Two flies on an arse. Which one’s got drug issues?
The one on the crack
I had a ploughman’s lunch the other day. He went nuts when he came back from the toilet
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Bought some shoes off a drug dealer, not sure what they were laced with, but i’ve been tripping all day.
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An elderly Irish woman of advanced age visited her doctor to ask his advice on reviving her husband’s lagging libido.
'What about trying Viagra?" asked the doctor.
“Not a chance,” she said… “He won’t even take an aspirin.”
“Not a problem,” replied the doctor. "Give him an “Irish Viagra.”
“What’s this Irish Viagra?” she asked.
“You drop the Viagra tablet into his coffee. He won’t even taste it. Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went.”
A week later she called the doctor, who asked her about the results.
“Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah!” she exclaimed. “T’was horrid! Just terrible, doctor!”
“Really? What happened?” asked the doctor.
“Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee and the effect was immediate.
He jumped straight up, with a twinkle in his eye! With one swoop of his arm, he sent cups and tablecloth flying, then ripped me clothes to tatters and took me then and there on the tabletop! T’was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare!”
“Why so terrible?” asked the doctor, “Do you mean it wasn’t good?”
"It was the best I’ve had in 25 years! But sure as I’m sittin’ here, I’ll never be able to show me face in Starbucks again!..
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Does anybody know if it’s ok to dye your pubes?
I think it’s a grey area.
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The Lady Golfer
A group of men lived and died for their Saturday morning round of golf. One transferred to another city. From then on their games weren’t the same without him.
A new woman joined their Club. She overheard the three blokes talking about the situation. She said, “You know, I used to play on my golf team in college and I was pretty good. Would you mind if I joined you next week?”
The blokes looked at each other. Not one of them wanted to say, ‘Yes’, but she had them on the spot. Finally, one man said it would be okay, but they would be starting early, at 6:30a.m. He figured the early tee-off time would discourage her. The woman replied that it could present a problem and asked if she could be up to 15 minutes late. They rolled their eyes, but said that would be okay. She smiled and said, “Good, I’ll be there either at 6:30 or 6:45.”
She showed up at 6:30 sharp and beat all three of them with an eye-opening 2-under par round. They were impressed and congratulated her. She was fun and a pleasant person, so back at the clubhouse they invited her back the next week. She smiled, and said, “I’ll be there either at 6:30 or 6:45.”
The next week she again showed up at 6:30 sharp but this time she played left-handed. They were incredulous as she still beat them with an even par round, despite playing with her off-hand.
They couldn’t figure her out. She was again very pleasant and didn’t seem to be purposely showing them up. They invited her back again, but each man harboured a burning desire to beat her. The third week, the blokes had their game faces on. But this time, she was 15 minutes late, which made the guys irritable. This week the lady played right-handed, yet narrowly beat all three of them.
The men mused that her late arrival was attributable to petty gamesmanship on her part, however, she was so gracious and so complimentary of their strong play, they couldn’t hold a grudge.
Back in the clubhouse, all blokes were shaking their heads. This woman was a riddle no-one could figure out. They had a couple of beers. Finally one of the men asked her point blank, “How do you decide if you’re going to golf right-handed or left-handed?”
The lady blushed and grinned. “That’s easy,” she said, “When my Dad taught me to play golf, I learned I was ambidextrous. I like to switch back and forth. When I got married after college, I discovered my husband always sleeps in the nude. From then on, I developed a silly habit. Right before I left in the morning for golf practice, I would pull the covers off him. If his you-know-what was pointing to the right, I golfed right-handed; if it was pointed to the left, I golfed left-handed.”
The men thought this was hysterical. Astonished at this bizarre information, one of them shot back, “But what if it’s pointing straight up?”
She said, "That’s when I’ll be fifteen minutes late.
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It was my turn to cook tea tonight but I’ve just burned the Hawaiian Pizza.
I guess I should have used aloha temperature.
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Sex therapists say the most effective way a woman can arouse a man is to spend ten minutes licking his ears…
Personally I think it’s bollocks!
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One night a dad was watching a nature program when his son walked in the room and said “dad what are those animals doing” dad replied “oh there just making cakes, son” the next night his mum was watching the same program, he said to his mum, “are they making cakes again, dad said they made some yesterday” mum replied the same “yeah there just making cakes, son” later that night when the son was in bed he was woken up by strange noises coming from downstairs, so he snuck downstairs to see what it was, mum and dad where having sex, so he went back to bed, in the morning at breakfast, he said "dad, I see you and mum making cakes last night and edited by mod
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I was doing up my trousers but got distracted and started singing along to Disney songs…
And now I’ve zippered me doo-dah !
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My mate took their car to the garage, told them it was running rough and asked them to take a look.
After working on it for a few minutes they have it ticking over nicely.
“What’s the story?” my mate asked.
“Just crap in the carburettor” the mechanic replied.
“Great, how often do I have to do that?” asked my mate.
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Yesterday I caught my son chewing on electrical cords, so I had to ground him.
He’s currently doing better and conducting himself properly.
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I ate a bag of Scrabble tiles this morning, I feel okay now but my next trip to the bathroom could spell disaster!
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The man who invented the hard boiled egg wrapped in sausage meat has sadly passed away. RIP Scott Chegg.
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I’ve done a survey on how people plan to walk home from the pub later today.
The results are staggering.
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Why do elephants have pads on their feet.
So they don’t scratch you when you pick them up.
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My penis was once in the Guiness Book of Records.
Until the Librarian kicked me out.
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China have announced their new range of meat free snacks, Not Poodle.
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Bloke takes his goldfish to the vet’s. Tells the vet “I think my goldfish is epileptic”
The vets says “He looks fine to me”
Bloke replies “I haven’t took him out of the feckin bowl yet”
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I was making out with my OH on the sofa and she said “shall we take this upstairs?” I said “okay then, you grab one side I’ll grab the other”
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