How to make my boyfriend desire me again!

Sex Tips & Talk
1

Heya everyone, sorry this is going to be long and rambly!

I've been with my boyfriend for just over two years and things are good. We're in our mid 20s, we don't live together but we see each other most weekends. He's very lovely and friendly and thoughtful and he makes me laugh and smile. We do nice things together, have lots in common and, most importantly, I love him to bits.

But..... I just don't feel like he really WANTS me! Like, he tells me he loves me all the time and that's great. But he doesn't compliment me very much. I try to make an effort with my appearance and I exercise to stay slim and healthy. I don't feel like he notices.

I'm always up for trying new things in the bedroom, I try to make it exciting but just feel like he's not that bothered. Don't get me wrong, every so often we'll have a blow out session and it's intense and sexy and he'll tie me up. But it's just not often enough for me. I have a higher sex drive than him but I feel like I'm bugging him if I initiate it more than once in a weekend!

I was reading a post on here the other day (I'm a forum lurker but never posted!) and guys were saying their ideal body type was their wife/partner/gf. Saying she's gorgeous with amazing curves, just perfect, gushing about how lucky they were to have this amazing woman. I don't feel like he thinks that about me. I don't feel adored. I can walk around in my underwear and he won't look up from his phone.

I read tips on how to spice things up a bit. But I don't know how he'd react! I send him a sexy text or pic... it gets ignored, overlooked, he replies with a joke. I can't imagine doing a strip tease or anything like that because he just doesn't make me feel confident enough to do so. I'd feel like an idiot!

I'm not naive. I don't expect it to be like when we first met and it was new and exciting. I expect things to change between us. But I was doing some thinking today and I realised that I felt pretty much exactly the same with my ex boyfriend. I didn't feel sexy, sex got boring to the point where I hated doing it, it was dull, nothing exciting. But when I tried to spice things up I got knocked down.

That relationship was bad, and I really don't want things to go that way. I really love this guy. Please help, any tips on what I can do?

2

Would I be out of place saying men get used to having something? I do personally, and the thought of losing it motivates me. Maybe he feels too comfortable in the idea of security, and doesn't show his gratitude because of that?

3

My personal opinion is to talk to him about it, tell him how you feel and ask him how he feels. It may not be that he isn't attacted to you at all. He may have just got comfortable with what he has and doesn't realise he needs to say it/ show it. Though I do say and show my OH how attractive I think he is.

4

I'm sure some people will say I'm giving bad advice, but personally if I was you I'd take his phone out of his hands, and tell him point blank that he needs to decide which is more important, your relationship - and everything that goes with it, or his precious phone. I've been married to my wife for 9 years, and still look at her every day and appreciate her, sure we don't have sex as much as we used to, but when we do it is always special, I spend every day trying to do everything I can to make her life better and treat her the way she deserves, even if that's sometimes just a smack on the ass and telling her how much I want to rip her clothes off ;)

Some(many) men get too comfortable and forget that if they don't treat their women right they won't be there one day, and the only way to fix that is to tell them that if they don't want you you can easily find someone else who will cherish you.

5

Thanks for replying! I totally get what you're saying, but I don't want to make him feel less secure in order to make him want me if that makes sense? I don't want to go cold, I don't want to threaten the relationship in order to make him realise what he needs to do. How do I change that?

I'd love to just be able to sit down and talk to him about it. But he is the hardest guy to sit down and talk to! He makes a joke out of everything... using humour as a defense mechanism I wonder... and trying to have a serious conversation with him about feelings and sex is just so difficult. But I will try, I know it's necessary.

Again, it's hard. Because if you sit down and talk about sex and your feelings about it you instantly put more pressure on having sex. I don't want to pressure him, because then he'll want it even less!

Amanda, if that is you in your profile pic and your butt in those panties then seriously you have nothing to worry about! Be confident because you're stunning! I'm pretty happy with my body and my appearance. Like everyone, I have my hang ups but I try not to let them hold me back. But because he gives me very little attention and few compliments, I can't help but worry that he's just not attracted to me at all :( xx

6

Hi loveisallyouneed, welcome to the forums :)

I would strongly urge you to speak with your boyfriend. Men do get used to how things are and don't often realise that us women need constant reassurances. Tell him how you're feeling and ask him if he can make more of an effort to express his appreciation for you. I had this problem and it made my sex drive take a nose dive. I ended up bringing it up with my husband, who settled all of my worries. I asked him if he found me attractive and he told me he did, and I know this! This was a shock to me, but because he'd told me a while ago he seemed to think that it would still apply now! But now he makes sure he reminds me now and then and it does make me feel good a it myself.

Good luck x

7

Tromain... just seen your post. Don't think that's bad advice at all! All advice is welcome. And wow, you sound like an amazing husband, she's a lucky lady.

I'm not saying we have to have sex every day..but just some teasing, some physical contact and build up, increasing the sexual tension like a sexy text or a slap on the ass would be great!

I try, but it's not returned to me. The other day I sent him a saucy message saying that I'd just had a great orgasm whilst I was thinking about him. He could have asked what I was thinking about, how I masturbated, said that he wanted me. Even if he just said "nice" it would have been fine.

He sent me a joke. I wanted to kill him.

8

He doesn't smack your ass?

I thought that was generally a given and common place :p.

9

I try my best to be a good husband - and father - but I know I have quite a few major flaws, the biggest problem is that I have bipolar disorder. I know living with me can become a major pain in the ass when I'm extremely depressed so I make damned sure I show how much I appreciate my wife to try and balance it out.

If you don't want to put too much pressure on it you could make the whole convo a semi-joke. Take the phone away, turn off tvs and radios etc, and ask him simple questions like do you still love me, do you still fancy me, what do you find most attractive about me etc etc. Open ended questions that leave a lot of room for him to talk about. At the very end if it goes well and he gives you compliments give him a kiss and say something silly like "See, you CAN compliment me, and you DIDN'T die! Keep that up and I might have to spoil you!" Reverse the situation so YOU made the joke and it might give a little reality check.

Threats of ending relationships are never fun, and should never be done lightly, but sometimes as a last resort it is exactly what is needed, I experienced that on the 4th year of being married, I began to spend more time playing on my xbox 360 then talking/looking at my wife(I wasn't aware of the problem) and after almost a year of it my wife gave me the ultimatum, game less and have a family, or carry on alone. Major eye opener that saved our marriage.

I hope you can get the problem sorted, every woman deserves to feel like a goddess, and I do mean EVERY woman. There is no such thing as perfect, we all have flaws and hangups, and it's those very flaws that make us all special and unique, I must say it pains me to see so many women being so down on their looks, because when I see the women putting themselves down all I can see is special unique things about them that make them gorgeous.

Sorry for the long rant! To sum up, women LOVE your bodies, because you are SEXY! Men, love your bodies, you too are SEXY!

10

Was he ever a real touchy feely and sexually excitable man? I know when we all start a new relationship it all is so exciting and new so we might not realise our partners are not as extroverted about sex as we our. It's only after a period of time when all the ' newness" of a relationship settled that we see these things and we start to think they have gone off us!
So maybe he's just never been as highly sexually as you, so don't take it personally.

My one piece of advice I always give on here is that communication is vital. If you can't sit down and talk to him about how you feel bet cause he makes a joke out of it ( prob due to insecuraity himself) then I always advise people write down there feeling and give them a letter. No one takes the time to write a letter these days, so when someone gets one it shows a lot of time and effort has gone into it. It also means he can take time to read over everything and process it. The. You can arrange to sit down and talk it through

11

Maybe try a little surprise for him, get yourself some sexy lingerie and completely surprise him out of the blue and watch his jaw hit the floor, I've only been with my partner around 6 months but we both have done little spontaneous surprises for each other and have loved the others reaction x

12

Just a quick note for now.

Partly, this may be you encountering a common problem with males, they are lousy at complimenting their partners, they do not realise the need to refresh and repeat expressions of their affection. They do not realise that 'less than enthusiastic' responses are taken so negatively.

The humour as defence mechanism behaviour would probably also suggest that he struggles to express his feelings, both verbally and physically, and he is unsure of himself anyway. So a strong response would make him feel more vulnerable.

Will look back in after sleep.

13

Ahhhh I could have written this post, in almost every relationship I have been in. I went through the same thing you are going through now, wondering why all these men everywhere else seemed to be always wanting sex with their partner, yet mine were more interested in xbox/tv/sleep! Everything you wrote in your initial post, I experienced lots of times over. In fact, it was only a few years ago that I came to realise what the "problem" was. I am going to try and explain what I believe to be the issues going on here:

1) Our society hasn't moved on as fast as us females have in this sexual revolution. What do I mean by that? Well, us women can now own our sexuality, go for it, enjoy it without shame etc and we do and it is amazing, but the problem is that society is still telling us, pushhing unconscious thoughts into our heads from a young age, as males and females, that "Men are after one thing" or "Men always want sex" and that women should be more choosy and careful not to be labelled "slut" Okay, now here is the problem.....Men are NOT always after one thing, nor do they always want sex and yes, they do indeed turn sex down. Do you know I see the issue you posted in myself and in more and more women lately and I believe it is because we almost have it unconsciously drummed into us through TV/friends/parents/magazines the lot, that men always want sex and its heartbreaking to see so many young women wonder what is wrong with them. I went through ten years of this exact hurt and all because I thought men were supposed to always be up for it, so why wasnt mine? Yes, blokes in the pub, or blokes online will even say things to continue this myth because its not manly (or whatever the correct term is) to be telling mates they "dont feel like sex tonight" Does this make sense? Its like this myth is going around, breaking womens confidence down and putting so much pressure on men to perform as us ladies enjoy our new sexual freedom. But we are hurting each other.

2) Taking things for granted. As you already pointed out, after the honeymoon period, things on the sex front tend to die down. It is another myth that if you love someone, it should be easy and no work at all. This is twaddle. We must always continue to make little efforts to show appreciation for our partners, but as you settle into a relationship and all the stresses and time consuming events of life happen, we tend to put our partners on the back burner, often being too tired, or just wanting to sleep or relax when we finally walk through the door after a hard day. I think your partner may be doing this. Yeah he loves you and fancies you, but a little work is needed to keep a relationship bubbling with passion. I would suggest telling him you feel you have both been taking each other for granted and wouldnt it be nice to put aside "us" time, once or twice a week/month, where there are no distractions like phones or xbox. Have a date night/movie night etc and chat and have fun

3) When its available all the time...it aint as fun. Now this is going to sound harsh, but remember, this is coming from a woman who experienced this issue with multiple partners and for ten years before realising this golden nugget of truth: I have a super high sex drive, like you, and I also more often than not, made the first moves. The thing is....when you have an endless supply of cake, every night...you know you can have cake, it kinda gets a bit...taken for granted that cake will always be available at any time. Why do I know this? My guy told me. During one of our heart to hearts when I was experiencing this same issue as you, I asked his opinions and he basically outright told me that I am always the aggressor, there is nothing for him to work for. Men like a little challenge, a little conquering, the thrill of the chase, the trying to get what they want. I think this is kinda genetically a man thing, to be the go-getter, to "win" or "earn" something and here I was, jumping on him every night, not giving him the chance to miss it, not giving him the chance to WANT it, not giving him the chance to work for it. Now this is a difficult one when you have a high sex drive, but I honestly recommend sorting yourself out in the bathroom every night and allow him to "conquer" you. Don't give in right away, make the chase fun, this gives him the chance to chase.

Aside from the above advise hunni, I also echo what everyone else has said about talking to him and telling him how you feel. Tell him how you feel too, ya know? I know how hurtful and disheartening this can feel, but if you let it simmer, you will end up feeling resentful and angrier. I did with my exes. I am just glad I managed to communicate better with my current guy and I learned a lot. Also remember, mismatched sex drives are extremely common issue in relationships. compromise is key. x

Good luck

14

Taking his phone away and putting it to one side, turning off the tv and sitting on his lap then crooning "do you still love me" etc might work! Definitely worth a try! I think I'll see how things go over the next couple of weeks and if it's still not going well then an ultimatum might be in order :(

Oh I've written letters that I've just never given to him, I find it a good way to release and feel better. Maybe he should actually receive one sometime.

Was he ever very touchy feely? Yes, and he still is. But it's more hugging and holding hands, playful, friendly touching rather than sensual touching. I don't like to compare this relationship with ex boyfriends and flings. But I was sort of seeing a guy a few years ago and he just couldn't keep his hands off me. If we were watching tv he'd be stroking my hair, in bed he'd run his hands all over my body, massage me. It was incredible and I just always knew that he wanted me. I miss that feeling.

Problems with sex did start fairly early in our relationship. I didn't really feel connected to him but I think it was just because he was my first proper relationship in a while and I was a bit freaked out! I don't think he's ever had a very high sex drive but because I was so smitten with him I didn't really notice it.

