A pie walks into a pub, The barman says “Sorry we don’t serve food in here.”
8 Likes
I went to a fancy restaurant, I ordered the pelican stew.
The bill was enormous
8 Likes
I was offered an operation to make my penis touch the floor, I wasn’t told they were going to cut my legs off!!
8 Likes
I’ve just had a golf ball removed from my bum.
The doctor said it had gone up a fairway.
11 Likes
Why did the ranch blush?
He saw the salad dressing
6 Likes
Did you hear about the proctologist whose girlfriend cheated on him?
It totally rectum
7 Likes
“Dad why is my sister named Teresa?”
Dad: Because your mum loves Easter and Teresa is an anagram of Easter…
“Ok thanks Dad”
Dad: No problem Alan
11 Likes
What did the ocean say to the beach?
Nothing, it just waved
5 Likes
I asked Mrs Balls if she would like to try a new position?
She said ok ill try anything once.
I said it’s called the wheel barrow.
She said ok, but not to go past her Mums house.
5 Likes
The women in france are clamouring to have sex with english rugby players…
They love a man who can stay on top for seventy-seven minutes and, still come second
9 Likes
Doctor doctor I have a cake sticking out of my butt.
OK I’ll give you some cream for it
Badampsh….
4 Likes
A priest, a pastor and a rabbit entered a clinic to donate blood. The nurse asks the rabbit, “What’s your blood type?”
“I think I’m a Type O” replied the rabbit.
6 Likes
Doctor walking down the street, goes up to this man and says
Bloke bloke
3 Likes
What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend.
Wiped his arse.
I’ll get my coat…..
6 Likes
The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers. A lady stood and walked to the podium. She said, “I have a praise. Two months ago, my husband Tom had a terrible bicycle wreck, and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn’t know if they could help him.” “Tom was unable to hold me or the children,” she went on, “and every move caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Tom’s scrotum and wrap wire around it to hold it in place.” The men in the congregation squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Tom. “Now,” she announced in a quavering voice, “thank the Lord Tom is out of the hospital, and the doctors say that with time his scrotum should recover completely.” All the men sighed with relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say. A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium. He said “I’m Tom.” The entire congregation held its breath.. "I just want to tell my wife that the word is sternum.”
11 Likes
What’s the difference between Saudi Arabia and Abu Dhabi?
Saudi Arabia doesn’t have the Flintstones but Abu Dhabi Doo!!
7 Likes
A postman had been delivering letters all day in pouring rain. By late afternoon he was soaked, muddy, and exhausted.
He had just one final letter left, but unfortunately it was two miles down a narrow country lane.
By the time he reached the house he looked like he’d been mud wrestling.
He shut the garden gate, turned around…
…and suddenly a massive Rottweiler jumped up, putting two huge paws on his chest.
The postman froze.
Just then a little old lady leaned out of the upstairs window and shouted,
“Don’t worry, son! Just kick his balls!”
The postman yelled back,
“WHAT?!”
She shouted again,
“Kick his balls and he’ll leave you alone! - he loves it”
Now the postman was wearing heavy size-12 steel-toe boots, the proper military kind.
So he took a step back and WHACK! — booted the dog square between the legs.
The dog let out a terrible howl took a step back and growled angrily at the postie.
The old lady screamed,
“You’re in BIG trouble now!”
The postman gasped,
“Why?! You told me to kick his balls!”
The old lady sighed and said,
“I meant the squeaky ones on the lawn beside you!”
11 Likes
“I just came across my wife’s Tinder profile and I’m so angry about her lies. She is not “fun to be around.””
8 Likes
A man and a woman who had never met before found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a Trans-continental train. Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly. He was in the top bunk and she was in the bottom.
At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying, “Excuse me, I’m sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the wardrobe get me a second blanket? I’m awfully cold.”
“I have a better idea,” she replied. “Just for tonight, let’s pretend we’re married.”
“Wow! That’s a great idea!” he exclaimed.
“Good,” she replied. “Get your own fucking blanket.”
After a moment of silence, he farted.
11 Likes
A bear was walking through the forest and saw a rabbit, the bear asked the rabbit, “do you have trouble with shit sticking to your fur” the rabbit said”no”. So the bear wiped his arse with the rabbit.
8 Likes