Hubby got no interest

Sex Tips & Talk
1

Ok, I'll apologise first as this might end up being a bit of an essay, but I'd really appreciate some advice so thanks in advance for bearing with me.

Basically, Hubbs and I have been together for about 2.5yrs and married for just over 1. We had a great, and very regular, sex life to begin with but in the last 8-10 months it has really trailed off down to only 3 times this year. I get that things slow down over time but even so!

We've had some issues to deal with - I had some girlie issues and hios confidence took a knock when he lost his job last year and gained a little bit of weight. I can certainly understand why that might have put him off as he was feeling low and not very good about himself. Fortunately things are now pretty much back on an even keel, except he hasn't lost the weight but then again he won't actually do anything to try and lose it. It makes no difference to me whether he loses it or not, and I do my best to reassure him of that. He's my hubby and I want to be with him irrepsective of what the scales might say!

Anyway, suffice to say things bedroomwise have certainly not returned to an even keel. I've tried dropping hints, suggesting early nights, making it clear I'd like to play but all to no avail. He's tired, or he just wants to watch TV, or he isn't in the mood or he just plain ignores me. I've even tried using LH as a converstation starter as he used to enjoy browsing with me but nothing. It's really starting to affect my confidence now - I wonder if he doesn't want me any more. In seriously low self esteem moments I've wondered if he's getting it elsewhere, especially as he isn't wearing his wedding ring at the moment (he claims it so it doesn't get damaged at work).

Can anyone offer any advice on how to handle this? I just know that if I try to bring it up with him he'll either clam up and get on the defensive or he'll have a massive go at me. Either way he firmly subscribes to the "guys don't talk about things" method of communication. I feel like there's nothing I can do - I'm dammed if I say anything and I'm dammed if I don't - but things cannot go on like this. I'm not asking for wild sessions every night, just some sign that my husband is actually interested in me for more than helping fix his sodding land rover! Help!!!

2

I'd be tempted to put in writing something similar to what you've just posted if verbal communication isn't getting through.

Have you tried telling him explicitly how it makes you feel?

Hope it all works out, keep trying it'll get through in the end.

3

hi , i think writing a letter might be a good start, it might make him wake and smell the roses so to speak. this is probably the best course of action as he's not into talking. perhaps try and leave the letter where's going to read it on his own so he can digest what you've written.

i feel for you. i really went off sex when i was pregnant and my sex drive didn't return for 18mths after i had my daughter. my husband was understanding but we did talk about it.

patience is hard especially after the long dry spell but you really need to try and communicate. resentment will start to fester.

fingers crossed for you

4

Us men do clam up if it Is something we don't want to talk about or face, and clam up even more when questioned about it. He has obviously had a confidence knock and it will pass. As for the weight,regular sex does helps with weight loss, and its usually put on when the sex wains somewhat.

You could try shoving it down his throat, just be blatant about it tell him straight especially about how you feel.tell him you need to be close and need to be made love too.Maybe even go as far as stripping in front of him and playing with your charms. You only need to find that one thing to reignite everything then all this will be forgotten.

5

As long as you don't actually jump him! Nothing worse than that if you're not feeling like it, and clearly he has some sort of an issue. My first wife used to lie in bed and play with herself if I hadn't made an overture for a while, so I pretty soon got the message. This was after I'd been made redundant, so probably the same sort of issues at work. We had a good old chat about it and we went out and bought her some toys for when I couldn't perform. I also went to the doctor's to see if I was depressed, and had some tablets which were a complete waste of time. They killed sex stone dead and at least we had a laugh about that when I stopped taking them.

