A local man has been admitted to hospital with a golf ball lodged in his arse.
A spokesperson said "It’s gone up a fairway’.
6 Likes
I made a music playlist for when I go hiking. It has songs from Peanuts, The Cranberries and Eminem.
I call it my Trail Mix!
5 Likes
I’ve just made a new belt completely out of watches.
It doesn’t keep my trousers up so I think it was a waist of time.
7 Likes
I have a dog called Minton who has a naughty habit of eating shuttlecocks.
Bad Minton!
6 Likes
What’s long and hard and has cum in it?
A cucumber 
7 Likes
Try this puzzle…its amazing!!! This maths sequence can predict your favourite film. Mine was Star Wars…Not sure how it knows but it IS my absolute fave film…it does work!!!
Pick a number between 1 & 9
Multiply it by 3
Add 3 to that number
Multiply again by 3
Add the two digits together and see results below:
3. Oliver Twist
4. Star Wars
5. Goodfellas
6. Saving Private Ryan
7. Jaws
8. Grease
9. The Joy of Anal Sex with Male Goats and Leather-Clad, Oiled-Up Lady Boys.
10. Mary Poppins
See…it’s spot on!!!
11 Likes
What do you call a magician who has lost their magic?
Ian
10 Likes
Women are very strange creatures.
They love celebrating their birthdays, they love lingerie and they love car boot sales…
Yet when I buy my wife some lingerie from the car boot sale for her birthday I suddenly turn into a useless, thoughtless bastard!
8 Likes
What’s the opposite of Lady Fingers?
Mentos
8 Likes
How many times to you have to tickle an octopus to make it laugh?
Ten-tickles. Of course it only has 8 of those. So, the first two are test-tickles!
7 Likes
What’s the first rule of euphemism club?
We are not receiving new members…
4 Likes
A Scotsman, Englishman and an Irishman walk into a bar. Barman says “this must be some kind of joke”.
9 Likes
There were 2 silkworms in a race , ended up in a tie
8 Likes
A Roman centurion walks into a bar and says “Martinus, please”. The barman looks at him quizzically and says “You mean ‘Martini’?”. The Roman centurion levels his gaze and says very clearly “If I’d wanted a double, I’d have asked for a double”.
10 Likes
A man walks into the chip shop with a salmon under his arm and asks " do you do fishcakes"? “Yes” replies the chap behind the counter. “Great, he’ll have one it’s his birthday” says the man holding out the salmon
8 Likes
@ Riverview .Some old morcomb and wise there. Classic
Yup. But ther’e’s Nonsuch thing as a new joke!
A thespian walks into a bar and says “I’d like a ploughman’s lunch, please”. The barman responds “With relish?”. So the thespian takes two steps back, throws his arms into the air, head back and, projecting, declares “I’d like … a ploouuughman’s lunch!!!”
7 Likes
I’ve got a steering wheel down my pants and it’s driving me’ nuts!
9 Likes