This is the first time I've posted anything like this in here despite being here for a long time. I'm taking a risk because he is a member but he doesnt come here so I doubt he will see it. Hes only a member to get points and the position of the week email. Hes 44, I'm 38. We've been together 14 years, married for 10. Up until recently we've had a pretty regular spicy sex life. Thanks to lovehoney we have tonnes of toys etc and used to use them all the time. So lately sex just seems to be just quick sex and that's it. Once a week if I'm lucky. The other day he had a day off and I was all dressed up in front of him and he just seemed to not know what to do with me. Like foreplay was a foreign concept. The toys just collect dust in the drawers. I've tried talking to him, he just stated things like money, work etc... but the thing is, I've recently over this year gained weight I previously lost. Over a stone and a half. So this is making me extremely conscious, I'm worried he no longer finds me attractive. No longer wants sex with me. I'm probably being ridiculously silly, but for someone that has a really low confidence added with anxiety and depression it doesnt seem silly to me. I know he watches porn on his phone, why does he want to watch porn and not have sex with his wife ?
I know this feeling all too well with my now ex husband. My confidence plummeted after having our little one and he became more and more distant with me and never wanted sex and made it out to be a big effort. I too dressed up for him but again this just added to my depression at the time due to his reactions. This didn't end well for us amongst other issues in the relationship. I can see you have tried speaking to him about it, have you spoken about how it is making you feel in terms of your anxiety etc? If so, what was his reaction? Sorry I don't have much advise but I am sorry you are going through this, it's not a nice place x
Obviously I cannot speak for your husband specifically but there have been a few periods in my life when I have been stressed and/or clinically depressed and during this time sex has been completely non existent.
In fact, looking back now that I am in a more stable frame of mind, I think that perhaps I deliberatley witheld sex as a cry for help just to get someone to ask me what was wrong but, as is often the case with depression, I would then refuse to talk seriously to my wife about it.
Alternatively the lack of libido could have a physical cause. A few years back I was having problems with erictile disfunction and the fear of failure led me to avoid sex completely. Thankfully I went to see me GP and he found that I had an extremely low testosterone level. Treatment has now cured this problem too and I am back to normal in all respects.
What I am saying here is don't be too quick to blame yourself. It could be that your husband is genuinely having problems but, like most men, is reluctant to discuss them for fear of appearing weak.
These are always difficult posts to try and comment on, as can be so much more to it.
I agree with Rockstar and that there may be somethng more genuine in terms of stress/head stuff going on, unfortunately for us human beings with low self confidence the first thing we do is think it is something we are doing wrong, and any efforts we make seem to then enhance that side as Lovelylumps has mentioned.
How are things between you outside of the bedroom? Do you still talk, laugh, do things together?
How were things sexually between you before you lost the weight before? (you mentioned you put weight back on that you had previously lost).
My personal thoughts are that bedroom stuff is normally a by-product of stuff outside the bedroom. When I've lost my appetite in relationships before, it has always been based on other stuff rather than appearance. Of course I can only talk of my own experience or posts I have read.
Have you thought of perhaps taking a different approach and not initiating sex? It may remove some pressure for you both.
If it is money, are you aware of any problems? Is there anything can do to help take the load off him a little?
Perhaps ask a little more as to the money, work or whatever stresses he has going on? Are there things two of you could do outside the bedroom that make rekindle a little spark, going for meals, date night, dancing, again without initiating anything.
Not sure if this reply actually helps in anyway, feels like I have babbled a bit. Really hope you both manage to sort it out, please don't think it is all down to you and your fault - it takes 2 to tango, and likely to need a little more communication between you both as to whats going on.
Sorry to hear this. You are not being disloyal by asking for advice - this is a supportive forum.
It's unlikely to be your appearence, but by all means treat yourself nicely to give your confidence a boost for your own sake. I once read that when a man is between a woman's legs, the last thing he is thinking about is how fat her thighs are!
I know that when my OH is stressed his libido drops. At the moment he is facing work uncertainities, which brings financial worries too - we had a wild night on my birthday two months ago but it's only been a couple of times since then, even when I've curled up next to him in a bodystocking. It's a common pattern and does seem to affect men, so I would try to talk and support each other through this period. You could try backing off for a while, and he needs to remember to pay you compliments quite aside from sex. Keep communicationg. For us, once the stress passes things get back to normal - I hope this is the case for you too.
