done in many ways. For example, buying surprise gifts for her. You might come from from work one day with a bunch of flowers because “they really compliment your eyes/hair”.
Other ways you can do this include:

  • Make her food, whether they are meals or simple movie snacks. (Making a meal yourself is so much more personal than going to a restaurant, it shows you pay attention to what she likes, and even the smaller things like how she prefers her food arranged on her plate (trust me, that’s a thing)).
  • Take a photo of something and send it to her because it made you think of her.
  • Pay attention to her interests and talk about them. Occasionally take part in them as well. Some of your gifts to her could be related to her interests, such as new paints if she enjoys painting.
  • Take her on a surprise date. For example, if she likes beaches, make a sudden diversion and go to one on your drive home.
  • Is she tired while watching TV? Put a cushion on your lap and offer yourself as a pillow for her. Or is she cold while watching TV? Go upstairs, pull that duvet off the bed, take it back downstairs and make sure she’s snuggled in it.

Share body-positive media.

As we already know, it’s predominantly the media who is to blame for a lot of body dysphoria issues that many people of all gender identities go through.
This can be countered by sharing body-positive media, such as plus-size social media influencers on YouTube or TikTok sharing their stories. And every time she reaches for that evil girly gossip magazine that tells her how she should look, try to encourage her to instead get a magazine about something else she might find interesting or a new hobby she could try.

Do not pay too much attention to other women. Like, seriously, don’t.

I mean, I really shouldn’t have to say this one, but do avoid “checking out” other women, even if you think your partner can’t see (she can).
The moment you asked her to be your girlfriend or wife is also the exact same split second that you silently swore to dedicate all of your attention to her and only her. Pay attention to where your eyes are going. Imagine how she would feel if she saw that you were watching a young, petite waitress at the restaurant instead of looking at her? Now, I know as a fellow man that we’re probably most likely following the waitress with our gaze because we want to know where the bloody hell our steak and chips with a side of onion rings are. But to your lady with low body confidence, she’d probably think “oh he wants a body like that eh?” And then she’s going to feel depressed for the rest of the meal.

Touch her.

One of the best ways you can try to help your lady to see that she is perfect to you is to touch her from time to time. Not necessarily in a sexual manner. Especially when other people can see, if she’s comfortable with that.

  • Stuck in a queue at the supermarket? Put your arms around her and whisper a compliment into her ear before placing a gentle kiss on her neck or shoulder.
  • Waiting for the waiter to bring your meals to the table? Hold and caress her hand on the table where everyone can see.
  • Had the wind blown a strand of her hair out of place? Gently brush it back in place softly with your fingers, making sure to gently caress her skin (ie, cheek and ear) as you do.
  • Make sure you touch her during intimate and sexy times too. While you’re in that “stripping down” phase, make sure your hands gently caress her skin and your lips place soft kisses on her body from time to time. During the actual deed, your pokey stick is not the only thing that should be touching her - your hands should be too. If at any moment you’re just lying/kneeling/whatever there with your hands anywhere else but on your lady’s body, then you’re doing sex wrong. Exception being if you’re unable to because of any bondage, of course.

Following everything I mentioned above (and others) has, in my case, helped to show my plus-size lady that she is absolutely amazing to me. Her body confidence issues definitely have not completely gone away, but it is nowhere near as prevalent as it was in the past. She can see the truth now - that it’s okay to not be perfect, that she has someone who will never judge and actually loves her physical side, that she has someone there for her when she needs someone, and that she’s absobloodylutely beautiful. She knows I wouldn’t change a thing about her. And in time, your lass hopefully will too.

However, before I submit this post for whomever may stumble across it in the future, I do need to mention one last thing. If your lady is really depressed by her body confidence issues or anything else, get her professional medical assistance. You are not a psychologist, you cannot fix depression - I know you want to try for the woman you love. But the most important thing she needs for depression is a doctor, alongside your loving support.

Thanks for taking the time to read what has unwittingly turned out to be a novella, which wasn’t my intention for my second ever post in this forum. I wish you the best of luck and a great day!

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This topic is a intresting one as i think alot pepole suffer this day and age with all the soical media and filters and everything that gose on today hopefully she will see intime when she looks in the mirror is a beautiful looking woman and with compliments from yourself and others will bring her on to be confident in herself .
There is some great comments from the love honey family and a intresting read from the large post from @The_Gentleman everyone is beautiful in my eyes dosnt matter about size ,colour, scars and many others i hope she can see in time what you saw when you first layed eyes on your amazing wife big hugs to you both :hugs::heart::hugs:

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As others have said, have a read of some of the other body confidence topics, as there’s loads of great advice and shared experience in them.

