How to get female partner to orgasm - tips please

Hi all! I’m new here so I am a little embarrassed but here goes…
So, my girlfriend and I have been together for about a year, and we’ve been having sex for maybe 7 months. In this time, she’s never orgasmed. I’ve searched the forums here and the top tip seems to be “let her get herself there first” - Issue is, she doesn’t masturbate and she really doesn’t feel good from herself, even if she does the same things I do.

I’ve recently bought a Clitoral suction toy, and I also have a magic wand, but she always gets too sensitive and closes her legs (obviously moving the toy off her clitoris) She doesn’t actually want to close her legs, but it’s just how her body reacts.

Now, I’m hardly a pro with these toys, I don’t really know what I’m doing with them, but I tend to focus on her clit, but normally end up getting too excited and turn up the power (though the magic wand is so powerful my girlfriend struggles with it even on its lowest setting).

Is there any tips anyone would give for this situation? It doesn’t annoy me or anything that she doesn’t orgasm, I just want her to. I love her and want her to feel good :slight_smile:

Thanks all!


Sounds like a good old fashioned conversation is required - ask her.

She may need more foreplay and other parts of her body stimulated longer or in a different manner before traversing south? So many might be’s?

Speaking as a heterosexual male that’s what I’d do.

Good luck


I have tried asking her, problem is she’s very unsure. I’ll try asking her again though - no harm trying!
Thanks for the reply :smiley:


Get her to write her thoughts down if that’s easier? I like? I’d like to try?

You could compare notes?!!!

Have fun with it

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Ooh, that’s a great idea actually! I never thought of that :slight_smile:

Thanks so much for the reply!

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Just read your Hello!

Had not appreciated your young ages - don’t rush her or sex either - I don’t think many (any?) of us knew what we wanted or could do at that age.

Incremental steps - no rush to try everything by Sunday!

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Thank you! And you’re right, there’s still lots to try and learn! Thank you for the support :smiley:

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If she is finding the wand too intense, try using it through her clothing or at least her underwear. If she is comfortable with it (and this may be too much right now), you could hold her legs apart or restrain her so she can’t close them.

Otherwise, try spending as much time turning her on without touching her clitoris as possible. Start on her face and work your way down, kissing, stroking, literally everywhere (even places that aren’t traditionally sexy). When you get to her vulva, lightly blow on it, but stroke down the sides and then focus on her thighs and down her legs. Whisper compliments and make appreciative noises.

Essentially, you need to get her in the most relaxed, blissed out yet turned on mood as possible. Make her really crave you. Focus on the pleasure not the orgasm.


Thank you for the reply! I admittedly do tend to neglect Foreplay more than I should… I always get too excited :joy: I’ll try that, I plan to have a lengthy session later so I’ll be sure to see what I can do :slight_smile:


I do have a clitoral suction vibrator, which we got yesterday which she enjoyed, I think it’s less intense but she did end up getting too sensitive. I’ve never actually asked her to hold a toy before, she’s pretty shy and nervous (and gets very embarrassed) with stuff like this but it’s always worth a shot.

She does like internal stimulation, she really likes sex positions which stimulate her G spot, and she goes crazy to have her cervix pounded against (which I know is painful to some but she loves it, luckily I’m able to hit it easily :slight_smile: ) She has told me before she does enjoy clit stimulation and that I didn’t do it enough (hence why I got the new suction vibrator) I plan to use the suction toy again on her tonight, but I think I’m gonna go with a slow and steady approach, and just keep it on a low setting and see what effect that has. Yesterday I started low but quickly turned it up quite high and it was too much for her.

It’s a shame she isn’t willing to explore her own body, but she has tried it in front of me before and it really doesn’t do it for her. She is submissive too in our sex life so that might be why.

You’ve given me some really good tips and some stuff to think about, thank you so much!


You seem to have received some really good ideas / tips from folk. You should also be congratulated in that you want to make her happy and you are prepared to take your time with things. Good luck with things.


Hmm if the low vibrations are too strong for her then maybe try these toys with no vibration at all and see if she can find a pleasure from that and then gradually she could build up to using vibrations again?


