Every joke is a Dad joke

[FL45H]

Last night I fingered a fortune teller while she was on her period.

I got my palm red.

[FL45H]

I just saw a sheep alone in a field away from the rest of the flock.

I said; “Why aren’t you with the flock?"

He said; “They don’t like me because I’m different".

I asked “How are you different”?

He replied; “I can speak".

[FL45H]

I was out driving earlier this today and I started to feel a little bit horny, so I pulled into a well known dogging spot…

I really enjoyed myself, but I failed my driving test!

[Very-Ape]

What the last thing to go through your head before being eaten by a shark? Teeth.

Why do birds fly south for the winter? Too far to walk

Trying to decide where to go on holiday in Thailand and thought Phuket!

[SteelA1]

Does anyone know any good jokes? Or bad for that matter? I’ll start (sorry)

A yard of black Tarmac walks into a pub and shouts “I’m the hardest thing in here, who wants to fight?”

The barman tells him “We all know you’re hard, you’re Tarmac, come and have a pint.”

Half an hour later a narrow strip of red Tarmac walks in the pub and shouts “I’m the hardest thing in here, who wants to fight?”

Silence.

The Barman asks the yard of black Tarmac, “You were bragging about how hard you are and you’re bigger than that wee strip, why didn’t you fight him?”

Tarmac replies “I’m not fighting him, he’s a cycle path”.

[matt3481]

What do you call a man with no shins?

Tony

[a_wol]

the priest was seen having a wank by the window cleaner, the cleaner comes to collect and is given 50 quid, confused verger says to the priest he must have seen you coming a mile away

[a_wol]

BREAKING NEWS: A naked man broke into a church. The police chased him around and finally caught him by the organ

[Very-Ape]

Not quite dad jokes but some husband jokes I’ve heard at work

Helping a woman set up a membership, she puts in her date of birth, gets to the year, he looks over her shoulder and says “18…?”

Me: “would you like a bag” him: “no thanks I’ve been stuck with this one for 20 years!”

[a_wol]

the OH asked me to pass the newspaper, said don’t have one use the tablet.
fuck me the spider never seen it coming

[a_wol]

guy arguing with the clerk about a faulty blow-up doll…

customer: I only had a nibble and it went down on me !!!
clerk: If I Knew it did that would have charged you an extra fiver

[Very-Ape]

There’s a new documentary about bikinis
It’s two parts and very revealing

[Ian_Chimp]

@Very-Ape

There’s a new documentary about bikinis
It’s two parts and very revealing

I don’t want to watch that atoll

To be honest, I think I’ve nailed it with this one. We may as well pack up the topic now, as no one can top that. And I’m gloating about it. Dad joke perfection.

[Blonde_Bunny]

I went to a ‘music themed’ fancy dress party as a harp.

The host said “You’re not a harp, your costume is too small!”

Furiously, I replied “Are you calling me a lyre?”

[Toy_Fan]

John O’Reilly hoisted his beer and said, “Here’s to spending the rest of me Life, between the legs of me wife!”

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!

He went home and told his wife, Mary, “I won the prize for the Best toast of the night.”

She said, “Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?”

John said, “Here’s to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife.”

"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!” Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John’s drinking buddies on the street Corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, “John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary.”

She said, “Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he’s only been in there twice in the last four years. Once I had to pull him by the ears to make him come, and the other time he fell asleep”.

[a_wol]

paddy found out his wife is going to have triplets, he askes her when did they conceive ?
Wife: mind that night I was a bit dry and you used that 3 in 1 oil ?
paddy: Jesus I’m just glad I didn’t use the WD40

[FL45H]

What should you do if your partner starts smoking?

Slow down and apply more lube!

[FL45H]

The other night my wife and I had parked in a quiet road for a bit of fun when a policeman caught us…

He gave me a ticket for doing 69 in a 30mph zone!

[neonblueram1973]

Why dont vegans moan during sex. Because they dont want admit that a little meat makes them happy.

[matt3481]

Saw a good one today and quite relevant, what’s the difference between paraffin and petrol?

There’s two eff’s in paraffin and no effin petrol