Engaging a passive partner

My gf is always very passive when it comes to sex. She really enjoys it but never starts or does much more then lays there and gives me a kiss every now and then. She’s started saying when she wants to switch position which is something but I want her to start doing more in terms of foreplay and maybe sometimes even starting it herself instead of just waiting for me. Anyone have any tips?


Have you had a talk with her about this? She won’t know what you want if you don’t tell her.


My husband is passive in that he doesn’t usually initiate and usually only does the things I ask him to do. Sometimes I can tell he’s horny, but if I don’t say anything, he won’t either, and then he assumes I must not have been in the mood. One time I waited to see what he’d do, then the next day asked him, “I thought you were getting horny yesterday… You didn’t want to have sex?” And he said, “Yeah, but you didn’t say anything, so I figured you didn’t want to.” :woman_facepalming:t2: He’s still working on initiating… He does have one thing he started doing recently when he wants a blow job :laughing:

I’ve found that during foreplay and while we’re having sex, if I ask him to hold me a certain way or play with my nipples or kiss me, he will, and then after a few sessions of asking for something, he’ll start to do them without me asking him to. During blow jobs, once he’s feeling good, I make him tell me what to do next since I have his cock captive (to help him communicate what he likes because otherwise he just won’t tell me). That all being said, most of the time when we’re having sex, I lie back and let him do all the work and heavy lifting :grin::ok_hand:

Your girlfriend might not know that you want her doing anything different from what she’s doing. You could ask her to do specific things. Make sure she knows when you’re feeling good, and she might keep doing those things. Ask her how she likes things as you’re doing them to her. Communication is important (even if it’s just body language or your this feels good noises) :+1:


This happens to us quite often too, @PKH!
I take comments like “I’ve got a bit of a headache” to mean sex isn’t on the cards. Like I‘ve been assuming people with headaches can‘t ever benefit from a good orgasm or two!🤦🏼

I think rejections and micro-rejections are part and parcel of having a healthy consensual intimate relationship, but for me I’ve sometimes found it hard not to take it personally, feel disheartened and end up initiating sex less often.
Being the one to initiate most of the time can sometimes feel like an onerous or unwelcome responsibility.

As to the question of dealing with a more passive partner; Well that‘s down to your partner‘s preferences, I‘d say, @Tiln

Mrs K usually likes me to initiate. This leaves the responsibility on me more often than not. Turns out, being submissive is for her, a bona fide kink, and understanding this has opened the door to exploring a whole new world of dom/sub fun.

When she’s not up for sex she‘ll clearly say so.
So I have to be prepared for her to say no a fair amount of the time. But when she is up for it, she‘s often very, very willing indeed. :grin:

Everyone has emotional needs.
Of course we have to watch that my feelings and desires are looked after, but this is often easy enough to negotiate with the right communication/ favours/ aftercare.

Different people can have so many different ways they prefer to initiate sex, and communicate desire and pleasure. Everyone‘s different. What works for my wife and I may be completely different to what works for other people. But I think the need to communicate is essential for everybody.

So I‘d suggest taking some time away from the bedroom to just talk about how you both feel, and what you both really wants from the physical side of your relationship. I’ve found it’s better if this kind of conversation is relaxed and doesn‘t feel pressured. I’d suggest maybe you could let her know how this aspect of your sex-life makes you feel, but don‘t forget to really emphasise the best bits so as to avoid it sounding like criticism or whining.

I‘ve found conversations well away from actual sex is the best way to really understand what my wife‘s deepest desires are. Talking just before, during or straight after just doesn’t work! And though my wife often likes to be very passive too, I now know she‘s also very far from unadventurous :smiling_face_with_three_hearts:

Hope this might help your situation in some way.


After 10 years I still have this pal. As most couples it has got more over the years. When sex is good (usually takes good few drinks)it’s literally mind blowing, but the vast majority of the time it’s like she doing me a favour. Iv pretty much accepted it’s the last iv fallen in love with and try and make the really good shags as best as possible like hotels away from the kid or even on nights out arouse her in the bar and fuck on the way home

I have actually. We talked and I said it would be hot for me if she got it started sometimes and it didn’t really do anything

Wow you really took the time. Thanks for all that advice

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Thanks for so much advice. I have tried asking her to tell me what feels good and she almost looks ashamed to say. Like not even a kink or anything (which I’ve said I’d be open to trying) like just what position do you like will get her to try and hide away like it’s something to be ashamed of. I do feel like she’s a little repressed (grew up in a culture where you don’t even hold hands in the first year of dating) and we’ve been working on that but it often feels like she just takes the safe way out of sex is shameful and dirty

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It’ll probably take some time for her to get over the embarrassment or awkwardness talking about sexual things, especially if it’s deeply engrained… If sex positions are the one thing she’s comfortable speaking up about, maybe focus on trying out different sex positions. Maybe she’ll start to communicate a little more about what kinds of positions she likes and doesn’t like. My two favorite positions are ones we only recently tried for the first time in the past couple months. Since each position is a bit different, you can experiment to see what angles she likes, hard or gentle, fast or slow, etc :slight_smile:

:point_down: This is a collection of sex positions you could browse to find some new ones to try :+1: