A local man has been admitted to hospital with a golf ball lodged in his arse.
A spokesperson said "It’s gone up a fairway’.
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I made a music playlist for when I go hiking. It has songs from Peanuts, The Cranberries and Eminem.
I call it my Trail Mix!
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I’ve just made a new belt completely out of watches.
It doesn’t keep my trousers up so I think it was a waist of time.
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I have a dog called Minton who has a naughty habit of eating shuttlecocks.
Bad Minton!
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What’s long and hard and has cum in it?
A cucumber 
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Try this puzzle…its amazing!!! This maths sequence can predict your favourite film. Mine was Star Wars…Not sure how it knows but it IS my absolute fave film…it does work!!!
Pick a number between 1 & 9
Multiply it by 3
Add 3 to that number
Multiply again by 3
Add the two digits together and see results below:
3. Oliver Twist
4. Star Wars
5. Goodfellas
6. Saving Private Ryan
7. Jaws
8. Grease
9. The Joy of Anal Sex with Male Goats and Leather-Clad, Oiled-Up Lady Boys.
10. Mary Poppins
See…it’s spot on!!!
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What do you call a magician who has lost their magic?
Ian
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Women are very strange creatures.
They love celebrating their birthdays, they love lingerie and they love car boot sales…
Yet when I buy my wife some lingerie from the car boot sale for her birthday I suddenly turn into a useless, thoughtless bastard!
8 Likes
What’s the opposite of Lady Fingers?
Mentos
8 Likes
@goodbrewsguy I wonder if this might be better placed in the Memes thread.
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How many times to you have to tickle an octopus to make it laugh?
Ten-tickles. Of course it only has 8 of those. So, the first two are test-tickles!
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What’s the first rule of euphemism club?
We are not receiving new members…
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A Scotsman, Englishman and an Irishman walk into a bar. Barman says “this must be some kind of joke”.
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There were 2 silkworms in a race , ended up in a tie
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A Roman centurion walks into a bar and says “Martinus, please”. The barman looks at him quizzically and says “You mean ‘Martini’?”. The Roman centurion levels his gaze and says very clearly “If I’d wanted a double, I’d have asked for a double”.
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A man walks into the chip shop with a salmon under his arm and asks " do you do fishcakes"? “Yes” replies the chap behind the counter. “Great, he’ll have one it’s his birthday” says the man holding out the salmon
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@ Riverview .Some old morcomb and wise there. Classic
Yup. But ther’e’s Nonsuch thing as a new joke!
A thespian walks into a bar and says “I’d like a ploughman’s lunch, please”. The barman responds “With relish?”. So the thespian takes two steps back, throws his arms into the air, head back and, projecting, declares “I’d like … a ploouuughman’s lunch!!!”
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I’ve got a steering wheel down my pants and it’s driving me’ nuts!
9 Likes