I don't know how old you both are, but things I wouldn't talk about to anybody when I was 20 I don't find a problem now I'm miuch older. It could be he's embarrassed to talk about what he feels is a failure on his part, so you need to be careful not to do anything that looks like taunting him. Standing in front of him in your glad rags fingering your fanny probably isn't the way to do it. On the other hand, getting to cuddles and contact in a non-performance situation is always good and if he has problems with brief, gentle contact that clearly isn't a prelude to sex then either he does have a deeper-seated problem than you thought or he may actually have gone off you.The wedding ring situation could be a bad sign, possibly not, but if you think there is somerthing else going on, tread softly and you'll soon find out. Very few of us can keep it a secret for long, but if you fly off the handle and accuse him of straying when he is just depressed, nobody benefits.

Tough things to sort out, so good luck, and hope it all turns out well.

6

Thanks for your advice guys. I think the letter might work - then he doesn't feel he's being cornered or put on the spot and I can think carefully about what I want to say and how.

MrPink, you might have something about the age thing. He's 27 so still has a bit of the macho swagger type thing about him and I reckon that would certainly make it more difficult to admit if there is a problem. Both of us have suffered with depression in the past so I'm keeping a close eye out for the signs but then again I think men and women react and handle things differently so I can't be certain.

You've also got a point with the non-sexy contact. He does still like to do hugs and he squidges my bum so I think that's a good sign. I'm going to ask again about the wedding ring - it's titanium specifically so its less likely to get damaged at work but I wonder if its a bit tight since he put weight on but he doesn't want to admit it. He might just not have realised how not wearing it might look. I'm definitely not going to say anything about here being anyone else - it's happened to me before and I'll soon know if that is the case but open illy its just my imagination running wild.

Guess I'd better get writing that letter! Thanks again for the advice, especially the male point of view. Muchly appreciated :)

7

Losing your job is destroying.

I was unemployed for three weeks, but when you've marked on the calender the dates the power gets cut off and the house is repossessed, its, challenging, to come back from

8

LilBikerGothChic wrote:

We've had some issues to deal with - I had some girlie issues and his confidence took a knock when he lost his job last year and gained a little bit of weight.

. It's really starting to affect my confidence now - I wonder if he doesn't want me any more. In seriously low self esteem moments I've wondered if he's getting it elsewhere,

I just know that if I try to bring it up with him he'll either clam up and get on the defensive or he'll have a massive go at me. Either way he firmly subscribes to the "guys don't talk about things" method of communication.

but things cannot go on like this.

just some sign that my husband is actually interested in me

Oh hell, LilBiker. It sounds like it's a real fix you're in.

It's funny for me to read what you wrote because there's some resemblance to my situation with a girlfriend. We stopped sleeping together..... she'd like it to get going again.... and I wouldn't.

One thing's for sure.... you can't pressure him in a naggy sort of way. It will just piss him off...... as you've already discovered.

Something, somewhere underlies his loss of interest in sex. It might be you. It might be him. It might be work. It might be..... whatever.

But the issue is that the situation isn't right for you, and as his wife, you need to know what's going on.

You need to be upfront with him. Tell him you are really unhappy with the present situation. You love him..... and you need to be close to him..... and that includes having that ultimate of 'close experiences', ie having sex together.

Tell him he MUST talk about what's going on. Where he's at, regarding sex. He must be brutally honest.....and not avoid talking about it because it might hurt your feelings. (It's possible he's gone-off you). Most problems can be sorted out. But only if you communicate as a couple..... and that's not happening..... and that is mega-serious for a relationship. They just can't work if communication isn't there.

So that's step one.... to be really supportive and loving... and try to get him to express himself..... without you 'nagging him'...... but with you appealing for his help, because deep down, you're really unhappy..... and you need to understand what's going on.

If that really doesn't work.... you need to be aware that stopping sleeping together can be an early sign that a relationship is on a slippery slope... that can end in breaking-up. So you then have to resort to outside help. You will need to persuade your partner that you both need to see a marriage guidance counsellor before things go too far wrong.

These counsellors are absolute geniuses at getting marriages back on track when they're going wrong. My sister got back together with her husband after they split up, thanks to the help of a counsellor. She concluded that they would never have split up if only they had understood HOW to be open with eachother and communicate.

So there it is. Good luck!

