Every joke is a Dad joke

Off-Topic Chat
238

What do you call a magician who has lost their magic?

Ian

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239

Women are very strange creatures.

They love celebrating their birthdays, they love lingerie and they love car boot sales…

Yet when I buy my wife some lingerie from the car boot sale for her birthday I suddenly turn into a useless, thoughtless bastard!

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240

What’s the opposite of Lady Fingers?

Mentos

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242

@goodbrewsguy I wonder if this might be better placed in the Memes thread.

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243

How many times to you have to tickle an octopus to make it laugh?

Ten-tickles. Of course it only has 8 of those. So, the first two are test-tickles!

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244

What’s the first rule of euphemism club?

We are not receiving new members…

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245

A Scotsman, Englishman and an Irishman walk into a bar. Barman says “this must be some kind of joke”.

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246

There were 2 silkworms in a race , ended up in a tie

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247

A Roman centurion walks into a bar and says “Martinus, please”. The barman looks at him quizzically and says “You mean ‘Martini’?”. The Roman centurion levels his gaze and says very clearly “If I’d wanted a double, I’d have asked for a double”.

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248

A man walks into the chip shop with a salmon under his arm and asks " do you do fishcakes"? “Yes” replies the chap behind the counter. “Great, he’ll have one it’s his birthday” says the man holding out the salmon​:laughing:

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249

@ Riverview .Some old morcomb and wise there. Classic

250

Yup. But ther’e’s Nonsuch thing as a new joke!

251

A thespian walks into a bar and says “I’d like a ploughman’s lunch, please”. The barman responds “With relish?”. So the thespian takes two steps back, throws his arms into the air, head back and, projecting, declares “I’d like … a ploouuughman’s lunch!!!”

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252

I’ve got a steering wheel down my pants and it’s driving me’ nuts!

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253

Two flies on an arse. Which one’s got drug issues?

The one on the crack

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The Forum: Digested
254

I had a ploughman’s lunch the other day. He went nuts when he came back from the toilet​:rofl:

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255

Bought some shoes off a drug dealer, not sure what they were laced with, but i’ve been tripping all day.

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256

An elderly Irish woman of advanced age visited her doctor to ask his advice on reviving her husband’s lagging libido.

'What about trying Viagra?" asked the doctor.

“Not a chance,” she said… “He won’t even take an aspirin.”

“Not a problem,” replied the doctor. "Give him an “Irish Viagra.”

“What’s this Irish Viagra?” she asked.

“You drop the Viagra tablet into his coffee. He won’t even taste it. Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went.”

A week later she called the doctor, who asked her about the results.

“Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah!” she exclaimed. “T’was horrid! Just terrible, doctor!”

“Really? What happened?” asked the doctor.

“Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee and the effect was immediate.
He jumped straight up, with a twinkle in his eye! With one swoop of his arm, he sent cups and tablecloth flying, then ripped me clothes to tatters and took me then and there on the tabletop! T’was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare!”

“Why so terrible?” asked the doctor, “Do you mean it wasn’t good?”

"It was the best I’ve had in 25 years! But sure as I’m sittin’ here, I’ll never be able to show me face in Starbucks again!..

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257

Does anybody know if it’s ok to dye your pubes?

I think it’s a grey area.

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258

The Lady Golfer
A group of men lived and died for their Saturday morning round of golf. One transferred to another city. From then on their games weren’t the same without him.
A new woman joined their Club. She overheard the three blokes talking about the situation. She said, “You know, I used to play on my golf team in college and I was pretty good. Would you mind if I joined you next week?”
The blokes looked at each other. Not one of them wanted to say, ‘Yes’, but she had them on the spot. Finally, one man said it would be okay, but they would be starting early, at 6:30a.m. He figured the early tee-off time would discourage her. The woman replied that it could present a problem and asked if she could be up to 15 minutes late. They rolled their eyes, but said that would be okay. She smiled and said, “Good, I’ll be there either at 6:30 or 6:45.”
She showed up at 6:30 sharp and beat all three of them with an eye-opening 2-under par round. They were impressed and congratulated her. She was fun and a pleasant person, so back at the clubhouse they invited her back the next week. She smiled, and said, “I’ll be there either at 6:30 or 6:45.”
The next week she again showed up at 6:30 sharp but this time she played left-handed. They were incredulous as she still beat them with an even par round, despite playing with her off-hand.
They couldn’t figure her out. She was again very pleasant and didn’t seem to be purposely showing them up. They invited her back again, but each man harboured a burning desire to beat her. The third week, the blokes had their game faces on. But this time, she was 15 minutes late, which made the guys irritable. This week the lady played right-handed, yet narrowly beat all three of them.
The men mused that her late arrival was attributable to petty gamesmanship on her part, however, she was so gracious and so complimentary of their strong play, they couldn’t hold a grudge.
Back in the clubhouse, all blokes were shaking their heads. This woman was a riddle no-one could figure out. They had a couple of beers. Finally one of the men asked her point blank, “How do you decide if you’re going to golf right-handed or left-handed?”
The lady blushed and grinned. “That’s easy,” she said, “When my Dad taught me to play golf, I learned I was ambidextrous. I like to switch back and forth. When I got married after college, I discovered my husband always sleeps in the nude. From then on, I developed a silly habit. Right before I left in the morning for golf practice, I would pull the covers off him. If his you-know-what was pointing to the right, I golfed right-handed; if it was pointed to the left, I golfed left-handed.”
The men thought this was hysterical. Astonished at this bizarre information, one of them shot back, “But what if it’s pointing straight up?”
She said, "That’s when I’ll be fifteen minutes late.:stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes:

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