What is hairy on the outside. Soft and wet on the inside. Starts with C and ends with T and has a U and N in the middle?
A Coconut
Do you smoke after sex?
Depends how fast I'm thrusting.
LongLee wrote:
What is hairy on the outside. Soft and wet on the inside. Starts with C and ends with T and has a U and N in the middle?
A Coconut
I knew it wouldnt be so simple but my dirty mind still put me in the c*** direction.
Bravo!
Guy went into hospital for a hernia op. Theatre nurse spoke to her fellow nurse later and said a guy had been in theatre with SWAN tattooed on his cock.
The following day the nurse gave him a bed bath. Later on she met her theatre ward mate and told her it wasn't SWAN, it was SASKATCHEWAN. Apparently he was Canadian.
Husband: My wife is missing. She went shopping yesterday and has not come home...
Sergeant: What is her height?
Husband: Gee, I’m not sure. A little over five-feet tall.
Sergeant: Weight?
Husband: Don’t know. Not slim, not really fat.
Sergeant: Color of eyes?
Husband: Never noticed.
Sergeant: Color of hair?
Husband: Changes a couple times a year. Maybe dark brown.
Sergeant: What was she wearing?
Husband: Could have been a skirt or shorts. I don’t remember exactly.
Sergeant: What kind of car did she go in?
Husband: She went in my sports car.
Sergeant: What kind of sports car was it?
Husband: Well. It is a Mercedes-Benz C63 AMG 6.3 7G-Tronic Edition 125 Coupe finished In Magnetite Black Metallic with Black Leather AMG Sport Seats and Brushed Aluminium plus Piano Black Cappings; Unmarked 19" AMG Multispoke Alloy Wheels; Tyre Pressure Monitoring; Panoramic Glass Electric Tilt/Slide Sunroof; COMAND Online with HDD Wide Screen Satellite Navigation, Bluetooth Telephone Connectivity, Multi-Media Interface (MP3, Ipod etc), Superb Sound System With DAB and Harman-Kardon Sound Upgrade; Leather Trimmed AMG Multi-Function Steering Wheel with Paddle Shift; Parktronic Front and Rear Parking Sensors; Parking Assist; Attention Assist; Speed Limit Assist; Electrically adjustable, heated door Mirrors with Powerfold; Electrically Adjustable with Heated Front Sport Seats with Memory; Electrically Adjustable Steering Column; Bi-Xenon Headlights with Powerwash and Auto Activation; LED Daytime Running Lights; Cruise Control; Rear Privacy Glass; AMG Carpet Overmats...
At this point the husband started choking up.
Sergeant: Don’t worry, pal. We’ll find your car...
Thanks for the laughs plz keep them coming x
Why was the washing machine laughing???
Because it was taking the piss out of the knickers!!!!!
Old Mother Hubbard
Went to the cupboard
to fetch her poor dog a bone.
When she bent over
Rover took over,
And gave her a bone of his own.
A woman goes into a sex shop asks for a large dildo. The assistant gets out an 8 inch dildo and shows it to her.
"Oh no, that's much too small, don't you have anything larger" the lady says. The assistant gets out a 10 inch dildo.
"Oh no, that's much too small, don't you have anything larger" the lady says. The assistant gets out a 12 inch dildo.
"Oh no, that's much too small, don't you have anything larger" the lady says. The assistant gets out a 15 inch dildo.
"Oh no, that's much too small, don't you have anything larger" the lady says. The assistant gets out a 18 inch dildo.
"Oh no, that's much too small, don't you have anything larger" the lady says. The assistant says that it is the largest they stock and they don't have anytthing else.
The lady tiurns around to walk out and sees something in the corner on the floor that catches her eye. "That's what I want, that's the size, I want that one" she says
"Sorry, madam" the assistant replies, "you can't have that".
"Why not" asks the lady
"Because that's our fire extinguisher..."
Knock knock
Whose there
Nick
Nic who
Nickerless girls should never climb trees
Terrible I know but always makes me smile x
Bump!
2 men went 2 a callgirl.
1st went in and came out n said
"Na my wife is better."
2nd went in and came out n said
"U R right ur wife is much better."
The one with the husband and his sports car made me LMAO! :)))
Husband "why are there broken condoms on the couch?"
Wife "will you please start calling our kids by their real names"
Here goes...
One day an old German Shepherd starts chasing rabbits and before long, discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a panther heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.
The old German Shepherd thinks, 'Oh, oh! I'm in deep doo-doo now!' Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the panther is about to leap, the old German Shepherd exclaims loudly, 'Boy, that was one delicious panther! I wonder, if there are any more around here?'
Hearing this, the young panther halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. 'Whew!' says the panther, 'That was close! That old German Shepherd nearly had me!'
Meanwhile, a squirrel who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the panther. So, off he goes, but the old German Shepherd sees him heading after the panther with great speed, and figures that something must be up.
The squirrel soon catches up with the panther, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the panther.
The young panther is furious at being made a fool of and says, 'Here, squirrel, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!
Now, the old German Shepherd sees the panther coming with the squirrel on his back and thinks, 'What am I going to do now?', but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old German Shepherd says....
'Where's that squirrel? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another panther!