9

I so know how you feel,I dont get it with my partner ive wrote her letters/talked to her got angry been upset in front of her,It changes but only for a month then she just slips into her old routine.

The thing that upsets me the most is when it seems to be getting better sex fun wise then all of a sudden she stops.

10

wildjezz wrote:

I so know how you feel,I dont get it with my partner ive wrote her letters/talked to her got angry been upset in front of her,It changes but only for a month then she just slips into her old routine.

The thing that upsets me the most is when it seems to be getting better sex fun wise then all of a sudden she stops.

Something is upsetting her, WJ. You've really got to (gently) get her to open up and discuss it. Start off by saying that you'd really welcome a chance to sort out your sex life.... and maybe there's something that can easily be corrected, that in the past you haven't been getting quite right.

For example, maybe she needs more love and tenderness, when all you do is 'shag' !!! Maybe you need to have a swill with mouthwash, before you get close !! (No offence, WJ !!) Being relaxed and open..... and communicating.... is everything.

11

I wish there was a simple answer,She has even said she doesn't know why she cant show me she is into me,I could be happy for a short while if she just wanted to cuddle or kiss but there is just nothing there,If i tell her how i feel then our relationship is great for about a month then she just slips away.

Im open with her and i tell her how i am feeling,She knows it hurts me and trys to be more of a gf but it never lasts.

12

wildjezz wrote:

I wish there was a simple answer,She has even said she doesn't know why she cant show me she is into me,I could be happy for a short while if she just wanted to cuddle or kiss but there is just nothing there,If i tell her how i feel then our relationship is great for about a month then she just slips away.

Im open with her and i tell her how i am feeling,She knows it hurts me and trys to be more of a gf but it never lasts.

Ahhh..... there you have it WJ. You can't tell what's going on..... and neither can she. So, guess what..... you need to get some specialist help in. Marriage counselling isn't just for married people. The positive thing is that she would probably welcome some outside help..... often one partner in a relationship will refuse to talk to a counsellor.

Get it sorted man! It'll be much better for both of you. You'll understand her difficulty better, and she'll get a few tools in her toolbox (no pun intended) that she can use to tackle her mental 'blockage'. See what she thinks...

13

Lifebuoy wrote:

wildjezz wrote:

I wish there was a simple answer,She has even said she doesn't know why she cant show me she is into me,I could be happy for a short while if she just wanted to cuddle or kiss but there is just nothing there,If i tell her how i feel then our relationship is great for about a month then she just slips away.

Im open with her and i tell her how i am feeling,She knows it hurts me and trys to be more of a gf but it never lasts.

Ahhh..... there you have it WJ. You can't tell what's going on..... and neither can she. So, guess what..... you need to get some specialist help in. Marriage counselling isn't just for married people. The positive thing is that she would probably welcome some outside help..... often one partner in a relationship will refuse to talk to a counsellor.

Get it sorted man! It'll be much better for both of you. You'll understand her difficulty better, and she'll get a few tools in her toolbox (no pun intended) that she can use to tackle her mental 'blockage'. See what she thinks...

The first port of call should be your GP. He/she will be able to refer you to the right person.

I guess you have to keep in mind that some people really don't have much interest in sex. They might do it as a 'duty', but their heart isn't in it. If she is having sex by herself, then you know the problem is either you, or the business of having sex with a partner. If she isn't masturbating, then her libido/ sexual appetite is low, or non-existent, for whatever reason.

There's the possibility that she's had an early childhood 'bad experience' that put her off sex. Not necessarily sexual abuse.... but being told 'that's not nice...take your hand away!', or being in mum and dad's bed when they got carried away and made love together.

Maybe some additional stimulus to sexual appetite could help. Movies or books with a love theme, where sex happens. Or a sex manual (eg 'the Joy of Sex') could stimulate interest and curiosity. If she doesn't orgasm, then a vibrator (one that she's chosen.... and uses alone) could help (?)

Good luck with it, anyway : )