Ah Fluffbags, hitting the nail on the head there! Aside from Samantha in sex and the city, it is always portrayed that men want sex more than women. Cosmopolitan will tell you that men think about sex every 15 seconds, masturbate a trillion times a day, always be up for sex. It's just not true is it?!

Yes, we do need to work on things. We go on date nights, dinner and a movie, but the damn phone is always there and it prevents us from chatting. I'm putting a ban on that damn thing for a whole night. And yeah, he does just want to come home and chill out but I don't like that he sees sex as a massive effort to make. When I initiate it I can practically feel him sighing and thinking "I guess we could".

I totally understand the cake thing, but I've tried not offering it to him all the time, and all we did was have no sex and I felt mega frustrated! I just worry that if I don't seem bothered about it then we won't ever have sex. He works away quite a lot, I haven't seen him for two weeks, nothing like a bit of long distance to get the fire burning right? Wrong! It just doesn't seem to make any difference. I still feel like he's impatient with me.

I know I have to talk to him, I'll try. Maybe not the next time I see him because it will be the first time we've seen each other in a while and I don't want to be on his case. But maybe the time after that.

Thanks xx

15

You are right about the phone etc. It is not really possible to be giving your focus to your partner if constantly distracted by something. Durex recently launched their "Turn Off To Turn On" campaign and it really shows the point you and I are making. You can see the campaign video here:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9kpbiuxJpPE

I hear you, about worrying if you stop making moves, you will never have sex. Some things that jumped into my mind when I read that (especially someone who has gone through this) is as follows:

Are you starting to resent the fact that you know during sex that you would not be having it right now if you had not made the move? Are you starting to suspect or feel resentful that he is only having sex with you because you were the one pushing for it to happen? I sense that you are, from your "I can practically hear him sighing" Hunni, do you really want to feel like someone is forcing themselves to have sex with you? It will strip your confidence down to zero, trust me!

I also agree that two or three weeks passing, being apart from each other, should have the fires burning at least some by the time you are back with each other. I can't explain what is going on in his head, but I think it is definitely time to approach him with exactly how you feel. Like you have told us here, and to talk talk talk until you figure out what is going on.

Either he just does have an extremely low sex drive, or maybe he is suffering depression, stress or is working so hard that he has nothing left to give. Maybe he has issues with sex, unspoken issues so far, like performance anxiety, nerves, a dislike for sexual acts etc etc. All of this is possible. Maybe he has some hidden resentments about something and is pulling away for some reason or another? There are so so many possibilities.

I think yeah, your best bet it is to communicate now. I would suggest communicating how you feel. Try to avoid sentances that start with "You" for example "You never want sex with me" and try using "I" as much as possible, eg "I feel upset that we don't..." In other words, if you try to avoid getting his defenses up and approach this as a problem to solve together, to work towards a compromise, then I think he might open up more and hopefully tell you why he is not feeling like sex. When he gives you the reasons, you can start working on those, to help him reduce the issue.

But at the end of the day, when all is said and done, if it turns out to be that he won't admit to any issue and seems happy with sex once a month or two, then you have to decide if you can cope with that huge mismatch in the long term. I mean, if my partner had been away for two or three weeks, came home and SIGHED at me when I wanted to be intimate with him, I dunno if I could take that, long term. One of my exes called me a "whore" for wanting more sex with him than he wanted with me. The point is..don't let it get to a stage where you have all your confidence and self esteem stripped away, blaming yourself "I must be ugly" or "I must be crap" etc.

In other words, always remember that people have different drives, you are not wrong in any way for wanting sex once a day, nor is he wrong for wanting it once a year if that was his desire. Neither of you are wrong, but you are just very mismatched. If this is the case, you have to either compromise or accept you are so mismatched or decide if it is just too much of an issue that you cannot accept and move on to avoid resentments and problems later in the relationship.

I hope you guys manage to figure out whats going on and can compromise together.

16

Omg I love that advert! That's amazing.

Thanks for all the advice Fluffbags. I'm seeing him in a few days after two weeks apart and over three weeks since we last had sex. I realise that sometimes when I'm apart from him for a while I tend to over analyse our relationship a little bit. I've been having a hard time with lots of things recently and have been quite low. So maybe it's not as bad as I'm making out.

Anyway to give me a bit of a confidence boost I went shopping and bought some new clothes (fairly tight and revealing!). The shop assistant asked me if I was looking for anything in particular and all I could think was Samantha from SATC telling a shop assistant "I want something that's going to make a guy come in his pants the moment he sees me".