That’s a good idea, would be a nice next step, thank you!

Thank you all, your tips have been read and taken on board (I don’t wanna spam replies) I really appreciate the time taken to share your advice :blush:

Its very tempting to skip to the end with sex sometimes (we’re all done it, i know i have) but fore play is not just really important but a pleasure in its own right. Sex isn’t just the rush to hit orgasm (in fact for some types of sex the whole point is not to orgasm, but to ride the pleasure of the build up).
So maybe try to slow down and enjoy the skin to skin contact with your partner.

Work your way over all the curves and little quirks that make them unique. There are a ton of secondary erogenous zones that are in less obvious places (like behind the ear and the small of the back, behind the knee, fingertips etc. You can google lists of them, but everyone has their own quirks too) and finding all the places your partner enjoys being touched is an adventure in its own right.

Starting with Massage is also a good option if you find you go too fast as it forces you to slow down.

Working up to mutual masturbation or oral instead of PIV might also be a good option as it’ll give you an opportunity to learn what she likes before mixing in toys. Ask her to tell you if it feels good, then experiment and explore together.

Next time you use a toy, maybe get her to put her hand on yours and just guide you. She might find that easier if she’s shy about using it on her own.

Just a thought, but wands and suction toys are some of the stronger toys out there. Warming her up properly may help with the sensitivity alot (if i go in almost cold with a wand it is definitely too much for me) but theres also the possibility theyre just too strong for her.
We’re all different after all.


Thanks for your reply! One quirk I fortunately have is that it takes me like, an age to orgasm, so I certainly can go slow, I just need to slow my brain down. Looking forward to trying out some foreplay later…

I’m really not great with oral, I want to be good at it, but I struggle with the taste and am not very good at actually performing it. I have flavoured lube but that doesn’t last forever. But I will certainly try touching her down there before working in toys.

That’s a fantastic idea! We haven’t tried her guiding my hand before, I’m sure she’d be much more comfortable doing that, thanks for the idea!

Yeah, we’ve tried a bullet vibe before, but she really didn’t like it, she found it too weak, the wand is too powerful, but the suction toy does have some gentler settings which I’m going to try and focus on tonight, might help to not overwhelm her.

Thanks so much for the tips, much appreciated!


You can google guides, but its also going to be experimentation, feedback and practice really. We all starts out being bad at things though. No one is instantly a master at giving hand jobs, even to themselves. So don’t let it discourage you.

Have you tried eating a mint before going down. Old medics trick, numbs your sense of taste and smell slightly.

Which bullet did you have out of curiosity? Maybe have a look at the mantric range, theyr a good one to try. Plus If she gets one with one of them, chances are others will work for in that range as they all use the same frequency of vibrations (they go onsale often too)
Desire is also a good range and the bullet is very nice and rumbly.

(All else fails lovehoney has an excellent returns policy)

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That’s true. Can’t get better if I don’t practice I guess, ha.

Nope, never tried eating a mint before, something to try for sure.

Ah, just the Lovehoney 10 function bullet. It wasn’t expensive but it really didn’t work for us. How do you even use Bullets? I assume they go on the clip but my gf really didn’t get off to it at all… maybe the bullet was just weak, maybe I just sucked with it haha. I’ll look at the ones you linked, thanks!

Crikey a wand for a novice is a bit much!!!

Hell, we’ve been using vibes for years, my wife still can’t take a powerful wand like the doxy for more than 2 or 3 minutes on lowest setting, and then she’s numbed.

I would recommend a small bullet vibrator.
And don’t feel like you need to ramp it up, my wife usually comes from the constant lowest speed, and she prefers the slow build up that gives her. The advantage of a bullet too, is that it’s very small amd will fit in most positions,and really aren’t threatening size wise.

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Ah, that makes sense why she struggles so much with the wand then, I’m going to try the clitoral suction vibratory again tonight, but I’m just going to keep it low, to see if that helps her, we tried a bullet once but it didn’t work for us, but that may have been because it wasn’t a great bullet, as Green-eyed Girl mentioned.

Thanks for the reply!