Just been thinking about why my wife rarely wants sex .
A lot of people say , that maybe she ( or he , because I know this is common in all relationships) doesn’t feel attractive. This doesn’t make sense , because if she wasn’t attractive, I wouldn’t want sex with her .
Maybe , its the opposite reason , and she doesn’t find me attractive anymore ? That would make more sense ( tho how anyone can’t get aroused by a bald , pot bellied 60 year old is beyond me 
)
Just wondering what peoples thoughts are on this ?
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This is totally logical but unfortunately we don’t all think this way. Have you actually said it to her like that? What’s her response? I’m a very logical person so that would probably help me but I don’t think I’m particularly normal 
I worry that my OH doesn’t find me attractive even though he says he does. I worry that he’ll see something when I’m naked that he can’t see when I’m dressed. For example, my big bum looks great in jeans and most of my lingerie and my belly looks fine when standing up but when I’m naked, lying on a bed or bent at the waist and the soft bits are moving around as we have sex, any confidence I had standing in front of the mirror in my jeans or lingerie fades very quickly. It isn’t helped in my case that my OH has a lower sex drive than me so I feel unwanted sometimes too.
I’m not sure what the solution is I’m afraid but wanted to reassure you that what she is saying is most likely true. The only thing that helps me is when my OH spends lots of time kissing and stroking the areas I don’t like, it makes me realise that he doesn’t see them the way I do. I also find wearing a blindfold helps - I can enjoy the sensations without seeing my body moving and I can also pretend that if I can’t see him then he can’t see me!
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A lot of people just aren’t so into sex and where it fits in the list of priorities may vary over time. It may have nothing to do with body confidence
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Life is sometimes very busy and stressful. If everyone was a millionaire with not a care in the world probably be a lot more up for sex.
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@Kitty-Cat01 . Good reply . I might suggest the blindfold! Although she isn’t that into sex , she sometimes surprises me !!
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Who knows? Our minds are mysterious! 
I’ve just been speaking with friends about how as a very unconfident teenager, when I was much smaller I would obsess about how badly I looked. Now as I’ve aged, almost 50, with way more weight I feel more confident. Thanks to mental health meds and talking about this with friends and therapist, I’m no longer letting my previous thoughts control me 
She may also just have a lower sex drive. I went thru this for years. My hubby just spoke with me on occasions and I told him I’d work on this. I’m glad I did.
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Well no, it does make sense because it’s not about how you feel about your partner but how your partner feels about their body. My partner is pretty much sex repulsed for almost as long as we’re together (at the beginning it wasn’t the case), that’s because my partner feels very self conscious about their fat, hair and unwanted body parts (dysphoria). I have no doubt it’s not me because I trust that my partner says the truth when they communicate with me.
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One of life’s mysteries is what goes on in peoples heads but usually that is a place where some of the most bizarre thoughts feel at their most logical so maybe she genuinely is thinking them things, but the only way you’ll have to gain some understanding is to open up to her about it and talk how your feeling as well 
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I have said this before, but it’s a shame we can’t see ourselves through other people’s eyes. Those body confidence issues and insecurities would likely vanish in an instant.
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Ahhhh I can relate, very similar boat in terms of OH not having any interest - although for very different reasons at this moment which I won’t go into.
However, she does have ‘body issues’ that impact us both, as in I would love to see her wearing certain outfits that she will point blank refuse (either due to her ‘bingo wings’ that I never knew she had, or her belly which I have no issues with at all).
I also have issues with my body hair, yet she loves it. Being the self reflective recovering addict I am, I like to look at my stuff, and am a lot more comfortable with my stuff knowing she likes it - but that takes time and work.
I digress though, back to my OH and your post. Firstly, as far as this is concerned:
Unfortunately, her self esteem/confidence comes from her her view of self. In my case, I can carry on till the cows come home telling my OH how sexy she is, she see’s the physical reaction all the time, and yet it won’t change her view of herself. She is not in recovery like me, isn’t into self reflection and such like, and therefor will go along with her learnt beliefs from life that she is not sexy due to whatever reason. The thing I am learning is that’s her bag, and she’ll open it and have a rummage around when she’s ready to look at that stuff.
So yeah, as irrational as it is, me telling her she’s sexy is nice for her, but deep down something tells her ‘of course he’s saying that, he wants to get in your knickers’.
