Afternoon all, new to the forum so thanks in advance for your patience.
I’m a 30-something disabled woman with a keen interest in bondage and BDSM. Unfortunately past partners, despite similar interests in this, have looked upon my disability as a line they were unwilling to cross when it came to these particular activities.
As much as I respect and appreciate their caution, it felt like being denied the opportunity to explore this facet of the relationship, so I remain completely inexperienced with it.
I’ve recently gotten with someone who is both interested and willing to let loose with me and at least try things out – safely. We’ve spoken about it to some degree but ultimately I dont know how the affected parts of me (controlled movement is nigh-impossible) would react to different stimuli or restraint, and they also lack experience. I want to approach things with a sensible level of caution without it a) dampening the mood or b) worrying the other person.
It’ll be new enough to us both without the added complication of my health, so I’m looking on advice on where and how to start building confidence, really.
Hi, welcome to the forum
Theres quite a few of us on here with all sorts of different challenges. Plenty of us have had a go at bondage so hopefully you should be able to find some suggestions on here.
Theres a thread where we’ve been swapping tips and experiances here that may also be a good place to have a dig. (this one is nice too)
Ive got M.e./c.f.s and have been trying some bondage and sensory play solo, which I’ve really enjoyed.
Im not the most experienced though, but this is a good place to come for advice, everyone is very friendly and helpful here.
Fetlife has a lot of different groups for kink and disability, as well as groups based on specific kinks and local groups which may help you find people with more experience in these matters to hide you some guidance. There are also event listings so you could see what is going on around you (events are starting to open back up) and see if anything might be suitable for you to go to.
Learning as much as you can about the type of bondage you are interested in will also really help. Although there might be things you cannot do, the more you learn, the easier it will be for you and your partner to adapt. I would suggest both of you learning as much as you can from both the top and bottom perspectives, as it will really benefit both of your abilities to feed back to each other.
Beyond that, starting really slow and basic is a good idea. See how you feel with just having cuffs or rope or whatever around your wrists/ankles/appropriate part of your body without attaching them to anything. Then if you are comfortable, add a little more restraint and so on. Take baby steps.
The thing with exploring kink, it can be done as part of sex or it can be done as you would any other activity or hobby. If you need to spend some time working out if something is going to feel right or if you can even do something then don’t make it part of sex, just have it as a fun thing you are trying together. When you know more about how you are going to react to it, then add it into your sex play.
If you want it as a sex thing, don’t make it the whole focus. Make it a small part and once you’ve nailed it then the next time you can put a little more focus on it and so on.
I’m sure you have already done this but do have a think about what you genuinely can’t do and also if you are on any medication, is there anything that could be a no go.
Although safety is important and a serious thing, that doesn’t mean you can’t laugh when things are going wrong. Keep it light hearted, fun and don’t put too much pressure on yourselves to get it perfect straight away.
Hi and welcome to the forums @Turtles. One place I would start is to look at how restraints might actually help because of your disability. For example, I haven’t got the leg strength to keep my legs up unsupported, but cuffing them to rhe headboard means I can stay in position much longer. Same is true of a spreader bar, which is now one of my go to bits of kit.
And above all, enjoy the journey!
Sounds like a tricky subject but only way I guess you’ll be able to discover your limitations is to experiment with it all but start off with simple stuff maybe and see how you go. I’d also do a search on the internet to see if there’s any further info on bondage for disabled people as you may stumble across a great page that can give you great options to suit your needs
Like others have said start off slow, maybe just some cuffs, and go from there gradually and explore as much or as little as you’re both comfortable with
As for making your partner feel comfortable you should set some boundaries before you start, like things they can and can’t do, maybe certain things that will cause you pain because once you’ve set those boundaries there is less to worry about and you can both enjoy it a bit more I was so nervous when I started with my partner, worrying I would do something wrong or go too far but if you set your limits beforehand you don’t have to worry about that
There’s been lots of good advice and suggestions so far and I’d definitely check out the threads @Green_Eyed_Girl suggested. It’s hard to make suggestions when I’m not sure what your disbility is exactly - I’m not saying that you should share what it is as that’s personal unless you want to of course - I’m just saying that my suggestions might be totally irrelevant but here’s a few thoughts…
If there are any parts of your body that have limited sensation or sensation that changes over time or in particular positions, make sure that your partner is aware of them and avoid any impact play on those areas (this is probably a bit obvious but thought I’d mention it!)
Make sure that your partner can release your restraints immediately if you are in pain (not the good kind!). I would go for restraints that are padded and velcro fastening rather than buckles or rope because they are easier to get out of quickly.
Experiment with different positions and sensations whilst not intending to have sex - see it as a fact finding mission or experiment so that you’re not actually expecting it to develop into anything. If we try out new positions whilst we are in the middle of a session it will instantly kill the mood if I find it painful and then I get upset and disheartened.
Talk, talk and talk some more - very obvious but important.
Like @KinkyMira said, have a think about how restraints could actually help you in certain postions. The example she mentioned is one that we discovered only a couple of days ago and I’m intending to play around with different positions. You might like to look at position enhancers if they would help you to get into positions that you might otherwise struggle with.
I was so nervous when I started with my partner, worrying I would do something wrong or go too far but if you set your limits beforehand you don’t have to worry about that 