Looking for a bit of advice as struggling to feel wanted by my OH.
Im an affectionate person but feel like things are getting quite one sided in the bedroom. Ive recently tried to spice things up following some purchases from love honey (vibrators, rabbits etc) but seems like im the only one who suggests using them even though its always a great time when we do.
I know she isnt as body confident as me following two babies but i love her body more now then ever so cant seem to get my head round it as even though my sexual advances arent rejected it feels as if they are.
Have you spoken to her about this? Because thatâs the place to start. Maybe she doesnât initiate because you initiate enough for her, maybe she doesnât know where to start with adding new things to your relationship, maybe she thinks you are happy with everything, maybe it is a body confidence thing or maybe itâs something else.
If it is a body confidence thing, although it is definitely worth you reassuring her that you find her attractive, that isnât enough. She needs to believe she is attractive which comes from her and isnât in any way a reflection on you or how you treat her etc. You need to talk to her and find out what could help her feel more attractive (although donât put words into her mouth). It could be about finding some lingerie or clothing that hides the bits she doesnât like or it could be giving her a couple of hours alone to for some self care or something entirely different.
Basically, you need to have a chat with her when you both have some time and find out how she feels as well as telling her what you would like too
Iâll be honest, in the last 10 years having 2 kids a house move and stressful jobs (not mentioning health or money worries) sex has been the last thing on my mind. Regardless if he washed all the pots, ironed, hoovered and put the kids to bed- nothing was good enough for me to sleep with him.
Body confidence was a big thing as after 2 kids Iâm not as slender as I once was, my energy is zapped after hearing mum mum mum 18000000 times an hour.
Husband always made the first move, and after a sly look from me he knew it was off the cards. Until a couple of months ago, I was on the pill for health reasons and decided to come off it, my libido which was once sank to the depths of the sea has floated once again. Itâs like Iâm 19. He just looks at me and I want him, there and then.
I canât help as such but our situation has very much gone from one extreme to the other. Now its me whom initiates everything. I canât say why exactly that I was, kids still young but becoming more independent, coming off the pill and a hormone rebalance, or simply reading the fifty shades books and wanting my own mr grey. Good luck on finding your balance
Edit: Iâm pretty sure my husband felt unwanted in those years of me âoff sexâ as it were, but he assures me my recent come to form(as you will) makes up for it
Thank you all i guess from the inside looking out you only ever get one point of view. We have had chats and shes does say she is tired all the time but im quite a hands on partner so im my mind i match everything with house work kids etc but i guess everyone is different.
Think ill try being the driving force for a bit longer and see how things goâŚif not ill be back here for more advice and reassurance
If she is tired all of the time, that would be why she isnât initiating. Have you actually asked her if she is happy with the amount of sex you are having or does she need you to back off a bit?
Also, there should be no âbutâ on the end of this. You might do equal amounts of housework and looking after your kids but that doesnât stop her being tired. You didnât even mention it in your first post, and itâs a pretty big reason why things may be one sided at the moment.
To be honest, it doesnât sound like you are really listening to her and what she needs. If you donât actually listen to her, things wonât change.
I agree with the others that talking it out would be a great way to start. Having kids is hard, even when responsibilities are equally shared and how people deal with the challenges of parenthood is very different from person to person. When ours was little, I felt tired a lot of the time but it wasnât just physically-it was almost a kind of mental exhaustion and I found difficult to overcome and that really only improved with time.
You also mention she perhaps struggles with body confidence, which is a tricky one but itâs great that you love her body just the way it is and hopefully she knows that.
From personal experience I also lacked body confidence after pregnancy but it was less about what I could see on the outside and more about how my body felt on the inside. Our bodies change after birth and it was quite a shock to discover that the great sex weâd been having before pregnancy suddenly felt completely different in my post pregnancy body and did very little for me. I felt like I was mourning the loss of the sex positions we both enjoyed. I donât know if this is something your wife might also feel but perhaps when she is in the mood, trying different positions until she finds one that works for her (and you!) might help.
I have tried talking im alot more open than my OH. To be fair its been like this for about two years which is why im reaching out to others for guidance rather than allowing things to get worse.
Typically people assume that the male doesnât listen but you can only listen when someone is willing to open up and have a honest discussion but if your being told all is fine when you know it isnt your powerless.
I appreciate your point of view but my post is just a snap shot to allow me to get a bit of help so havent gone into lots of detail.
For some (many?) people, sex just doesnât register as a priority. Once initiated and in the swing of things most will enjoy good sex, but getting started can be tricky.
If shes tired, sometimes its not the physical chores that makes people tired, its the mental strain on making sure that things are ticking along -
Have the kids done their homework and put their books in their bags for the teachers.