In terms of the latter part, and what you have mentioned about yourself, isn’t that you doing exactly the same and putting yourself down?
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@Mr_Kink1 .
I guess , in a way , it is putting myself down . My "defence " ( for want of a better word) is that I am justified, if she no longer wants sex with me , then My body Image will keep getting lower . I know that im fat , bald , and not particularly good looking. It doesn’t stop me wanting sex tho
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It’s a common story.
After listening to I don’t know how many podcasts and reading countless blogs and articles, what I hear is overwhelmingly that most couples lose their initial drive for sex after a period of time.
It then takes both people in the relationship to communicate and be intentional about their needs and wants to get back on track.
I’ve heard a story like that from many
members in this forum. Not all - it’s a sex positive community, so not the mainstream.
Me and my OH certainly went through it, to the point where she was genuinely disconnected from her own body and couldn’t care less about sex any more.
Me asking for sex just pressured her and it got worse.
It took therapy and communication to get us back on track, and things have improved dramatically.
I think a key thing was for her to understand what I wanted to achieve with a sex life - that it is about love, intimacy and connection. I really had to work to get that idea into her head.
Also, it seems clear that a high percentage of marriages end in divorce, and a high percentage of the reasons for divorce are … shit sex life.
We both realised that we loved each other, and didnt want to break up - specially if it meant going through the same pattern in a future relationship with someone else.
To have sex now, has become much easier. We worked on making a safe space for our play dates - so we transformed our bed room. We both get the concept of ‘getting out of your head, and into your body’ and we do massages, baths, scented oils and candles.
It’s made such a difference to our sex life, and we use a lot of language about each other that is very morale boosting! I tell her she is ‘channeling the goddess’ and she calls me her ‘king stag!’
Very playful and lots of fun. She had negative self image but it’s really improved.
We also had to work on her understanding that she ‘has a right to pleasure’ no matter what you look like. She’s the most beautiful woman in the world in my estimation. Her body gave life to our children.
I made her look in a mirror and tell me what bits she liked - changing the focus from all the self criticism.
I’m just saying all this as it’s a subject so close to my heart - that journey from negativity to positivity, and from distance to intimacy.
Good luck. Tell her you adore her. I’m sure you do anyway!
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Yes, and of course, have to remember the male and female minds work very differently around sex.
I think that is something I’ve took from @our-adventure-bed’s post - that communication and understanding is key, and at times it does take outside help for us to listen to each other better and to feel listened to and understood.
@our-adventure-bed I love what you wrote, especially this particular line
It sounds like you and your OH have been on quite the journey together and are reaping the rewards. Reading your post has made me start my day with a smile on my face!
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Thanks @Mr_Kink1 !
That’s made my day - thank you 
In the last 12 months we have had big ups and downs, and in March we started seeing a therapist to talk about sexual connection (and the rest of our lives) and it’s just made such a massive difference/
I feel so blessed now, because two years ago, we had pretty much zero sex life and it was a bone of connection.
Now we have regular, long, amazing ‘play dates’ and lots of information about tantra and sex coaching.
My OH dresses up in super sexy lingerie and she has a deep, sensual and erotic side to herself that she has really allowed to come out.
We are in better shape than ever now, and our sex life means something completely different to us both now - it’s an ‘energy’ that we both think is sacred, life giving, awkward, silly, fun, messy and all about love.
It’s great to have finally achieved that shared understanding - it’s not perfect, but it’s exciting.
I just think that if we put in a bit of work, and understanding, there’s hope for us all!
Enjoying the journey continuing 
Have a great day! 
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I used to hate wearing lingerie, it was almost expected (I was on a swingers site at the time) people would ask what I was going to wear and I usually just said clothes.
The lingerie I had was what looked good on the model and was the standard ‘sexy’ outfits that didn’t make me feel good at all because it wasn’t my style. Now I buy what I like and I wear it because it makes me feel good, my partners reaction is definitely a bonus.
I’ve went off point, but you said you would like your partner to wear ‘certain outfits’, consider whether these outfits are what she wants to wear, it sounds like she doesn’t.
Maybe a lace robe would help her feel covered but still be sexy. Give her the space to choose an outfit for herself if she decides that she wants to.
Long winded way of saying she just might not like it
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