Rockstar is right about hormones playing a huge part. When I was menopausal I had zero sex drive - no desire at all. On HRT I'm pretty insatiable! Luckily OH and I are relaxed about solo sessions as a way of managing differing drives. It could be that a trip to the GP for a check-up might help your husband, and it sounds like you to need to dust off your toy collecton for some private time.
Good luck!
pinkanimal wrote:
I know he watches porn on his phone, why does he want to watch porn and not have sex with his wife ?
Sorry - meant to pick this up in my previous post.
Possibly this is simply relaxation. Watching porn and/or masturbating are relatively effortless and one-sided, whereas sex involves actually engaging with and attending to another person.
It is quite understandable that you feel this way about it. He probably doesn't mean to be selfish or behave in a hurtful way, but the fact he is opting for porn over an emotional connection and effort does back up his claim of being stressed and feeling withdrawn.
Let him know how it affects you and see what he says - but don't assume it is a reflection on you.
I started to type a response earlier and felt like I was being selfish. So I didnt write it. Then I read some more of the replies. I worried someone was gonna accuse me of being selfish. Let me explain something about myself. I own tonnes of toys, however I cannot seem to relax enough and enjoy myself on my own. Having an orgasm by myself is so much harder than with my husband. It takes so much longer and I dunno I guess I feel a bit strange doing it?
But yes thankyou all. I wouldnt say the replies have made me feel better about it all, but I guess I'm going to have to try and forget about sex at the moment.
You are not being selfish wanting to have your satisfying sex life back.
I think we are all just trying to suggest things to get you both through a period which is difficult for you. No one is suggesting permanent solutions - of course you want to have back what you know works and made you both happy.
I think the main themes in these responses are to try to talk to each other - commmunication is key - and to try things on a temporary basis in the hope that things return to normal for you both.
I'm sure we all wish you every happiness.
You're not selfish at all, as above I think communication is also key. A proper sit down and talk about it all maybe a step closer to solving any issues
I hope everything works out ok for you hunny xx
MsR's points about porn are spot on. Masturbating with porn is low commitment, effortless sex without having to engage or commit to being intimate with another person.
Perhaps work stress leaves your husband depleted of energy and enthusiasm for negotiating the emotional side of sex and foreplay. I can sympathise. I don't know your situation but I'm sure open and honest chat and being accepting of one another's wishes and desires can only be a good thing.
Hope things improve for you soon. x
It's common to commit to dressing up or preparing yourself and your home in some way, and feeling let down at the last minute. As others have said better than I could, life gets in the way sometimes. I'd strongly suggest not taking it personally as others have suggested. It happens. Anxiety and depression make us turn lots of external issues inwards, so it's really good to keep things in perspective, and check your worries before they grow. There's tons of lovely people on this forum and elsewhere who you can check in with, and are happy to help if we can.
From my own experience, I've on many an occasion sent loving or suggestive texts, prepared the bedroom and toys, made dinner, or any number of other ways to build the romance, only for something outside my control to derail my wicked plans. That's really disheartening sometimes, but on the plus side, I've shown I care. My wife really appreciates the effort and tells me or shows me so every now and then.
Relationships take serious investment of care and energy sometimes, but overall the results are rewarding and worthwhile. I don't know anyone who's had everything run completely smoothly without tension or stress every now and then.
I wish you and your husband every success in overcoming this glitch, whatever it is, and finding your way back to happiness and pleasure together..
I'm a bit like your husband at the moment , I had a breakdown last year , have been on anti d's ( along with heart tablets ) and my sex drive is quite low . I worry about my wife ,as she may think it's her fault , and it isn't . I do love her dearly , and we have lots of cuddles . I suggest you ask your husband to see a Dr ( it won't be easy) . There may be a physical problem . It's not a nice situation to be in , but if you love each other , you can work through it . I hope this sorts itself out
Oh bless you. See this is why I like the forum. I can get advice from men as well as women. Hes not easy to get to talk if I'm honest. And hes even harder to get to the doctors. He wont go. Hes as stubborn as me because I refuse to go on medication. I manage myself without meds because I hate myself on them.Weeradge wrote:
I'm a bit like your husband at the moment , I had a breakdown last year , have been on anti d's ( along with heart tablets ) and my sex drive is quite low . I worry about my wife ,as she may think it's her fault , and it isn't . I do love her dearly , and we have lots of cuddles . I suggest you ask your husband to see a Dr ( it won't be easy) . There may be a physical problem . It's not a nice situation to be in , but if you love each other , you can work through it . I hope this sorts itself out