Johnny has a school trip coming up, I need to do the list of what hes taking
The cat is coming due for its shots, I need to book it in at the vets
The cupboards are looking bare, what do I need to get on the way home for dinner
Thats just a handful of things that could keep peopleâs brain in stress mode without even moving a finger on the physical action of fulfilling any of those tasks and I am sure the list is like 1000 times longer at any given moment in time (Mrs Sen has her primary to do list, that I am vaguely aware of whats on it, but she also has secondary and beyond back up lists just incase something is done on the primary list, but she has to operate in a state of panic to function, ârelaxâ isnât in her vocabulary).
Doing âthe choresâ helps alleviate the physical, but not the mental.
Maybe come up with a list at the start of each week of things that need to get accomplished and take ownership for the task, remove the need for her to think about what needs doing.
Diet can also be an issue on tiredness. Proper balanced healthy food that feeds the brain and body.
Taking time out for simple pleasures like a walk around a park, take time to stop and smell the flowers.
@Newly_awakened_hubby I feel your pain dude. I didnât read this at first but just posted a really long winded review that I would have posted here as a reply to you. I think you just need to be patient and communicate. I had to get a little upset with her and let her know that I wasnât happy in our relationship and that it was taking some steps backwards. I also had to reassure her that I wasnât interested in letting her go and that she was truly loved and deeply respected. Itâs touchy and can be a tough road to walk down TOGETHER. She has turned the corner and needed to know that physical sex was like the hum of traffic in the back of my mind - itâs always there and that sometime the sound is quiet or deafening. I wanted her to know that she is the one who can make me feel wanted and that she was THE ONE!
A weekend away and some straight talk without introducing anything new may work. Be honest and ask herâŚyou may find out more than you want to know so donât be mad with the answer. Work with her and do what you can to understand. However, it is a 2-way street and if she respects the arrangement, she will reciprocate.
Hang in there bud. Itâs paying dividends for me at the moment when I thought we were on the verge of ending itâŚ
Seconding @valbowski77 s point about just being honest but non pressuring.
I went off sex after having the kids. A mix of hormones, being touched out, tired, insecure etc. Etc.
We had sex a couple of times a year on special occasions or if we were away from the kids as I felt more like me then. I thought hubby was completely fine with not having loads of sex, and I actually was very happy that he wasnât pressuring me.
Kids are now sleeping the night in their own beds and my sex drive has come back after coming off the pill, so we are like horny teenagers.
It was only at this time that hubby told me how badly it affected him not having physical contact and sex regularly. We cwtched, but didnât sit holding hands etc. It broke my heart to hear how he felt ugly and unwanted, and that i wasnât in love or wanted him. I wish he had told me at the time, so we could have taken steps to improve (e.g more kid free time).
Maybe your partner is the same. Maybe she doesnât realise how badly its upsetting you and you need to tell her how you feel (without putting any demands on her)
Good points @WelshDragonette . A couple hard conversations can keep everything on the level, avoid imagining things that arenât real (even though they may appear obvious) and ultimately keep you together.
Keep talking and be honest. Do the loving thing and be loving first. Donât assume and listenâŚand even if it isnât the conversation or words you want to hear, be patient and if you listen close enough, you will likely hear what you need to without anyone getting mad or storming off.
Trust me, for the kids (if there are some) and for the rest of your happiness for the rest of your life, have the conversation! Donât expect miracles in the first little while, but bring the romance back one step at a time. Plus, the makeup sex is usually fantastic! I am planning on taking things further each time until we find it is either too much or overwhelming and then throttle it back a little.
I feel just the same, my wife has no real interest in sex and I must say we are very very happy and have been married for 30 odd years now. I have just lived with things accepting things. I think when we were in our 20, 30, 40âs I was just too busy and work and outside hobbies took preference (this I am very sorry about but I cannot turn the clock back).
I feel for you. Just finished our second counseling session a couple days ago. It was a kick start for us in the right after the first session. Very convenient with the Zoom era we live in.
Definitely cant turn back time but remember the only time its too late to change is when you take you last breath. Ive had a few good chats with the OH over the last couple days and it has all been positive so far. We normally take it in turns to get up with our girls each day but im gonna get up with then more so she can have a few extra lay ins and hopefully start the day more rested and energetic. On her side shes going to try to clean up her eating to get the best out of her body and hopefully will help with energy sex drive etc.
Theres is so many things we cant do in life we have to take every opportunity to do all the things that we can do and want to do. Im on a journey to self discovery in many ways and i hope we can do it together as a team. I no somethings will be noâs some maybes and some yeses but aslong as we can grow together im happy.
So i truley thank you all for taking the time to help me/us (even though shes currently not aware of the LH forum) on our way