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Body confidence is a hard mental mindset to reboot but it is achievable with a mixture of positive actions to install around her, one being you giving her reassurance daily and compliments.
Another is to try get others to positively compliment her like family and friends :slightly_smiling_face:

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I can’t love this topic more and such wonderful tips and I hope all the guys/girls read @The_Gentleman post! :raised_hands:

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Interesting thread . Purely on the subject of women’s body issues, its something I can never understand. I love looking at my wife’s naked body , but when I tell her how sexy she looks , all she seems to reply is "no I dont I’m all fat and flabby " . Any reply I make , will be wrong . Frankly, it gets irritating after a while .
Do women not believe us , when we say how sexy they look ? If women didn’t look sexy , then men wouldn’t want sex with them , it’s that simple.
Lovehoney has done a fantastic job by having larger models, and I can’t praise them enough . Some woman now have to believe us , when we say how sexy their bodies are . Honestly, there is nothing in nature, as wonderful as a woman’s body !!

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It’s not that we don’t believe you @Weeradge, but society and companies have historically reinforced their ridiculous beauty ideals and standards onto women, and from quite a young age.

If women were anything bigger than a size 8 in Australia (UK8/US4), you were too big (for context, I’m a size AU12/14, which some argue isn’t plus size, but not ‘straight size’ either).

Beauty ideals in the modern world have always about being thin, and it actually links up to the systemic oppression of women as well! We aren’t supposed to eat much, or take up too much space, or be happy with ourselves, because nobody likes a vain woman.

So it’s definitely not that we don’t believe you, it’s that the world around us has always told us we aren’t ever perfect enough. That we need to lose a little weight, or wear makeup, and to cater to this extreme beauty ideal that’s honestly a load of shit.

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As humans we are generally so focused on what other humans are thinking and doing that we forget about everything else in the universe. In my case I’ve realised the feeling of not doing anything worthwhile comes from the thought that I’m not doing anything beneficial to other humans and I’ve learnt this rule so thoroughly that I automatically judge myself. People talking about how the planet needs to be saved “for our grandchildren” rather than for its own sake gives it away. Notice that other animals don’t judge humans based on their physical appearance but on their behaviour, so we are talking of the perception of several million species versus one. Imagining that you miraculously grew up on a desert island without ever coming into contact with another human being can also reveal the difference between reality and human ideas.

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Some men will absolutely have sex with someone that they don’t think is sexy, just as some women will do the same.

We would absolutely love to believe you when we’re told that we’re sexy but you’ve got so many years of mental abuse to combat so it comes down to how you show us, how you look at us and how you tell us and if any part of that is throwing a tantrum because we might need extra reassurance, then I wouldn’t believe you either. I’d see it as you just saying what you think I want to hear to have sex :man_shrugging:t2:

It only took a few months of my partner telling me but more showing me that he finds me sexy and that has made me so comfortable to be able to do things that I’ve always wanted to do but never felt confident enough. He tells me but its how he looks at me that matters. Words and actions need to match.

I see it all the time when women show how a text conversation has went with a man who they’re telling them they’re not interested in persuing a relationship with. It starts with the guy calling her beautiful and sexy and not taking no for an answer and ends it with ‘you’re a fat slag anyway’.
So yeah if we don’t believe you (men) because of how you’re telling us, maybe you’re saying it wrong.

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Literally couldn’t say it any better than this :raised_hands:

It took hubby some time but I got there. The mental abuse of it is horrendous and sometimes physically too.

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But how do we say " I think you’re sexy" , in the "right " way ? I’m no oil painting. Chubby bald , and nearly 60. No woman would find me sexy, yet I couldn’t care less .
Confidence is the sexiest attribute a woman has . Please ladies, have confidence in yourself. Love who you are . If some jerk insults you , more fool him . You will have had a lucky escape

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So maybe in a safe space ask her why she has the negative views she does? It may be the issue comes from past experiences with partners, online criticism etc.
If you can understand the problem better and where the issue stems from, then you can do some work to address those areas specifically and may be far more successful. That is based on the principal that some kind comments and gestures in her recent history doesn’t replace the negative experience she has before if that makes sense?
Hope things get better for you both soon

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That sounds very good advice :+1:

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It can be really embarrassing to talk about the parts of ourselves that we don’t like and why we don’t like them. Personally I wouldn’t want to have that conversation and if I did I wouldn’tbe naked for a while. That sounds extremely exposing and nobody likes feeling vulnerable.

Tell her you find her sexy with actions, by touching her body and with how you look at her and then tell her that she’s sexy. But first tell her she’s beautiful and that you feel lucky that she chooses you every day because that matters way more than being told that you’re sexy.

Sexy is a state of mind, you have to change how she sees herself through her eyes to through your eyes. When she can look at you and feel like you think she is the sexiest woman you’ve ever seen, then she’ll start to feel it.

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Great point @JoCat - that can be a very sensitive and vulnerable conversation to have because it exposes the raw nerves and not everyone is ready or comfortable to have that conversation :slight_smile:

The risk by not working up towards that is it means that you as an individual are carrying emotional and potentially volatile baggage that unchecked could only get worse over time.

We are all so very different and so think ultimately only she knows herself the best and so try and have an open and supportive conversation and don’t force her to do anything she doesn’t want to do