To Lola:
Your post really got me thinking and a special memory came back to me that I hadn't had for years (thanks by the way). I'm going to share it and again we're all individuals so take it or leave it as you wish.
This memory made me think. I'm not sure how adventuresome you or your SO are but I will tell you about a game I invented with my last girlfriend (well at least I'd like to give myself credit for it - although I'm sure some variation on it has been tried by others).
My girlfriend already had a dildo when I first met her. She enjoyed it she told me and usually used it with solo play to "warm herself up" then she would start using her fingers on her clit while continuing to thrust her dildo in her pussy. She liked both clitoral and penetrative action and she usually needed both at the same time to cum. Sometimes she was self conscious about needing both to come when we were having intercourse. I asked her why? She was afraid I'd feel inadequate somehow if my dick couldn't do it - I told her that whatever she needed to max out on the pleasure front was okay by me.
Anyway that last part from me was somewhat of a digression so back on topic:
So I had this idea. We would sometimes do foreplay in the form of kissing, and cuddling, sometimes (although not often) watch a bit of porn, or whatever.
So my idea was this: when she was feeling ready I would sit her on this really comfy recline, spread her legs and begin to give her oral - nothing passionate yet - just gentle tongue flicks, etc.
As she got more arroused I would finger her. Finally, and ever.so gently I would start to penetrate her with her dildo. To make sure she was continuing to become.more arroused while I trusted the dildo I would again gently tongue her clit. I would do deep long strokes with her dildo while at the same time alternating between tonguing her and doing nothing at all except to continue thrusting the dildo.
Generally she.would kind of get to a.point (and I certainly did my best to get her there!) where she was arroused but simply in that moment of pleasure. (in other words being exactly where I thought you could benefit - from being - in that single timeless moment of pleasure with no idea of any destination or goal).
But then here was (I believe) my stroke of brilliance:
I imvented a rule: She couldn't touch her clit UNLESS and UNTIL I gave her.permission and then only for the length of time I allowed. During that time she could do her clit however she wanted ( she preferred fingers for her clit but it sounds like for you that might be a bullet). But all during this time I would continue to pump her pussy with her dildo.
I would watch her face and see her hands wanting to move towerd her clit but I would't let her. So I'd keep pumping the dildo and maybe say okay you can do your clit for 30 seconds: and I'd say 30 seconds starts now...and then give a count aloud at 15 and then at 5 to count down to 0 aloud, at which time i'd .make her stop, or I might not tell her when she had to stop but wait till she was really close and then suddenly say "OK, you have to stop."
Anyway, to get to the bottom line of what is becoming a tediously long story somewhere along the line I discovered that if I would accelerate the pumping and do a little side to side and up and down I could keep her going up after I had forbad her from further touching her clit. It almost became like a violin as I orchestrated a symphony. Back and forth, clit no clit, up and down in arousal level, while stroking her dildo she would gradually become ever more hungry to rub her clit to the point where it would turn into a sweet angony. Now for a long time I would usually end that sweet agony by saying "OK baby - i give you permission to finish off your pussy and then she'd come in like 30 seconds.
But one afternoon I was feeling particularly mischievous and I wouldn't give her.permission to come with her clit. And so I guess I started pumping a little deeper and then holding it or something (which I'd never really done before with her dildo). Anyway there was this pattern and then suddenly for the first time ever with her toy (and VERY rarely with me) she had this absolutely pure raging vaginal orgasm - no clt stimulation at all.
When she realized that it COULD be done with her toy she suddenly WAS able, even by herself, to do it.
Like I mentioned to you I'm not sure if this'd is what you meant as far as " not coming during sex
because to me an orgasm is great however it presents itself.
Incidentally, one of the skills i think I developed during my 20 or so years of exploring Tantric sex was this appreciation for the pursuit of the eternal now as a sensuous moment both in a primal and spiritual place - and to me the ironyy is that the further your mind gets from you genetalia the better they feel.
I hope this didn't seem pervy to you. It's funny because the last time I had even remembered this was probably 5 years ago and thinking about your post brought it back.