I'm hoping that seeing me in some new get up will arouse him a little! We'll have to see what happens.

I'm fully prepared to have a good talk with him if things don't go how I want them to. Thanks again fluffbags, it's good to remember not to start sentences with "you", Don't want to sound accusing. I will keep you posted! xxx

17

So.. I saw him. And things were good. We had good sex, he took me out for dinner, we watched a move, he complimented my new dress and said I looked good. It was all fine, and I felt like I had been worrying over nothing.

We had sex once, I kinda see that as a warm up. So I tried it on again a couple of times and it didn't happen. I've been pretty stressed out lately and I just felt like all my worries just bubbled over and I couldn't help it. I cried... a lot. Feel like an idiot. But, we did at least finally talk about it.

He said he's just more of a once a day kinda guy, it's not that he doesn't want me or doesn't find me attractive. Just that once a day is enough for him. I said that was okay but that I was getting upset about it because I felt like it was because of me and felt rejected. He said he would try harder.

But I'm just pissed at myself for being such a girl and crying, I just wanted it to be a grown up conversation! What is wrong with me?! I'm glad we talked and I figure that if we're only going to have sex once a day or less, we'll just have to make that one time really special and make it last. Spend lots of time on foreplay rather than just see it as a warm up activity for more sex.

He has a lower sex drive than me and I have to respect that. But there were a few other things that came out of our conversation. I sent him an email (taking the advice about writing him a letter!) to better explain how I was feeling about everything and really opened up. He replied saying thank you for being open and honest and that he'd ring me later. Well... he hasn't called. So I'm just feeling like I've put myself out there and don't know how he's feeling. Feeling sad and worried :( x

18

Crossing my fingers for you.

19

So a couple of things I would say, relating to your last message:

You probably already know this, but most guys erm.....take a while to refill. See, us females can orgasm again and again 9Well, some of us can. I am a one orgasm type of women) but males actually physically cannot go again for a while after sex. They get pumped full of hormones that literally zap all arousal they had before and although sometimes it can be possible for them to go again within half hour so so, this is more of an exception.

So, I think if you want to experience more orgasms, or a drawn out session, or a few sessions in one day, you need to not let him orgasm. My partner and I are massively into chastity, tease and denial and I can give you plenty of info on that if interested, but if you want to keep him keen, don't let him orgasm until your through and satisfied.

Next thing: once a day is actually pretty good! 2 to 3 times a week is supposedly average ish. I can see why asking him to go multiple times a day might be too much for him. First because of the whole issue with his arousal dipping very low after orgasm (And that can take a while to get back for guys) and secondly because he might be physically knackered! Once a day is actually quite good going and actually, once a day would be considered a high sex drive. Lots of us cannot keep up with having it every single day.

So I am telling you all this to reassure you that he definitely desires you and clearly wants you. I can see a lot of myself in you, when I was younger. Probably sounds like an obvious question, but do you find that you look towards sex as validation of his love for you. Validation of your own desireability? Most of us do to some extent, but if you get rejected whilst having a strong connection with sex to love and your own self esteem, it can cause massive upset.

My advice would be this:

Once a day is pretty damn good, most of us cannot manage this! If he can, then you are with a man who actually does have quite a high sex drive, so...baring in mind he probably cannot physically orgasm multiple times a day, I would either work a situation where he is not allowed to orgasm until you are done, or also accept that you might need to "take care of your own needs" at times.

Lastly:, regarding the phone call Men can take a while to go and think about things. Some guys find it more difficult to communicate and tend to back away and hope it will magically get better. Some hope that if you aint saying anything, its probably fixed, but yeah...I think he will call, but is probably spending so much time thinking about what to say, or worrying he wont say it right...that hes put it off. I think as females our natural reaction is to want to talk it out, but men like to try and go away and solve the problem in their minds and dont like approaching it without a solution lol. So we get all panicky or frustrated when he hasnt called. Try not to feel sad. I am sure you will hear from him soon. xx

20

I'd just like to second everything Fluffbags has said. The main thing that jumped out to me when reading your last post was that once a day is pretty damn good! I'm sure it can be a bit frustrating when you have a really high sex drive and want it more than that, but maybe asking him to manage more than that is asking a little much?

Hope everything works out well for you :-)